You don't know what he is thinking, so I wouldn't even go there. You only know what you are thinking and feeling, so you need to deal with that.
I know when I had a what ever you call it with K several years ago, I did the same thing and got obsessed with all of it when it didn't go the way I hoped.
Not healthy for me that's for sure. Now you know that a guy that fits what you are looking for is out there. Before you know it, you will find one that is ready for you too.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
You are right kat, I have no clue what he is thinking. And I realize it really doesn't matter. Unless there is some action, his thoughts towards me don't mean anything.
I saw my therapist yesterday and just hurts into all out tears when I sat down. I let it all out. Every single thing. Of course my feelings aren't all about him, this has brought up other stuff for me I need to deal with. It felt good to release it and have it validated. DB has toyed with some of what I feel. Like I am not ok with myself if I still need someone else in my life. I think there is something wrong with me if I feel empty inside without a partner. My therapist ensured me that she understands my feelings and it is just human, that I am still whole even if I feel a certain emptiness alone. I'm just feeling the gaping hole a little more right now.
If you stop by my FB page, read the article I reposted. It was kind of life changing for me yesterday. When someone else puts into words exactly what you feel is pretty mindblowing. I know what I feel is just a part of the process. It really is a great read.
Thanks all for being here for me during my craziness. I'm going to make a huge shift in the way I feel now. It's a choice and I am ready to make that choice.
Your IC's couch is a great place to let it all out. And it's a good thing that you found other stuff to work through.
The one thing I think I learned from all of this is that it's so very important to fill those voids we have with things that fulfill ourselves so that we aren't vulnerable to the addiction of a new R. Healthy relationships don't remove things we need to do for ourselves - they enhance, not mask.
I found something on FB yesterday that I thought would be a great post to you. But I didn't want to shed light on your FB for the world to see. It was some therapist who was talking about the physiology of addiction after a break up. And she likened the healing process to that of curing an addiction.
We've all been guilty of doing this, so it's not directed at you personally. But I think I got stuck in a trap of wanting someone to remove the pain or void in my life that I didn't know existed (at least consciously) or wasn't willing to fill myself. I don't know if that makes sense.
What would your thought process be if you found out that it was just that neither of you was ready for each other? How would that information help you propel yourself to healing?
Love and hugs, Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
That actually makes tons of sense, and if this was me a few years ago, I would say it is all applicable. That I was filling a pain/void I wasn't capable of filling myself. It's so very different this time. I've fulfilled myself in most other ways, the best I could with what I have in my time, but I can easily identify this void, I know exactly what it is. It's the sharing of my life and that intimate connection that is the true void. My addiction wasn't during the R, but yes, maybe after where I really do crave it now that I actually found it. It's been quite the opposite now, me trying to fill a very identified and isolated void with other things, within myself, and outside of myself, but this one can only be filled my one thing, sadly enough. I know that the intensity of it will dull soon, I've got to be patient.
If I found that neither of us was ready for eachother, this would be by far easier to heal. Knowing I have to do my work, get there and become a healthier me would help me heal. This is so difficult, because I was beyond ready. And even more difficult because I was ready and he was not. It is essentially was what caused the end to come. I was trying to hold back what I was ready for and wanted and needed hoping he would catch up, but he didn't.
I do have to get out of this rut though. Somehow, some way.
Next week I'm treating myself to getting keratin treatment on my hair. It's a 2 hour process and I have no one to watch the kid. She could come with me, they love her there, but it's such a busy week I feel bad keeping her in a salon at night for over 2 hours. I asked her dad to take her an extra night for her sake, not mine, but we will see. He never offers more than he gets, but hopefully he will give it if asked. Otherwise, she chills out with me and her Ipad and some Mc Donalds.
Today is ex's and H's 5 year wedding anniversary. D8 told me they are going to Niagra falls. I was looking at my "on this day" on FB and the posts I made on that day. In an effort to make me feel better, everyone told me that they wouldn't make, once a cheater, always a cheater. Well, 5 years later and they made it longer than we did. At this point, I couldn't have it any other way, because of D8. I hope they make it a lifetime. Does it sting sometimes? Sure. If I am completely honest, it stings the most because they have had this lasting love over the past how many years. They did a bad thing and got a good thing in return. But I'm no longer looking for them to be punished. But sometimes it leaves me scratching my head why I can't find that. Just some thoughts. No real answer to them either. The universe works in mysterious ways.
Good weekend ahead though. Actually, all the weekends in April are filled with lots of fun and friends and celebrations. Bye Bye March, you can go now.
Doesn't mean he isn't cheating just 'cuz they're still together! My ex is still with her partner 8 years later...and I don't give a crap Enjoy your weekend...oh, and Happy Sabbath lol.
He cheats on her with his sick addiction to his clash of clans video game, lol. That game gets more attention than any person in his life. I don't want him to cheat. I hope he stays faithful this time. My D8 needs them together without infidelity. I would hate for her to ever find he is cheating. Again. I don't want her to lose her faith in men and a loving long lasting relationship. I can't show her that right now, but maybe they can.
Hey G! Just stopping in for a quick visit. Too bad I'm not in my Hometown. I could meet them LOL.
Hang in there sweetie. Better things are ahead for you. I was worried about your future with your boyfriend. (not what you want to hear). I was afraid that you were giving more than him. You and little G just deserve the best of everything. And it will happen. He was your rebound. My rebound hurt like no other. But I got passed it and I got Josh.
our anniversary today too. 12 years! I met Josh before you even split with your ex!
Tempus Fugit.
Hello everyone! Update soon. Sorry I've been AWOL. Moving on. Catch me on the ALT
Thanks for checking in. while he wasn't the rebound (I've had a few of those over the years) I was following my M.O. of giving more than I receive. I have never had a R go any other way. This time, I recognized it and realized I couldn't live like that. My heart hurt.
I think I have beaten a dead horse to death enough. Part of the healing process and it has been helpful. But I just got to let it all go.
(yes, I am at work, and my work bores me, so I've been on here too much)
Just a little big update, and a thanks for all of you helping me out. I know I was posting like a nutjob like I did back in BD, but it did help, so thank you.
I had some realizations this weekend which I discussed with my guardian angel, aka, my IC. I read an article which made me realize, that although I couldn't do things his way(which I tried), I didn't love him any less. And he could not do things my way at this time in his life (i.e commitment and effort) it doesn't mean he loved me any less. We both had to be true to ourselves. And I completely understand why he couldn't commit to me right now. Long story, but he needed to do his own thing for a while, else there would have been ton of regret on his end. This lifted some of the anger out of my heart and filled me with compassion instead. My IC said my realization was incredibly mature and she wouldn't have even realized that. Then I told her I never let him go, because I felt in the back of my mind he would come back, and it is desperately holding me back ad the only way I felt like I could do it is reaching out to him, tell him how I have been feeling since we ended and what I have come to realize. It is incredibly anti-DB, and I thought she would knock it down, but I'm not trying to get him back. I'm trying to move on, be honest with myself and him, and be able to see him in the future because our paths will cross due to mutual friends. She said I should absolutely reach out and write an email if it is for my closure and to be able to move on. I've started it, and don't know when I will send it, but it was therapeutic just to write it.
That being said, my IC and I got to the bottom of how I am feeling the overwhelming weight of all responsibilities and feeling stretched entirely too thin and how that feeling has been exacerbated since everything happened. He wasn't here helping me with any of my everyday life, but it brought to light the true feeling of the simple things, when someone cares enough to talk about your day with at the end, tell you they miss you, and have that type of intimate conversation, how it could truly dull the weight of all the stressors. I loved being with him on the weekends when he would make a meal for me, rub my feet, make me a fire (in the fireplace,lol)..... when you have no one "taking care" of you for so long, you realize what a difference it makes. So, it was good to identify why I was so stressed and anxiety filled with my crazy life, when really, my responsibilities hadn't changed. I was feeling guilty about going back to the gym on D8's swim team days (I joined the gym at the Y where she swims) because I would not have her home until 7:45 on those days. My IC ensured me she is a kid, she can handle it and it would be good for her. And it is imperative for me. She sees how I need my outlet desperately. I can no longer go home, do my chores and just sit on that couch, it was making me a nut case. So last night, I joined the gym, she came along, I took a spin class and felt infinitely better. I can't even explain what it did for my spirit. I was calmer, not high strung and even got more done when I got home, and appreciated my hour of TV, which I was hating when it was all I had. My dad had also asked me where I wanted to go for mothers day, what I wanted to do, what time ect. I said, "dad, you know what I would love? Anything that you plan for me that doesn't involve me having to make a decision or plan it. I just want to show up." He said absolutely. Spending so long being the only one who plans and makes decisions, it would be a DREAM for me to just enjoy something. Even if the plan was lunch at mc Donald's.
One last thing. I might be going to Israel in May! My BFF's H is going for business, she is going with and wants me to come. Even though my jacka$$ of an exH claimed our daughter on the wrong year in his taxes and caused mine to reject (grrrrrr), I will eventually get it, it was a sizable amount, and this is a once in a lifetime chance! I am having passport issues due to name chance (I cant find the divorce document with the seal). I hope this all works out,
Enjoy your weekend...oh, and Happy Sabbath lol.