Looking at my earlier posts I don't know what to think. Is she trying to ease her sense of guilt, is she thinking of me as a good friend who she feels affection for or is it something else? Hard to say but as always I'll have to keep on my own path. It is incredible to think she can say the situation is good for me when it has almost destroyed her R with S. I don't think she knows what she is saying or feeling when she communicates with me. The happy smiles, the sad tears, the kisses, miss yous on one hand then the planning monies for the future, house advice, her daily life on the other. She does spin my head and emotions round but I just have to keep resetting and going again, always remembering that I don't know what is going on in 98% of her life and so can only live my own.
It's hard to know what they are really thinking and what the motivations are for all the contact. I do think it's because they can't let go. I especially like what Sandi said about leaving her with positive feelings about you. When the A with the OM starts to sour, and it will, she'll remember the good times with you. Guaranteed. That doesn't mean she'll come back just yet, but it will stick with her.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Hey Scrant, I think you're probably right about easing her sense of guilt - she's wanting to say - Hey, isn't this great for us all - and for you to buy in. Fact is, starting a R with an AP is a hard road, which won't get easier at all. In that R, you will always have started as lies and betrayal and that carries much stigma.
She's still pretty foggy I think and please try not to spend time trying to figure it out - that's a crazy road you don't want to be on for sure. Try and detach as much as you can - forge on with your own stuff and leave her to live her own path for now....you're doing really well I think - it may not always seem that way to you perhaps, but you are.
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I'm not sure if it's guilt. I'm not sure if it's JUST friendship. I believe it could be keeping a door open. But you're right, Sotto, it's a waste of time to try and figure it out. Scrant, just be your cheerful, wonderful self whenever you're out and about.
I know this is the hardest thing ever. I struggle with it every day, as you can see on my thread. My fear is that the longer we're in NC, the better ow will look and the closer they'll get. But now there's nothing I can do about it. I'm not about to break the NC while she's caught up with some things at work that are keeping her very busy and probably a bit upset...
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
How do we deal with texting? This morning I get up to a whole series of chatty messages about the weather ( it's snowing),son and even asking about some food she gave him a couple of days ago. I haven't responded, just deleted them but I never know if by answering in a brief and breezy way is to invite more and validate the I'm okay with this. W has been also texting on a wider family group about her adventures on the way to work. All part of the everything is fine, even though I'm living with my OM and hardly ever see my son except for car rides. I still haven't worked the correct response out.
Sure enough had to reply to one as I received a bank text message which was sent to me by mistake. Immediately she sends me three texts about our morning journey and questions about S. Deleted and gone back to work.
Hi Scrant, yes it must be hard with the text messages - and I think your W is currently in deep denial about the impact of her decisions. If you think about it - if you ran off with another woman, are you likely to think it is okay to keep a big ole friendly text exchange going on with your W? Is your new partner likely to think it is okay? It is all fogginess I think.
I think on your part it is a balance between being a willing participant in the 'chat' (friend zone) and not responding and perhaps seeming cold. I don't really know the answer - but maybe responding to 25% or fewer of chatty texts may be about right - particularly if there are many of them. Also, often leave plenty of time before responding. You're a busy guy with a rich and full life after all, right?
I can recall another poster - Rysinman - having a similar issue with texting. Him and his W were at a geographical distance and she was keen to keep in text contact - what did you have for lunch etc. He was very much trying to move on and cut that kind of contact dead. Interestingly, last time he posted they were about to start piecing. Theirs was an infidelity situation too. I can't recall how he cut it dead, but he got advice beforehand from the forum.
Hope this helps a little. Now, onto the most important thing - you!! How are things going with GAL - are you still extending yourself? Trying new things and meeting new people? Enjoying it? Do keep pushing out the boundaries on this as it will serve you well I promise.
Truly, the best thing I have done is the Divorce Recovery Workshop - and others seem to have benefitted from Rebuilding seminars. The joy of these is that you bond with a new group of people going through a similar thing and that is so beneficial. I'm not suggesting you will D - I was at a similar stage to you when I signed up for the seminar and still hoping my M could be saved.
Anyway - do take care and keep posting. Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks Sotto. I've got a little blocked with GAL at the moment. Busy with work and waiting for parents to visit for Easter. I went out last weekend for a movie with a friend but generally quiet. Here divorce workshops don't seem to be a thing and I'm not keen to enter the singles/separated lifestyle yet. I bought the book you mentioned and another 8 week practical guide. I'm going to work on myself for a while, reduce wine intake which has gone up recently ( excuse of helping me sleep) and generally keep feeling positive. I've found myself speculating and worrying about holidays, loneliness etc. I do need to refocus on the GAL but not sure where to go next. I'm reluctant to go into situations by myself and see what happens. Can't run at the moment either due to a minor injury. As for the texts I'll pick and choose. I got one from the bank account which enabled me to know she's added a new phone company. I hate knowing anything about her new life so I asked her to change the bank number so I don't get anymore. She was immediately back with chatty questions. I answered one and left the rest.
Today is text day! Two more asking for some English TV programmes which she likes. Could I pass them on a pen drive when she taxis S? She wants the best of both worlds!
Well, I guess she will do what she will do and ask for what she will ask for. After that, it comes down to a boundary issue for you. Do you want to keep on doing this stuff? Does that arrangement work for you?
It's up to you, but options could be:
Forget about the request and see if she raises it again Give the pen drive on the basis that 'friends' may pave the way for possible R somewhere down the road Offer a truth dart? - W - you have a new partner to help with stuff like this now. (Yes, she may be annoyed, but equally it lets her know you're not going to be her chum with stuff like that.)
It's up to you what you do. What would help you most at this point do you think? BTW, I'm not suggesting being a bit ornery with anything parental - but the whole book lending, TV programme thing is different I think.
JMHO of course xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
