Rednail: Dropping the rope

[Rednail]

Today was..something.

Here is what was SUPPOSE to happen.
H comes to house and watch s3 at 8:30. I would drop d5 to school then go to my school,run errands, grab d5 and go home. H would leave at noon.

Did not happen like that at all.

H came and when I was going to leave said he wanted to go drop d5 off with me and s3 to school. IN FRONT of the kids so d5 was happy daddy was coming with us. I was like umm ok? So we all hope in my car and I drive us to school. We all walk in( I carry my sicky baby.) and droo d5 at class.

I got 3 texts from 3 people all like WOAH YOURE WITH YOUR H..what is going on..why are you guys in the same car? Etc just nosy.

I stop and try to get gas, I start to go inside to pay and before I get inside H yells hey wait so I turn around, he was walking towards me. In the time it took to get my wallet from my purse, get s3 his toy, and start walking apparently H had already swipped his debit card and said fill her up (to my car.) Hey free full tank.

H decides to hop in the driver seat when I finish pumping. He then drives me to school. I was confused. I'm like ummm we aren't going to the house so you can have the carseats and your own car? Nope (my school is 5-5 mins from my house. I could walk it if I wanted.)

He simple said..you said you wanted to go to school today..and I did but still. I let it go but I felt like it was more of a..I'm dropping you here so I know.youre going to school type thing.

When I was grabbing my books and papers and my purse he opened my door for me. My arms were full so he tried giving me a good hug but I stood there with my arms full. He said GOOD LUCK! I'm like luck on what? It is school..

School was good. Just practice.

He went and got d5 from school while I was in school. 99% he would have gotten me or made me come home early enough to go get d5 myself. He switched over my laundry, put my clean dishes away, rearranged my bed pilllws etc. Random little things.

After class he said he wanted to buy us lunch aka mc d's. He offered me lunch, I declined and said no I'm good but thank you..he still got me burger though.

Came home, he opened my door for me to carry things inside, pulled out my chair at the kitchen table, mentioned how nice the house looks, mentioned how nice I look and if I noticed his new shirt,jeans, sneakers too.( I did notice I just was ignoring.)

Mentioned he loved our new room. Loved the new memory foam gel pillows, loved the candle scents.

He put the kids to nap while I cleaned up lunch.

He went and crawled into my bed and was like this is so nice and comfy. I just said mhmm and left the room. He eventually came out and said he had to go. He told me to call his parents house if I needed him before the weeke d or his cell. So at least I know he is not 100% with her moved in..just on his days off.

He tried giving me a hug when he left but I had done my power pose before in the bathroom and then was peeling a sticker off a book. I was watching him. He took 3-4 steps near me and then decided to go to the door instead.

He had tons of stuff in his arms(his new game, borrowing the ps4,head set, controllers, etc so he like patted-rubbed my arm when I walked up behind him to lock the door shut.

I did end up texting him and saying
"Thank you for the help today."
He wrote
"You are always welcome "

He called me at 8. I answered and he said he was just checking in the babies. Making sure We are okay and nothing was wrong. They s3 was ok and d5 was behaving.

It was weird. Is it horrible that now after everyday I associate happy days with a bad day after. So far everytime he its decent to me the next day he is ROTTEN and evil and makes me cry.I'm just expecting a Big bomb to happen again.

[Sparkls]

Honestly, as an outsider reading this, it sounds like more control. Buying your gas (trying to buy your love). Forcing his way into taking the kids to school Forcing you to go to school on his tearms, forcing his way into the bed etc.

I know it's not what you want to hear, but I just don't get the impression he's doing these things to try and make up for his mistake (clearly, he's still seeing her!). I think it's just more to keep you under his thumb...

[Painter]

I have to agree that this is very controlling behavior, all of it. Maybe it's his way of showing care, but it can also be control, temp checking, noticing that you're moving on and getting curious, etc.

One thing that has to change for good between you, regardless of the nature of the R, is the power balance. It sounds like you are well on your way to doing that and doing *amazing* work and progress.

[TimR]

Sorry Reds but I cannot cheer this on, however I do feel good that you had a good day. I am mind reading on this but guys minds work a lot alike, so here is what I was thinking.

The weekend you have your melt down and throw yourself at him and he does nothing. Then today he comes and is nice, buying you things, complimenting you and then the whole bed incident. IMHO he was trying to seduce you.

You are looking good, thinner, and plus you are ignoring him. He wants to know if he could still have you. You have him worried he may lose you at least physically. Maybe OW is not taking sufficient care of his desires. IDK

I cannot tell you this is correct. It is only a theory but like sparks says there is something just not right about it.

I am sorry to be the one to say it too. However that does mean there is something inside of him you still are attached to. Keep up DBing. Even pick it up a notch or two.

[Pink17]

Red, my lovely color of love,

I just don't get anything about this control stuff. I need to know if your H would force you to do anything you don't want to do?

If you say he would or he did, then it is control. If he was just helping around, then he may be seeing all what you are doing by yourself and now has a sick child.

Maybe it was his way to help a little. Red, your M had some dinamics and is it possible your H was doing some things if you guys were still married?

This guy is confused. I don't excuse hin and his actions, but the pain is not only for the LBS. The ones walking away also carry a lot of pain.

This man had a family and then lost his way because a woman put herself right in his face. Is that a reason to forget what his part was? No. But neither is a reason to crucify him.

You told us Red, that you could be better, that you could look better, that you just let go and was not yourself anymore.

Once this nightmare started, your H saw the butterfly slowly come out of the coccum. She is beautiful, she has strenght, she is an amazing mom, she looks good, she is smart, independent...and on, and on.

Now, this guy is confused. He should be happy, but he isn't. He should be looking foward, but he isn't.

Instead, he got himself into a huge turmoil. Yes, he may be with the scum bag sometimes, but sex is not everything, and after awhile it evaporates.

Red, from the bottom of your heart, tell me what is your take on this. You know this man and what he is capable. What he did sounds like manipulation or control?

Or it is a curious George trying to figure it out what is going on with you?
And yes, he may be checking the temperature, but that does not make him an evil person.

If he is so bad, controlling, manipulative, evil... why do you want him?

I just think that it is up to you to stay firm, strong, set your boundaries (the ones you can really keep). Keep being independent, charming, positive, confident, secretive...

Keep your healthy distance, keep the changes in a consistent way. Do your GAL, stay the curse.

This is a marathon, not a sprint. Your H will behave arratic because its all very crazy right now. He got himself into a big trouble, he is not very sure of anything, his feelings are probably changing every day.

You want to have a chance to have him to come back to you, then keep the DBimg. Don't bother yourself analyzing his behavior. Fix you, better yourself, keep your distance and see what happens. Baby steps, a little every day.

You can do it Red. Pay attention to everything. Be alert. Measure your progress. Try a tecnique, if it takes you to cheeseless tunels, then change it.

Red, believe in yourself and believe that circumstances change. You are becoming a person only a fool would leave. Maybe with time your H will realize he doesn't want to be a fool.

Love,
Pink

[Rednail]

This is why I post..in my head I def thought the school part was a little controlling and weird. I just thought the whole day was weird. I was like..is he being nice, is he just being controlling, is he helping from guilt because baby is sick? Who the heck knows, I know it was good. Kids were happy, nothing bad happened, I only physically interacted with him for maybe an hour and a half. 8:25-8:50 then then like 12:15-1:15.

I never saw the bed thing as him maybe trying to seduce me but I see how it might be. Before the OW if one if I was in bed he would always come and try to snuggle or whatever but now no.

He lays in the bed everytime he is over. I do not know why but he does. Either over or under the sheets or sprawled sideways..just always all up on it. We still share the house so on his days he is here he sleeps in the bed so I see it as like the couch. I no longer hangout in my room when he is in there watching tv on the bed though. Before even separated we would watch tv in bed or movies and hangout. I don't want that anymore.

Pink- No I honestly do not think he would try to force me to do something I did not want to do. If we were NORMAL and before he decided to leave this would be more of a normal family day for us. I think it is why I was weirded out all day.

I def do not really like the new H. He is mean, shallow, lies to my face,manipulatie, control freak.. I really do not know this man. He told me my D5 teacher who lost like 60lbs looking fat. Shes a size 6 and her shirt gave her some muffin top. I was like (in my head) wtf dude.

I miss the old before he left me, sweet H. The one who always left me love notes before work on the fridge, called me everynight from work to tell me he missed me, sweet and caring H. I do not know of the man I want is even there anymore.

I really had to keep power posing, and pep talking the crap out of myself. I really wanted to just hug him and be all thank you for helping me today and just.love on him. I wanted to lay in the bed next to him and talk. I wanted him to hug me good, sometimes he will pick me up and really hold me. I wanted him to love me, but my head just said NO. NO YOU DON'T. Because right now it would mean NOTHING. It makes you cry because you get 5% love and then know he is going right back to her so just keep a foot or two between you. Be strong. Act as if you are fine and distance.

Seriously without you guys I would be a hot mess everytime he is over.

I told my best friend about my day..she said " He wants to still have his back burner girl. Remember what his ex said. If he thinks you are slipping away he will make you feel enough love to hold on just incase he ever wants to come back. Just keep up your wall around you."

[Rednail]

I will say I am doing pretty good on the D front.

I have my old wedding job back. 12$ an hour, can come and go as I want because my office is at her house and I have a key. I can take my kids. She(my boss) is the ow ex mother in law and my h's ex best friends mom.

She was close enough to us that she buys my kids gifts and they call her grandma. This week I worked 10hrs so 120$ in 2 days. Even if I did 10hrs a week thats almost 500$ a month. She said she could easily give me 20-40 hours and really come and go whenever. Bring the kids, she always has snacks and treats for them and full access to the fridge.

D5 school hired me as a sub. Days they need a sub they will call me to work. I'm already class mom and run so many things for the school for free they said I might as well be paid!

STILL GETTING MY CNA LICENSE AND JOB.I will try to work part time cna 1-2 days a week. Even work at the hospital 3 days a week full time, linen job on the side when I can and if I have time and they call me to sub to go in.

Either way the part time linen job is 500-1000$ for 10-20 hrs a week plus the cna and maybe subbing I should make enough money to be fine without H once you add in child support.

THEN I had a meeting and found out I CAN get FREE daycare for the kids for the next year before they are both in school. I have a family advocate that 2 of my best friends use. She helped them get the daycare one for her special needs son and the other is a single mom of 3 who has been separated from her husband for 2.5 years with no divorce in sight because she cries everytime she tries to file.(she left him because he is bad into drugs but still can't seem to divorce him.)

So daycare for free I'm working on.

Then my sister just moved out of my moms yesterday to go live with my brother across the country. My whole family lives up north and my grandparents are sick. She is going back to take care of them so now I have room at my moms for me and kids..and my ex stepsister is planning on moving out as soon as she can by maybe may? So that would be another room. My mom rearranged the house and put a huge futon bed, and tons of stuff in the exercise room so it looks nice but functions as a bedroom now. She said she would give me the master bedroom with the bathroom and sleep in the exercise room since she is always working out in there and it has the computer,tv, walk in closet etc. It is the size of a 2 car garage.

Sooo this week mama got:
Job
Housing
Daycare

I am feeling very independent. I did not tell H any of this AT ALL. I have not told anyone besides 2 best friends and my mom about the job or daycare or the house.

[Painter]

You are the embodiment of the expression 'coming from a position of power'.

Very, very important: even if you and H get back together, keep your financial independence. Never become dependent on a man again. I am telling you this as woman of 50+ who gave up a good job and family and independence at 35 to move and get married and become dependent. Now, my health is not great and H berates me for not making a lot of money (I can't get a job like i had anymore). Don't be me, be smart!

[TxHubby]

You're doing great. Enjoy the independence. BTW, your hubby is a major league cake eater. He wants to string you along in case he changes his mind about OW or she changes her mind about him. Honestly, from what I've read of your posts, you're way too quality of a woman to allow yourself to ever be anyone's plan B. Too much life ahead of you to let yourself be treated that way. I'm not saying dump him for good but if he wants to be part of your team then it's YOUR rules he must live by. First, and most important, NO OW'S EVER. No flirting, no nothing. He doesn't even get opposite sex friend privileges because he has proven he's not trustworthy. YOU'RE the one who has the power to decide if this M goes forward, not him.

I think you're doing great. You're realizing that your H is a want and not a need. You're realizing that you can do just fine on your own. That is awesome. That empowers you to become the master of your own fate. Keep it up, you're doing great.

[Pink17]

Hi Red,

Thank you for answering. You are definitely showing your strengths and its awesome. Proud of you beautiful!

You are mastering the DB concept and doing all you can (and that's a lot already) to be a better you. I am amazed of how fast things move for you. And you have two little ones.

I always come from the place of caring. So, it always takes me a while to determined that someone is bad or doing bad at that moment. That's why I question your H's attitude towards you.

I really believe that his A will pass. Some Rs start very wrong and they are more likely to fade with time. At the beginning there is a lot of "new" but then people start showing their true colors and things go sour.

What you are doing is exactly what you should, need, must to do for yourself and your kids. Keeping your distance from him is very good, you are protecting your heart and your well being.

Just be caution that he will react to what is happening, he is not blind and he is seeing the changes. He also knows that you are young and can rebuild your life with someone else.

But all that is his problem, and he will need to put the hard work to gain your trust and your heart back. Try as much as you can do not give in to his charms, he will try it.

Right now, your position is empowering you to even put some boundaries about how he approaches you. No more hands everywhere, no more good wife waiting for him. Boundaries seem like the worse thing and feels like you are pushing him away, but it is only when we set the boundaries that they start seeing we are not just playing around, that we are actually respecting ourselves.

Be patient, continue in your path with all what life is offering you right now. You have a good plan. Let him be, things will turn for the worse with him and around him. With time he will realize his mistakes. He will probably go into phases, cycles. If you keep being strong as you are, he will finally realize how stupid he was.

You go girl. Can't say enough how a beautiful butterfly you are becoming, right in front of our eyes.

With lots of love,
Pink