Into month 8 of this nightmare

[Sotto]

One e-book that helped me at a similar stage to you was - detach and survive - a book of self care for the wives of MLC men. Again, the focus of this e-book is you and what you can do for yourself at this difficult time.

Hope this helps a little xx

[Mia2003]

I know I'm wallowing . I should be getting my haircut soon.

I just have this constant physical pain in my stomach that won't go. I just can't seem to shift my thinking .

[mleigh4]

Hi Mia. Sotto is giving you some really good advice. She has been through this, she has had to work her way out of some tough times, please listen to her. I will give you a gentle 2x4.....you need to stop spinning and listen.

First is to accept you can't control your H. Your "wallowing" is not helping a thing, you are only hurting yourself and your children.

I was low, very very low, in the beginning. I was completely obsessed with my H, what he was thinking, what he was doing. One day, I sat there, spinning away. I looked over and saw my S staring at me. He looked...scared, a bit worried. That is the day I realised I needed to get a grip.

Your children are watching you, they are living this as much as you are. They are having to deal with their dad taking the crazy train. They need you Mia. Please remember that they need you to be the rock, the stability, the example. Focus on you to get your world to calm down, for them.

Please start listening to advice you are given, even better, start doing it. Like Sotto said, one baby step at a time will help.

[Mia2003]

Ok, that has made me feel bad . I am trying to be the best mum..I promise. I will do my best to refocus...but yup I'm finding it hard. Whilst h has got himself another family.

[Sotto]

I'm sorry you're feeling bad and it is a tough situation all round. I do agree that the better you can handle yourself, the better situation it will be for the kids - who like you, never asked for any of this to happen.

Do you notice that in many of your posts, there is something about what 'he did?' That is the part to try and drop I think. We know what he did and is doing and sadly we've been on the receiving end of similar behaviour. That is his part - and I do believe the karma bus always comes in some way, shape or form at some point in the future.

However, the bit I'm interested in is 'what you do' and I feel you are perhaps justifying your 'stuckness' with his behaviour - along the lines of - I'm trying, but he did this....I can't believe it. But here's the thing - you are almost a year out from BD now and your response and how you carry yourself is your part. You can put your life on hold, curl into a ball or whatever - or you can move painfully forward as we have all needed to. That's what I would love to see - some more forward movement.

Part of the value of this forum is that you don't always hear what you want to hear - and I think that helps us move forward and face painful truths about our H's, W's, M's and selves. But from that facing comes strength and authenticity - and I hope to see you become the best Mia possible - despite his poor behaviour and horrible circumstances.

So, I hope to see some good refocusing going on here and we are all here to wish you well and help you along your journey.

Xx

[twinmom]

How on earth is there any hope for reconciliation when he is living with ow? He acts like he loves her and I am nothing.

I stopped praying for my H to come home. I started praying for God to open the doors that need to be opened and close the ones that should be shut.
My H lived with OW for 3 months. He COMPLETELY replaced me & my two boys (his stepsons) with OW and her two boys. Search my old posts. It's a soap opra of HE!!.
anyway, like sotto said you need to make small goals and work on them.
Joining a gym
Staying calm with H for 24hrs no matter what he says.
Learning a new language
Etc

[mleigh4]

Mia, I am sorry, I did not intend to make you feel bad. I don't doubt you are a good mom and doing your best. I just wanted to point out the innocent victims in this, our children. It frightened me when I realized I was so caught up in my own pain, that I wasn't really thinking of his. I am not saying you are doing this, I am just sharing my experience, something that woke me up in a big way.

Our goal here is to guide you in the right direction, towards self awareness and self preservation. You can do this, and we are here to walk you through it.

Please take care of yourself, do something nice for you today. Get yourself some flowers, relax in the sun, read a good book. Do something that you enjoy, just for you.

This can be a long, dragged out, slow moving process. Once you can get past your focus on H, and turn it to you, it gets better.

(((Hugs)))

[Pax_luv]

Hi Mia,
I'm so sorry to hear that you are having a tough time. This is awful, it really is. As everyone's mentioned above, the way to start feeling better is by detaching. No doubt you are a great mom and now you have the unfortunate, yet, great opportunity to spend important and quality time together with your kid(s).

I read the book that Sotto mentioned above and while it was hard to swallow the pill knowing there was nothing I could do, it eventually helped me feel better by being selfish and turning all my energy inwards.

I'm not a religious person per se, but not too long ago, every time I found myself stewing on my h and what he was doing, I imagined myself handing him over to God. Literally, I put out my palms pretending I had a tiny H in them and passed him along to someone/ some higher power to help him because there was nothing I could do. In the beginning, I handed him off like 50-100 times a day because he kept invading my brain space! I'd be walking down the hall at work handing of my imaginary h. I would say out loud, "he's yours now. I am handing him over to you." Sometimes I even threw my tiny h as far as I could and even pretended he splattered against the wall... It would make me chuckle through my tears. In time, it really did help. Because I made a conscious act to give him to a higher power, it gave me the freedom to stop worrying. This was crucial!

The point is, try to find something that works for you because this is your journey and your journey alone.

All the best.

[Mia2003]

I did read that book very early on. Still woke up this morning with thT punched in the gut feeling but am going to try and focus on me today. Will try my utmost.

Can anyone give advice to stop me waking up at 4 am every night.

[Mia2003]

Wow Twinmom just read your posts. What a roller coaster. Did your h ever say he didn't love you?

I am trying really hard to have a better day today. Spoke to my dad about the house and he said if it came to he would buy my h out and buy it for me. Have no idea how but he has said that a number of times.

Haven't heard back from h about mediation either. Tbh things need to be formalised regardless. I don't want a divorce but do need some control. He just put forward for child access...buries his head in the sand about finances. . How he thinks he can just walk off and not pay anything towards a joint mortgage. Obviously when he was googling leaving me he opted to ignore anything he didn't like