Moving Ahead in UK - pt17 - been here so long!

[Huddy]

Hi Sotto

Yeah, I saw that on the bike I was using. I was under that. Managed to get 10 miles in on the bike and a number of 'reps' on weights, so that was good. I think I have a circuit figured out in my mind. The guy told me not to do too much, too soon. I'm planning on no more that 5 hours a week, which he said was fine.

[Huddy]

One year in!

Yep, although we're one day away in date terms, it was exactly a year ago that I was BD'd. Probably a good time for a bit of analysis.

If my W misses me, she doesn't show it. In fact, at times, she looks positively fantastic with her lot. Of course, I doubt she really thinks that, but, from the outside, that is the impression I get. Part of this (looking at V's post on rd's thread) could be that she hasn't felt loss yet. Yeah, we're now physically separated (another anniversary, four months today) but we see each other at least twice a week as we have children. I can't cut her off with NC (I could if we didn't have kids) but I don't initiate any convo, and I only text her to let her know when I'll be in for her to bring them around.

Is she curious? Probably. Most of the time she might start a conversation asking 'if you're not out' or 'if you're around', so, she is temp checking that I haven't got another woman. Of course, I reply honestly, but maybe I should start making her think I have got somebody else, or, actively looking?

The kids tell me how much they love me and are very affectionate. They tell me how much they miss me etc. I sometimes wish they could tell that to W, but that wold be unfair.

Here in the UK, it's tax return time. If you're self-employed, you have to fill out a form so the Government can bill you for the right amount of tax. I normally do this for W (indeed, I did it after BD last year for her, in my 'try to be nice' frame of mind and she used it to try and get a separation order against me!) and she has asked about the why's, when's and wherefore's. I have managed to tell her nothing about the process, deciding that she has to make her own mistakes, which is easy to do. I won't be doing it for her.

I think W has problems dealing with the kids. I know this as she used to be desperate for me to come home when the kids were off school and she was alone with them. Nothing has changed there.

Then there is the matter of the cosmetic surgery. I know W has plans to see a cosmetic surgeon in a couple of weeks to get 'measured up' for a boob enhancement and tummy tuck. She doesn't need it, but in MLC land she feels this is what she needs. The consultation alone costs £150 and the surgery is £11k! My youngest daughter tells me that 'Mummy thinks she is fat and she wants a home gym'. It's sad, but I can't tell her she doesn't need all this as that is persuing. In addition, my W only works one day a week and is effectively living off the state.

In conclusion, I don't see how this can be brought to an end swiftly. My W clearly has underlying problems about her body shape (she is thin, good looking and has ample boobs etc.) and getting rid of me hasn't addressed this. I'm not sure I can do anymore than hold my current course and do things for myself.

I miss my W and still love her. I'm disappointed that her family hasn't had a more positive impact on her, even when I asked them to help her see a doctor for her symptoms - that I cannot forgive.

[Sotto]

Hi Huddy, sounds like you are doing well my friend. I find it a little bizarre that someone would consider spending that kind of money on surgery ahead of decent housing. It's a shame to feel that way about your body though.

I think you answered your own question about holding your course. However, I wouldn't play any games with the 'dating perception' thing - other than volunteering limited info about what you're doing and leaving your W to draw her own assumptions. If and when you feel the time is right to date, go for it. However, if you still love your W and hope to save your M, that time isn't here yet (IMHO.)

Hope the gym is going well and have a good Sunday! Xx

[srt]

Hi Huddy, I'm in a similar type of situation and it gives me strength to hear how others are coping. My W has been gone since September (BD Aug) and things have been real tough for me.
Mentally found it hardest as to why she did not or could not say what our difficulties were - I gave her ample opportunities.

I'm trying to do the detaching, GAL and tough love thing, although I am listening, validating and "showing" her how I've changed a lot in this time (I'm sure I was borderline depressed before).

Like you I'm thinking of the long road, still have feeling for W, and know it is best for the family to fix this rather than take the easy option and walk away. Hopeful but trying to have no expectations of any chance soon.

Stick at it, I know your pain, just enjoy the good times with your kids and do all the stuff you would never have done before!

[Huddy]

Hi Sotto

Doing well? There are moments I stick on 'White Flag' by Dido and I know it's not a good day! W was due to pick the kids up at 4 and she's pushed it to 5. It's OK, but I'm off to the gym and it's delayed me. It's nice to have the kids for a bit longer, but I know it's a symptom of her not being able to cope on her own as she has been doing this for a couple of weeks now.

There is, of course, the stubbornness to contend with in this sitch. W has terrible trouble admitting she is wrong and is stubborn accordingly. It would take her an enormous amount of time to summon up the wherewithal to admit that she has done anything wrong. Even her own mother says she is too stubborn for her own good!

Hi srt

Welcome to the party! No, my W has never said what the actual problem was, but she tried a barb with 'I don't find you physically attractive any more'. I think that was a barb because I wouldn't move out. Is she seeing anybody? I don't think so, but who knows.

Don't be too worried about the depression and anxiety. I'd be surprised if you didn't get under the weather about it all.

It's the patience thing that gets to us all. It's agonising. In other walks of life, if you have a problem, you generally talk about it, agree a solution and implement. The fact you just can't seem to do anything about it drives you nuts. That's why I've joined the gym. It'll keep my mind off things, get me out of the house and be a good GAL activity.

[Huddy]

It's funny. When you don't conform to what your W wants you to do, they go all huffy and act like you've just stolen their last pound!

Kids have been over for tea and I ask if the kids are coming Thursday (normal when it's not my weekend to have them) when W tells me she's bringing them on Friday as 'you're having them for the weekend'. There is, however, a fly in this tightly packed ointment, as I am going to a retirement 'do' on Friday night. I told W I couldn't have them on Friday and W went from being a fairly pleasant person in to being a huffy, uncontrollably narky person in an instant.

Apart from being questioned as to where I was going (I just said I wasn't going to be in) she stomped out of the flat. In the past few weeks, she's been saying 'hiya' and 'see you' when she comes and goes, but today, when she left, she couldn't even look me in the eye. I told her to bring the kids on Saturday morning instead. I know she's working Saturday, but she hadn't asked and just expected.

So, what was this an example of? Manipulation; loss of control? Don't know, but she seemed mighty miffed that I wasn't doing her bidding for her.

[Huddy]

GAL activity last night and I got home about 0300! Up for the kids at 0745 (I expected W to bring the kids over because she was working) and she didn't come until after 10. I could have called, I could have texted, but that's non dependency in action when I act as if I don't care what she's doing.

W arrives at the door and I can see she has tears in her eyes. The kids are joyous as always, but W didn't look happy at all. W asks if I can have three weeks off with the kids at the start of the 'big' school holidays in July. I said no, I can't take a huge block of time off, and she genuinely looked like she was going to burst in to tears. In my heart, I was kinda hoping that we might be 'back together' by the summer, but hey ho.

I say I can have two weeks off and she said OK and then turned away, said that she'd me tomorrow and then headed down the stairs. She did look upset and, frankly, awful. Not in the sense of her looks, but in her demeanour.

It was hard not to say something comforting or reach out and I still wonder if I should be doing something, anything, different. I don't know what could be the one thing that lifts the fog and she sees clearly again, and if I should be doing something to enable her. I am being the lighthouse; warm, affectionate, but letting her make her own mistakes, and I have to keep reminding myself that she sacked me as H, and that she has to make the first move, only for me to have moments of self doubt and think I should say something.

Then of course, it could all be manipulation. The kids have been off for two weeks and they have probably drove her up the wall (she was never very good at coping with them on her own). She has a planned appointment for cosmetic surgery next week (although she has looked at other providers on my son's laptop, which he brought over) and she might want the kids away from her so she can have the surgery done. How she would hide a breast enlargement, without me noticing, I have no idea!

Basically, I'm locked in to that terrible position of limbo land. W could have started D proceedings this week, but hasn't. I could have done the same, but it's not what I want. My colleagues and friends keep telling me to move on and forget her - I can't. I'm living with hope; that's eternal. Living with no hope is the road to depression.

Rambling as usual, but my audience of a 6 & 7 year old, probably wouldn't appreciate it!

[mutatio]

For what its worth Huddy, I think your on the right path. The only way you can leave limbo land with your wife is to wait for her and let her come to you. Be strong

[Huddy]

Hi Mutatio

Thanks. I don't recommend limbo land as a holiday destination - not a lot of nightlife and it saps your energy!

[roist]

Hold strong and hold back. It is tough to resist helping but she needs to know you are not there for her.

Best wishes.