Moving Ahead in UK - pt17 - been here so long!

[rd500]

IMHO live your life mate. She decided not to be part of it. If it annoys her or not is irrelevant

You did not want this and all you are doing is moving forward with what's best for you. I would not lie but would be very sparing with information Back to the neighbour thing , you might mention your going away but at the same time limited info

Just my opinion

Take care. Rd

[Rouky]

Sorry to ask you this question Huddy but as you sold your house are you legally separated? As I have been informed that if I'm not legally separated my STBXH is my next of kin and would be entitle to all my assets. If you are legally separated, do you think it affected your chance of R?

Thanks

[Huddy]

Hi Rouky

I'm not sure where in the world you are, but here in the UK we have two different legal systems - one for England and Wales and one for Scotland (goes back to the act of union!). In my part of the UK, you can legally get a separation order which is administered by a Sheriff (judge) which effectively dictates what you can and cannot do and who has responsibility for the kids etc. My W, because I wouldn't move out or sell the house originally, wanted one of these - I simply refused.

We are technically separated, but not legally so, as we are not bound to adhere to any court orders (none have been made) and we make our own decisions on childcare, maintenance etc. I suppose if it got ugly, either one of us could get an order, but my W called off the L in August, so I don't see the need for one.

As for assets, as we're still married, of course, if anything happened to me, my W would get everything (pension etc.) and vice versa. I did contemplate writing her out of my pension etc., but I didn't feel the need. Obviously if either one of us decides to go to full D, this would need doing, but it would be part of a settlement.

As for an R, I wouldn't say being separated has harmed any chance of this. I see signs from her that all is not well in her life, and what she longed for hasn't met her expectations, but it's not up to me to start that ball rolling. Time, they say, is a great healer, but having lived through an 8 month period of in house separation, I'll tell you now, despite being told not to leave the marital home, I wouldn't recommend it. The anxiety and stress was unreal and although I miss W and the kids every day, the lack of pain and suffering is a real godsend.

[Rouky]

Thanks for this as I'm from the UK and one of my dire told me that because I'm not legally separated from STBXH, if something happens to me he gets every thing. I earn more than him, have a better pension and few assessts that were given to me by my parents. My concern is more if I die he gets everything, so him and OW will be well off financially and as I have a step daughter she'll be able to get more. I'm more concerned that if I die my kids won't get their fair share, as STBXH could use the sale of my house to entertain OW and his first daughter would be entitled to her mother's side, her father's share and if I die and STBXH is still my next of keen, she will get some inheritance that should have gone to my kids.

As a male, would you be offended if I were to go for a deed of separation ( which is not D), just to protect myself and my kids financially? I know he is still with OW and unfortunate I can't trust him.

[roist]

Huddy,
TBH I was surprised by your not telling your W about the trip and fearing her reaction. I think that it is great that you are going on a trip you really want to do and to somewhere you really want to visit. Your life should be full of stuff like that.

Whereas I would not rub her nose in it, I think in your place I would have told her. But seeing at this stage you have said nothing I don't think that is bad either. Sooner or later she will know about the trip and the fact you didn't feel obliged to discuss it with her will also cause reflection on her part.

Either way you are living your life now and her getting upset about what you do is not your problem.......... as long as it doesn't affect your co-parenting.

Enjoy the trip.

I will also take this opportunity to give my thoughts on your in house separation. Firstly I think that this is a huge part of you becoming a better man. It made you strong. It made you grow. I understand your feelings on wishing you could have moved out earlier. Don't underestimate the impact on your W seeing you handle it so well.That could still work in your favour. And more importantly in the future you can look back and say you did not leave.It was W who left. This is not a blame game but more so you won't be subject to inevitable doubt or regret. Many people that leave wonder later if it was the best thing to do.

Happy thoughts

[Huddy]

Hi Roiste

Thanks for that. I intend to tell her on Sunday when she picks the kids up. I know she will go ape$hit about it, but that's her problem.

Reflection and hindsight are brilliant things; all I really need is ESP and I'm laughing!

I don't post that often now (combination of nothing much to say and I post on other peoples' threads instead) but I hope that people can pick up on the fact that we all come here hopeless and lost and, with a bit of luck, pick up valuable tips to help with survival.

[roist]

As I said it is her problem, but I am curious to why you are certain she will go apeshitt about it? Unless it means she has the kids when you are supposed to have them. That I can understand her getting upset but otherwise I don't understand why. But we have learn here that we are wrong to assume normal logic applies!

[Huddy]

Just based on how she has reacted when I've done things that haven't matched her assessment of how a LBS should act. It's all about control. My W still feels she can control me ('I want your bank card' - me 'no' - followed by ape$[censored] tantrum), so I'm expecting her to throw a tantrum. I could be wrong, but based on other things, I don't think so.

It's funny, everybody at work says they admire me for doing this trip, on my own, and saying I deserve it as I've had such a $hitty year. OK, they only have my side of the story, but they can see how it has affected me physically and mentally. I am constantly being told not to have her back, but it's not that easy with kids. But, of course, she's not the woman I married. Physically she is, but right now, she's being occupied by an utter nutter.

[roist]

If it is a control issue she will figure out soon enough that she no longer has any.

Don't let others influence you. They don't have to walk in your shoes.

And ENJOY that trip.

[Huddy]

Well, here we are folks, I'm off to HK tomorrow and I'd be lying if I didn't say I was nervous. It will be my first real holiday without my W and kids since 1998. It's been Mother's Day here in the UK today and yesterday I took the kids to buy some flowers and chocolates for W. She thanked me for them and was chatty and smiled at me again.

If she isn't happy, she's doing a great job of hiding it. She took it quite well and she said she'd bring the kids around when I come back.

Signing off for a week - keep yourself well folks!