I hesitated to start a thread and post about this for many reasons, but you guys have been there for me before with some good advice and I know many of you are navigating the same waters as I am.
I last posted about the break up, which actually bounced back and forth for 2 weeks, neither of us wanted to completely let go. Last Thursday, we had a 3 hour conversation which ended in me saying either he has to commit to making this work and incorporate himself into my life a little, or we need to go our separate ways. I gave him the weekend, he didn't really want to deal with it as he is very conflict avoidant. In the end he said he doesn't like ultimatums, he is in a selfish phase and he cannot give me what I need right now. Maybe in a month, maybe in a year, maybe in 5, he just doesn't know. I explained I need to cut off all contact, because I'll never move on. He wanted to still stay connected. I explained it was not to punish him,it was because I would not be able to move on. And I will not be just a place of comfort when he gets lonely. I am worth the full deal.
I have been going through all the emotions. Anger, heartbreak, sadness. I really stink at breakups. The truth is I loved him and I let myself see a future. His words and actions were all over the place. He told me there is not one person he has ever enjoyed spending more time with, I am different, I am special, he liked everything about me, could not concentrate at work because I was all he thought of.
I understand he needs to walk his path. He is going through a bit of an MLC. He might regret being with me without being alone for a while. But I am all sorts of hurt. Part of me honestly wanted to reach out and tell him I would just take what he was willing to give me. That's what he wanted, but I couldn't do it to myself. Another part of me wishes he would show up at my door and tell me he made mistake and he wants to make it work. These are my raw honest feelings and I know it isn't going either way. D8 was super sad and she said she loved him. She cried for his D6. It was very upsetting. But I know unless he was 100% in, I couldn't let them get any closer.
Any ways, I am in the obsessing and crying stage. Hopefully I will exit that stage soon. All I want to do is sleep, and that's not an option for me, luckily. Else it's probably what I would do for a little while. My life is crazy hectic right now and I'm just trying to get in a pattern with everything going on.
While this is happening my cousin who hasn't spoken to me in two months texts me with "so, I'm guessing from FB, you and your man are over?" My cousin and I have had a very volatile sister like R since we were kids. She gets off on my misery and has always been not one to walk in someone elses shoes and has always been jealous in my friendships. She goes off on me over text. She wants to be close to me and get ready......... wants us to go to counseling to get to the root of our issues. For the love of God, as if I don't have enough going on! Couples counseling with my cousin????I am ok with keeping her at a safe distance. Our kids can play, we can get together, but she wants to be very close to me and is jealous of my friendships and wants us to be that way. I can't have anymore energy drainers too close. I have no energy left! D and I are going out to dinner with her and the fam then going back to her house to "talk". I really don't want to talk. It's the same stuff every time. My emotional energy is just completely depleted lately.
So, yeah, I have been stressed, sad and in a poopy place. I'm doing the work to get myself out of it. It's tough with everything going on. The gym is my outlet, but getting there with work, school, and D8 and her school and activities, my weekly dentist appts, it happens maybe once a week, and I suffer when I take the time for myself. But there is a desperate need for self care right now. Emotional and physical. I had a nervous breakdown on the phone with my dad and he offered to come out next week and watch D8 so I can go to yoga or get a massage.
I feel a little better letting that out. I just finally found love after 8 years and it was not the right time for him. Everything was from us to the kids went as one can only imagine, but there is commitment and work that needed to be done and its just not a time in his life for that. This one is going to take a while. but as always, I'll be ok and a tad stronger in the end.
If you made it to the end of this craziness, I thank you,
Ginger, I'm very sorry how things worked out w/the ng, but you are right...you deserve everything and not just a few kibbles here and there. If he can't commit, then it's time to cut the ties and move on. I do understand how you are feeling right now, but there are far more fish in the sea and the right one for you will come along when you least expect it. Don't settle for just a few kibbles, you settle for the whole enchilada. You owe that to yourself.
As for your cousin, be careful. Sounds like she wants to control the situation and you. She sounds like a very insecure lady who wants you and only you as a friend. I can't even begin to see counseling for the two of you. In fact, she should be seeing someone on her own to try to figure out why she's so jealous of you.
I hope things go well at the dinner and if the discussion gets heated, cut the discussion short and leave...don't continue to try to reason w/her because you can't. You already know this drill from dealing w/the xh.
How is that beautiful D of yours? I imagine she's growing by leaps and bounds.
The only two people you need to worry about right now are you and your darling D. As for the cousin...be polite or should I civil and don't engage w/her too much. I know you've got this...but you have enough on your plate and I don't want to see you down and out sick because of too much going on in your life.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Part of me honestly wanted to reach out and tell him I would just take what he was willing to give me. That's what he wanted, but I couldn't do it to myself.
Ginger, I have thought about you since you last posted. Right now I'm doing exactly this, taking what he's giving, which isn't what I ultimately want. He's not the first to fall short, he's the first I've kept anyway. I admire your strength.
I didn't have any trouble following you to the end and finishing your post.
I just want to say that your post is emotionally healthy. While I wish I were there to hug you through the sadness, what you want is fair to you, and he told you that he can't/won't give it to you. I'm so proud of you for standing up for yourself and letting him know your boundaries. It's not an ultimatum. You weren't manipulating him. You asked, he said no, and you drew your line in the sand. Emotionally healthy discussion, and not surprising consequence when you do the right thing.
I know your D8 is hurt. I think the right kind of attention will help soothe her hurt. After all, she knows how hurt you are. You'll get through it with time and effort.
My gym schedule ended when D22 needed a chauffeur. I'm not a good role model for you. But just getting out and walking or roller blading or riding bikes with your D8 might go a long way in making you feel like you're doing something that is good for you.
I love your dad. He's the best. Your cousin sounds like a complete nut job. WTF?
Hugs,
Big Sis
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Job- thank you. It took me a long time in my life to realize I was worth the whole enchilada. I went through the phase of asking myself what is wrong with me, why aren't I worth it to him? I have realized I am worth it to me, and I cannot let his decision define my self worth. D8 is doing good, she is still as sassy as ever, but overall a happy kid, doing well in school and enjoying life. I do have to put us first, and a part of my decision not to accept any less than what I asked for was for us. If things didn't work out with him all in, that would have been ok. If things didn't work out and we all got closer but he wasn't in it, I wouldn't be ok with that.
Cadet- sticking to my boundaries is proving to be difficult, but I am doing it. Mindreading, but from what he says it seems like he wants to be with me, but has this other part tugging at him mind he has to do his own thing for a while. It wouldn't be something I want him to regret not doing down the road.
Sunny- leading up to this, I was doing exactly what you were doing, taking what he was giving but I saw it as a relaxing and seeing how it develops. Things were good, I was really enjoying myself. But the more I enjoyed myself, the more I wanted to bring him into my life as well I was brought into his. I loved being a part of his, and I wanted him to be a part of mine. I wanted effort and I wanted to feel like I was worth it. When that wasn't happening, I became unsettled. I do believe you will know when that will happe for you. It's a feeling you really can't ignore.
Bets- I feel so emotionally unhealthy right now with all the crying, lol. But I know what I did was the the emotionally healthy thing. And perhaps what he did was the emotionally healthy thing for him where he is at in his life. It sure is hard to be a single parent working full time and incorporating some time for the gym. I've done ok, until my school started. My dad IS great. I would like for the day to come in his life where he stops worrying about me so much. He wants my life settled as much as I do.
It's weird being in a place where I know what I want. I missed out on the other things I wanted, like maybe getting married again and having another child. That ship has sailed for me. I'll be 36 in June and no, I do not want to start all over with a newborn at 40. But really what I want is simple. A life with a guy who I connect with well, enjoy spending time with, and just do the mundane things in life with together. I had that for a brief period, and it was honestly magical. Better than anything I could have imagined.
As far as my cousin, our dinenr went fine, it was nice to see the cousins play again. They had a ball. We didn't get to deep, she did ask what happened with NG, I told the story. I am good not rehashing our childhood and our relationship and just spending some time together. I just don't feel the need to get so close and personal. She does because she doesn't have many close friends, just one who lives like 2 hours away.
We shall see how things go. Just taking them day by day now. Beautiful day here. I actually got the house clean this morning and D8's friend is coming over for a playdate. I've got schoolwork to do, and they play nicely and let me work. Thing I'm going to grill some lunch for all of us.
Thank you all for reading and responding. I'm glad I posted, it helped a lot.
I wanted effort and I wanted to feel like I was worth it. When that wasn't happening, I became unsettled.
He may be a Love Avoidant - this is what typically happens with them. They fear being "engulfed" in a relationship. They may come on enthusiastically at the very start, but quickly subside to only giving you what they are in the mood to give - which may be much less often than what you want.
A Love Avoidant friend of mine once explained to me why he wouldn't call a girl for a date on Friday night until Friday day - he felt that if he called Monday to make a date for Friday, it was like he had a dentist appointment hanging over his head all week. He was fine with it if he called Friday and she wasn't available - but he didn't want to commit to a date in advance in case he didn't feel like it when the day came.
Love Avoidants do this and other distancing behaviors because they fear being engulfed; it doesn't mean that they don't enjoy your company, but frankly, a Love Avoidant guy is never going to be what you want in a relationship without him getting serious therapy - which most of them do not pursue.
Love addicts sometimes end up with Love Avoidants, because the addict will pursue and accept crumbs. I dated several LOve Avoidants after my divorce, although I definitely don't have love addict tendencies. I think I just was comfortable with unavailable guys for a while after my divorce as I wasn't quite ready for a full relationship yet.
Now I have a guy who is not avoidant at all - he calls me every morning, we make plans in advance to see each other, he participates with my family, he's all in and it's nice. You deserve that too.
BTW, I even gave an article on Love Avoidants to a guy I had stopped dating because of his love avoidant behaviors. He read it and agreed it fit him to a tee, and he wanted to try dating again - but absolutely nothing changed so I stopped seeing him again.
oh G, you are such a loving woman, and have so much to give. Ellie's explanation that NG might be love avoidant makes a lot of sense, because I know NG loves you, and just could not understand why he refused to allow himself to make that commitment to you.
And Job is right - you deserve the whole enchilada, not just some random crumbs whenever he feels like scattering some in your direction. Be prepared for him to start pursuing you again once he realizes you are serious about breaking up unless he can be all in, remember that old pursuit and distance dance? Stick to your guns, hon. You deserve someone who will cherish you, and I am convinced there's a nice guy out there who will do just that.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
That is very interesting because he kind of followed that pattern. I think is love avoidant at this time because he is very afraid of repeating past patterns. But he was very open about his feelings with me said the "ILY's" and pulled back when he almost asked me to move in with him. He got scared of repeating that pattern.
Linda, Your kind words always warm my heart. I do actually believe he loved me. Terrified of it, though. Maybe terrified of losing himself again. And he hasn't found himself since the last R. Well, we are broken up since last week. I told him I couldn't have contact if we weren't together. So it's been a painful week.
Talking to my bestie last night, she asked if I actually miss HIM or just the companionship. I realized what is different this time compared to my other half-relationships. I miss HIM. Sure, I miss the companionship, but it is HIS companionship I miss. But I'll just have to get over it. I can't make him want to commit to us. maybe there is someone out there for me, maybe not. I just have to get back to being right with myself. I am very sad, the life kind of got sucked out of me with this one. But I am spending more time with friends and family again. it was nice this weekend. This week I am making corned beef and cabbage and having my friend and her family over. I do have a life, and great people in it, and I do intend on living it. Maybe someone will want to share a little of my life with me:) maybe not.
It's been very therapeutic to talk this out. I feel like I might be a little obsessive with it, but honestly, it's all that's been on my mind this week. From the second I wake up, and even in my dreams, unfortunately. I'm going to really start the process of moving on. I know it was a short R, but I thought this one the one, and I don't take that lightly.
