I guess my course is one of inaction and waiting. I am struggling with Boundaries. Other then the Open marriage aspect I don't really know what boundaries I can put in place. For religious reasons I really don't want to file without knowledge of a PA which I have none.
She does try to get extra cash from me over what I am giving her for the kids and I recently put my foot down and told her I was doing the best I could. I wish I could have included something like this was your choice, maybe you can no longer afford to do xxxx, but I just said I couldn't give anymore. Thoughts for next time?
Why am I such a wet noodle? <--rhetorical Q... I really don't know where I should be standing up for myself as she is mostly civil. The OM and game addiction is my only issue, which I really can't do anything about. Although I am glad I am learning more about boundaries because I am sure I will need them @ some point.
I know that she still see's me as a safety net and not sure how to change that. L's advised to continue paying for the minor things I am to not rock the boat. I just think that if she will ever be back, she is going to have to leave first to experience reality.
Hey cube! Sorry I've been gone. Got caught up and I'll respond the best I can to some of your questions. I'll keep the same format to avoid confusion
1. This is more about how the game changes in two ways. First, since she is in an affair, she is so infatuated with him that she is not thinking clearly. Her rational thought is often clouded by her emotional connection to OM. Think of all the "stupid" things we do when we're "in love" aka infatuated with someone. Look at the actions she takes and see how they fit into this equation. It also means that we have to learn to accept that we have no control over another person.
Secondly, it's a game changer because it affects so much of you and your life. You have to start making changes across the board: protecting yourself, reinventing yourself, taking even more care of the kids, etc.
2. Having the kids full time when you are not at work is an excuse. I'm sure you can get creative and think of things. Do activities with them. Maybe create a new hobby? Do something during lunch from work. Really dig in and expand your mind as to what is possible.
3. Good I'm dying to get mine out and go crazy. 23 F is not good weather for it though...
4. L advice is a good guideline. You're also not detached based on "that if I piss her off then that will effect the outcome of D." You filing for D has nothing to do with whatever potential response she may have. You filing for D needs to be about YOU. Not telling you to file by any means, because I still prayed every day it would not go through. Just helping you to refocus.
5. She might be doing it to spite you. Who knows? It doesn't matter either, because mind reading isn't going to help you. This could be an area to place a boundary, or it could be something that ends up in court. Any time you are refused - document, document, document. You should see the notebook and calendar I had "just in case".
Boundaries: sandi did a great response to you re: boundaries. Where do you draw the line, Mr. Nice Guy? In regards to boundaries, her response is relatively immaterial. As sandi's stated, as I've stated, boundaries are about you and protecting you.
For example, a financial boundary is the one you posited about removing all financial support except for those directly related to caring for the children so long as she is having an affair/leaving the marriage. I'm sure the Ls gave you examples of what the "minor things" are.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Thinking of pulling a... I want to flip the script and make her think I am breaking up with her. I am tired of her saying, "just because YOU don't want a divorce doesn't mean xxxxx" I think I am beyond LRT anyways. I know that I need to set her free (for myself) and drop the rope. Here is a slightly modified version of what I found on a thread about setting them free (link below). This allows me to point out three key facts 1) I know that I WILL be ok, 2) I know the severity of her feelings for this OM and 3) I know that I DESERVE to be treated better.
i don't think this is something a "wet noodle" would do so a 180, too.
I also feel this is a way of establishing a boundary. That I will not accept her actions of having an affair. Not an "if you / I will" type boundary but I still think it is one. Am I wrong on this as a boundary? I am not sure how she will react to the affair part, but I think it is time to “call a spade a spade”
"I HAVE BEEN DOING SOME THINKING.. and here is what I have decided. I don't know why I didn't see this before, but I have realized that this just isn't going to work this way. I now realize that I don't want to be with someone that really doesn't want to be with me. I don't want to be with someone who is in love with another man and having an affair. It just isn't what I want in life.
I have decided that we should work toward divorce sooner rather than later, so please let me know specifically what information you need from me so that you can file for D (she already stated she is). I also think you should figure out something to do with your stuff as soon as possible. Within two weeks would be good. If we need to we can just box it up and put it in the garage until you can afford your own place. I am sorry it didn't work out between us but I have now realized that maybe this is for the best. Anyway, I have to go to my friends and I am running late. That is all I had to say. Talk to you later."
I am open to any edits or thoughts. She has already moved out and is in the process of putting together the papers to file. Going Dark, really doesn't seem to have ANY effect after 3-4 weeks.
Ok I read about this "last last resort technique". Here's my question, are you really ready to accept the consequences if it's over? Because that's what the book says, this is it. Because if you are, I'm not really sure it matters too much how you say it. Because either 1) you wake her up or 2) she follows through on filing. Just want to make sure you're ok with 2....
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
I know that they say believe nothing they say and 1/2 of what they do, but I am 99.9% sure she is going to file. I doubt it will snap her out of it, but I must agree I have been a "wet noodle" so to speak. I think I should stand up for myself and have some self respect. If she is going to file, she is going to file.
Maybe I can word it less "let's file now" and more "if you want to file, file" "If you want to break off your relationship and address the real issues that got our R to this point I am open to that too" but something has got to change <--might be to much of pursuit and less of what the "last last resort" is supposed to do.
C
Last edited by Cristy; 03/04/1612:53 PM. Reason: per forum agreement, do not mention other authors/books
Just been reading threads, and maybe I just need to STFU. I'm not sure if maybe i just haven't given this DB'ing enough time. Still learning to DB, probably shouldn't jump to the last chapter. Patience, Cubebot, Patience. Has anyone ever mentioned this is hard and that it's like an emotional roller coaster? I think I heard that once... Sooo True
Agree with you....give it some time. detach, GAL and make your goals. Give it a month or two, reassess, then you can try the last last resort technique. They say we have the gift of time, why not use it?
Last edited by Cristy; 03/04/1612:54 PM. Reason: per forum agreement, do not mention other books/authors
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
I am currently reading ... and intrigued by advice, but not sure what the best strategy is. I already told WW to chose her fantasy world/game/OM or her family. She moved out that night...It is very helpful for me to go back and re-read the posts from Sandi2 and Squiggy to "center" myself. They each provide so much insight into both myself and her too. Put together some basic goals for myself.
Goals for this month: 1) Keep the Sink empty and dishwasher loaded with dirty & Fold and put away Laundry once load is done 2) 15 mins or scripture every night before bed. 3) Plan a camping trip for me and kids & one family outing each weekend 4) Cardio 2x a week and Gym 2x week (going to start going to gym on lunch break) 5) GAL - one night out with friends each week and find a new hobby
R Goals: 1) I will Validate and continue to study Boundaries 2) PMA @ all times when in contact 3) No Pursuing 4) I will not log into game to see what she is doing 5) Detach, Detach, Detach
Last edited by Cristy; 03/04/1611:49 AM. Reason: Per forum agreement, do not mention other books/authors
Now those are goals I can get behind. Very well done. Focused on you and the long-term game.
You talked about patience. This is a difficult thing to do when in this sitch. Having to tell yourself over and over and over again that this is a marathon and not a sprint is a daily chore, particularly when it seems so much easier to make the break. DBing works. I can attest to it. Give it a chance until you, ultimately and with a clear mind/heart, decide your marriage is completely dead and cannot be revived.
Don't tell her to file. Your second version of that statement is much better, but it will end up being reactionary. If she wants to file, then so be it. You aren't the one who left the marriage, abandoning your vows, and choosing to be with someone else. Let her do some hard work too. Followed by your statement about the relationship (affair...might as well call it that), and you have a good combination. It begins to establish a boundary, while keeping the road smooth. BUT there needs to be at least a hint of a consequence, such as saying It looks like we both have some big decisions to make.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Patience is so important right now. Focus on being the best Cubebot and Dad that only a fool would leave.
It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head!
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
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