We cannot predict the future, and I shouldn't even tell you this, really, but I just have this feeling if your W comes out of what she is doing and seriously does the work to make herself whole, odds are pretty good you will find yourself in a new healthy relationship. While your work has certainly paid off for yourself, and for your son, relationship-wise, it is really going to pay off for you. Maybe not in a R with your W, but in an R with a wonderful healthy woman. Maybe not something your are into thinking about now, because you are still building your life and dealing with the current sitch (wonderfully, might I add) but it's another perspective. The portion of work done for the meaning of healthy relationships will not go wasted. Maybe this is your path.
I think you are quite a catch, and I have never met you. I can only hope to meet a great father with such dedication to his family. And I know there are many woman who would appreciate that and nurture it the way it deserves to be.
What you said isn't non-DB. It's what we all hope for when they enter crisis. What you said came from the heart and will mean a lot to not only Cali, but the other readers.
It's true, none of us know what the future may hold. Some may reconcile and go on to have healthy new marriages and others may have healthy relationships that may end up being really good friends w/o the marriage licenses. All we can do is work on us and pray for the lost souls.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I did the work .. she didn’t, she still chose to destroy it all after I gave her a chance, that’s on her .. not me .. I did all I could and now I look forward to getting myself all prepared for life after this tragedy.
You always amaze me Cali. It's tough I know but you always handle it with grace and respect.
It is on them. Like you W mine will need to jump through hoops, move mountains and walk on water.
Hope everything goes your way and you find peace.
Irish
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
You staple on the right side??? I Wonder what that means? A rebel? A jokester? I will look into that
You sound good. Please don't hesitate to wonder if you are doing the right thing. No doubt you are. How is the place coming along? Are you feeling more settled? I can just remember that feeling of freedom from H spin once he left. It seemed S and I both fell right into a peaceful happy place pretty quickly. I hope you do too.
I pity the day your W sees OM for the dirtbag he is, and realizes what she blew. It may be a while, but something tells me right now is your time to just take care of you. You will get back to that place where you truly just enjoy being on your own. Its time to heal. Praying for you Cali.
I am on an ACTUAL computer so I can use this cool quote option .. lol
I think she knows OM is a POS, she always did .. but love is love and I will never understand it. But you are right .. now is the time for me. I fully accept this and have been awkwardly at peace with it. When/if she ever does wake up I am not so sure I would personally want to face reality .. she may go right back to sleep.
The place is small ... but its home, and things are close .. so I do not spend much time running around. I struggle with really loving to cook, and then there is so much food .. so I have focused on cooking stuff I can freeze and keep, so far its been working out .. I am on a serious One-Pot Dutch Oven trip ... as my FB buddies say "One day I will make an amazing wife"
We cannot predict the future, and I shouldn't even tell you this, really, but I just have this feeling if your W comes out of what she is doing and seriously does the work to make herself whole, odds are pretty good you will find yourself in a new healthy relationship. While your work has certainly paid off for yourself, and for your son, relationship-wise, it is really going to pay off for you. Maybe not in a R with your W, but in an R with a wonderful healthy woman. Maybe not something your are into thinking about now, because you are still building your life and dealing with the current sitch (wonderfully, might I add) but it's another perspective. The portion of work done for the meaning of healthy relationships will not go wasted. Maybe this is your path.
I think you are quite a catch, and I have never met you. I can only hope to meet a great father with such dedication to his family. And I know there are many woman who would appreciate that and nurture it the way it deserves to be.
Ginger thank you for the very nice comment. I am really not sure if she will ever wake ... and if she does at this point I am not sure I would ever get back into the Crazy-Train again. I have thought about it here and there ... not much but yeah premeditating what I might say/do to certain temp checking/anchor pulls she has done through this ordeal. Honestly ... I would need to see her alone for a good amount of time, I realized she has NEVER been alone, one guy to the next, then came me ... she swings from tree to tree always having a backup, RED FLAG ... I see it for how unhealthy it truly is now.
As far as a R with anyone .. W included ... yeah I have some wounds to lick, and will have for some time. I am not even thinking about it ... sure its a lonely life but at the moment I am just trying to stay my course and see where this journey ends up taking me.
I did the work .. she didn’t, she still chose to destroy it all after I gave her a chance, that’s on her .. not me .. I did all I could and now I look forward to getting myself all prepared for life after this tragedy.
You always amaze me Cali. It's tough I know but you always handle it with grace and respect.
It is on them. Like you W mine will need to jump through hoops, move mountains and walk on water.
Hope everything goes your way and you find peace.
Irish
Oh you only see my good side ... lol, trust me I have been on a ride on the bike and screamed like a hyper-tourette lunatic at times ... I think we all need to just let loose some times with this insane situation none of us asked for.
But yeah, there is a relief knowing I have that boundary reset .. and NOTHING will sway me from the non-negotiables ... I want nothing to do with W at present, she is just simply not a good person atm ... I pray for her, pray she will learn the lessons she was meant to learn from this, but I do not find myself praying for the M, I gave it to God and what will be will be.
So Mediation like I said went well ... I recieved an email yesterday about the joint session .. 2 hours and the availible dates . Mar 28, 29, or April 1st. I politely replied within 20 minutes that I was open to the first 2 dates ... but April Fools is not something I felt would be proper .. I actually love that day and have pulled pranks every year, she has yet to ruin that holiday for me and I was not going to allow it here either. Later in the day I get a reply from the Mediators ... W wants to push this meeting back towards the end of the month ... WTF? She was all set and ready to get this over with now its being strung out, smh .. seems typical. So that date arrives when it arrives.
Hi Cali, You seem to be doing well. I've always thought that your w is with the skanky om because on some level that's what she feels she deserves/who she really is. Just my $.02 ... glad you are in your own space and moving forward. Not what I would have wished for you, but loving your PMA xoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Cali - You are amazing and strong and a heck of a good dad. Reading your posts over the long haul you've been working hard to stay true to all the people that you love. You have much to be proud of and maybe now you don't have to stop loving your wife completely but perhaps you just need to love yourself more? That's ok to put yourself first and surrendering to a situation is not giving up hope that your STBX will find the strength to return to the best version of herself. It takes a lot of faith and love to let go and let God. Sometimes it is easier to focus on them relentlessly so we don't have to focus on ourselves.
Anyway you've got lots to look forward to in life. You're moving forward in a way that your son will respect and will leave room for lots of love, laughter and adventure. Peace my friend.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
I have as usual been reading along a few of your sitches but have not felt the urge to really post much … I think I am at that point there is not a whole lot to update but I still feel the need to keep adding to this story for some reason, maybe I have a hard time letting go even of this .. lol.
Well just to bring this up to present. W had told mediators she needs to push the joint sessions out, turns out she finally landed a FT job at the company she was contract at and does not want to take off all the time she had been over the past few months. Least that’s the answer I was given when I confronted her about dragging out the D. I have felt a shift in myself and no longer want the limbo I have been in for the past 2-3 years … and in a strange way I feel she needs the divorce … maybe we both do. I still have the gut feel one day she will bottom out and regret all this damage, no idea where I will be at that time but I am not longer in the ‘save my M’ camp .. as I have moved to my own where its focused on healing, removing the drama, and just trying to become a better person from all this realizing there was a reason … one I do not understand at this point but I know deep down this had to happen exactly this way.
I have been very dark with W, she will tm about the dog, S, bills … I reply here and there but a good deal I just ignore as there is typically no reply required from me as far as I am concerned. When she comes over to pick up S I just send him out … I do not really care to see her. When I pick him up its very brief .. I might get a few pieces of mail but no more talks/hugs like last time, nor do I see this changing as its me being very short with her. The other night S was speaking with her and she told him she was sad … little sobs here and there but she told S she would be alright. I found myself actually pleased there was a hint of sadness … the over the top happy super mom stuff was a touch irritating and I know its just a front. I have not seen her much but the times I have she looks good one time, like crap the next … the new clothes phase is back it appears, as is the selfish stuff … she missed S’s baseball game, which she explained to him she wanted to run errands so they would have more time together Sunday. S really does not care if she is there or not so that’s the bright side of it, the other silver lining was I didn’t care much either.
A little side note. I took S out GeoCaching (Its like a scavenger hunt where you use GPS to locate hidden items, outdoors/hiking/active to get him out of the house and off the technology) … something we enjoy and its been ‘our’ thing through this MLC-mess. I will say the R between he and I is amazing, something I can at least look at with all this and chalk it up as a positive. So we are out looking for our Cache … beautiful day, having fun, grabbing our walking sticks which Mother Nature always provides. So S askes me “Dad .. what is a Ho?” Caught me off-guard, I am VERY careful not to speak about W … especially this way. I of course described the garden tool … which he said .. “No the other kind, I asked mom but she wouldn’t tell me” So I told him it’s a bad name that is used typically for a girl who messes around with several boys/guys … by messes .. kisses, hugs, flirts … I tried to be as PC as I could without lying to him. I made sure he knew its not a nice thing to say, nor accuse anyone of and how people sometimes do that even though its not true. He then asked me “Is Mom a Ho?” …. Ugh!!!!! This lead to a serious sit down talk. Thankfully I had just heard a Podcast, one I have been listening to for a few weeks to help me with all things Divorce. I sat S down and told him I did not think W was a Ho, I do not agree with what she has done/is doing but she is an adult and adults make their own decisions/choices. I also shifted the conversation a bit thanks to the Podcast, I told S he is 50% W and 50% me, thankfully he took the best from the both of us, making him 95% good and 5% a pain in my ass .. which created such a wonderful belly laugh and really seemed to put him at ease. I told him seriously he is the best of us both, I tossed in that 5% because of how I am and my sense of humor… just to get him to see how good he is and how this sitch should not make him question that. The Podcast hit on this … if we bash the MLCr our children do the math .. if the LBS is good and the MLCr is all bad that makes them 50% bad and 50% good …. Not a good thing for the kids right? Food for thought I felt the need to share.
Not much more really, I am expecting the D to drag out for months, if not all this year by the sounds/advice that I am getting .. if it ever really happens. Again, I gave her to God , accepted my M is over and have come to peace with that… I did all I could to this point. I still pray for W, I pray she figures herself out regardless is she ends up with OM, alone, S deserves a mother who is not sick with this MLC stuff. Last night a good buddy called me up, we talked for about an hour mostly about his xW and the divorce he went through. He asked me … knowing the entire story … the “what If” question about W realizing what she did and wanting the M again … I honestly told him as much as I would like that and prayed for it over the past couple years, I am not so sure W would do what I would need her to do, we would have to date again … I would need total .. talking TOTAL transparency plus I would like to know how that list of everything wrong with me plays into a new relationship .. those words and things said .. while at the time I disregarded them as MLC cray talk … they were said and they are issues. I just do nto see that ever happening, like I told him .. my W died in a MLC-car crash and I am haunted by her ghost, looks just like her but the woman I loved and trusted is gone.
