Hello all, I have been married to my wife for 7 years. We have two beautiful kids ages 5 &2. W has been saying she doesn't love me anymore and she hasn't for a few years. She had an affair in 2011 which we out in the past. I found out recently that she was having and emotional affair with someone. When I found out she said it would stop and she wants to work on us and the family. Things have been going in the right direction (so I thought). She told me on Feb 24,2016 that she wanted to separate because she's not happy. She says that it is not me and I am doing everything right.
We both work hectic jobs and she works nights. I found out yesterday she was still texting the guy from before, who is married with a child on the way. He has told her numerous times that he will not leave his wife for her and they are just friends. After I found that out she said she is done and wants a divorce. She says that she feels I can't be her true love because she allowed her heart to love someone else.
I've asked her to try counseling she says no then she says she might go one time but she is still done with me. Am I wrong to think we can still save this? Can someone fall back "in love"? I've been told the more I try to make it work the further I am pushing her away. If anyone can give some advice I will greatly appreciate it.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Sorry you are here. Get the book. Read the book. And follow the advice. Read other peoples stories and post about your own What you are going through is not fair and it hurts. Yes, you may be able to save this and she may be able to fall back in love with you. One of the hardest things to come to grips with is that you can't control the other person. They have to make decisions for what they want in their life. Your job right now is to work on YOU. Put the M aside for now and work on YOU. Its counterintuitive but it is a process that can work. What can you 180? What can you do to GAL? Follow Sandi's rules. Tell us more about your sitch. Whats going on in your R? What are You accountable for? And how can you change the things that you are responsible for?
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
The R has been good or so i thought. (Stupid guy I am). I never saw the signs she was upset. She told me on New Year's Eve that she hasn't been happy and she's been going through the motions. She said I wasn't the same person. She said we never talked and I never did the small things like gifts roses and cards anymore. So I did everything to make a 180� turn around. I would leave a card and roses in her car,I booked us a hotel on the beach and decorated it with all the photos of us throughout the last 13 years. She has said numerous times that "this feels right". And we are going in the right direction. Only to tell me she was just saying that to make me happy. After reading Sandis rules I'm now aware I've been doing everything wrong. I kept trying to console her and make it right. I am def. not a saint in this. If anything my actions have caused her to feel the way she does. She just said to me this morning that she can't afford to live on her own and I feel that she is starting to realize it's not that easy. We have a vacation planned for March 17-24 but I think it's best she doesn't go and I just take the kids. That way she can see I'm ok without her. Am I wrong to think that way?
Sorry your here don. Like all above I suggest going over sand is rules and reading DR. Threads like Wonka's validation cheat sheet will also be handy I think because you are still talking.
As for the vacation you have to think, will telling her she can't come be something you want to tell her so you can get a reaction? Intentionally trying to get a reaction that benefits you canned viewed as manipulation by S. Also if it were me I would worry I would be enabling free time for her to contact/ be with OM.
All you can really do is be the best Don you can be for you and your kids. Do not do something and parade around looking for her to say how great you are. If she does awesome, don't expect it all the time tho.
Actions before words. Remember that. And it works on both ends. You can say all you want about R and yourself. She needs to see it from you not hear it. Same goes for her. She needs to show you her intentions with M not just speak them.
I hope you and your W can work on this. And I hope you stick around for help. There are many great people here that give amazing advice. Be strong
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Don - I agree with Tim, try to figure out what your reasons are for not making it a family vacation. Maybe it should be cancelled or postponed. It may push her further away if you tell her not to go or if you all go it could make your situation worse.
I am sorry that you are here and going through this. Best advice I can give is try to GAL, detach and do your 180's. Don't pursue her or push her to talk about M or reconciliation. It just backs them into a corner. Be the best dad you can be and improve yourself.
Keep posted. Hoping you stick with it because she seems conflicted and I hope you can make it work!
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
She mentioned not going on the trip. She stated that she doesn't know if she should go, but it kills her to know she will not be with the kids. I by no means want to hurt her or get a knee jerk reaction. I believe she is really confused, yesterday she was completely done and today she's telling me she loves me and is trying to hold my hand when we were in the car. I guess my thought about her not going on the trip would be that maybe she will see what it's like to not have the kids everyday. But I am no expert. Everything I've done so far has backfired. I have been standing my ground with her today as far as the rules go. Thank you all for the feedback
Don, don't worry too much - every single one of us does the wrong thing at first because it makes sense. I too did the "happy photos together" thing to find that made things worse. It's like pouring water on a fire, only to watch it explode.
We're appealing to a logical person, and your W isn't being logical right now. It sounds like she's got no idea what she wants.
However IMH and often wrong O, it sounds like things are pretty hopeful if she's vacillating on her feelings for you.
I'd read and reread Sandi's reflections, and of course everything that Cadet posted. The DR should be your handbook.
Also - Cadet is right about the gift of time. I have no such gift, and am watching my M slip through my fingers as the California divorce courts are a bullet train to dissolutionville. You're still together, you're communicating and the W isn't really sure what she wants.
It sounds to me as if you're here at the perfect time (or as perfect as it can get), and with some hard work you could build the foundation for a marriage that will last.
Me: 58 Her: 59 Kids: 0 Dog: 1 ILYBINILWY: 9/15 D Bomb: 1/11/16 (found out filed) Verified OM: 1/11/16 Moved out: 1/11/16 (thought it was temporary)
