Feeling lost

[broke]

Sounds like the DB'ing has been helping you. I am glad to hear that but sorry that the MC isn't going well. Hopefully, detaching will continue to give you confidence for the future for you and whatever relationship you are in (with or without your W).

[srt]

Thanks, yes I personally feel better now I'm going down the DB route, since I know it will help me if it all ends, and will also show her what she is going to lose.

MC is not really going bad, just stalled, but tbh it never really was moving as W was not interested in "trying". We'll see if that changes in the future or not.

[srt]

Well I'm still here, trying to detach as much as I can (harder doing than saying) and generally getting on a bit better.

I am finding it hard and I'm consciously trying not to be cold when talking, the difference between not asking or delving deeper when in conversation versus being a blank wall is kinda hard for me.

Wife is still complimenting me on appearance/clothes/housekeeping etc etc. Not sure how to handle this, I've just been saying thank you.
Don't know if I should be repaying the compliment or not???
I have been invited over to help with the kids, which was unexpected but good to see them more.

[sandi2]

I have passed around this copy, so you may have already seen it on another thread. It explains DBing detachment, and maybe it will clarify a little better for you. A lot of newcomers misunderstand what detaching is all about, so I hope this will help.


Below is a description of DBing detaching. Read it carefully b/c it will help you understand that detaching is not so much about the physical pulling away as it is other things.

*****************************************************

Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)

I. Detachment

Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.

When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.

When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’

It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.

We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).

We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)


PART II Detachment (found around here)

Detachment is the:

* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.

* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.

* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.

* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.

* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.

* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.

* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.

* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.

* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).

* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.

* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.

* Ability to allow S to be who he/she "really is" rather than who I "want him/her to be."

IF & WHEN THESE ^^^ FACTORS ARE ADDRESSED, -

We could have a great friendship, or a great marriage. And those are treasures.

[srt]

still unsure about this one below - can anyone advise?

"Wife is still complimenting me on appearance/clothes/housekeeping etc etc. Not sure how to handle this, I've just been saying thank you.
Don't know if I should be repaying the compliment or not???"

[Zephyr]

Compliments are fine when they are warrented AND if you have no alterior motive.

Would you tell your neighbor thank you very much or that was so very thoughtful, if they cooked you a meal...or woukd you just say thanks and leave it at that? Use the neighborly kindness as a blueprint...

Also do not take the compliments from her as anything more right now either...again if you did something nice for your neighbor, you would have no expectation over any thank you back, correct?

[Vanilla]

I would validate and say thanks

Acknowledge the compliment

That's a lovely thing to say thank you.

That's enough of a repayment.

My thoughts

V

[srt]

Thanks to all for the previous replies.
Been finding the last few days quite difficult, but, I've not let up with the DBing so I haven't instigated contact or done anything clingy.

The GAL is going ok but struggling with the anger I have towards the W now. I never let it show or spill over when we are together but how do other members deal with this?

[albac]

Srt,
I am going through very much the same as you. One minute I think I am in control DBing and doing ok. The next minute she does or says something that just makes me angry at her. It just bounces back and forward so far though every time I have felt anger I have not shown it. I have just given it time to register in my mind I think it through and I have always been able to be polite and objective without showing anger or going the other way and looking needy or pursuing.

Basically I just tell myself that she is probably looking for a reaction and she is not herself at the moment and that gets me through. That's just how I am dealing with it but I am very new here. Maybe some of the vets have other ideas for you.

[sandi2]

Are you and W currently living in separate houses? Are you financing any of her expenses?

Yes, I would say you have a wayward wife.