Pink- I was thinking that is what I should do but I needed that extra confirmation to JUST GO on my own. I'm excited and kinda of scared. I don't know why. I have never taken the kids to something this big before on my own. I really am excited. They have horse back riding, face painting, bounce houses, food, tons of strawberry things, music, games etc.
Usually my GAL with them is the park, gym or a friends house. Small things. I want to do BIG things now like SEAWORLD or DISNEY on my own. It makes me sweat thinking of going somewhere like that alone with them but I really want to.
Quote:
Wonka wrote this to Raine sometime ago: Do what works, if it is not resonate with you as the right thing, then it is probably what you need to be doing.
I like this. I will save this as one of the things to remember in my phone. I have a list of random quotes, sayings, info I keep on a list for days when I need it.
Eat lettuce not ice cream. Deal! Except Monday. Mama is bringing home strawberries and making my nanny's famous strawberry shortcake recipe so I can take it to D5 school on monday for the teachers..and me.
-_- woke up to a text from H saying he is coming over this morning to grab something(he did not say what) and visit kids before school. He gets off work ay 6am and it is 6:20. I really don't want to roll out of bed this early to get good looking before he shows up.
I know how you feel about taking the kids places on your own. I went through that very feeling. I still do to some degree. My kids are just a little older then yours.
The way it worked for me is I would visit the places on my own first to get a feel for the place, then I would take the kids, have in my mind that if things go bad with them I can leave at any time. I had no expectations of how long we would be there. If kids listened then it would be longer. if not I would leave right then, right there. I have left groceries stores and left the cart in the isle because the kids were not behaving.
I would stay away from crowded places at first, go to open parks and outside playgrounds. Its easier to keep an eye on them and it builds up a expectation for the kids, If they do well you tell them that and then let them know that if they can behave well like that, you can take them to more places like it.
keep up the good work, keep posting.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
That is a REALLY good idea. I feel like with our kids being close in age you know what it is like to take them places at times. I will try your idea today, today we are going to a NEW park that is about 20 minutes away that is 3x the size of the one by my house. It looks so cool. I will tell them if they can listen and be good then Sunday we can try something new( the big strawberry festival!)
Red - you are so strong, I know you can do the activities with the kids. I love Vise's idea of leaving when it becomes overwhelming and plan, plan, plan ahead (lots of snacks in the stroller!). I love that you want to do that - also, what about seeing if there are playgroups at churches nearby? You may meet some other moms that would want to do stuff like that occasionally too….it makes it a little less daunting with 2 adults (even if the kids outnumber you!).
I say look your best for you at this point….you are rocking a 100 lb weight loss, girl. Get out of that bed and look good for YOU! If he drools because he is missing out, that is his problem. Right now, it is about YOU and your confidence. Stay strong when he is there….remember your boundaries.
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
That's a good way to start. That way if they are not listening at this new park you leave right away. No big loss and it sets the standard for the strawberry festival.
You want them to really behave at the festival as I imagine you want to be there too. I would NOT tell them that if they are good at the new park that they will go to the festival. Reason is because if they are acting up, then you have to follow through with the no festival consequence.
Save the good feed back for when they are good after being at the new park. This way if they are not good then you can leave right away with them crying asking to stay and no big loss. After that I am sure they will remember that at the strawberry festival.
well you get the idea, good luck
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
-_- woke up to a text from H saying he is coming over this morning to grab something(he did not say what) and visit kids before school. He gets off work ay 6am and it is 6:20. I really don't want to roll out of bed this early to get good looking before he shows up.
This is not how it works. You have to establish boundaries. People who are on your team can come and go as they please. He doesn't want to be on the team so he ASKS before he comes over like any non-team member of yours would have to do. He has to realize that his actions have consequences and he loses unrestricted access to the family if he can't live by the family's rules.
Vise and Broke gave really good ideas for handling the kids. I was always kind of a single mom. My XH used to travel a lot. The way it worked for me was really a good communication.
Working as a team always worked well. Till today my kids are like that. It was always about agreeing what to do and always keep an eye on each other.
My kids learned very early their full name, address and phone number. It can be overwhelming at first, but the more you do, the more they get use to it.
I agree with Tx, at first your H would come and go, but now you know there is an A going on. I really believe that at some point you two need to develop some kind of schedule with the kids.
It's not even about you and your looks anymore. This is not good for the kids that he just pop up when he feels like. They may not show now, but this can create deep wounds that will show up when they are teenagers.
Just because they are very young does not mean they are not internalizing all what is going on around them. And I know, it is asking one more thing for you to take care after. It's very unfair, I sometimes feel the same way.
Why should be me to think about all this. But, it is what it is for now and you are the only adult that can take care after then. You potato head H does not even realize what he is doing for his own kids.
You know some of his schedule, so put a plan on a paper and ask him to look over and talk to you if he needs to change anything. You will not ask for his permission, or his approval on this. You need to tell him this is the right thing for your kids.
This is not going to play against you. It will be a boundary that needs to be respected and this is also part of the DB process. Like Tx said, he is the one that checked out of the team, he needs to find out about the consequences.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
This is what happened: I got a text saying "I have to pick something from the house and I want to see the kids when I get off work today." Sent at like 3 am.
I woke up around 6:20 and saw it..and was like crap. 6:40-Hey are you awake? (H) Yes (Me) Is it okay if I come over? (H) Sure (Me)
I was already up(kids got up extra early today too) and getting ready so I figured he could come see the kids and get whatever he needed. He has been better at not popping in anymore especially since I found out about his A.
He came in, used the bathroom. I was already up, looked decent, had my bed made, kids were up etc. I had the door shut of my room, and he came into the room. I got my shirt and walked out and went into the bathroom when he came into the bedroom. Went along my way. Got kids dressed, got breakfast ready,(honestly forgot about him for like 30 minutes while I was doing our morning routine.)
Went to the bathroom which is next to my room.He had laid across the bed and fell asleep with his feet hanging off the side of the bed.
I didn't say anything, just went back to doing my own thing. He woke up, used the bathroom again, s3 gave him one of the muffins I made for them for breakfast, and he sat on the couch. He was like "I'm really tired I'm going to go." I was on the computer in the game room and just said Okay. He stood by the door for 2-3 minutes until I came up to lock it behind him. He just stared at me for what seemed like forever, then asked is I was still giving him the kids at 11:30 tomorrow. I said yes. He stood there for 2-3 extra minutes and then moved out of the door frame so I could shut it. I just said drive safe and locked the door.
I really didn't talk to him besides 2-3 sentences and he slept for like an hour. He didn't visit the kids AND he didn't take anything with him. It was WEIRD.
I do know his schedule hands down for the next year. It has been the same for 2 years. The only thing that varies every week is the mandatory overtime.
Whenever we have to pick which days he has the kids he has to do it like the day before he has them because he doesn't know when he will have overtime until a day before. I told him 3 weeks ago I need the 17th off. I don't NEED it but want it off. We will see what he does. If he doesn't give me it off and is willing to work with me then I am BUYING him a calendar and putting in the days I want him to have the kids.
Then he can't give me a hard time. Honestly even now he can't give me a hard time for wanting a set schedule. Should I print a calendar and give it to him TOMORROW with the rest of the month and days I would like him to have the kids?
Is it mean if I pick his best days off for the kids which means less OW time? Like if he has them Sunday, he works Monday so he will have to sleep all monday after he gives them to me vs if he is with her he can spend all sunday, and monday morning with her. Am I being a B*tch for wanting to mess it up? Maybe every other good day off? What do you guys think?
