Feeling lost

[mutatio]

Lower your horizons srt. Try to simply make each day pleasant, stay positive and love your children. Work out a longer term strategy here while your doing this. This is a marathon, forget about quick fixes.

Stay positive, love your children and evolve thru posting. Be well srt be strong

[Cadet]

I suppose what I'm asking is if anyone can help me determine if it is a WW, WAW or MLC as I have read they are approached slightly differently.

I really think your approach will be the same no matter what label their is.

Everything you need to DO is in my first post.

And when all else fails - DB says to DO WHAT WORKS.

[srt]

Posting as an update again, still waiting on DR book to be delivered... hopefully it will back up what I've been doing so far.

I have some questions in the meantime about holidays and things for those with kids. How do people handle these the DB way?
We will probably split our time as usual.
Do I agree to go on days out with her if she suggest in her time?
Do I invite out during my time? (suspect no!)

[Cadet]

While you are waiting for the book to come have you read all the homework?

Are you asking if you are to go out on a date with your wife?
Is that what you are expecting?

I am not sure what you are asking?

[collin]

SRT. I too am new here. What Ojap said really sums up my outlook too:

I will say that I too am very 'inpatient'. Kind of like..."I'm busting my tail over here, trying to improve who I am for our R. I'm reading books, I'm going to the gym, I'm posting to online forums looking for wisdom"....so WHY isn't it making a difference in HER?

You should check out Andy Stanleys talk on Starting Over. I believe it's on Netflix. It really emphasizes what Cadet said:

Things did not get to this point over night and you seem to be expecting a change in a short time.

My wife's and my relationship kind of just went off the rails and there was no way to reset the course. Maybe this is what's best for us. I am going to date my wife when she moves out. I am going to take this opportunity to be the best me I can be so I can be the best husband for her. For now, while she's still at home, I am going to be the best roommate I can be.

[srt]

Hi sorry, my wife is not willing to date, even though I've wanted her to do that since the start of the separation.

I meant during the holidays when we have turn about with the kids.

i.e when she has them, if she suggests I go on a day out with them as a family, should I go?

and the opposite, when I have them should I invite wife to come for days out with us?

[Cadet]

Well I will answer this way,
if someone gave me a chance to be with my kids,
wild horses would not stop me from taking that opportunity.

As far as inviting her,
depends on what your objective is.

If you are trying to win her back by expecting something
after you give her extra time with the kids, I would say - NO.

If you can do it just because it is good for the kids.
And have no expectations about your relationship, then - Yes

[srt]

Thanks, that was my thinking
I suppose the rest of my questions will hopefully be answered in the book too.
Finding situation not too bad to deal with now - relation with W are good (better than at any point in last 6 months/year).
Will post back about how to DB approach counselling if I don't get the info I need from DR.
Thanks!

[Accuray]

Hi SRT,

Please recognize that you're in a very difficult position. A lot of the advice will be like people telling you not to eat when you feel very hungry -- it just feels wrong to follow it and takes a LOT of discipline.

If you could DB perfectly here's what it would look like:

You would just "do your own thing", pursue your own happiness, and be the best "you" you can be.

If your W offered to do things as a family you would go if you wanted to, and not go if you didn't, and you would make that decision based on how you were feeling and what you thought was best for the kids. The impact it might have or not have on her wouldn't even be on the radar.

When you are together with your W, what she says or does wouldn't impact you at all, you wouldn't be looking to her for anything, and she wouldn't feel like she has any impact on your state of mind. If she's funny you laugh, if she's mean you shrug.

Why would that be your best bet?

Because virtually anything else you will do will push her away. Any "strategy", any attempts to win her back, persuading, pursuing, demonstrating, explaining, none of it will work.

Most people learn that lesson painfully and slowly.

The problem with learning that lesson the hard way is that all these things you feel like you should try actually push her farther away and do more damage.

She wants space right now? Respect her wishes and give it to her -- it's the best thing you can do.

I've had a couple friends from this board for several years, and know their exes. One guy continues to try to "get his wife back", writes her cards, sends her letters, is *convinced* that if she just understood how much he loves her and how different things would be, she would come back. She avoids him because his constant pursuit and attention is stifling and she doesn't feel like he's hearing that she wants space, so she keeps running. Her perception of him is not able to change because she just keeps focusing on getting away.

In the other case, after the guy discovered his wife's affair, he just went the other direction. He was polite, but dropped contact completely unless it was about necessary logistics or about the kids. He went out and pursued his interests and she felt more or less cut off.

In that situation, she was initially still angry at him for whatever had happened over the course of their marriage, but the space he gave her gave her the opportunity to process that anger and move beyond it. After the anger was processed, which took several months, she started to remember the good times and what brought them together to begin with, and then began to feel like she *might* have made a mistake in straying instead of trying to work through things.

There is *no way* she would have gotten to that mental state if he had continued to pursue her. Instead she would have stayed angry and stayed focused on escaping.

What you need to do right now is give her the space she wants and take care of yourself. Do not measure the impact of your every decision based on what she will do in response. Live your life, find yourself, learn how to smile and have fun again. It is literally all you can do.

Acc

[srt]

Annoyed with myself again since at latest handover of kids, things got emotional for both of us, we argued, and unearthed more of the past again.

Tonight my wife said she had felt unloved by me for years, which hurts so bad since I know the depth of my feelings for her. I guess we have had communication issues in that we have been unable to get the message across when asking for what we want.

I am struggling badly to accept the current situation, feel so lonely all the time and miss both my wife and kids badly. I'm scared DBing is going to have the wrong effect for me at this time. I'm trying desperately to GAL, and I'm making progress but finding it difficult. I'm currently not at work, and I feel this is heightening my anxiety.