Baby steps

[Ginger1]

Painter, you have tried and have forgiven what most could not find it in their heart to forgive.

Your emotional well-being is number one. I am sure this was a very hard decision to come to and it was one you did not take lightly at all.

You may be the WAS right now, but it does not put you in your H's category.

Zeus, the covenant of marriage is so much more than staying married no matter what. I bet if you ask Painter, it's not so much that her needs aren't getting met. It's the unwillingness of her partner to even TRY to compromise and work as a partnership, which a marriage is, to meet those needs.

Painter, I'm sorry it ended this way for you. But you fought the good fight and are now taking care of your own emotional well-being by getting off that roller coaster. That's a very brave thing to do.

[Painter]

Hi Ghost,

I'm curious what you saw as controlling in my post?

I am not trying to control anyone, and my focus is very much on myself and my own future, which I'm actually very excited about (but don't post much about), whether it involves H or nobody or someone else (and that feels actually very secondary to me right now). My post above was in response to Ju to share my thoughs of why I don't think H is truly committed or has the right mindset for a lasting R. And I'm okay with that. He is who he is.

The challenge now is to maintain an amicable cooperation through the process.

[Painter]

Ginger, thank you for your kind words and support.

I said a year ago that I couldn't give up on my M until I felt I had left no stone unturned, and now I've run out of stones. I'm very much at piece with the decision.

You said something very insightful:

I bet if you ask Painter, it's not so much that her needs aren't getting met. It's the unwillingness of her partner to even TRY to compromise and work as a partnership, which a marriage is, to meet those needs.

It's very right. H's unwillingness to do anything that he doesn't feel the spontaneous urge to do on his own tells me he's a fair weather H and any changes will be temporary. I don't feel resentful, it's just not something I can base my trust and future on. It also tells me there's no point in waiting it out because he's not going to change his basic philosophy about relationships.

We say an A is like an addiction. Well, addicts may relapse. The door has been opened, they know what's behind it and if the going gets touch, someone with high self-gratification impulse may feel drawn in there again.

[ATPeace]

Hi painter

Just to clarify I was not saying you were controlling I was purely saying that in any relationship you can only control your own feelings I guess I used to think I could control my partner but I cannot everyone has their own thoughts and feelings

I was controlling in my marrage I did not realise it but I was I was not saying you were

Hugs
Ghost

[Painter]

Ah, okay - thanks for the clarification. I was curious if you saw something I didn't see in my post.

I've probably been controlling, too - I think sometimes marriages come together when we look for certain traits in each other to balance out our own, but then we start to dislike it. I know for instance that my H initially loved that I was capable and could take care of things, because it freed him up from having to deal with many problems. Then he got resentful because he felt I was managing things too much and he didn't have enough say.

On the other hand, I liked his laid-back and relaxed attitude, but then felt he become irresponsible and selfish.

[Painter]

Frustrated today. H has been acting very, very nice for the last few days. I am looking at places to live that I can afford if I get a second job I'm hoping for, because I know Dr Jekyll is just here for a visit. We have openly been discussing the practicalities of a separation, very amicably.

H found out today that he may lose his job. That would make things financially impossible, plus it would send him into an emotional tailspin that he would take out on me (went through this 5 years ago, that was actually the beginning of the end and when he started the friendship with OW). He will find out for sure later in the month. I dread the next few weeks, because I expect him to be yelling and ranting about how I need to find a well-paid, full time job (he already started on the phone).

Unfortunately, I moved very far to marry H, and my skills didn't translate well to this area, plus it's now been many years since I last worked in my field. I stayed home for years to take care of the children and elderly MIL. I have kept my skills fairly updated, but it's hard to demonstrate that to a potential employer. I was lucky to get the part time job I have now, and I can tell that my mental and physical condition makes me less capable than I used to be.

I will pray very hard for H not to be one of the ones to let go... He is the latest hire, but has some unique skills that may protect him.

[Painter]

Another update:

I have found a place I want to move to. Originally, I wanted H to move, but many factors make it easier/better for me to move. There are things that bother me about it (it feels like it's just being made too easy and convenient for H), but I have to look at the big picture. After initially feeling excited about looking at places and planning (trying to focus on the positives), I hit a wall today and feel very sad and defeated. I went to church but ended up feeling worse - like a total failure.

Next, it's about getting the financial situation figured out. I need another part-time job and we need to find out in two weeks if H gets to keep his job. So far, they don't seem to think he's is at risk.

We have agreed on a fair financial solutions for cash flow. We're not taking legal steps towards a formal S or D yet, I think. H will be supporting me.

H has been raging a bit, but not much at me, mostly at other situations. Today, he suddenly had an angry outburst at something and I went hot and cold with fear because I thought it was something I had done. As I try to imagine a life without H, I'm becoming more aware of the emotions I feel when I'm around him.

H still wants us to live like married while preparing to separate. He says a lot of different things that seem contradictory about it, and I told him I just can't - I have to detach emotionally in order to not hurt so much while going through with this. Every time we're together, I have to deal with the disappointment that it doesn't mean he wants to work on the M.

He says he understands, but continues to approach me. He hugs me and touches me more than before. I told him that if he wants to not S after all, I'm happy to give the M another try - but I need more than a fleeting feeling from him, an impulse that may not last more than a day or a weekend. He has to make a decision and a commitment. He doesn't give me that, and consistently pulls away when I say that. He says he thinks 'that we both need space'.

He doesn't understand why I want to stay for a year in the area, why I don't just move right away 1000 miles away to be with family. He is talking about how I could find a good job there (much better job market for me), and then he could also move there after a while if we decide to not split for good. I think it sounds really unlikely that we would ever decide to get back together if I'm that far away.

To me, this is about transitioning at a pace I'm comfortable with. I have ties here after many years, and friends I want to lean on in this situation. I could see moving in a year, but not until I am a little further along emotionally.

For those who read this and wonder if it is worth it to try to work on their M like I have done for almost 2 years if it's just going to end in an S/D anyway, I would say emphatically yes. I am at a completely different place emotionally now than I was when I first found out about the A. H is also much more present in a way that makes me think the A is over. I think it's really hitting him now what's happening, he's grieving and going through his own process. This is much, much less hurtful than when he was in the middle of the A fog and just threw me to the side. We can work on this as friends, without all the bitterness and anger I felt before. We're actually communicating better now than ever before.

Of course I'm upset and sad, but I feel that H and I are in this together and are actually supporting each other, instead of feeling completely alone and deserted, while thinking about him and OW enjoying themselves.

[roist]

You have been strong.You still are. Good luck going forward.

After your rolkercoaster ride you deserve peace and happiness.I hope you find them.

Regarding H, he will no longer have a hiding place.You are moving out of the holding pattern. The next move is his. Don't expect him to suddenly change and give you what you need. Move forward for you, but it could happen.

Happy thoughts

[Painter]

Thank you, Roiste.

Tonight, this all feels surreal and silly. I look around in the home I created and wonder how I can leave it. The majority has been built from my ideas and plans - there are unique features I created that the builders had never done before. It was H's house before I moved in, but nobody would be able to recognize it if they hadn't been here since then. I put a lot of myself into this house, at the peak of my life. I feel broken and drained and old, can't imagine doing a fraction of all the stuff I used to ever again.

I'm questioning my decision to move out. I know H feels we both need space, and he seems to have just as much doubt about our future together as I have. My doubts are mostly due to his doubts, though. He keeps saying, if I just would stop picking on him (which is his word for 'disagreeing').

It has been difficult to handle that since we started talking about me moving out, he started showing the affection that I was missing so badly. He said 'the pressure was off'. And he said he hasn't stopped trying.

I am thoroughly confused, but hope I will feel better and stronger tomorrow. Nothing has actually changed, I'm just experiencing a moment of weakness.

[JujuB]

don't have any advise, but I am impressed by your strength and growth. Sounds like you dropped the rope, and you are now truly focusing on you and your needs.

Very interesting comments from husband.