New to Site - Just found about another

[coffee_]

Trying to reach 100 posts
Detaching is going well, she is wondering what the heck is going on with me.
Last night in bed she placed her leg across me, it felt nice to just "be" I miss her so much and this is the hardest thing I have had to do. This morning I find myself waiting for her to contact me, but really trying to ignore those feelings. Tough though. She still wants to act like nothing happened, which is fine but the detach method will help me to do the same until she comes completely clean.

[sandi2]

When nothing has been resolved about the affair, I see her kissing you, saying ILY, or touching you in bed as her way of taking your relationship temperure. We call it temp checks. In other words, if she sees you caving to her suggestive touches, then she knows she is in control of the relationship. She is assured that she still has you emotionally. She is not worried that her bad behavior has sent you packing. She is not concerned that you find her unattractive and her behavior disgusting. She knows she holds you in the palm of her hand.

Actually, IMHO, when a W has had an affair, she should be very concerned that her wayward actions has caused her to lose her H. How much do you think your WW is worried about losing you? If all she has to do is throw a leg over you or give you a kiss......and then everything is pretty much back to the way it was before the A, she will not respect or value the MR and will continue cheating on her H.

After you confronted her about this 8-10 year affair, she admitted it. Did she apologize? Was she sorry for hurting you? Did she say it would stop immediately?

Was this the same man she has been seeing for 8-10 years? And, did I understand you correctly that she has tried to have three other affairs?

If she is a serial cheater, living in a MR with her will be extremely challenging. If she has been able to have affairs without any consequences for her actions, then she will continue doing it. Is this the first time she has ever been confronted about her unfaithful activity?

If she is a serial cheater, what would mean enough to her to cause her to stop? Has she ever sought therapy for her behavior? Did you do something to stop the other affairs? What is different this time?

[coffee_]

Sandi,
I really don't have the whole story. Did she spill the beans, no. But indicated that it did happen and fears telling me about the A and details because it will always be "bigger in my head than it actually was". I have no confirmation that something is going on currently, just a gut feeling that made me start searching, which turned up some stuff from 7-8 years ago.
After I confronted her and she indicated that there was some truth to my suspicions, which took about 4 days to come to that conclusion, she did apologize, in an email the next morning that stated " I am sorry and I do love you" during the same conversation we established that we both care to keep the MR.
I really don't have all the answers but here is the history.

10 years ago I found some inappropriate emails to a guy in another state, planning a fantasy rendezvous. She was also hanging around another single guy with a couple of babys the same age as our son. I confronted her, and told the two guys to back off. End of story I think.

A bit after that I found a nasty text on her phone. She played it off as nothing. But it turns out this happened around the same time as what I have just recently uncovered, it was in the 08-09 years. This is what I believe to be one but maybe two guys. She thinks I only know of one right now.

A year ago I discovered some FB messages, to two different guys. One guy doesn't live anywhere near us, but the texts to him where in the fashion of, I miss you and when are you coming home. The message to the other guy, who does live here, and is someone she worked with in the past was a bit more disturbing. She had a work conference in D.C and the message was basically inviting him to come to D.C. for the weekend. He has access to cheap plane tickets. I confronted her, and we began to work on our MR. I wish I would have found this site back then.

Recently she has been very busy with her ailing father, but something in my gut was telling that her time away was not being spent as she has been indicating. She also showed up with a gift on her birthday, when I asked where it came from she said she won it at work. I called bullpucky on that. She retracted and told me that she stole them from a lost and found type deal.

So about a week after her Bday she heads to a work conference. The night she left I started seaking, I had a feeling that maybe she would be enjoying the company of someone else during her work conference. The conference was legit. So after I found the stuff the night she left, I drove 3 hours to her conference to confront her. She didn't come clean then but she knew that I knew. Before I left I was able to get into her room and found some lingere, and a boque of flowers, I asked her about that and she explained it away, but that night and well into the next day there was radio silence, no contact from her. I know what was going on, it hurts so much.

This was last week, we have been talking, sleeping in the same bed etc. Agreed on counseling. But she is acting like nothing happened and going about her life like not big deal. My work is failing, my mental state is completely bazzerk! Before I confronted her I made an apt to see a conseler for myself. I saw him yesterday and it helped to get this stuff including all of the other life stuff off my chest. Yesterday I asked her if she where to start a conversation about this when would she do it and how would she go about it. She was very defensive and said that she was very busy at work and probably not when I had a bunch of work to do. She apologized immediatly after that, but has yet to bring it up again. In an email today (which I havent responded to) she said
"How are you feeling?
What are you wanting/needing from me?
I don't want you to feel like I never want to talk about hard stuff...it's just difficult to begin sometimes."

I will respond in a couple of hours, but will use the detached method.

Just baby steps I guess, I want it fixed ASAP so I can move on but know it won't happen this way.

[sandi2]

How does she normally interact with men? Let's say at party, does she get flirty? Does she thrive on the attention of other men? Take their compliments too seriously? Does she dress a little provocative?

How does she look at open marriages and affairs of other couples? Is your W a Christian? Not that it would prevent this behavior, but just wondering if it is a matter of loose morals or if something drives her to seek out other men.

I hope you will be very careful about having sex with her. Know what I mean?

[coffee_]

Sandy,
She worked at a job with only women and was miserable. She changed jobs and that is when, what I believe to be soon after when she started another.
Not a big party gal, she parties but at home mostly. I am racking my brain here. She has always kind of seeks attention (casual) attention from men, yes. I wouldn't say she gets flirty in front of me. She dresses not provocative, conservative but very very nice, always done up, rarely wears jeans.
She is a Christian, so her views of open marriages are that of sin. She is opposed.

I will be careful having sex with her, that is shut down for quite some time.

[coffee_]

In my honest opinion it is her drunk delinquent Father that drives her to do this. Of course there have been problems and I am no angel. I have never been unfaithful but I have said some pretty mean and hurtful things during arguments, usually after I have over undulged drinking alcohol. One of my 180's has been to quit drinking, it would be no good for me right now, I feel like it could slip into a problem if I drink, plus I need to keep a clear head at this time.

[coffee_]

I have a question? Now that I am detaching, moving on with or without her... I think we still have a conversation coming. The ball is in her court right now as far as talking about the A (A's) Do I have that conversation?

If so I thought if she starts it I need to tell her this:
What I need from you right now is to be completely honest with me, you have nothing to lose, I am moving on with or without you. I need to know that if you are having an A currently that it has to stop now. You told me that you where willing to do whatever it takes to make this marriage work. Think long and hard about your answers and confession, I don't even want to hear it now, I can be patient..for only so long though.
Then leave it at that?

[TimR]

Coffee good for you recognizing a potential problem with drinking. You do not want to add to the issues you are dealing with right now. Have you demanded complete transparency? Have you suggested having only one FB account for the both of you? Remember transparency works both ways.

As far as mean things said, I suffered from that as well. I would let our problems build until I would burst. I also said some mean hurtful things, however, words are words and what the WW does is action. BTW I bet if you think back on it she probably has said just as many mean hurtful things. It does not make it right that we said them but shows also that we did not run out and cheat either. So do not beat yourself up about it.

Work on yourself and do not make any decisions out of emotion. I wish you the best of luck!

[coffee_]

Thanks Tim.
No I haven't demanded transparency, this is new (less than a week). The last time I tried to talk to her she pushed way back. That was two days ago, so I went dark and detached, working on GAL. It is going well she has contacted me twice today and I have not responded. SO HARD NOT TO! AHHGGGHH but when I do it will be short and not much info.
She emailed 4 hours ago, and texted about a half hour ago. In an hour or so I will text back with a simple, oh yeah I did get your email, I have been busy at work catching up.
Also going to a work retirement party tonight, will be hard not to drink but I won't.

[sandi2]

You may need to know that if she could bypass talking about it, she will. B/c it is much nicer for her if she sees the two of you picking up where you left off. Sweeping it under the rug doesn't work, but a lot of couples do it. Then later, they are right back into the same situation.

I suggest you give her little time to bring it up, and if she doesn't then you need to tell her that since she's willing to work on the MR, this is what you need from her. Don't misunderstand, you have your part of the work, but if she's been unfaithful, she is the one who needs to earn your trust and to be transparent about her activities. She will need to prove herself, and it is possible through transparency.

Transparency is when the unfaithful spouse accounts for her time, her emails and text messages by giving the faithful spouse full access whenever he chooses to look. He gives no warning as to his checking (b/c she will delete messages) and she never knows when he will look b/c it's not routine. She has no rights to any so-called privacy. The only reason a W would protest is b/c she has something to hide.

Transparency is to help her withdraw from the OM. If she works with him, it has to stop. All contact has to abruptly end. There is no tapering off an affair, and no "closure". No contact whatsoever is needed. She will have withdrawals, just as if it were any other addiction. Staying transparent will aid her in staying on the straight & narrow. It also helps you, obviously. It is a joint agreement, and if she won't do it.......then assume she is not cutting off contact with OM. She can whine and complain that you are treating her like a prisoner or trying to control her, but the bottom line is if she is earnest about saving the M, she'll do this. Otherwise, she is playing you for a fool. She might even agree and in the beginning and plan to keep everything deleted, but she will get careless when she sees you haven't checked in a while......and then the truth comes out.

You are the one calling the shots here, not her. And please know that you cannot trust her at this time. She is very vulnerable to increasing contact with the OM and may try to take an affair deeper underground. Which simply means she gets more creative at hiding it.