WW hope to reconcile

[JellyB]

Your wife needs a few truth darts and some boundaries.

Those boys need her in their home town, demonstrating that she can be present and prioritising them and her marriage.

Wife needs put her Big Girl Panties on and Woman Up and you should be encouraging her to do so.

She has clearly expressed her desires for you to change. What do you and the boys need.

I am not sure why you are not using a children's therapist or social worker to negoitate her contact with the children.

Let them deliver her the news of what is in the children's best interest. If you don't feel able to deliever the boundary get someone into help. Let a therapist or social worker assist you to work through the barriers. Then see what she says and does.

To note I am not talking about marriage counselling. I am talking about an advocate for the children, whose primary interest and representation is for the children and there needs.

Sometimes Jim we need reinforcements. Your kids certainly do.

Your gorgeous boys have already been mightly f*** over by adults in their lives. What now we let them be exposed to a second round.

Jim I know you are trying to save your marriage with the woman you love, I get it. But man. This is hard to watch on your children's behalf.

Sorry Jim, not my ususal, carefully considered approach to offering supporr.

[J5K]

Sandi, Jelly,

I will look into getting a social worker for the boys so that they can have an advocate.

[JellyB]

You're a good man Jim, honourable and kind. What you are doing isn't easy. I have a huge amount of respect for you. So cheerleading you from the sidelines!!!

Much love Jelly xxx

[Vanilla]

Sandi, Jelly,

I will look into getting a social worker for the boys so that they can have an advocate.

I like this very much indeed.

Your WW is wilful and out of control. Acting like a diva.

Please get tested if you had unprotected sex. Your health is very important, you are the more stable parent for your boys. I agree with Sandi and Jellyb, your WW is having a fabulous time with days of freedom and nights off to be out of control.

This truly isn't for the stability of your family. WW has to learn the consequences of her choices. At the moment there are no consequences. Have you considered WW may be trying to get pregnant?

Protect yourself as much as possible!

V

[J5K]

Jelly,

So she has seen that the boys need her and she has proposed that she will be here most of the time but have me keep the boys on the weekends. She came up with a schedule for the next 4 weeks.

While she is gone I do not plan on doing her duties unless I absolutely have to.

Due to the issues that the boys are having at school and the way they are acting she is coming back to take care of them but on her schedule. Do I tell her she needs to be back full time or don't come back at all? If I do that, it will only turn into an argument that she will want to start and will continue to blame me.

As my DB coach has stated, get her to negotiate with me. Although she has seen changes in me, I have seen changes in her also. Although it may not seem that negotiating is the right thing to do, it has drawn her back to the marital home to do her duty as a mother even though it may not be full time.

Although her requests of me may seem frivolous to most people, they are important to her and not unreasonable requests to me. Don't know if the changes will save my M but she does see me differently now but she is still a roller coaster of emotions.

I am trying to keep my emotions out of the picture. To be honest, I did not think that she would be back this soon or offer to come back at all.

I don't know how to bring up my boundaries. How do I say them to her?

My boundaries would be as follows:

Cut off contact will all OMs "fiends". How do I get her to prove that she has?

When she was back she took care of things that a mom should.

The only other thing I would like from her is to treat me with respect. This weekend she started to just order me around. Everytime she did this I would stop and look at her and ask her to say please. She was frustrated at first because I would not do what she asked and walked away. She then quickly changed her tune and started to say please. She asked me why I was treating her like that and I told her it was rude that she was ordering me around and since then she always added please to every request.

I don't mind doing things I just want to be treated as an equal.

[Vanilla]

[quote=JimKao]Jelly,

So she has seen that the boys need her and she has proposed that she will be here most of the time but have me keep the boys on the weekends. She came up with a schedule for the next 4 weeks.

While she is gone I do not plan on doing her duties unless I absolutely have to.

Due to the issues that the boys are having at school and the way they are acting she is coming back to take care of them but on her schedule.

Do I tell her she needs to be back full time or don't come back at all?

Without legal advice then I don't think this ultimatum is possible. Please document when WW is with you and the children. You will need to have reports that this is damaging for the stability of the boys.

If I do that, it will only turn into an argument that she will want to start and will continue to blame me.

No matter what you do this will happen

As my DB coach has stated, get her to negotiate with me. Although she has seen changes in me, I have seen changes in her also. Although it may not seem that negotiating is the right thing to do, it has drawn her back to the marital home to do her duty as a mother even though it may not be full time.

If that is coaches advice then go with that, especially if it is working.

Although her requests of me may seem frivolous to most people, they are important to her and not unreasonable requests to me. Don't know if the changes will save my M but she does see me differently now but she is still a roller coaster of emotions.

negotiation is about exchange. I do this and you do that plus I give this and you give that. Something important to one may seem frivolous to another. A bargain is struck.

I am trying to keep my emotions out of the picture. To be honest, I did not think that she would be back this soon or offer to come back at all.

You bargained for this so why shouldn't she if it was a successful deal for her and you

I don't know how to bring up my boundaries. How do I say them to her?

if bargaining has worked so far then do that. Some things may be non negotiable. Such as no ML if you have sex with OM. They are your boundaries.

My boundaries would be as follows:

Cut off contact will all OMs "fiends". How do I get her to prove that she has?

You can only set boundaries for your behaviour not yours. I notice the Freudian slip, very appropriate. This isn't a boundary you can enforce.

When she was back she took care of things that a mom should.

Thats good, she met the bargain.

The only other thing I would like from her is to treat me with respect. This weekend she started to just order me around.

Walk away when she does this.

Everytime she did this I would stop and look at her and ask her to say please.

So please go punch yourself in the foot and jump off the cliff is ok if she says Please go punch yourself in the foot and jump off the cliff please?

She was frustrated at first because I would not do what she asked and walked away.

She would be and this is the best stance in my view. Or you could say "really" or "what was that you said?" And "please repeat that".

You can always validate her frustration "I understand this is frustrating for you and I have decide that I will be treated with respect."

She then quickly changed her tune and started to say please. She asked me why I was treating her like that and I told her it was rude that she was ordering me around and since then she always added please to every request.

It would be better to validate instead and cease to label her as rude. Talk about this from your view as in "when you speak to me like this I feel disrespected and am resistant to cooperating with you. If this continues then I will walk away to another room." This boundary is I will be respected.

I don't mind doing things I just want to be treated as an equal.

Then respect yourself and set your boundaries. You need L advice and a full evaluation for the kids I think. Kids come first. Their stability and to me it seems like you are the more stable parent for these boys and more than capable of being there for them. It still reads like rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic.

------------------------------------
Can you get extra help in real life?

Mari

[sandi2]

As my DB coach has stated, get her to negotiate with me. Although she has seen changes in me, I have seen changes in her also. Although it may not seem that negotiating is the right thing to do, it has drawn her back to the marital home to do her duty as a mother even though it may not be full time.

Negotiate what?

I am wondering if you are misunderstanding something we have said.

I understand negotiations. I went back to read your post about your W again. I saw no negotiations. I saw her telling you how it would be, period. Maybe you left part of it out, but I didn't see where you were telling her anything. I didn't see where she was agreeing to anything. What was negotiated? She told you she had to have her weekends free to go back to Canada. I didn't see the two of you really reconciling, she shed some tears and the two of you had sex, and she just told you how things would be.

Listen Jim, I have been active on this board for nine years, and I have watched WW's twist things around and make the LBH feel that he is guilty for breaking up the family and all the while she is the one who is wayward and living as though she is not a married lady and the mother of children! Look at this:

At this point she is still very angry with me as she continues to blame me for keeping her away from her baby and states she will never forgive me for that. How do you get someone to forgive?

She left without her baby, did she not? That was the choice she made! She was willing to break apart the children! Now she is telling you that she will never forgive you for keeping her away from her baby? All she had to do was go home! And you immediately act as though it is all your fault and wanting her to forgive you. That's odd, b/c at the time, you thought you were doing what was best, didn't you? So why, now, are you willing to cow down and act guilty, especially when she says she will NEVER forgive you? Let me tell you something very important here.....this woman will hold that over your head from here on out! Are you real sure you want to live in that for the rest of your life? If she has warned before she even gets back into the house, then you can expect it to be worse after she's come home.

Look, nobody here is trying to prevent you and your W from negotiating on logistics. She doesn't have to stay with you as your W. She can stay in the same town, and be there for her kids and get therapy. She didn't have to have sex with you, either, if she was just there for the sake of the kids. Tears and sex, oh boy! Works like a charm.

So, what part of all this was your negotiation?

Did you really read those links Cadet sent you?

My suggestion is to get your head on straight, and tell her you think the two of you went a little fast and need to talk and think some more about what will be expected if she moves back into the home.

[sandi2]

Are you still with us, Jim?

[J5K]

Hi Sandi,

Apologize, been a little busy.

This is definitely a roller coaster ride.

W is still up and down. We went to MC and it was a complaint session. Not what I had hoped for. She had nothing good to say about me. We both went a few days later for IC. Things went OK at the sessions and then last night she discussed all the upgrades that she made on the new house and then was upset with me because she has not seen the papers to dismiss the D. L finally got back to me today and said she would file on Monday. W still says she wants D. Guess she will have to file again for it to happen or not sign the dismissal. I am done with the roller coaster. Still waiting to hear about my move to Toronto. HR is dragging their feet to get back to me.

She will always find fault in me and there is nothing I can do about that. I thanked her for making me realize who I am and told her that she is now in charge of the fate of the family.

My happiness will come from knowing who I am and doing what I can for me and the boys. Don't need her approval. She will have to figure out how to raise them on her own.

Have another session of MC this Thursday and DB coaching session tomorrow morning.

I will miss my boys dearly and hope they will understand when they are older that I did all I could for them.

All I can say is this next week will be interesting.

My heart is broken and anxiety comes and goes by the minute. Time will heal all those feelings. I hope sooner than later.

[sandi2]

I am not sure what you are really saying. You are moving to Toronto, okay. Are you and W going to stay under the same roof....in a new house....but not as man & wife? But you said you would miss the boys, so I am confused.

What are the plans for Jim?