It sounds like your love languages are different, and he's not interested in learning a new language. Not to say he's lazy, bu t learning how to selflessly love someone else is tough, and most couples try to rely on the old 'infatuation' to get them through their marriage, without any work.
Did he have a rough childhood? What is his negativity coming from? My wife had an ok childhood, but a mother who was verbally abused by an alcoholic father, so I think mom passed some bad traits to daughter. How I'd long for a wife who would want to hold hands, hug, kiss, and want to spend time with me! She's never really done that.
How's his self-esteem? Is his weight in check? Was he picked on as a kid? Lose a sibling or parent early? Just thinking of ways to explain why he's so upset all the time.
I'd keep poking around - would a slow drip of an EA/PA be happening?
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
You are a sharp, intelligent woman and offer so much insight to many of us on here.
A big part of me feels that unless WAS is truly remorseful and begging for us back, piecing will not go well. I am seeing that with my own situation as well.
My husbands actions demonstrate that he does not want reconciliation. I had so much hope based on 1 conversation, but I now realize I have to go back to detachment. For me to have hope and force work on it when he does not want it, is only bringing me heart ache.
Right now I am giving him as much space as possible. In a month I will reassess whether I really want to wait anymore. We are not powerless in this. We can leave anytime we want to.
I am truly sorry you are going through this. This is a lot of ups and downs for you. Your boundaries are being crossed and its a really difficult situation.
Trumpet, yes, there are definitely things in H's background that explain why he behaves this way. However, if he's not interested in looking at it, there's nothing I can do.
We (or maybe rather I) have decided to separate. I am looking for a place for H - who would prefer that I leave, but there are many reasons I won't. That causes a little tension in waves, but he reins himself in for the most part.
It just felt like we were friends with benefits. Not a situation I want to be in with my H. It felt demeaning and humiliating on a daily basis.
I told him this morning that I want to be in a relationship that is loving, caring, affectionate, and committed. I want to be with someone who wants to hold my hand, spend time with me, and be nice to me. He said he didn't think we could get there. So I said that it's unfair to waste my time if he has decided that he doesn't have those feelings for me and won't do what he can to get them back (he feels he has done everything, I don't agree - but that's a moot point now. He lists his main achievement as 'no longer yelling at me').
So we've been discussing practicalities today. He has been sad, upset, tried to hug me (he suddenly felt 'not pressured') and I pulled away. I told him it was mean to suddenly give me what I've been missing after we decide to split. Like if he gave up on our M after 2 years of no sex and I tried to seduce him an hour later.
Basically, he can't handle the pressure of being married. He can only do things that make him feel good. He can only do what he feels from moment to moment, and it can change from day to day. I can't live like that.
Honestly - I look forward to being alone. I want to clean the place up, throw out half of what is here, rearrange, have girl parties, eat what I want when I want - and not having to walk on eggshells because the mood can change in the blink of an eye.
I'm sure I'll be lonely - but I honestly don't know if I can be much more lonely than I already am...
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I should add - I told H very clearly that I would prefer to have the kind of loving, affectionate relationship that I need with him, but if he isn't interested, he needs to set me free so I have a chance to find it with someone else.
He's still trying to say I'm the one who is breaking up the M.
After he 3 rounds of an EA/PA with the same OW and his refusal to continue MC.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
He's still trying to say I'm the one who is breaking up the M.
Yes.
You talk about feeling exhausted, used, neglected. You talk about how he doesn't live up to your ideals of a man in so many ways. You talk about how he won't go to counseling or do the work.
There is a name for women like this: WAS.
No man will be the person you think they ought to be. They will be their own man. You will either learn to appreciate them for who they are, or you will be miserably married.
Just because he won't go to counseling or do what you want him to do, that doesn't mean he isn't willing to "do the work". It means he doesn't want to live his life as your puppet. He is doing the work in other ways. Just because he says he can't see a way for it to work, doesn't mean that feelings couldn't change if time was allowed to pass in a healthier way.
As for the EA/PAs...how is that relevant at this point if he ended them and has recommitted to the M? You cling to his failure from the past as a reason to leave now?
Bottom line, every marriage looks horrible at it's worst. Every man looks abusive, negligent, unsophisticated, and exasperatingly unwilling to fit into the plans of their women. There's a vicious circle where a man feels controlled or manipulated by criticism and so withdraw further into their cave to stay safe and cope. I'll bet H would be happy with another woman, if she didn't do these things, and accepted him as he was. But I think he could be just as happy with you if you did the same thing. You say he won't do the work. I say it takes one to tango.
I don't have all the answers, but walking away isn't the answer. You don't need my permission to separate or leave your marriage, but you don't have it nevertheless.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I know you feel strongly about this, Zues, but I won't live in a M that is nothing but friends with benefits. H has refused to communicate, changed the terms of the M and broken the trust, so yes, I consider him pretty responsible for the breakdown of this M.
He says he has recommitted to the M, but is in fact very withholding and says right out that he goes by how he feels from day to day. That's not what I call committment. He refuses to hug me, touch me or to spend time with me. He wants to ML every now and then, but that's the only time we are anything but roommates.
I am accepting of H the way he is, I don't have a problem with us being different or having different views, needs, perspectives or opinions. To me, that is enriching. He is the one who can't tolerate that I'm different, and who is frequently very angry at me for having other opinions or want to do something differently. He seems to feel he should have authority over me, and challenges me every day about issues he knows we disagree on to try to start a fight.
I have never said anything about 'my ideal of a man'. I have said that this relationship does not give me what I need, namely affection and love.
The thing is - I'm equally accepting of myself and what I need, so I'm going to stop ignoring the damage this is doing to my soul and heart and work my way back to health. The situation is breaking me down - it's becoming a matter of emotional survival.
I was thinking about relationships I had before and felt a small shock when I remembered that I didn't use to be afraid of saying anything to my partner in case they had a rage fit. And that it doesn't have to be like that.
It's interesting to see that since yesterday, when I suggested he move out, he has given me two warm hugs, taken my hand to hold, and felt very warmly towards me. I know that if we decided to give it another try, he'd pull right back again. He only wants me when he thinks he can't have me. I'm getting off this rollercoaster.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Painter, I know this was a difficult decision for you. Who knows, maybe in future husband will be willing to really work on his 180s and there will be chance for reconciliation. Maybe this is just the kick in the pants for husband to get his act together. Please continue to post and update us as to how you are doing.
Zues, I understand your committment to marriage, but when a spouse is serial cheating I really feel like the betrayed person has more to worry about then just her emotional health. Betrayed spouse continues to risk their physical health with intimacy. staying with a husband involved off and on with other woman can be very dangerous. From what I understood, painter frequently suspected husband was involved with other woman?
Also, I am beginning to think that for a reconciliation to really work, a cheating spouse has to be remourseful and truly be willing to put the work in. I feel like the cheating spouse has to really really feel guilty or what is to keep them from doing it again? Life is filled with stress and hardships. It's a guarantee. So if one day in future There is sickness or someone loses job or family member what is to keep the betrayer from resorting to another affair? They never really learned consequences or regretted their actions from before or did the necessary work on themselves to prevent it from happening again.
There are many posters here who reconciled with spouse and then return on here again because WAS did same thing.
I know how scary it must be to take the risk in dating/ marrying a new partner that might potentially betray. But it's actually more scary when you take back an old partner that you know will betray. Especially when they are not truly remorseful.
The ones that are truly remorseful are many of the LBS who are doing 180s, reading tons of relationship books, working on empathising and validating and forgiving their spouses.
If reconciliation is all driven by the LBS then I don't see how it is possible to make it work.
Thank you for your support. Yes, it's been a very difficult decision that has taken me more than two years to reach.
When we have discussed the causes of the A, H points to me and something I said or did (including things that happened *after* the EA had been going on for a year). Not saying I'm blame free, but he didn't have to have an A, etc.
Although he feels bad about hurting me, he doesn't seem to feel he did anything wrong *considering the circumstances*, and he also expresses that it is up to me to make sure he doesn't do this again, by behaving a certain way.
He believes our R hinges on how he feels about it from day to day, and on my behavior. He feel that he mostly reacts to my words and actions - although he will at times acknowledge that he's not the easiest person to live with.
If we discuss making a commitment for the future, he feels 'pressured' and loses his feelings for me, and gets resentful.
He also thinks that I should be completely over the A and trust him at this point, because it's over for him (he says), and the past is behind us. Two months should be more than enough time to 'get over it'.
This is why I think a separation is best for us, and why I don't take the blame for it, even if I'm the one pointing out the elephant in the room.
I don't even feel very angry or like he is a bad person - I just think he's confused, emotionally immature, and more than a little self-centered and spoiled. He's a nice guy (when he's in a good mood) and a hard worker, just not very good at impulse control, and some problems with being honest in relationships. Obviously I care for him and wanted to save our R - otherwise I wouldn't have put myself through all of this, but I'm not going to list all the reasons why in this post.
Quote:
I know how scary it must be to take the risk in dating/ marrying a new partner that might potentially betray. But it's actually more scary when you take back an old partner that you know will betray. Especially when they are not truly remorseful.
I don't plan on dating anytime soon, but that's a great point you make.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Hi painter just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you I know what you are going through.
When they say focus on yourself .....they really are not wrong I am a bit of a control freak and I used to believe that I could control things I cannot control others I can control myself.
Take care
Hugs
Ghost x
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
