Inevitable always happens

[keefa]

Had a real eureka moment last night. Heating now connected again and I have warmth ! I have food in the house. My pooch lying (snoring) next to me. Seeing my boys at the weekend. Am killing it at work. Am running 5k under 30 mins. Rugby is on this weekend, I've been asked out for a curry tomorrow and I am not sure I care that much that ex is on the dating sites..odd feeling.
My then was not my forever. My now is not my forever.
The pain of losing my wife is still extraordinarily strong, but I am learning to deal with it in a way that I feel I am truly GAL and not just faking it.
Has anyone else got to this point ? I know I will have more downs, loosing the house is the next biggie but I have faith in myself at the moment. I feel a bit guilty for feeling like this ? Shouldn't I be sad still, am I moving on to fast ? Have I or am I dealing with my emotions fully ? Or am I just getting better at GAL ? Just wanted to share this. If I were asked 5 weeks ago, I'd have told anyone I was done and would never get over this, now I think...you know what, I might just be ok...I might even smile today !

[Thornton]

Don't feel guilty at all, Keefa!

Codependents frequently feel this way when they start to take care of themselves. They feel guilty for feeling detached. I feel the same way. It's so backwards.

You are still on the roller coaster so you can still expect down days, but fear them, because you are gaining new tools and will be able to cope much better.

Smile away, my man!

[Thornton]

**but don't fear them

[rich4j]

Has anyone else got to this point ?

Yes. Keefa...I am there

I have my ups and downs but with my sitch being in the same house going thru the D has made life toxic and our interactions

It has brought to life some of the things of why I ran for cover and recoiled during our tougher times.

I now look forward to getting out of here and the weekends and doing things that have no relationship to the relationship and people she knew and what we did togther. And to having my own place

Just haven't had the daughter talk yet until we are settled on what this looks like
Keep up the GAL'ing !

[broke]

Keefa,

I don't think you should feel guilty. The way I look at it is if you can look yourself (and kids) in the eye and say you feel comfortable with how you handled yourself and did everything you felt you could to save your R, then you should feel free. I am sure you will continue to have your highs and lows, but, hopefully the lows will be fewer and not as low. I look forward to being there with you some day…..keep us posted. I hope you feeling truly detached continues and you feel "free".

[CWOL]

Keefa,
Hang in there, you will pull through. You are a few weeks ahead of me in the WW curve, be strong! I've started to experience a lot of the ugliness you faced already.

PS: The timeline in your sig confuses me a bit, you're using European date convention right? Do you mean: W,S5 S9 moved out 5/2/16

[keefa]

Thanks CWOL, Adjusted my sig too. oops.
Its been a month since she moved out. It has been weird to say the least. The manner in which she did it was underhand, deceitful, purposely hurtful and quite brutal.
I kinda liken the feeling i have now to the very rare times in the past where the boys and my then wife had gone out to say a party and they didn't arrive home at the time I thought they would, house to myself, not ever being concerned as such as boys leaving parties always takes time finding shoes etc
but that period of quiet when it was approaching when they should be home is how it feels now and how its felt this last month, a funny sort of expecting feeling, to hear her car come up the drive and the door to bang open like only kids can do.
The ugliness is starting to fade a little for me, I am pretty sure stbx had put in max effort to shield herself from me telling her friends etc about her affair. She has no family, and the friends she has are fairly new i.e since school started. They are mostly gossip hunters and all of course experts in relationships. She also wanted (and tried without my knowledge) to put the house up for sale to release the cash immediately. My L has said 'well, we'll just see about that' and this has also caused her to become uglier. I'm no longer bothered and don't really care what she says or does. I don't really worry if her superficial friends know the truth or not. I'm too busy GAL :o)

[TimR]

Hey Keefa, yeah the ugliness is one of the worst symptoms of the WW. Seems its the same no matter what side of the pond you are on and the script must have been translated to more languages than the Bible. From my experience if you do not allow WW to walk all over you, however she wants and whenever she wants she will try and find the one thing that she believes can best get at you and use it to hurt you.

Sorry you are going through this, but I am right there with you and my WW as well as 1313's are really, really, ugly.

[CWOL]

Have you figured out if there's an OM involved? In my WW's case, he's the one that was coaching her moves and instigated this whole disaster. When I confronted her about her EA, she immediately launched into the WW script of we can be friends, I fell out of love, let's not make this ugly, etc. I know DB discourages exposure, but in my case I think I did the right thing to set the record straight with our friends and family.

My WW is not a confident person. She second guesses herself about everything. It takes her half an hour to write a thank you note, and she wants me to proofread it! She has a lawyer just like yours, who likes to run up the bills, run to court for every little thing. It's terrible.

My WW questions every little thing I do, even though it is in everyone's best interest (except the lawyers, of course) to minimize the L bills. She is being spoon-fed bad legal advice and I explained to her, in the end it will cost her assets as well, which ends up being our son's college fund. She doesn't have a good understanding of the legal or financial system so she questions and doubts everything I say.

I am still hoping for reconciliation but it is very hard to see your former best friend scheming against you constantly. I am sure you know what I mean!

I've had sleepless nights ever since D-day. I have questioned everything about myself and my life just like you have. Hang in there and we will get through this!

[keefa]

Yep almost identical !
Yes there was OM but I guess that's blown out now as she is on dating websites. I honestly think about it during the day but it bothers me about as much as a nettle sting.
Yep had the we can be friends. She was shocked when we sat in our one and only mediation session back in August (she wouldn't go to any more as it was made clear she wasn't going to get the D all her own way) she speculated on spending the next few Christmases as a family on Christmas day and how we can all be friends.
I looked at her straight and asked her if she would be ok if I brought my girlfriend too as I imagined in 14 or 15 months time that it would be likely i'd have met someone. She was shocked. It made me realize she just couldn't see what was happening all around her. I don't think she can even now.
She was also not that confident except in the small circle she has found herself in comprised of pure gossip mongers and school gate politics. Its made her popular to her face but talked about. These are people we (she) chose NOT to socialise with for some years but now they are best friends. Odd.
I had a meeting with the head mistress at the school after i attended a parents evening and described that I was being denied access. The head and the boys teachers were shocked I referred to her affair as they had only had just one story of course. I never intentionally went for exposure but I did act to put a stop to slander. I think she was scared about her reputation and what i would do to expose it all but I've done nothing. As you say, former best friend. The person I see now is nothing like the person I knew. My L however is an incredible man, wise, calm, and keeps me grounded. He has his sights on the bigger picture, ie custody and finances.He is always calm, doesn't rise to the other L's games and doesn't let me get involved in pettiness which is a real blessing. I remain Calm, polite, professional and courteous, always on time, always do what I say I will do. This is for me and my boys and no one else.
I've no doubt stbxw will regret things in the future but she has arrogance in abundance and that will see her through to her new life and not let her imagine for a second that she has done anything wrong.