This is What's up

[Rick1963]

"Hey get back in the saddle" really pisses my off...lol

Sorry G jk..

He is a nice guy but if he can't meet your needs than you did the right thing for you and the baby. I really think us LBS do more for others than for ourselves.. Always trying to please others..my experience made me a bit more selfish/self centered. So weird to put myselfs need ahead of others. On Wednesday I told my passive/aggressive boss that I had applied for a job in my county. I had no choice cause the CEOS have an aggrement to tell each other when one of their staff applies to a sister agency. I felt nothing about telling her.. she was beside herself. It would cut my commute by 50 miles.

You do what is right for you even if it hurts you or others...

You are worth everything you ask for ok....

[Ginger1]

Hi Rick!I spit out my coffee when I finally got the horse joke:)Applying for a job that is more convienient to you and a very good and necessary selfishness. Selfishness is a healthy thing, as long as you aren't hurting others consistently. I wish you luck in getting the job. I know all you commute and the toll it can take on you. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed!

I do really see how us LBS do more for others. For me, it was something leftover from childhood, trying to get my mom to love me and blah, blah, blah. I carried it into ex when my life was falling apart, and the thought of losing him as horrible as he treated me, was too much to bear, so I sacrificed myself and my dignity to keep him there, because then I would have no one.

I did that in a few half R's post D. It became an awful disrespectful habit to myself. The funny thing is, a part of the reason I didn't let it happen this time, was because I really did love this one. And if we were really going to have a future, it had to be based on him actually wanting one with me, not because I was so darned accommodating and nice that he would "feel bad" letting me go. I also know, like you said, staying with him being so unsure and confused and going hot and cold would have not been good for the little one. She was already so attached after a short period of time. She brings up some memories occasionaly now, but I sat on this toy he bought her by accident that laughs when you press it and I made a joke that I was "laughing my a$$ off" (I thought it was funny) and she got upset, grabbed it and said " this is very special to me" It was like a tie to him she was still holding onto to. I couldn't let them get any closer without knowing we had a future.

So, just a journal, because my feelings are a mess. I did a little better after talking with a mutual friend and going to IC. This weekend has been rough and full of tears. I'ts me myself and I this weekend, which I initially looked forward to some time to myself. My best friend came over Friday night and we hung out and laughed and drank some wine and ordered some pizza. Much needed. She said she was proud of me for not reaching out, but most people seem surprised he hasn't reached out to me. I told him not to, but some of my friends still had the hope he would realized he lost something great, and want to get it back. Well, that isn't happened. I struggle with that right now. Was everything a lie? I wish people could I am realizing they were just words, because he ran for the hills when it came time to give and grow our R. So I am struggling with what was true and what wasn't.

Being alone, I am generally ok with. It is a reality of my life. All my weekends aren't that happy family time most people my age with kids my age have. I can spend a weekend completely alone from time to time. It just gave me too much time to think this weekend. I did go to the mall and buy myself a pair of red high heels:)I took a free yoga class taught by a new instructor at my studio, and I went to get some of my favorite Syrian food take out. I live. But my heart is heavy as can be. Today is school work and a little more shopping and making a nice homemade dinner for myself. But again, my stupid heart is heavy.

I am DBing again, I realize. Crap, Much better at it this time, though. I want so badly to reach out and tell him I am sad and angry and let him know I feel. But I know it won't make me feel any better. Probably more upset because nothing will change. So I stay silent, except for some pics I sent his from our vacy last night. Only of him and his D, and some sunsets, nothing else. I sent the ones with all of us right after vacay.

Life goes on.....

[Ginger1]

So, I realize I am depressed. Yup, back at that again. I wake up in the morning looking forward to bed, but dreading bed, because then the morning comes. I go to my boring job I do everyday which I am thankful to have, but boring and not what I intended to do with my nursing degree. The days are long. I go pick up D8, I make dinner, clean up, we spend some time together, she goes to bed, then low and behold, I'm alone again. I do some schoolwork, watch Netflix, then go to bed because I am lonely and bored. I can't get out of the house for obvious reasons, but if I could, I would take a nighttime yoga class. Yoga soothes me and challenges me at the same time. I do spend some time with friends, but even though I'm engaged, that happy feeling deep inside isn't there. I've been shopping and eating chocolate to try to find that "rush" which isn't quite working. Can't afford to get fat and broke, so I'm going to stop it. Funny thing is, going through my routine was not affecting me the way it is now when I wasn't alone. Even if I was alone during the week, mentally, I wasn't so alone. All I ever wanted was a regular life with someone by my side because the right person by your side makes those things great.

However, I realize my situation is what it is, and I am working on overcoming it. Going to try to fit some more workouts in. I would love to join a group, take a cooking/painting/dancing class, but I can't commit to a weekly schedule because I have no one to watch D8. I guess I feel kind of trapped and alone sometimes.

I'm going to try some volunteer work. Maybe on the weekends I don't have her. Just something to pump me up again. I feel like my doing good for mankind is gone since I'm not a "real" nurse anymore.

I'll know I'm feeling better when I start to enjoy sushi again. That's honestly the point when I realized I was depressed. I couldn't eat my favorite food in the whole world.

[whatisis]

grief has it's stages and depression is certainly one of them. It's hard when you've allowed someone into your heart and life and then it doesn't work out. They become a big part of your life and thinking and then...poof, gone. It's an empty place...but it does get better. You will rise again

[Ginger1]

Thanks WII. That's exactly it. I feel like I'm being an overly sensitive baby, but it's the first time I gave my heart away since ex many moons ago. I had some real hope, and now I feel like everything was a lie. It's just depressing.

Yesterday looked up a little. Had some pleasant happenings. First time I didn't cry before I went to bed in weeks. Slowly but surely I'll get myself back. I've got a lot of great people in my life who help me get through. I just feel so dumb for taking this so hard. But I haven't been truly in the game since ex. And we all know how I took that one........lol

[Underdog]

Ginger,

I think I was more depressed about the breakup with my long term guy after my D than I was about my D. I know that sounds crazy, but I, too, put a lot of hope there and felt like it was a lot more cruel than losing my marriage of 14 years. I know that doesn't make sense...

Once I got through the depths of sadness, I realized how much I had given myself away so quickly. My D22 wasn't willing to like anyone I dated, but she was neutral with him and when we broke up, she could see how damn sad I was - and she didn't like that at all. It took me quite awhile to move through. I had a very close friend (who I met here) who catapulted herself into my life (and my girls), and her chipper attitude and ability to see through all the crap just made it a whole lot easier to get through. It wasn't long before she had me laughing again. I'm sure if I liked sushi, she would have been the one to tell me to like it again.

Lean on your friends. Since I've met a few of them, they sure seem like the kind of friends who will pick you up.

Love you, girl!

[BeginningAgain]

Hi G!

First of all I'm very sorry things did work out with the BF. I know it doesn't make you feel any better, but it is much better to have figured all this out sooner rather than later and good for you for standing up for your needs. Life is much too short to spend time valuing someone who doesn't equally value you back.

I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and I know that there is a perfect fit for you out there and he will come into your life when you least expect it.

I don't know if you remember or not, but about 3 years ago I had my heartbroken by the person (Marianne) I had been dating for several months. I thought she was going to be my forever. We had everything in common, interests, kids same age, etc. I really thought we were perfect for each other. Well the universe knew differently, because 8 months after that relationship ended, it dropped a woman (now my fiancé) into my life that is light years better for me (and I am better for her) than Marianne ever could have been. We respect and love each other equally which is so important in a relationship.

One day you too will meet the man who loves and values you just as much as you love and value him. It's only a matter of time!

Best,
BA

[Ginger1]

I really thank you guys for sharing your experiences with me. As yo all know, I live in a perpetual state of "what's WRONG with me". I think there is something wrong with me when an R ends, or something is wrong with me when I get depressed, or when I take a while to deal with something, like this breakup. I needed this reminder that nothing is WRONG with me. I need to focus on what's RIGHT with me. I am so very lucky that I have friends to help me do that. And maybe that's what shook me a bit through all of this. NG would always say "there is nothing I don't like about you. What more could I ask for?" Probably said that up until almost the end. So when he chose to let me walk away instead of trying ot do his part in making it work, I was left shaking my head. What IS wrong with me? Well, nothing. Except the fact I keep asking myself that question!!! I admittedly cared for him more than the ex. It was on a different level. I'm just babbling here......But yeah, the love and respect completely needs to mutual. And not just words. Actions.

I do remember, BA, you took it hard with Marianne and had a period of hopelessness in finding someone. And you and your wonderful fiancé found eachother and you blended your families together. It will happen one of these days, I know.

Time to gather up my self worth. You guys really did help me that, thank you!

[RosaLinda]

NG would always say "there is nothing I don't like about you. What more could I ask for?" Probably said that up until almost the end. So when he chose to let me walk away instead of trying ot do his part in making it work, I was left shaking my head. What IS wrong with me? Well, nothing.

Correct, give that girl some sushi. You're asking the wrong question here girlfriend - the correct question is what the F is wrong with NG? Plenty, apparently.

Love you!

[Underdog]

Sounds like NG is carrying some baggage that needs to be addressed. Ginger, be happy you learned this about him, because this is the kind of stuff you really don't want down the road. And just maybe, Your own Mike Brady is right around the corner. When you're ready for him and he for you.