OMG! Jerkface is such an idiot for the wrong text! I am so sorry!!!
I wish I could smack him on your behalf. Mona, jerkface is such a jerk and an idiot. And I really think that he should be certified legally blind what not seeing what a good catch you are!
(((Mona)))
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Made it to Wednesday! I am officially falling behind on my life because I am doing fun things. Not just guys, but lots and lots of kid time. Now I am trying to catch up on work and it is painfully hard to concentrate. Tonight is karaoke with S12 and D15. How can I edit a manuscript when I have to figure out what I can sing to both impress my kids and NOT make a total fool out of me?
I have a ton of actual work to do, but there is so much work that I have no idea where to begin so I just hopped over here
But I am not worried. (Warning I am about to admit to poor parenting, lol) Last night D15 comes to me. She had 2 months to research and finish a paper due today. And when I say last night, I mean 11 PM of course. She handed me the rubric and I handed her the paper, with references 15 minutes later, lol. So I can get my silly work done. I just cant focus on it because I have so much going on in my life.
I sent my sister to a halfway house in a different city yesterday. She wont hurt her children or our family anymore. My mom does not know. But once she finds out, she is gonna flip. She will be so pissed at me she might kick me and the kids out. That would be FANTASTIC! I hate living there, and I still pay rent on my house.
No word from jerkface so I am sure that means he is not coming to karaoke tonight. S12 wants him to come so badly. But that is out of my control. With as much as he has been trying to talk to me lately, I sort of thought he would come. That was my fault for raising my expectation. He sounded to proud the other day when he told me he actually texted the kids.
Its the middle of the week so I will have very little contact with Chris. He lives far away and only has off Sunday and Mondays so during the week we dont talk much. A few weeks ago it used to drive me crazy that he did not text me all the time during the week.
I knew it was unhealthy for me to need him to text me and even way more unhealthy that I spiraled into depression when he did not. I would of course think he was with an other woman. then I would think he is not capable of filling my needs because I need more text messages.
I did not let him see my crazy, but it was horribly there. I knew I was acting badly (in my head at least). I knew I was just holding on to the insecurities that i feel because my m died. But just because i knew what I was doing, that did not mean I could fix it.
It was hard. Minute by minute I had to remind myself that my feelings were not rational. Chris does not need to text me every five minutes. That does not mean I will spend the rest of my life ugly, penniless and alone. He is not seeing other women.
I made it to the other side of my crazy now. I did not text him at all last night, or today yet. And I have no inner turmoil about it. If I need a text, I have a bunch of friends I can text any time of the day or night. Literally, there is ALWAYS someone there, lol.
What I have to keep figuring out is how to get my needs met. I need to stop forcing life to meet my needs only in the way I think they should be met. For example, I want Chris to text me more. The actual need I have is that I get a few text messages sprinkled throughout the day to let me know someone care about my day. It would be nice if that were Chris, but I need to learn to get my need met and not force the who and how.
It is also getting complicated because Chris is moving so fast. I have told him it is all too fast. He tells me he knows he is freaking me out. He stopped with the ILY because he saw that it really bothered me. It is MWD's fault he is moving so fast. I have studied everything under the sun about R. I have started this with Chris obsessively searching for what he likes. Fill his needs the way he wants and not the way I feel his needs should be met. It has had outstanding results. His head is spinning half the time. That is not a terrible thing, but I feel like I am painting myself into a corner for the future.
I am not ready to kill the idea of R at some point years from now. But I am also not ready to end anything with Chris. I went into this telling him I was not looking for commitment and now I feel he is speeding in that direction.
I think I will sit down and have another heart to heart with him on Monday. My goal will be for him to relax, have fun and not put too much pressure on making it a committed R yet.
Now I HAVE to get some work done. I have to get off FB and this forum and put my nose to the grindstone.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
jerkface texted me real late last night. He is not happy and not happy with me.
He texted me instead of his gf a couple days ago and felt so bad about it. Then, on Wednesday, he sent me a text saying he cant make it to Karaoke. I dont know why he sent the text because he has never sent a text any other week telling me he was not coming.
His text was not really a question, so I did not reply.
He was not happy I did not reply.
So I got the text last night H: I have a tough question. Would you be willing to go half on the court costs and filing fees for the divorce.
I am sure he was expecting me to balk. Say no. Tell him, yet again, I dont want a D. Instead...
Me: Sounds great, Is next Friday okay? That is payday. Can we sign that 10 day waiver thing to get it done more quickly?
After a while... H: idk, let me look into it.
Me: Thank you for filing
H: Yes, I know you want this done
------- I dont, but I did not say it because I have already told him a million times I dont want a D. But, my pride did not allow me to end the conversation with him pushing this on me so...
Me: Lol yeah right...
I have mixed feelings about this. My m died a while ago. Pulling the plug is the nicest thing to do for everyone involved. I am excited to see where things might go with Chris or maybe even Brian if Chris does not work out.
But I am sad I am getting a D. I am sad he had A's. I am sad I was wronged and forced into this.
I am very nervous about the kids interacting with Chris. Since I now see Chris 3 out of every 7 days, I think it is time they all meet. Chris is a shy guy, and I know this will be uncomfortable for him. I am not sure how to make this go smooth for him.
The more I think about the D, the more I change from sadness to kinda excited. I LOVE LOVE my maiden name sooo much more than my married name. I really am happy to change that. I am happy to be completely independent of anyone. I can do anything in the world I want to do.
------------- While typing this reply jerkface texted me to let me know we can expedite the D if we pay a little more. By we pay he means I pay for the extra...
I told him i would drop the money off for the D tomorrow. You will never guess what his reply was.
H: Can you pick me up a pack or 2 of ciggs?
HAHAHAHA
What a loser.
OMG, I am going to have the biggest D party. If all goes well, I will be d by April 9th.
I have 2 big trips happening in April
Looks like when I go to Washington, I will be D'ed. When I go to Vegas I will be D'ed. I am SOOOOOO getting M again in Vegas! If i can find the right Elvis that is.
-------------------------- Anyway... Today is Friday and my workday ends in 13 minutes. Brian will be waiting to dance with me, but first I will go with mt group of friends to eat some dinner. And... I never see Chris on Friday, but there was a death in his family and I am going to head up to his house at 11:30 PM when he gets off work to show him some support
Saturday he is taking me to a dance. Sunday is Easter, I dont know if I will see him, but I probably will.
Monday I will go back up to see him again. I never get to see him 4 days in one week. Weird. And it all starts tonight! in 15 short minutes. yey!
I hope you all have a Happy Easter no matter who you are with or what you are doing!
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
My h texted me and asked me to pay for the D. Over the weekend I told him I was dropping off the money for the D. He asked if i could buy him 2 packs of ciggs as well.
I did, but I am done. I know I am done because I dont even feel bad about any of it.
H texted me on Sunday to say Happy Easter and I did not really care. I replied Happy Easter and told him to have a good day at work and went about my day.
He should go in and file the D papers any minute now, so I am hoping for a text soon saying the divorce is filed. I paid the extra money to expedite it and waive the waiting period.
I have something working and I dont want my H to take any of it from me, so I really need the d to go through asap or he could possibly sue me and get more money from me.
I am not stealing anything from him. I did research, and I may win an award. He does not deserve this, it is not his.
I am also a little worried he will find out I work three jobs now and take me in for spousal support. I only work these jobs because he gives me next to nothing for child support. But, if he takes me in, he will win i think.
So I neeeeeed this divorce to be done and over. This waiting is making me so anxious. I have a constant knot in my belly, like I played hookie from school and I dont want my parents to find out.
--------------------------------------------------- My new guy is also causing a bit of stress on me. That sounds selfish to say once I tell you what is wrong, but I am not being selfish to him. I come here to be selfish
He is suffering from depression. He gets help and leads a normal life because he has learned to manage it properly. However... in the week all three of his kids had major issues he had to deal with. His 16 year old is in trouble with the magistrate, his D19 could not take her driver's text due to a mental breakdown on the day of the test where she could not stop crying and just said over and over to him "Help me daddy, I am just so sad all of the time. Help me daddy".
Then he had major issues with his supervisors at work and was stressed out completely.
And just when he thought nothing else could go wrong, his D23 found her bf dead on her sofa from a heroine overdose. From what I understand he was not a drug addict and he was a saint to his D. He got up every morning and made her coffee, even when he was sick. He put her first in all things and he was so good for her. Everyone loved him and his death is tragic for all involved.
my new guy may be able to keep his depression under control in a normal, every day setting, but this has all spiraled him quickly into being so sad.
Thanks to DB I think I am able to navigate these waters and not drown in them. I understand why he is sad, and I also understand I cant fix ANY of his problems. I cant pull him out of a depression.
I am offering him support by letting him know I will listen if he needs to talk. I have asked him a few questions to try and get him to open up, but not a lot. This is his issue to deal with and I cant deal with it for him. So I am letting him know I am here, but I have pulled my focus way back to myself.
The best thing I can do for him to to take care of myself and stay happy myself. When he is ready to join me, I am here, but I cant go where he is.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
