Thanks for all the responses. Whenever she keeps back from a binge of alcohol and who knows what with the other guy. She comes home with deep remorse and begs me not to leave. She has been loving this weekend but it is a cycle. She starts pulling away, she runs (she's always been a runner), comes home the next morning sick as a dog, tells me what a horrible person she is and what a bad wife and mother she is. Then I hear that she is sick of living like this. Then the cycle repeats.
She is starting therapy again this week. I am going to take the 180 approach. It is going to be tough not to ask where she is or what she is doing. Also, I've stopped asking who she is texting, etc.. Whenever I try to go anywhere for myself she freaks out and begs me not to go. When she is at home she is glued to my hip. Its the most bizarre behavior. Any experience with this?
Thanks for the comments from all. She does have a choice. It is like a cycle she goes through. She will fly away and leave the children and I at home. She will come home the next morning sicker than a dog. She will act so remorseful and says she will never do it again. Then by mid-week she pulls away and repeats the process. I know she hates herself for what she is doing to the children and me. I also believe she does not want me to leave her and is most fearful. Its unhealthy when she is home because I can't go upstairs without her asking me where I am going. If i try to leave for a while she doesn't want me to go. If I'm gone for 10 minutes longer than she thinks I am suppose to be gone she is blowing me up. Or, the whole time I'm gone she is texting me asking how things are going.
You are right. It's like she is two different people. When she is not in that mode she is loving and wants to be with the kid and me. But, when she gets in that mode she cares nothing for us or how we feel. That's where the OM comes into play.
It's so frustrating because I know its not what she wants in life. When she runs off like that I don't sleep and have nightmares of what they are doing.
I've got to remove myself from the triangle. Right now I am unemployed so moving out is not the answer right now. But, I've read a lot of posts and I can do the loving detachment plan.
As painful as it is, I have to admit I'm a fixer aka- codependent. There is an all men's al-anon meeting this Thursday night I am going to attend.
Scott...Vanilla is right. Addiction is an illness, not a choice. Your wife is remorseful for her behavior because this probably isn't the person she wants to be, but she isn't currently equipped to change it either. Thats why the cycle keeps repeating itself. As long as you continue to be tethered to her while she is engaging in these unhealthy behaviors, you will just be along for the ride. I think you are on the right track though. If she is as afraid of losing you as it sounds, perhaps your detachment and the fear of the marriage ending might be enough to spur her toward seeking healthy changes. At the very least, you need this for yourself and your boys. You are no good to anyone else if you aren't healthy yourself.
Honestly, you can't work on a relationship with a drug addict that has other psychological issues as well. You have bigger fish to fry. Get her away from these toxic people and get her professional help. She needs in-patient treatment for addiction and her psychological issues. There's no point in you making decisions about the marriage in her current state. Address those things first, then address the marriage.
Thanks all. She is going back to therapy for her trauma tomorrow. She did it on her own. Im just supportive of her doing it. She's been to rehab twice years ago and it never worked for her. She just got tired of it and quit.
Perhaps the distance i need to put in place with boundaries will also add to her stopping the addictions. The OM is an addiction too, Its fewer-and-farther between when she sees him. I'm doing my best not to say a word about him to her. But its tough when her phone is blowing up and its him. I've stopped checking her phone, Facebook, email, etc.... I'm letting go.
This weekend she was home all weekend. She had to go to a meeting yesterday and she came home and said, "I came home. Aren't you glad I came home?" This happened several times.
So bizarre. She also wants to know where I am non-stop. I think it is due to fear of me leaving.
Addictions can be so scary. You didn't break her and you can't fix her. She is the only one that can change the bad cycle of addiction. The good news is that she is remorseful and back in therapy.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
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