My first post - please be nice.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

I think this is a waste of TIME and money, she IS cheating, whether it is with another person or not.
Infidelity does not have to have another person involved,
although it usually ends up that there is one.

So what are you going to change with this knowledge that she is cheating?

Cadet, my friend, it makes all the difference in the world. It changes EVERYTHING.

Instead of lamenting his failures to buy her Valentine's Day presents and not love her exactly how she deserved to be loved, he can instead begin to address honestly the biggest obstacle to reconciliation of his marriage...the affair.

Instead of sitting back and using his "gift of time" while his wife destroys her life; he can use the time he has remaining before she is lost to her sin to try to battle evil.

Collin is a Christian. As a Christian husband he is ONE with his wife. Her sins have consequences for him too. He is responsible for her and must hold her accountable for her sins. She may not like that. She'll probably get really angry but their marriage can survive her anger....an ongoing ever deeming illicit secret love affair is harder to overcome than some anger. It's his duty as a Christian. He needs to have his priorities in order...God, Marriage, Family, Church, Country. If and when he discoveries her affair...his first order of business is to confront her privately. If she refuses to stop, then he should be talking to their pastor. The the pastor (and he) should meet with her alone to discuss her behavior and where to go from there biblically.

Collin...I really feel for you. It's the most painful thing in the world to finally realize your wife is cheating on you. It's also incredibly isolating to have no idea what to do or say and become paralyzed by the overwhelming predicament. Please seek the help and guidance of persons in your real life with the experience to handle and advise in this situation. Most likely your pastor as marriage counselors are generally worthless when it comes to infidelity. Also keep posting here while using some discernment about the advice since it's a public discussion forum where anyone can share their ideas - good or bad.

[CWOL]

I don't want to get involved in the snooping vs. not snooping because that is your call. I snooped on my H and didn't find much.

I know DB discourages snooping, but I think you need to know for yourself the real reason that your wife is leaving you. I know for me it helped me understand what happened and act accordingly. Without the true reason would have had me spinning my wheels continuously.

[broke]

I wish I lived in NC, too!

[collin]

it's nice here. ya'll come on down.

[collin]

Bulldog,

As a Christian husband he is ONE with his wife.

Ironically, a couple years ago, on our anniversary, we went and got Matthew 19:6 tattoos.

(So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.)

Well...if she is cheating...some man is separating it...

Go figure...

[broke]

The snooping didn't help or hurt my situation. In my head, I knew he was cheating, but my heart didn't want to accept it anyway. I even hired a PI for a day and he didn't catch my H either. When my H was caught, he didn't stop, which is what I would've hoped would've happened. I have no idea if they are still together or not. After a month of knowing about it, I finally called the OW's H to let him know it was going on. I sent the OW texts to tell her H or I would and I asked both the OW and my H to end it. They didn't so I felt the OW's H needed to know. That goes against DB'ing as well and it caused my H to file for D and buy himself his very own house. So, each person needs to decide what they can live with because there will be consequences. I wanted to know - I tried to snoop. I thought it would make me know that my M couldn't be saved because I thought infidelity was a deal breaker for me. I was wrong - I still would work on my M if my H wanted to. So knowing didn't help me get over H and it didn't make him stop and come home.

[CWOL]

Cadet, my friend, it makes all the difference in the world. It changes EVERYTHING.

I think Sandi's post on Wayward Wives makes a big distinction between WW and WAW. It changes your whole approach to your M, and how to address the problems you are having.

However, I don't think Georgia's reliance on Christianity and guilt of sinning is going to do much for a WW. She already knows she is sinning. Hammering her on the head about it is not going to change her mind about it, she is sinning because of her emotions. Exposing to the church may make her angry but not sure how it will modify her behavior in the long run.

[broke]

Agree with CWOL - We had a woman facilitator at divorce care whose H was cheating on her. They were both devout Christians. He told her that he and the OW prayed about it and they knew it was God's plan for them to be together. No matter what - there will be a justification for the A. Doesn't matter if you are Christian or not - they are not thinking logically at all…..only emotionally.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

Collin,

I don't want to get involved in the snooping vs. not snooping because that is your call. I snooped on my H and didn't find much. However, I wanted to tell you that I believed my H when he said he wasn't cheating. I confronted him 3x about a particular co-worker and he denied every time. Of course, he had already started the PA with her before the bomb drop "ILYBINILWY". My head knew it was happening and my heart didn't want to accept it….that is probably where you are at right now. I sincerely hope that all of us are wrong and she is just having an mlc though. It is truly devastating when it is confirmed - I was physically ill. Good luck

I wish you would get involved in the debate because you are a great case study in why finding out the truth once and for all independently from simply asking and trusting your "separating spouse" is so important. I'm not looking to trigger you but think back to all those days and nights you were trying to say and do just the right thing to understand and change your situation. Think back to having to sit there and explain to your children how their mother and father still love them and each other but are just going to separate for awhile and hopefully not divorce. How if you'd only known the truth you would have handled things so much differently and not just let your ex-husband ease himself gently out of your life while you were forced to beg and watch appeasing his delusions at every turn while being lied to to your face.

That's not to mention the torture of knowing but not knowing.

I hope you aren't keeping his secrets anymore and your children know the truth about their father and his paramour....lest they end up walking in his footsteps. Family secrets have a way of repeating themselves generationally.

Another reason you should be a proponent of Collin (and all BS's) simply investigating and ascertaining whether their spouse is or is not cheating is due to the fact you probably still don't know the full extent of what happened. Sure you busted him eventually...but it's not like he told you everything (or if he says he did...that you believe him). The best time to get the full honest truth about your spouses infidelity is doing so yourself with some good spy gadgets WHILE IT'S ACTUALLY HAPPENING. Again...snooping forever where you are trying to monitor the affair is counterproductive. I'm not advocating that. Just hurry up and bust them and then fight for your marriage honestly.

Finally....some spouse divorce simply because the wayward doesn't think the betrayed spouse would ever forgive them if they knew the truth and/or they know that recovery without the truth is impossible and they refuse to disclose their secret. Simply busting the secret affair and dealing with the situation at hand (because deny all you want the situation is what it is) makes the chances of recovery 10, 20....100 times more likely.

Collin's wife may very well be keeping it a secret because her love interest is married too. She's maybe more scared he will get busted (and end the affair) versus concern for herself.

[1313]

I think Sandi's post on Wayward Wives makes a big distinction between WW and WAW. It changes your whole approach to your M, and how to address the problems you are having.

However, I don't think Georgia's reliance on Christianity and guilt of sinning is going to do much for a WW. She already knows she is sinning. Hammering her on the head about it is not going to change her mind about it, she is sinning because of her emotions. Exposing to the church may make her angry but not sure how it will modify her behavior in the long run.

As Sandi says: "No matter what her values and spiritual beliefs have been in the past, and regardless of the high standard of morals she held, they have temporarily vanished. For how, nobody knows."

Same with my W. I was the one she was trying to save for the longest time. Suddenly, she stopped going to Church. I didn't press it - but it seemed curious.

Her parents said that it had something to do with a disagreement over the firing of the pastor. But now I know this was all part of the process she was going through to turn her back on everything.

I can't believe that another person could be worth that.

I do believe that Sandi had recommended telling the Church, but don't take my word for it - that could have been somebody else here. I recommend reading every one of Sandi2's threads over and over. I'm about to read them again as you're going to be overwhelmed with information. I've not told my Church, but I'm about ready to if for no other reason than they can pray for her. My IL's might have beaten me to it though.

BTW, I'm in total agreement with everybody else regarding an A. We've all heard the same thing - it's like they're all working from the same script.

Best of luck collin, we're all pulling for you.