WW, My Addiction, Patience, and Hope - III

[Georgia Bulldogs]

You better stick to your guns about 50/50 custody at a minimum or your wife will be filing a motion for relocation out of state in no time and you'll find yourself fighting an uphill battle against the Wisconsin rebuttable presumption that the primary custodial parent (even if she's just the joint parent but the kids spend more nights with her) can relocate whenever they want as long as it's not completely unreasonable.

In other words....to beat her...you'd basically have to prove you are actually the better parent and it would be in the best interest of the kids to live primarily with you while mom moves out of state.

Not every state is like that. Many, like New York, rarely allow relocation petitions. The kids have to stay in the state (and within a certain mile radius) and if a parent needs to leave...then they just have to leave the kids with the residing parent and work out visitation by other means --- like summers and holidays.

Of course - become your own expert and research this. I know OM lives out of state so keep up the good fight and research ways to improve your position even if you have joint custody (because she can still file a motion to relocate she will just have a harder time winning). Research what factors the court looks at a be sure to fill those. Things like access to current schools, extended family and even church play a roll in "rooting" children within a community giving you a valid "stability" argument should the argument ever arise. Maintain good form and practices (with regards to being a great parent and holding up your end of joint custody) and she'll be advised by her attorney to not even bother trying.

[trumpet]

Thanks GB. I always appreciate your responses. A Kindred Spirit for me. Sandi, you, Mowgli, Zues, and a couple others have been invaluable.

I'm seeing success at my new manager's job, and I've been open about what's happening with the 2 salespeople with me, as they have both gone through divorce. Haven't told them everything, but they need to know that I'm not upset at them when my WW throws a curve ball at me. The success is wonderful in my life right now. God's hand has guided me so well. What if I had left my life to Him, rather than pulling on the wheel up to now? I guess we'll always want to pull on the wheel.

Looks like the basics of the D are now set. Up for discussion are little things like paintings, pots and pans, and when I can get my name off the house, when she can refi, and when the whole shooting match will be officially over.

I expect things to get worse before they get better, as my WW starts to realize her fantasy can't come true, and the plan B is drifting off to sea. Excited to see where God takes me in my life. I know that joint custody will be tougher now than what I envisioned, but that I can be a great dad, and a rock for me kids. Gotta keep on working on my boundaries with my WW.

[Mowgli]

The big thing is to make sure you're documenting your time with the kiddos. You need to show that you are with them at least 50% of the time. document! document! document!

That's the only way you win this.

I still have the time I spend with my sons saved. I looked at it a while back and wondered how W ever thought I wasn't around enough... Just another example of rewritten history...

Protect yourself and your assets regardless of what you think WWs plans are. You have to look out for you and your kid's interests now.

We're her for you, buddy!

[Painter]

The big thing is to make sure you're documenting your time with the kiddos. You need to show that you are with them at least 50% of the time. document! document! document!

That's the only way you win this.

I still have the time I spend with my sons saved. I looked at it a while back and wondered how W ever thought I wasn't around enough... Just another example of rewritten history...

Protect yourself and your assets regardless of what you think WWs plans are. You have to look out for you and your kid's interests now.

We're her for you, buddy!

There are some online tools for this. Some of them are time share calendars that both parents can access to keep track of school, activities, and need-to-know info. I think if you search Parenting calendar you should find some.

[trumpet]

Thank you Painter and Mowgli. Spent time today with the kids. More time tomorrow at church.

Got out to a social event. Took my ring off. Feels really weird. It will go back on when I get home.

[Vanilla]

I agree 100% with GB, Mow and Painter.

You actually are the better parent, more stable and not in an A. If it comes down to days and especially overnights then document. Keep and print texts and calendars.

V

[trumpet]

Day off from work, and guess what? Work emergency, so I go in. Lots of crud to deal with there, but still is a bright spot in my life.

WW is way wayward, and D is moving forward. I've expressed that I want to move on, and want the D to progress quickly since we have so much of the details worked out. She's being very generous on her end, actually. I want equitable split, including time with the kids, and it looks like that's happening. I get to keep my 401k, she keeps hers, which is much smaller, so I do think the guilt of the EA/PA is contributing to that.

I have talked a bit with her - she has now told me I'm distant, and only answer in 'OK' or 'sounds good', very pithy comments, which is totally true. She wants a 'friendly' divorce, which I'm not giving her. I still told her I have hope for us in the future, but that I want to move on, and hope that she's making the right choice. For her, she has no plans, except to live in our house along, with the kids 50% of the time, and continue to have an EA with a man 3 hours away, who will most likely drop her from his life when his divorce is done, and he finds a woman in his city that can provide for his physical needs. I'm beginning to feel really sad for her, as she's angry at me, at our church and pastor for calling her out on the affair being wrong... her comments of 'everyone is so judgemental' make me laugh. If I didn't care about her, I wouldn't have said anything.

She also thinks I'm just wanting to move quickly in the D to get something from her, or I have ulterior motives, which I find funny. Just want to get out from under the same roof as her, as she has OM on the brain, and can't see reality for what it is.

If I was a stronger husband and man, I would have blown up the affair, and kicked her out, or moved out. I needed time to mature, to face my addiction demon, and I am. There are days I'm tested, but today I'm 158 days porn free. No masturbation, either. Let me tell you, that right there is a miracle in itself. No 'release' in probably 160 days. My body is ok with it, but c'mon, sex is fun for most people, so the urges won't go away. Probably too much info for most of you, but I have nothing to lose. If this helps someone out there, I'm all for it. I want to be an open book, and help my kids understand that they need to have BELIEFS that can override their urges and feelings, and that having willpower is a wonderful thing. A blessed thing. I believe I'm becoming a better Trumpet, and will continue to do so. I'll find someone down the road, God will put them in my life, and we'll take it from there.

Some days I'm really lonely - this isn't a walk through the tulips, folks. Today I got really upset, and my oldest D saw it and asked about it - but instead of saying 'nothing is wrong', I told her I WAS angry, and explained why I was, and that right there is the difference in me. I can explain WHAT I'm feeling, and why I'm feeling it. And after that little talk, and a big hug from her, it got a lot better. The top was off the fizzing 2 liter, so it didn't explode. Every day is a work in progress. Every morning I pray, and tell God I'm grateful for the work he is working in me, through me. Big things are on the horizon for Trumpet.

[Mowgli]

So, so proud of you man!

You've gone through so much and are taking it in stride and your willpower is truly inspiring!

[sandi2]

You are amazing! So many would have used the fact of going through such a tough ordeal as their excuse to "escape" through their addiction.

You are definitely a stronger man! You are going to be an awesome H to some lucky lady one day.

I know you have a lot on your plate, but I hope you will stick around. There are a lot of people who could use the wisdom you've gained.

[trumpet]

Sandi and Mowgli,

Thanks guys. I'm not feeling like I'm at 100% effort, as some days I feel the darkness, but overall I'm making it. The kids see a consistent dad. They keep asking when I'm going to buy the condo down the street, as it's the best to be very close by for them. I would love to live on the other side of town where I work, where the houses are 2/3 the price where we live now, but I have to make sacrifices for them.

Speaking of sacrifices - the wife met with her lawyer today, and *poof*, there goes half my 401k. The lawyer says it's the *only* way to split up our marital assets, since I have more in mine. I'll get marital support from the W, though, as she's making much better money than me now. Note - unresolved issues from her upbringing, a disease that shook her and left her overweight and without a thyroid, kids growing up, and a newfound independence due to having a great job - all made an impact into the WW's MLC.

After getting really upset and angry, I calmed down at work, and about an hour later I kept telling myself 'It's only money - I'll make more'. I haven't gotten upset again tonight, so I think I'm over it. I might be able to get the money back, if I forego the marital support... something to pose to my attorney to see if it's possible. With D7 quite a ways away from college, the total amount of support would equal about what she's pulling out of my 401k...

I've realized that my stress levels are rising again, due to my inactivity. My leg has healed, but I'm off the program. When you get angry about it, I think I've made headway into starting up again. I'm excited to see where I could land up with my weight. Wouldn't it be a hoot to see if I could get back to my pre-college or college weight? I'd need about 40 lbs more off the frame... don't know if that's possible, since I'd like more muscle than before.

Sandi, I plan on staying on the board for a while. It's really comforting to know I'm not the only one out there, that what I'm going through is common, or at least common enough to have shared experience, like my addictions group. I'll probably get a little more pointed, like TxHubby or Georgia Bulldog, since I think they do a nice job of laying thoughts out in a pithy fashion, just like you. You might not all agree all the time, as well as Zeus and others, but the brain power here always amazes me.

Us nice guys get taken advantage of - part of GAL'ing for us is to add a few layers of the hard candy shell on top of the gooey nougat center of our hearts. Once you can establish boundaries, stick to them, let hurtful comments fly by you without reacting, focus on maintaining healthy eating habits, exercise, and intimate relationships with both same and opposite sexes, I think you're set for a huge cornucopia of blessings to be poured out from above.