14 days of sheer hell continues

[LiM]

You are on the right path DDJ. I see your strength and resolve. I applaud you for that. It won't be easy but you can do it. Definitely read the book and don't let her see it. If you need to drive somewhere and read the book 30 minutes at a time, then that's what you do.
My W also had/has a problem with alcohol. I wouldn't call her an alcoholic but that's where she runs when she gets overwhelmed. But that's not a healthy way to deal with issues. There is a difference between wanting a beer after work to unwind and needing 4 or 5 or 6 because you are having a hard time dealing with something. The latter is trying to escape and we have to deal with our issues, not run from them. I think you need to set a boundary on the drinking and make it a firm one. What will be the consequence if she breaks the boundary? There always have to be consequences.

[DDJ]

Yeah LiM, I'll keep it in my workbag and will read it on the train to work, and at work.

Before she left to the other city, i told her that there are consequences for ones actions. I have made sure that I have been firm, but kind, demanding respect. She's not gotten drunk in my company recently, but the one time i did threaten to throw out the liquor if she continued as she was getting past her standing up stage. Even i felt bad for wanting to throw it away, but i need to keep my word. She then promptly went to sleep.

She just called me now, i've not contacted her today, besides replying to her emails, very short though. She sounded so lost... I am all that she had, I was her everything, and hopefully she will see that she will not lose me, if she chooses to. But only she can make that choice.

I need to live my own life, for me. Starting with supper for 1 tonight.

[LiM]

Strong work DDJ.
She is lost. Her life is in chaos. Let her be. In fact, pray for MORE chaos to enter her life. Pray that it crushes and consumes her. Not because you want her to suffer but because she needs to be convicted of the consequences of her actions. Feeling that, experiencing that is can help bring her out of the fog.
I see that you recently filed for D. Has she been served yet?

[DDJ]

I've submitted an online application for an idivorce service. But i plan to go through the process very slowly. She is asking for the divorce but i need to make it real for her.

I need to let her go and let her see the impact this will have. I definitely don't want to be plan B, which i am now. I need to be plan A and i have confidence that i can get there. But i need to take things slower.

We're selling our one car, to get two soon, and I want to do it regardless. M should be a choice for 2 people to be together, not a life sentence.

[MoveFrwd]

So my WW is still very clearly in the fog, but that's her problem now isn't it. The divorce is looming and the OP is still very hands-off. Things are looking good. Not at all.

All this wandering is clearly in her head, nothing else, she feels that this is acceptable behaviour. It's insane.

Anyhows, i'm detaching more, we're making our own meals, i'm not initiating convo, no physical contact given from my side, and she's leaning in so much, it's sad to see her so desperate, but let me revel in it for the next few months.

Did you read the thread on detachment? These are NOT examples of detaching.

Also, I have no idea what you are reveling about, but Im sure that it isnt helping you.

I can see how every time i go "soft" (as a test) it pushes her away from me. Each time i pull away, she comes towards me. How is the human psyche built like this? Is there a proper psychological understanding of this "condition" documented anywhere?

Why are you "going soft". All that does is undermine all of the other things you are doing. How can she trust your actions if you relax on them? Consistency is the key.

Also, did you read the pursuit and distance thread?

[TxHubby]

I've submitted an online application for an idivorce service. But i plan to go through the process very slowly. She is asking for the divorce but i need to make it real for her.

I need to let her go and let her see the impact this will have. I definitely don't want to be plan B, which i am now. I need to be plan A and i have confidence that i can get there. But i need to take things slower.

We're selling our one car, to get two soon, and I want to do it regardless. M should be a choice for 2 people to be together, not a life sentence.

You're doing great. While this is going on make sure you're continuing GAL and truly detaching. That allows you to think clearly.

[DDJ]

@darkness, I think that it is detaching. I realise that I don't need her affection, and I don't need to be affectionate to her either. It's still my choice.

I refuse to conform, even to the general Db rules. Have always been a rebel. I test all theories to see their impact and see what works best. Don't get me wrong,I know that DBing works, but that does not mean that it can't be fun.

I feel so liberated from my WW, I'm focusing on myself. I don't think I've ever done that in my life. No worries about food for the W, if the W wants to get drunk. That's her problems. However, I still know that it's her choice if she wants to stay, but it's my choice what I do with my life.

[Painter]

@Painter, she has always been drinking as a way to deal with her problems, and I have always allowed it. I cannot allow it anymore, and she's been more sober over the last month than any that i can remember. So no, I have not spoken to a lawyer, as she can control her liquor intake, but shes never been given a proper boundary. I did threaten to leave her 1 year into our R if she did not get some control, this lasted a month and then i just let it happen. I cannot let it happen anymore, not in my house.

Please talk to a lawyer and a counselor. You are deluding yourself if you think you can control her drinking. This has nothing to do with you 'allowing' or not, alcoholism is an illness and your W needs help.

And even if you could, how would you control it if you are living apart, divorced?

[dream]

I refuse to conform, even to the general Db rules. Have always been a rebel. I test all theories to see their impact and see what works best. Don't get me wrong,I know that DBing works, but that does not mean that it can't be fun.

If you know that DBing works, why would you not follow the rules? Why would you file for a divorce so quickly?

And fun? Really?? If this is fun and games for you, why bother asking for advice that you don't plan to follow?

[MoveFrwd]

I think that it is detaching. I realise that I don't need her affection, and I don't need to be affectionate to her either. It's still my choice.

Thats fine. But thats not really what detachment is about. I think it's more than just not needing affection. It's about being in control of your emotions. Judging from your actions (....reactions?...) the last few days, I would say that you are anything BUT in control of your emotions.

I refuse to conform, even to the general Db rules. Have always been a rebel. I test all theories to see their impact and see what works best. Don't get me wrong,I know that DBing works, but that does not mean that it can't be fun.

I dont have a clue what you are talking about. Fun? This isnt about having fun. You can "be a rebel" all you want. It's your life. But I know that if you treat this like a game, you arent going to win. And you are going to wind up seeing your son two days a week. If thats cool with you, then fine, Im not sure theres more for us to discuss.

I feel so liberated from my WW, I'm focusing on myself. I don't think I've ever done that in my life. No worries about food for the W, if the W wants to get drunk. That's her problems. However, I still know that it's her choice if she wants to stay, but it's my choice what I do with my life.

Yes, this is all true.

But be careful about that bolded word.

I think youve proven that your feelings change. And quickly.

Let's see how "liberated" you feel tomorrow. Or next week. Or next month. Or next year.