Are people telling you that you should end your marriage and get on with your life. Here's a saying that I love. "Never take advice from someone who doesn't have to live with its consequences." No one walks in your shoes. No one really knows your heart. Do what you think is right. Follow your own north star. Michele Weiner-Davis
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
I just got back from doing a conference in Louisville, Kentucky for KAMFT. The turnout was wonderful! It was a great day. I talked about doing effective couples therapy when only one spouse shows up AND healing from infidelity. I enjoyed the day as much as my standing ovation crowd! Thank you to Tricia and Karen- past and present Presidents of KAMFT -for the invitation and fabulous day!
Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting 2/29/16
If kids come first, marriage won't last. Have that be your marriage mantra.
If you can't put yourself into someone else's shoes and truly try to understand WHY they feel the way they do - even if you don't agree, you'll never have a lasting, loving relationship. Healthy marriages have two people who are concerned about their partner's feelings even when they don't see eye to eye. Is it hard? You bet. But no one ever said having a great relationship is easy. Do the hard thing. Stretch outside your comfort zone. That's where the magic is.
Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting 3/2/16
Divorce is not an event that happens and its over.
Sometimes people say, "My spouse and I are really different. I want out." Here's the truth about this statement. Research tells us that people who are in long term, happy marriages have no more in common than those who divorce. The only difference is that in happy marriages, people learn how to deal with their differences. Differences don't have to divide, they can be a source of personal growth. Michele Weiner-Davis
Sometimes people say that they have to leave their marriages to "find themselves." I always find this interesting because I truly believe that you can learn so much about yourself in relationship. Where else can you have a mirror held up to you? Where can you learn about acceptance or forgiveness? Where else besides being in relationship do we learn about the importance of letting the small things slide? Let's not forget patience, selflessness and commitment... Yes, relationships are fertile ground for finding oneself and engaging in personal growth. Try it. Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting March 6 at 4:25pm
Marriage doesn't make you happy. Nor do children. In fact, research shows that marital satisfaction goes down with the birth of each child. If this is so, what makes people happy? YOU MUST MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY. Then the joy you receive from marriage is icing on the cake. When you're considering getting out of your marriage, first make sure your own life is joyous before you assess the quality of your relationship. Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting March 9 at 4:26pm What attracts people to each other is often what causes problems later on in life. For example, one woman left her husband to be with someone who was more outgoing, free-spirited and liked to have a good time, only to discover that, as time passed, she detested that he was always the one to stay the latest at parties, he drank too much and he was unreliable. She wanted to go back to her "stick in the mud, sometimes less-than-exciting" ex who was also a rock of Gibraltar. Get it? Do you see what I mean? Remember, the things that might bother you about your spouse are just the flip side of a wonderful coin. Don't lose sight of that.
Due to rapidly changing weather patterns in Colorado there's a saying, "If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes." A similar phenomena is true for marriage. Research shows that two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stay married report that their marriages are happy five years later. This is true even in marriages where there are serious problems such as substance abuse, infidelity, verbal abuse, etc.. That's because people can change. If you wait out the storm, you can avoid the unintended problems brought about by divorce and keep your family together. Plus, believe it or not, you can become happier and more loving. Hang in there!
If you want to save your marriage, even if your spouse wants out and you go to a therapist who is trying to convince you to move on in your life, stop seeing THAT therapist and go to someone else. Too often therapists side with the spouse who wants to divorce because they really don't know how to handle it when two partners have different goals for the marriage. Don't take it personally, just find other resources.
Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting March 25 at 10:29am
People often attribute relationship problems to personality clashes. That's not the way I look at it. Usually, a relationship breaks down when problems remain unresolved which is the result of a relationship skill deficit. Maya Angelou once said, "People do the best with the tools they have. If they knew better, they would do better." I help couples "know better." Michele Weiner-Davis
If your spouse is thinking of getting out of your marriage, here's the truth. You have to do the lion's share of the work to try to get things back on track. It may not be fair, it may not be right, but that's just the way things are for now. Don't let your ego get in the way of doing what you need to do to make your marriage work. It takes patience and stick-to-itiveness. But where there's a will, there's a way. You can do it! And if in the end, it doesn't work, at least you can say you've done everything humanly possible to save your marriage. And that's worth a lot.
Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting March 29 at 10:46am
Some people feel shame when they want to stay married after their spouse has had an affair. That is unfortunate. The truth is, most people don't leave their marriages after infidelity. They just judge themselves because they promised themselves they would leave if their spouse were ever unfaithful. You never really know how you'll feel about something until you're in that situation. If your spouse has had an affair, you can work through it. Be kind to yourself- there is no shame is staying. It takes courage.
