Sotto, thanks for stopping by. Please don’t diminish your support. I appreciate all the opinions that you guys post to me. I have been keeping up with your posts and also reading your posts to others. You have a lot of good advice to share. Yes, you might approach the things differently and your circumstances are different, but I still learn a lot from you. In my case, if there would be a known OW, who knows how I would react.
Job, I have the impression from your posts that you think I should stop doing things for H and cut him dry. I read on other threads that people are encouraged to develop/maintain some kind of friendships with their spouses. I’m not sure if I’m misreading it, but it seems to me that it doesn’t apply to my sitch. I really don’t understand what is different with me.
Originally Posted By: job
after all, you've been doing a lot of stuff for him and as long as he's got someone doing this stuff for him, why would he want to think about cutting ties?
I think he would want to cut ties with me because this is what he wanted to do, because he was unhappy with me, because he wanted to be free of me, to start his new “phase” of life... I’m sure he is smart enough to understand that he cannot truly start the next phase of his life while still connected to me. And… allowing me to stay at the condo… and allowing me to keep my clothes and my stuff in the bedroom… and having the joint accounts, etc…
I constantly think about this enabling thing though… I think I just have to naturally come to the point when I would not want to do this anymore. This would mean that I would be completely DONE. No way back. The thoughts of him not being that guy anymore constantly cross my mind recently.
I think that he tries to keep these ties with me and also being nice, because he feels that I’m moving on.
I’m also not sure what else I can do for GAL… I went to a St. Patrick’s Day parade and activities yesterday. We did ride on a fire truck – the old one, from the museum. We had a lot of fun! A lot of drinking too… Today, I went to my hair stylist and got my hair done, then cooked dinner, my son came over after the gym, we ate and I gave him lots of leftovers. He is taking 5 classes at the university and working full time (well, with the exception when he takes the classes.) He was very appreciative about the food I gave him.
Job, is there something I’m missing? I think I do things for me all the time (I actually think that I even became too selfish in this department, LOL), but you keep asking me what I do for me. What is it you see that I don’t see? I would really like to know.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
In many instances, we do encourage doing things for the wayward spouse, however, there comes a time when people will need to decide just how long they are going to continue doing so. At some point, when there is little to no movement (indications) that the wayward spouse is waking up or actually reconnecting, then something has to change. A person can either increase communication just a wee bit to see if the wayward spouse will begin responding more frequently or slowly decease some of those activities that a wayward spouse has left in the person's hands to see if there is any type of reaction and/or allow them to grow up and take on some responsibility.
Actually they can start a new phase of their lives while remaining married and living happily ever after w/o filing for divorce. If the wayward spouse gets involved w/op, they can always use the excuse that they are already married. Some of them are very happy to have their spouses continue to act as their "agents" and they can go about their business and know that they've got you in their back pocket if they ever wish to return. There are many cases where the wayward spouse just ups and leaves never to be seen or heard from again and the left behind spouse carries on as if the wayward spouse will return one day. Now, this could be a normal situation or a MLC situation. It's really anyone's guess, but it does happen.
Don't panic over what I've written. Am I saying that this is the situation w/you? I honestly don't know. You know your h better than any of us.
I'm glad to see that you've had a busy weekend. You need the GAL activities to help free your mind of MLC for a while.
I'm not telling you what to do, but I am offering you advice/suggestions to make you think about your situation and how to change things up. I think it would be best if I stepped away from your thread for a bit as you tend to get a bit upset/frustrated w/my postings and right now, you don't need to feel that way as you have enough to deal with.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The whole issue of how much to "do" or support the MLCer reminds me of my elders asking why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? LOL.
I think I look at what I do for h on a case by case basis. Some things I do because it's actually in MY best interest to make sure they are done ... like paying utility bills or maintaining the house. We don't split the utility bills since he doesn't live in the house, but he does pay his half of maintenance, insurance and such.
I could stop doing things like depositing his checks, but that would make his life a complete and total train wreck (even more so than it already is) and I have no desire to actually do him harm. I figure since I voiced my displeasure about doing that, perhaps he'll be a little more appreciative that I do. Probably wishful thinking, but I'm not ready for WWIII. He doesn't seem to look at me as the enemy anymore, so why become one??
There is no one size fits all and the only ones who can really determine if what we are doing, helping or not, is the right thing to do in our sitch is us.
I do agree with Job, however, that if the sitch becomes stagnant with no movement, then it's time to change something. But only you, Bright, can really know when that time is right.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
I constantly think about this enabling thing though… I think I just have to naturally come to the point when I would not want to do this anymore. This would mean that I would be completely DONE. No way back.
^^^This is how I see it.
We have to be true to ourselves, be ourselves. That may mean doing things for a wayward spouse longer than someone else would. You never want to withhold for desired effect. The time to pull back will come naturally, if it ever does. And yes, it very likely would mean we are done.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Job, thanks for the feedback. I’m not upset or frustrated with your postings. I just wanted to know how my sitch is different. I know that it’s been longer than most sitches here, and this is probably why I don’t get much response anymore. As I mentioned multiple times I feel like my sitch has been so slow that people are just tired of repeating the same things over and over and are not actually paying much attention to the details.
I actually do think that there has been more communication with H recently, and he is using more excuses to remind about himself. And I’ve replying to all his e-mails and texts to see if this would lead somewhere. But, I understand that it is still a bit slow.
Job, if you feel like you need to step away from my sitch, I will understand that. I would still love to “hear” your opinion, but it is your choice to post or not. You have been one of my most loyal supporters through all of this and will always appreciate this.
2T, same here, sometimes it is in my best interest to do things for H. Plus, he’s been pretty appreciative for all the things I do for him recently.
FY, thanks. I needed to hear this, that some of us would do things for a MLCer (I think wayward means something different and it comes with the nasty behavior) spouse longer than others. Like I said before, sometimes I envy people who can just move from one R to another within a short period of time. And I definitely don’t want to stop doing things just to see if it shakes him up. I just don’t have much energy or motivation for this right now. I might be in a similar boat with H, not making any changes, because it is just comfortable for me to keep the things the way they are.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Small update. First, for GAL. Had a happy hour on Friday at work. Went to my sister’s yesterday. And today I was invited for a BBQ at my neighbor’s for her B-day (this is a neighbor and a friend who went with me to the vacation home place last time and who I can still talk to about my sitch and not being pressures on any action.)
H has been in more contact via texts and e-mails. I sent him an e-mail with the attachment of the letter from the condo mortgage company where they are threatening to not take any more payments, because we didn’t pay the full amount on the last one (like H instructed me I paid the “old” amount, disregarding the inflated escrow.) I also asked him what he wanted to do about the taxes this year.
Got an e-mail back from him… He gladly decided to do the joint taxes this year again. And he vented about the mortgage (he actually said, that he was “just venting”.) So, I’m going to validate his “venting” regarding the mortgage. His texts are also coming at some odd times… Like after 10 pm my time… I don’t remember when I got his texts this late at night, especially after the BD. He would either text me before that, or wait for the next day. Not sure if he feels more at ease with me, or he does it deliberately… I kind of feel that he wants to remind about himself more these days.
I’m going to a car dealership tomorrow. I need a new car. Mine is 15 years old and I need to replace it before I spend any more money on the repairs. It will be the first time in my life when I will go car shopping on my own.
Then, on Thursday, I’m going to the vacation home. This time I can stay at the condo and I’m not taking anyone with me, just my dog. I’m looking forward to the relaxing time and walks on the beach. The condo might look completely different, as H did some re-painting and re-decorating, but I don’t care. To me it is a free rental, where I still should have my stuff, like some clothes, dog stuff, etc… I will see if it is still there… I assume it is… judging from H’s comments…
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright, I'm glad you had a nice weekend. What type of car are you looking at? There are some good sales going on right now and I'm sure you'll find a nice car in no time at all.
I do hope that you enjoy your time away next weekend. Sometimes we need to get away by ourselves to just recharge those batteries and relax a bit.
Good luck on the car shopping.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi job, thanks for stopping by! I contemplated a lot a car I want to buy… I’ve been set on Audi for a few years now. I have a 2001 Passat, V6, and I love it. I still like the car, the interior, the seats, the drive (even though it has been deteriorating recently). But, this car has almost 148,000 miles on it. I t already cost me about $1,000 in repairs last year, and who knows what else can go wrong. I was told 2 years ago that the transmission was going bad and was about to give in... I drove 2 more years after I was told that I needed to replace the transmission. I just don’t want to take any risks any longer….
So, I was looking for a used Audi (that came from a lease)… My GF’s brother works at the dealership, and she told me that he could give me a great deal. I went there tonight… He gave me a few deals on the used cars, and also told me that the best deal was for the new 2016 car… because they need to get rid of them in anticipation of the 2017 models. I was not considering this, but… he really gives me a great deal… I’m almost convinced… It is more than I wanted to spend on a car… But, I think I deserve it (I do have 2 Masters Degrees after all)… and I can afford it (sort of, considering the financing)… And it could be the best present for my 50th B-day! (Am I having a midlife crisis myself???) IDK… I could never dream that I would be able to afford an Audi… And here I am… And I don’t even need H for this… I can do it on my own!
So… I need to make a decision the next couple of days to get that deal I was offered… I’m very excited regardless of what I decide to do, new or used!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
If you can get a good deal on a 2016, I would go for it...that is if you can afford it. Yes, they are trying to sell the 2016's to make room for the 2017's. Audi is a good car and I think you would love it. At least w/a new car you will know that you are the first owner and just think...new car smell. I love that smell!
You've done a lot on your own and you can do this too!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
