Detach my lovely. A 40th is a big deal, really really big or you. Not marking it says something that WW has sacked you as her H. Detach and yes it hurts. My WH recently had his 60 I did not mark it and I let it pass. It did send me in a loop and I coped.
Let WW birthday pass you by, let it go. If the kids do cards then assist if you must for your kids, although I recommend you watch it pass you by.
Just my 2c.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
My 40th. Celebrated at my mom and dads. Took D7/S12 with me. Wife was with D14 at anime convention. She didn't even wish me a happy bday. She is so enveloped in the affair, she didn't even put the kids to bed. Mind^^^ Reading. A few reasons she did not acknowledge your birthday, Other than having an OM,
such as wanting to remind you that she's free to do as she wishes, and or that she's "too poor to buy" you anything (So she needs alimony or more child support) or that she's "trying to make her feelings clear to you/not play games/not get your hopes up" and the only way she knows how is to be cold.
That^^ is not rare behavior, btw.
But there's No good reason for YOU to be wondering why she missed it...So I suggest you spend No energy on mind reading games b/c it's an endless, cheese-less tunnel.
You're pondering things that are Unknowable, & it's a waste of your precious energy.
I feel as if the LONG note I posted to you a page ago, flew right by you.
This post of yours is about HER, and Your reaction to her...(which is still about HER---and So I ask you this: How much time/energy do you believe you should spend on something you cannot know AND cannot control??
I'll still get her a card for her bday next month. I will rise above it. I have to. My beliefs will not allow me to follow my emotions. I"m not sure what your goal is with this^^ action. I don't know what you're rising above, or are you trying to "show her" that you're a good person and UNLIKE HER you won't forget a spouse's birthday? Something tells me she'll read your behavior as holier than thou.
But my question is what your fear is here? Are you worried that your kids will think you're disloyal or mean or what? What do they know IF
IF you want to appear caring while NOT actively pursuing, simply support the kids buying or making her something...that would be a gesture of kindness that is not pursuing.
But getting a card for her, just from You, is pursuit. Period.
I do hurt some days- less now than a month ago. Looking forward to my own place, and starting life out again. My kids will be there with me, half the time, but I have great plans. And they deserve a happy dad, and a happy mom.
Well that's interesting wording. Allow me to add a few other things kids deserve AND OR need...
They deserve parents who love & value their children deeply, the children in a family WILL benefit from seeing parents who overcome adversity, who process, work through and then grow, from grief,
they deserve to see their parents survive a broken heart, (which mandates that we actually experience one)
Kids deserve parents who let them see SOME of our grief process, so that when their hearts break, which they inevitably will do, they'll know it's survivable and that their broken heart/pain will not last forever and will Not always make you cry...
Our children need to know they will always be loved & cherished... they deserve parents who learn from mistakes, Further, your children deserve to know what YOU can impart from all this, and model to them, such as
the value of redemption & forgiveness, the rigors of commitment
and again, the value of that challenging element... forgiveness....silently giving it, thoughtfully asking for it when appropriate.
Wouldn't this^^^ be a wonderful legacy to leave our children??
I sure hope my wife finds her happy soon. I don't think it's down the rabbit hole she's looking, but you never know. R I don't get this.
You mean to say, you hope she comes to her senses soon? OR do you truly wish her well even without you, and that you are letting go??
OR are you being sarcastic & wishing she'd be miserable because she left you, feels deep regret and then returns to you? HEY, It's very normal to feel this^^ way,!
Pretending you are "above this", & hoping she's happy without you are problems in my opinion. For one , I don't think it's true, and lying even just to ourselves ends up confusing us down the road.
Even though it's probably no big deal, I wonder if it might ultimately be better for you if you simply stayed openly fully honest with yourself, Here and elsewhere, so that you don't find yourself acting out unexpectedly...
Just a thought.
Gotta get on the walking/running thing again this week. Still, I'm hanging about 30 lbs. less than I was when the bomb dropped in late Oct. Proud of that.
Another 25 or so lbs and I'll be at my goal weight. Need to pack a few lbs of muscle on.
Well, I'm always in favor of looking our best and feeling good!! And even though getting healthy & in shape is for YOU (and not to impress or re-attract her),
it's good to know that weight loss & our physical appearance are visually verifiable & clear.
No one can say "you'll never change!" because you just did! No need to point it out b/c when people who knw you and THEN e
And Note---- No walk away spouse returns to a marriage they left; UNLESS
they believe that marriage can be better/different - than it was before they left.
Most WAS's want their LBS' need to change. And if the WAS has been hurt or wounded before, they will FEAR reconciliation b/c they fear being hurt again,
and they don't believe that it's possible for the LBS to change.
Your w is effectively saying, "YOU must do the bulk of change but I don't think you will or can" or "too little too late".
So what happens if you really do change. I mean, what happens to all her rationalizations? IF you spend quality
Ah, we need not wonder. Time reveals the truth.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'd have to disagree with some of what you just posted.
Truly detaching to me would be loving my wife, even if she doesn't love me. Christ commands me to love others, even if they don't love in return. Being cold and dark to her for the rest of my life just won't look all that attractive to her, if I want her back. MWD stresses to be as if, as if I'm happy without her, and to show my STBXW that I'm moving on, and have changed into a man only a fool would leave.
Completely focusing my entire life on me, and only me, would be selfish. Now, am I a pushover husband, begging for another chance? Nope. I hardly talk to the W anymore. So, would it seem to her that I'm being selfish? I think so, but it's really me putting some distance between us. I'm not ready to reconcile anymore. I'm still working on ME, and working through lonliness sometimes, other times it's a bout of anger, sadness, defiance (I'll show HER!), pride (that's the killer sin, right there), or pity.
On the comment of my wife finding her happy: If she's in the EA, probably soon to be PA (started taking birth control again), she has huge needs to find happiness with someone else, as she can't find it in herself. She's still workign out 6 days a week, continues to lose weight, and looks great. I think it's a MLC now, and that puts why her inability to stop the affair was so tough. If my wife is truly happy without me, and she moves forward with her life, I'm getting to be OK with that. The rejection is tough, but I did do things in the marriage, I did help cause the situation. I didn't cause her to start an affair, that's on her. However, if the MLC and EA/PA end down the road, and I'm happy, have moved on, and with someone else (I hope to be sooner or later), I can see how difficult and depressing her life could become. She's about to lose her church, 1/2 time with her kids, possibly her house, some of her friends, and she has a super-high regret meter. It would go off the charts. If I have moved on, and I'm happy, I'd naturally still care about her, and not want to see her depressed or unavailable to be a good mom to the kids. I just dread having to deal with the repercussions of her actions now. I'll never be able to get her completely out of my life - she's the mother to my kids, and I will aways care about her.
A friend of mine, who's in the same sitch as me, has told me his counsel has reminded him that he'll deal with the situation appropriately at that time, and not to deal with the 'what if's' until they truly appear in your life. It's good to gameplan, but unhealthy to constantly react now to what might happen 1,2,3 years down the road.
My thought of the card was just to be nice - but I do see from the posts above that it would be seen as manipulative from my wife, so in that regard, I won't do anything, but I will express to the kids they need to make some cards up for mom.
On the D front: I did send an email to the W, and she agreed to everything I want. I'd love to have the kids 100%, but a 50/50 split would be the best for them. Financially, I might be able to make it out ok, as the wife keeps telling me 'she doesn't want my money'. Fine by me!
I don't want the house - she'll refi, which will be dicey, but hopefully she can. I'll move into a condo or apt. close to the house, making it easy for the kids to go back and forth. I want the minivan, and will pay her half of the value. I keep my 401k, she keeps hers. She pays me half of the equity in the house upon refi of it.
I will most likely drop the motion to kick her out of the house and gain 100% custody, as it most likely won't happen... my gut, as well as what my L said. But it did help set things up for me.
Work is good. Challenging some days, but good. Support from my church, friends, and family has been good. I didn't sit and cry on my 40th - for now, it's just a day in the life of Trumpet. In fact, very few tears the last couple weeks. A few bouts of lonliness and sadness, but I'm confident in moving forward. I'm much more at peace with things. I still see my wife as broken, and needing help. She says she's fine, and we're done, and the D is moving forward. I'm facing reality, loving my kids every day, and preparing for the next stage in life.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
LONG day at work - 12+ hours, and only manager at both our used and new stores. Just wanted to get a few things off my chest.
Wife tries to pick a fight with me at almost every opportunity. The little chat we had a few nights ago was mostly spew from her. Was waiting for the detailed bill from our cell phone plan - it came, and she took it. Left the front and back pages for me to pay the bill - when I asked to see the rest of it, she refused. I got the detailed bill online - sneaky Trumpet! The 1,200 texts to OM in Chicago is enough evidence for me. It's really sad to see.
Going to see a few condos a couple blocks away from the house next tuesday. If I like one, I'll probably put an offer on it. It's the best for the kids - they'd have mom and dad just a couple blocks away, and in emergencies could go to either place.
I feel bad for W - she tells me she's the happiest she's been in the 15 years we've been married, but she doesn't look all that happy. The kids don't see too much of her - when she is home, she's in her bedroom.
Enjoying my new job, and excited to get my own place soon. I think if the D moves forward after I drop the motion to force W out of the house, we'll be done by July. Maybe - that's my hope.
I keep up with lots of stories here - Rednail, 2tl2tl, Zeus, 1313, and a bunch of others. Keep posting, everyone. I will as well, although I think I'm in the long middle slog of my adventure.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
I feel bad for W - she tells me she's the happiest she's been in the 15 years we've been married, but she doesn't look all that happy. The kids don't see too much of her - when she is home, she's in her bedroom.
No, she's not happy. I don't think she could be truly happy and still be so angry at you. After all, isn't she getting what she said she wants? She may not know it, but she really gives herself away by insisting that she's happier now than all the years she was with you.
It is a strange thing to understand her level of anger, when she was the cheating spouse. If anyone should be filled with rage, it should be the betrayed spouse. However, the cheater files everything she/he does under justification, and everything the betrayed spouse does as the offender. .
Continue to walk straight with your head held high. You have become a man of honor and courage.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I was nice to her in some emails today from work, as we worked out some budget stuff for the kids and easter. I put a smiley face in the email, and was nice in my responding. She all of a sudden was back to not being angry, and actually sent 10 or so emails to me.
I'll chalk it up to her not having much to do at work as people around her watched the basketball games, and somehow convincing herself that divorcing will work - we can be nice and civil, and everything will work out for her. Maybe it will, most likely it won't - but I won't be around to talk to her about it.
One of my counselors called me to tell me she couldn't see me anymore. It was a strange conversation, but she said she had to end our sessions, and referred me to someone else. Since the WW was seeing her, maybe WW said something that she would no longer see her if I was having sessions with her as well. No biggie, I still have my addictions group, and might find a DivorceCare group to go to once we move closer to the final D date.
I was going to work out tonight, but decided to scratch that and go to bed early, and maybe work out in the morning. My morning routine has been lagging, so a tune-up is needed.
I'm living one day at a time, or more like one week at a time. Excited that I might have my own place. Lots of little things to accomplish to get there, but I'm up for a challenge.
Talk with you all soon!
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Looked at a condo on Tues - would be nice to be so close to W's house, as it's only a couple blocks away. Kids would have the same bus stop!
Exercise has still been hard, but I'm settling into new job, so I'm hoping a few hours show up in the week, and I can balance better. Part of my addictions group is working on spinning the plates in my life, so that I don't focus just one plate to let the others fall. Exercise is one of those plates.
I love my wife. I have told the kids that. I still want to be married to their mom. However, mom wants something different. I am ok with that, and we both love them all very, very much.
Working on exchanging financials.
My W has been looking at boob jobs and tummy tucks on the computer - that's all I can get, as I don't snoop anymore. New clothes - still working out 6 times a week. She is always looking frazzled, and spends most nights alone in her (our old) bedroom. Some days her texts zing at me, other days she pokes out of the WW fog and talks like the old W. Most days, not.
My mind keeps coming back to MLC. Esp. if W doesn't see OM much. What happens when his D is done? 6 months from now, he's liable to just dump her. Maybe they live happily ever after 3 hours away from each other. Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore, right?
Some days I do great - full of complete detachment. Some days, I miss her and am lonely. Comes with the territory.
Playing tuba for the Easter services. Probably going to hang with some church friends on Easter day when W takes kids to her parent's place. Spiral ham and church potatoes - yum!
Keep on posting - I will!
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Had a talk on the Friday or Sat. before Easter - I got to see a little softer side of my W. I see her as just scared and afraid, and using the anger and words to keep me from getting close to her. It got as far as a hug between us, and her hitting me on the head as I played tuba for Easter - a kind of thing she used to do.
Then, she talks with/sees OM - really don't know, but she was back to being super cold and wayward the last two days, even to the point she's so upset at me that she now wants 80% custody, and I only will get them on the weekends. I have said OK to 3 different parenting plans, but a full week on/week off was a no-go for me. Too much time without seeing the kids - for both of us. Since I didn't cater to her wishes, she went off. Came unglued. I held it together, and vented to my close support network - my buddy going through the same thing, and my brother. Both let me know it's probably my W spewing to cover up the sin and lies she's trying to reconcile within the real world.
The order pulling the removal of my wife from the house stipulated her moving forward with the refi of the house. I want my own place, and trying to get a condo down the street. I'm hoping it will still be available by next month. I don't think my wife is dragging her feet, but she isn't racing, either. So, if the order is agreed to by both parties, no court date in April, and we move forward with the D.
Feeling ups and downs still. Anger and hurt today - bad day at work to top it all off. Tomorrow should be better. I pray for strength and guidance from the great Physician. I lay my sins before him, and he grants me peace.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
