If you read my posts over the past two months you'll see I also went through a huge "what is wrong with me/why did I scare him away" phase post-breakup as well. After counseling and LOTS of conversations with friends I am finally past that part of it, but was also depressed for awhile. Dreaded waking up in the morning and remembering how things would be different, engaging in activities but not really enjoying them, XBF was in my thoughts like 80% of my waking hours, etc. After two months I can say that it's finally diminished, I enjoy things that I typically enjoy doing, and he's maybe in my thoughts like 30% of the time (which still sounds like a lot but is a big improvement, and it's mostly when things trigger it. For example, we had a webinar at work yesterday where the main speaker was in Canada, and XBF grew up in Canada, so he was in my mind for quite a bit during it). And I can better identify some of the red flags that I ignored in the spirit of being "open-minded" or felt like that was all I deserved or could get, but that I probably wouldn't have tolerated or put up with had I been at a different point in life. I was attracted to "edgy" and interesting (which really meant not dependable, elusive, and ambiguous) and hopefully I know now to not overlook the "boring" aka nice and dependable guys who actually have the values I want.
Time helps. Staying busy helps. I read some articles that talked about how people's brains right after a breakup look much like drug addict's brains - your brain is actually addicted to the person and when they leave cold turkey it's much like a withdrawal. Your brain keeps thinking about them as a way to feed that craving. Maybe knowing that much of it is brain chemistry right now is helpful!
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
I getcha G! I was always raised to believe everything was my fault (Mom!). My R with SDA lady has been over for over 2 years and at times I still blame myself ...if only I'd tried harder, been more accepting 'cuz nobody's perfect, I hurt her badly so I'm a bad person blah blah blah. That stuff sticks with you but you just try to recognize when it's happening that it's not reality, just sh*t. That doesn't mean that we don't look at our relationships and see where we could have done better but we also have to be loving to ourselves...and that means giving ourselves the same understanding we give everyone else! Being loving means loving ourselves too
KGirl, Thanks so much for your post. I have been following along closely with your thread and I can say I have been going through the same feelings post break-up as you and I most certainly feel your pain and wish neither of us had it. I admit, he is on my mind about 23 hours of the day. I play it over an dover in my head obsessively. But this time, not so much what I did wrong. I 100% did what I should have done. I do not doubt I had to tell him either we move forward, he also becomes a part of my life, or we need tocease contact. Like a mutual friend had said, I just need to be ready for the fallout if he choses not to give me what I need. I did this at a point where I was ready for the fallout. Only problem is, I have been having such a hard time, because according to his words, I had strong hope this wouldn't have been the outcome. I figured after a little thinking, if his words were true, it would be a no brainer to work together to move forward. But it wasn't. Words mean nothing without action. So I've not been replaying in my head what I did wrong. I did right. But what I fight with was is I am as a person, (who I am actually finally pretty good with) not worth it to him? Am I not lovable as I am? But I know I am. For the right guy I will be. But that's what the replay is. I could not have done anything differently. He pretty much said as much himself. He would have been content with me just taking what he could give. He was happy with that. It was me who needed more. Not because I am selfish, but because I loved him.
I am also having a hard time with going cold turkey. It's exactly what I needed to do, but as in anything, there is a true withdrawl period. Cold turkey was me. He wanted to stay connected. I couldn't. I also struggle with all these things in this cold turkey time I still feel like I have to say. But what's the point? he knows how I feel. He knows what happened. he made his choice. With my exH, I let him know every freakin angry and hurt feeling that came into my head. Made him dislike me more. So I started keeping a journal where I write what I want to say to him. Kind of weird, maybe, but it also helps me make that time the time he can be on my mind, to free up the space in my head at other times. I do often wonder if he thinks of me as I think of him. Probably not. D8 brought him up yesterday. She still misses him. Doesn't like to tell me because she doesn't want to make me sad.
Time will heal. I will end up seeing him again as we have mutual friends. Hopefully by that time I'll be in a good place with all of this.
Positives of the day: I'm getting a lot of money back in taxes and I got a letter saying I made the President's list at my University! WooHoo!
I think going over and over the same things is part of our brain healing so it's OK! Something that I read online that helped me when I started to feel like I was ruminating and bordering on obsessing thinking about what happened and why it happened was that each time I thought about it, I needed to answer one of these two things: -What does this mean about him and the relationship (draw a conclusion) or, -What can I learn from this and apply to future experiences (take action)
And if I couldn't get myself to any of those things it was time to think about something else instead of unproductively thinking.
I totally understand this about saying you're ready for the fallout but really not thinking that outcome would happen. I was prepared to have a conversation that I knew could end in a breakup if we weren't going to be on the same page. But in my heart because of the things he said that made it seem like he was serious/this would be long term, I really didn't think we'd break up, just talk it out and then come to some sort of solution. I really didn't believe he would decide he couldn't do what I thought were simple things (fill me in on stuff and keep me in the loop about his life) and just walk away. My bluff was called, I guess. And yes, I was also the one who wanted more and if I had kept the status quo perhaps we would still be together.. but I loved him and to me that meant a different set of things happening than what was currently going on.
Standard breakup recovery advice is to journal and to set aside specific time to think about what happened and ONLY during that time ideally, so you can focus on other things the rest of the day.. sounds like you're doing what you need to!
I think about whether or not he thinks of me or misses me as much as I miss him.. it's hard to imagine he does otherwise you'd think he'd come running back (or.. send me a text at least, ha) and say he made a mistake and wants to talk about things. But from what I know about him even if he really felt that, he probably wouldn't follow through on it - he's too scared of getting "lost" in someone else and also maybe a little bit proud and stubborn.
I recently went on a few dates with someone else and I'm thinking I wasn't ready because I did wayyy too much comparison to XBF ("well at this point in time I felt X way with XBF and I don't feel this way at all"). Quite likely this guy wouldn't have been a thing anyway but it's harder to tell with this other stuff clouding things up. I'm not going to go on any more dates with him and now that I've decided that, the distraction is gone and it's back to missing XBF a bit more
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
Kgirl, I give you many props because you were true to yourself with your wants and needs, as was I. That is something I do not regret, and I hope you don't either. I hoped he would want to figure this out together, but he didn't.
I have to stop myself everyday from telling him that I miss him. It's not easy. And a huge 180 for me. This was the first guy since exH, and probably more so than exH that I became truly intimate with. And I don't mean that sex wise. We were both completely ourselves together and completely comfortable with it. he felt the same way. It's hard to move forward when you get that with someone. I wish like hell he would straighten his crap out and want to be with me. Wishful thinking though. But while I wish that, I am probably not ready to move on.
Aside from that something weird happened yesterday at Easter. A little back story. My dad and mom split when I was 17. long story behind it, but shortly after he began an R with a coworker. Which he told me started after my mom. My mom suspected it was happening sooner. My dad says no, but it was atleast an EA. Well, yesterday relatives visiting dated their relationship in a conversation. It was before my dad left my mom. They got caught red handed. While my mom was mentally ill, I understand her hurt. I wish I could say sorry to her somehow. But, it still doesn't make me love my dad and stepmom any less.
G, sometimes when we are going over and over something in our head we are looking for that magic bullet. If I just find that "thing" that will explain all this then I can stop it from happening to me again and I can move on. This is a classic anxiety behaviour and I'm pro at it! It's like spinning your tires in the mud and you just get deeper and deeper into the muck but never get any further out. It's a fine line between "processing" and obsessing. I don't know where you are in this but I'm just tossing this out 'cuz I know I do it. Unfortunately (or fortunately) in life there is seldom that cut and dried pat answer that will wrap it all up into a neat little ball, "If only I had done or said this then...". Realize that when we do this we seldom get any answers that satisfy...sure, every once in a while we come up with a new thought and that just serves to keep us coming back for more. It reminds me of that saying "who says worry doesn't work, all the things I worry about never happen!" So just be aware that sometimes when we think we're "just processing" we're really not, we're obsessing. Feel better...it's not an easy journey. I've been there and done that. I think also the Easter holiday must have had an impact on you, it's hard to be alone on those holidays (although I know you love your daughter and your family, you can still feel something is missing). Thinkin' of ya
I definitely do have to keep on moving forward. I am. I'm just sadly and sluggishly doing it. Thanks Cadet, I'm trying to remember I am awesome and my awesomeness isn't defined by the rejection of a guy.
Wii, I am totally obsessing. But I totally cannot even run through what I did wrong. Because, gosh darnit, I actually did just about everything right. Right up until I told I needed commitment to making this work else I couldn't do it anymore. It's the rejection. It's the truth. It's kicking my butt more this time because I really cared.
Yup, you nailed it. Ever since I stop grieving ex, got my life together, forgiven and accepted everything, that something that is missing is blaring like a large neon sign in my heart. Not just anyone can fill it either. I thought I found the love that would. Realizing I didn't is rough. And the fact I am missing him more than I thought and he appears to not be missing me at all has kicked my ego's and hearts butt.
Just something else to get through. I appreciate everyone's kind words and listening to me ramble like a lunatic.
