2 good days and I fk it up with R talk - I can't get these damn emotions under control.
Ugh, I can't even bring myself to type out what the conversation was like. I don't love this man. I love the idea of him and who he used to be, I love the moments I see when he is that person. I'm now seeing him differently - incredibly fake. Everything he tells me is contradictory. He actually told me last night the reason he couldn't get back with me is because of my "attitude" because I'm such a negative person.
Took every OUNCE of discipline not to laugh in this idiots face. Yes honey, I'm the negative one. I used to be, sure. He's never taken a minute to get to know who I've become in his absence and it disgusts me.
I don't want to be with him. I don't want to save this marriage Or start another relationship with him He kind of [censored] guys
I don't feel like I'm saying that because I'm angry or my feelings are hurt. Really.
I'm an intellectual - I love deep conversations, I love having them with people about life, love, everything. I love science, quantum mechanics and theoretical physics that breathe life to the unanswerable questions of our world. I love trying new things, anything really. I love learning.
He likes video games.
That's it. Well, now he likes that and being a jerk.
I don't want that. I want someone who can hold down a conversation with me and make me think. Who's interested in what I say and doesn't just look at me cross eyed. I want so much more than what I can get with this man.
But, I'm angry.
Being a single parent is all I've really known for the past 3 years of Ds life. He's never truly been there, he's never really cared. It's always been me juggling the balls and keeping things together. But I'm angry about it. I'm so pissed that he gets to ditch us and move on with a clean break.
I'm angry, but I'm done.
Back to the DB drawing board. DB for me right now, 180 and GAL so I survive this without sending him 6 feet under, cold and alone where he wants to be.
He's angry too. He can't even listen to how I feel and tell me anything good without getting pissy. Arms crossed, voice raised. I've never seen him like this. I don't want it anymore.
I guess I should thank him for making it easier for me.
After last night with him telling me things like the reason he can't get back together, or work on the future with me is because he doesn't like my ATTITUDE. He literally said I'm too NEGATIVE! OH MY GOD guys if you could have seen him say this to me...so unbelievable. He is just looking for these little things to nit pick me with. It's INCREDIBLE. I really had to try not to laugh and be disgusted at the same time. I just looked at him with such pity...I pity the FOOL, and let me tell you...he is a FOOL.
I woke up this morning and said, NO MORE CRYING. No more showing weakness. NONE.
I had a great day - sang in the shower, danced to music with D4 while he moped around. We went shopping and had lunch...
A mom and her kids were being bratty, and he looked at me and said "you look like you're so annoyed" because of them. I thought to myself...this is just my face. LOL. I wasn't annoyed, I could care less...but HE was annoyed. He was short tempered with D4 eating and she's always been a fussy eater. I don't pressure her, I hate pressuring food on any child and he knows that. He raises his voice and she cries. She's sensitive. He knows this....but it's like, he just doesn't care about those little things about her. It's all about him, all the time.
We did some grocery shopping, came back to the house. I suggested and we went to the park with D4.
Now, the day is over...he's sitting on another chair in the same room with me. We both have headphones on. He's typing away, I'm sure to his BFFs on the other side of the world. Ugh, I don't know why I care.
He actually told me that they - the people he spent time with overseas - meant more to him than myself and our daughter. How does that happen? Is it time, the distance? How do we become less than family?
180 and GAL. That's all I can do for now. Literally all I can handle. If there is someone else, I'll find out the truth soon enough. Right now my focus is just D4 and myself. How to prepare for my future and hers because she is special needs, and will need to have SOMEONE looking out for her future....especially because there's nobody else who can, or will.
Going back to the rules, the golden rules of this board. I say this over and over again and I don't commit. I never commit to anything. That's a 180. Fully commit...to myself, to GAL, to 180, to D4...FULLY.
Going back to the rules, the golden rules of this board. I say this over and over again and I don't commit. I never commit to anything. That's a 180. Fully commit...to myself, to GAL, to 180, to D4...FULLY.
YES YES YES omay so I NEED TO DO THIS TOO. I half commit to everything in life. From today on we both need to fully commit. No more half A commitments!
For me to GAL and 180 in the best interest of D4, I'm moving back across the country in a week or so and am going to live with his family. Call me crazy, call me stupid...but we both agreed it's a good idea financially and for D4. For me, it'll be awkward...especially since he mentions bringing someone home in the future and it possibly being weird. Whatever. That's a while from now.
So, I feel good.
I'm not weak and I think he forgot that until today.
I'm proud of myself for not crying so much, for showing him my fierce side, my don't take no crap side...but I'm still reasonable, and still smart as hell.
He's going to live alone, and he needs that. I need to GAL and 180 in the sunshine, the warmth and happiness that I need to get myself back together.
I realized today, I gave up too much of myself to be this man's wife and I wasn't fulfilled by that and neither was he. Time to start over, move forward. Not for an R with anyone else, or an R with him right now, but an R with myself.
WHO AM I after all this time? What do I like? What do I want?
I'm going to figure this stuff out this year. I'm going to GAL.
I'm glad you feel good. I can not wait to see what an amazing person you are going to become. I hope you will still stay on here and keep us updated on your gal and 180s with your move! I do not have much advice right now jusg love and well wishes that everything is going to be okay.
Sorry to hear you've been having such a hard time roar. I really like your last post and the direction you are going with it. If the R doesn't get saved, you at least need to save yourself. Start taking those actions.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
My WAH is, and has always been a nice guy and because he doesn't want to stay M to me doesn't mean that he's a "bad guy"
I need to be honest with myself and take a good hard look in the mirror. I'm not the person I want to be right now. I'm not a person I'd even want to be around. Yes, given my situation of course it's going to be hard but I think the biggest thing for me right now is I don't want to look back on this time and wish I hadn't been so miserable.
Punishing WAH with my bad attitude doesn't do anything for either of us.
So, over and done with that. My goal for the next 8 days before flying out is to get control over that by stopping myself when I feel angry, and thinking more before I speak. I said I wanted to be intentional about what I say and I haven't been. I really need to work on that.
As far as the D goes, there's no changing the WAH's mind on it. I've accepted that aspect of it. I read here that the D is just a piece of paper, and we determine our relationship. I'd like to have a great relationship with him again...and I don't want it to feel like it's constant work to get there. My goals there will be to: stop holding the past against him (what he's said/done that I didn't like) and start treating him like I would a friend...
I miss him though and that's the hard part - I miss the part of him that was mine. The physical affection. If I could go back and do things over, all over again...and do them right with this man I would. He is, and sometimes it pains me to say it, a wonderful guy. I need to remember that when my head and my thoughts get in the way.
