You know Mleigh, today I came so very close to telling him that he's depressed and maybe he should talk to someone for antidepressants. It's so warped. He probably thinks somebody on death row has a better life. But I just don't think he is ready to believe he's depressed.
Plus, he is better. This time last year his depression was really, really bad. He literally barricaded himself into the dorm room and even propped a chair against the door. (There is no lock on that door.) When he was home he was always in that room & only came out to eat dinner or go to the bathroom. He kept the blinds closed for 3 months straight--not a glimmer of sunlight. And he did have the worst thoughts one can have. Those were really stressful days. I wasn't posting here yet.
So I do see improvement, granted the bar was low last year. It's hard to know when to intervene. My gut tells me he won't believe he needs help.
Here is the other problem. Sad as this, at this point, I would just want him to get a prescription for antidepressants and not see an IC. I think the warped depression tinged story he would tell the IC would lay the foundation for him to hear: cut and run, make yourself happy, do what feels right, etc. I have little faith that an IC will detect that this is MLC.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
The comments he made are dissatisfaction w/his life. He sees others smiling and being pleasant and he thinks that they are happier doing what they are doing. He only sees them in that setting and doesn't have a clue as to what responsibilities go along w/that individual. He's sad, he wants change and doesn't know how to go about it. He's depressed...even if he got a prescription for ADs, there is no guarantee that he would take them. My former MLCing friend got a prescription for Paxil and he would open the bottle, smell the drugs and then close the bottle up and put it away. He didn't want anything that was going to mess w/his brain. They have to figure things out, but you could gently suggest that maybe he needs to go in to the GP for a check up to see what's going on. I wouldn't suggest IC at this point because he's not ready for that.
As for cleaning up the kitchen...he makes a mess, he should clean it up. I do agree w/you 100% on that one.
I do hope that you and your family have a Happy Easter!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I recall one visit last year that H left here so depressed I was seriously worried he'd try to kill himself. He said he knew he was suffering from depression before he left. The next time he came back, he said he'd done a lot of thinking and self-reflection, had worked through it and his depression was over!
Now, he's into the mantra of this life engineering group he found and everything is joy, joy, joy. Be joyful. Don't worry that your train is about to go over the edge of a cliff. Just be joyful as you crash. They are so open to suggestions to try doing this or that. But they don't just try it, they dive in. At least my H does.
I understand what you're saying about an IC who wouldn't see MLC. I know my H is in serious need of therapy but I too fear that, at this point, an IC might do more harm than good.
As a matter of fact, H did see an IC for a few sessions during round 1 many years ago. The IC actually encouraged him to abandoned his life here and go chase the fantasy. Then, during the one session he had with me, he said I was attractive and still young. I'd find someone else!
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
Some of them do go off the deep end and join life engineering groups as well as become obsessive over religion. Some talk about climbing Mt. Everest or becoming a Monk. They are seeking change, i.e., anything that will calm the racket that is banging in their heads. They know something is wrong, but they can't put their finger on what it is. It's very sad when they are so close to meds and therapy and yet, they are miles away in their minds.
All you can do is listen and observe from afar. It's tough to watch them go thru this and even more so when you listen to their "out loud" thoughts.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joy is a great mantra, actually. The problem is how you perceive it. If joy has to do with going out and looking for joy in some crazy places, you'll be heard pressed to find it. If the mantra of joy is focusing on finding it in what you have, then you'll be pretty joyful.
The key to finding this joy is inside of ourselves. Too bad his life engineering group doesn't preach that.
Your are absolutely correct 100%. Happiness comes from within, not from external sources.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
2Times2Many- my h said the exact same words to me about a year ago: "you should go find someone while you are still young and beautiful." My response to him: "I am not looking to find 'someone.' Plus, I am the mother to two children and that would really mess them up if I suddenly went around dating other men." I have never subscribed to whole "I should just make me happy and the kids will understand" mentality. Although that is exactly what he wanted to do. Very selfish.
Job - the MLCer turned monk is probably pretty common. 1 year ago I knew h was in MLC at this point and he had recently told me he needed to "change his life." We were out one day and h told us about this boss he had in his 20's. The guy had it all: lucrative career, wife, kids, etc. Well, he quit, sold every possession he had, gave all his money away and became a monk!! I said: "let me guess, he was around 50 yrs. old?" H says yes. I say to the boys: "kids, that's called a midlife crisis." H get really mad and says: "no he just wanted to change his life. People want that." Me: "ok so what happened to him?" Long pause. H: "2 years later he reappeared at the company asking for his job back as though he had just quit yesterday." Me: "yep, when you change your life that drastically, that's a midlife crisis." Of course h could not see the ridiculousness of it. And I had not yet found DB so I was still trying to reason with him.
Last night after kids went to sleep I hid eggs for their hunt. On the counter were three boxes from a bakery. These are the treats h bought the other day. There was one for me, too. Very thoughtful. Again, it is improvement from last year, though ever so slow. In the am, I thanked him. He made no eye contact. It's okay. I didn't look at it and think: I hope he still has feelings for me. Really, I just thought: I am okay with things as they are. And I wasn't sad.
This is kind of funny. I made a nice brunch. H came out and decided to put on some music. That is progress. I know he has talked a lot about trying to "feel" as I know depression leaves that void. Well, he opted for Christmas music! So there I was eating Easter brunch to Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer!! Job, hope this has you laughing on the floor. S12: "why are we listening to Christmas music in March?" H: "because it's cheerful."
All that was missing was that Christmas tree he wanted to keep up . . .
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
OMG! Christmas music at Easter. Well, it could be because they are all tied into his childhood and the memories of what the "goodies" were like on those special days. Maybe he associates Christmas to being happy.
Honestly, I truly would like to better understand what his hang up is w/Christmas, i.e., music and that tree. That particular holiday holds a special meaning for him...but what and how?????
Whatever happened to the song about Peter Cottontail hopping down the bunny trail? That song use to be played a lot and now you don't hear it at all. Gosh, I'm telling my age on that one. LOL!
Happy Easter and enjoy your goodies and you better eat them quickly or he will have gobbled them up and left the empty container there for you to toss.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes, there is some sort of hangup on Christmas. It has always been a favorite and I suspect he is summoning energy from that season and its festvities. But who knows. Maybe he is stuck because something happened one XMAS?!?
Well, next up: 4th of July. I'll have Silent Night on standby. LOL!!
My kids listened to Peter Cottontail!!! Maybe I'll play is at Christmas.
Happy Easter Job. And thank you for ALL you have done for me. I owe you so much.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I'm glad Easter has gone well for you, in spite of the choice in music.
Just to hijack for a second (sorry HaWho) ... Ginger, I agree that joy is a good mantra and didn't mean to indicate otherwise. The group H is associated with seems to teach a lot of positive approaches to build a happy and joyful life. H just distorts some of them to suit his purposes, uses others (like seeking and living a joyous life) to validate his poor choices and behavior and then disregards the others. That's all I meant.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
