Checking In

[Underdog]

Ginger,

Sometimes these relationships are meant to teach us. Teach what? 1) That it is possible for you to find love with someone who loves you back (huge, in my book); and 2) There are teaching moments with ourselves as well - like stating your needs (boundaries).

I'm sure we both came from different, dark places. In my past, I'd have made his behavior as the reason I was unhappy. Somewhere along the line, I learned that he was behaving out of a place of fear (as your fella seems to be doing) and not to bug me but because he was genuinely fearful. I accepted that, but I wouldn't accept the disrespectful manner. So I stepped up to the plate and said, "I need straight communication from you and for you to ask clearly for what you want. If this isn't possible, I need to know." And then I'd sit back and see if anything changed. Then I was free to act on that.

Hear hear to feeling better!

After not feeling well all day yesterday, I realized the skin on my abdomen hurt. Kind of like a rash was developing or something... until I lifted my shirt and saw the telltale shingles blisters. There are only 3 so far, but my skin hurts like hell. I can't take the antivirals (they cause my heart rate to speed up to dangerous levels), so I'm stuck with feeling crappy for the next 4-6 weeks. My clothes are going to hurt - especially pants. I live in pants. This is the opposite side to where I got them in 2012.

Today is my now D22's birthday. Hard to believe. D18's birthday is next week. For her celebration, she has an EEG scheduled. I'm sure we're all going to be happy then.

So remember when you talk to him: it's not about how he's behaving, it's about how you feel. Once you do that and word it that way, you're a whole lot more likely to get honesty in return.

[Ginger1]

Bets, it's like you knew what transpired this morning
Today, I did ask for what I wanted, and explained my needs. And he told me he couldn't give me what I needed so he said he can't see it working. He didn't want to live with the guilt of not fulfilling my needs.

I'm heartbroken and devastated. I've just been crying at work. But I am proud of myself that I didn't try to stop him. Tell him I will settle for just what he could give me. I wasn't asking for a lot. Just some effort in seeing me and making time for me. But he can't, he won't, work, distance, whatever. I was going to break it off myself if he couldn't give a little more. But always in the back of my head, I hoped he would want to. I can't make him see the light, like I couldn't make ex, like I couldn't make a different guy I dated, and I shouldn't have to. And right on, bets, I told him this is how I feel. Didn't make a difference. But it made a difference to me. I expressed some needs to have some compromise in effort to make this work.

he was my first love since ex, and in the short time, I think I felt more connected to him than ex. I am going to miss him horribly. I feel awful for the kids, there was a special bond formed in every direction. One that you can only pray for as a single parent trying to date. I took this picture on vacation on the beach at sunset with him and the girls, one in each hand running down the beach and the way D8 was looking up at him makes me cry every time I look at it.

I've dealt with heartbreak before, I'll just deal again. But I'll tell you this much, I think I'm done dating until D8 is atleast 16. This single parent dating with young kids is too much.

Happy Birthday to D22! I could have sworn she just turned 21 like a few months ago! I am sorry about the shingles, I know they can be very painful. I would say elastic waistbands and a bandage to cover them up. And try the best to decrease stress, because that's when they pop up. R&R and celebrating national margarita day might do.

[Underdog]

Ginger,

Sending virtual hugs your way. I know that conversation hurt, and I know it was hard to hear.

I think splitting up with the person I was with for a couple years after my D was super hard too. In some ways, harder than the D. I completely understand how devastated you are.

But I'm really proud of you for standing up for yourself. Your needs are important, and there is nothing you can do if someone else isn't willing to make a situation improve or compromise if they want to be with you.

I wouldn't be surprised at all if he comes back in a few months and says he's changed his mind. It will be up to you if that happens.

But I'll tell you this much, I think I'm done dating until D8 is at least 16. This single parent dating with young kids is too much.

I made that same decision for the exact same reason. Only I said 18. At 16, D22 was in the heart of her club volleyball stuff, being recruited, and I was kicking her in the a$$ to get her moving on college selections (she was super resistant). It was a full time job!!! I had no more energy to be with anyone else during this time, because this seemed to be the time in her life when she needed me the most. (That surprised the heck out of me, BTW. You always think that little kids need their mom the most.) I was like her project manager, and she was so busy with school, taking the SAT, that kind of stuff.

Now here I am. My D18 turns 19 next week, and what I value the most are my friendships. I really enjoy making plans with friends and doing stuff with and for them. Who'd have known? Give me a margarita with my friends... ANY.DAY. Not saying you'll make that choice, but I am a fan of being present for the kids. Not if the parent is truly unhappy. But I think a sacrifice is for the greater good.

You'll have the good memories to take with you, Ginger. Those are yours to keep and cherish.

[whatisis]

Hugs G, the best thing is that you now know you can love again!

[Ginger1]

Thanks guys. It has been a rough day. I fell asleep early last night and woke up at 12am. I as exhausted at work and had to sleep in my car at lunch. I'm sad. Just very sad. For many reasons. Especially for gabby who just couldn't stop talking about him when I picks her up yesterday. She compared her dad to him. And painted him in the positive light ( as we know, ex can be a self-esteem deflating douche, and he's being like that with D8 again). She wrote in her journal about our vacation and particularly him, and asked if we could go to his house this weekend. I cried because I'm a poopy mom and she figured it out. I splined it to her well though.

For once, I am not tempted to each out to him. But I do wish he would reach out to me wanting to give me the little I ask for. But that is simply wishful thinking. I cannot compromise my needs which are not extraordinary.

I got to love again. I tend to love to hard. And I do that to people who can't/won't reciprocate. I see my IC tomorrow and I need it. She's very comforting yet keeps me real. The tears pop out of no where. I'm not good at breaking up.

I just miss him. But there is nothing I can do about it, but feel it, move on, and take my memories with me.

Good news is I got my yearly review at work today and it was really good. Which equals decent raise. Unless our new CEO took those away. My only not perfect area was productivity, which I know is because I've been doing schoolwork during work ( I know, I know) and my job is so darn boring, I have to look away every now and then. I've also been doing well in school despite the balance. I've got a little break and will be back next Monday.

Now, I need to get my butt in shape with exercise that won't bore me or her site anymore of my disks. Taking kickboxing away From me now is no good......

[Ginger1]

His daughter also left a bunch of stuff here, and I'm going to just mail it back without a word. I've been putting it together and I get so sad. I'm going to miss her.

This is why I can't do this again until D8 is older. I'm a bad mom for letting this even happen before having a commitment

[Underdog]

You're so not a bad mom! Okay, so now you know why the experts advise waiting one year before introducing a SO to your kids.

Use this time as a teaching opportunity to your D8. Show her how to manage a breakup. Be vulnerable without putting her in the position of being your confidante, but be real with her. It will come in handy some day.

Hugs-
Betsey

[Ginger1]

Thanks Bets. I don't partincularly believe in the year rule, because I think if the kids don't like eachother or the other partner, you are better off finding out sooner, rather than later. However, I should have waited until there was more of a commitment to the future for us. It was my mistake and I have certainly learned. I've definitely sued this as a teaching experience for D8. I am proud of how I handled that portion.

Funny, I found out he doesn't think we are broken up. However, I haven't heard from his since. But I had a tear free day yesterday. It helps that I have learned how to value myself.

How are you feeling Bets?

[KGirl]

Hi Ginger - sounds like we have some similar situations right now. My first BF after D broke up with me a month ago after I voiced concern that he wouldn't tell me why he was "busy" (still trying to wrap my head around that one - details in my thread) and he responded that he felt too constrained and couldn't give me what I wanted so he didn't see this working. I have a lot of the same feelings - glad that I communicated my wants/needs, proud that I didn't give in and lower my standards or try to beg him to stay with me or convince him, but also really sad that he wasn't interested or invested enough as I was to take what seems like a small step up in communication/sharing (when I felt like I was already making a ton of effort and prioritizing the relationship). I am still not coping well and it's always in the back of my mind - the woulda shoulda couldas, how did I get 6 months in and not realize we weren't going to be a good fit, could we have been a good fit and I just blew it up by not being independent enough, etc. I hope you're doing better than I am and fill me in on any tips you have

[Underdog]

Ginger-

I think that "year" thing is meant to be a milestone mark to see how serious things are - the commitment thing. I agree that the calendar shouldn't dictate that, but maybe the commitment should? I dunno... it's water under the bridge for me at this point.

BTW, I'm feeling ok. It's been so dry here, and yesterday I woke up with a bloody nose. So I decided to declare it work from home day and called it a day before it began. That way, I could wear comfy clothes for the shingles. They're not nearly as bad as my first round, and right now, my skin hurts, but the blisters itch. Lovely visualization for you?

Kgirl... the first serious R we enter after a D (especially if we haven't done enough self work and healing) is the one that trips us up. We're vulnerable, on the needy side, and willing to give more than we should. You sound like someone who meets all this criteria.

I got some good advice from a friend back then to learn how to date this time around and pay attention. You're much younger than I am, and have already been D, so I'm guessing you don't have experience really dating? I didn't do this when I was younger, so I had to learn this in my 40s: dating is the time when you should be trying on lots of shoes without buying for awhile. Pay attention to the fit. If the shoe is not 100% comfortable, put them back on the rack!

You sound like you need some self work on a few things: 1) your self confidence; 2) self worth; 3) and repairing your filters. The last one I think would help you with 1 and 2.

If you find that the two of you communicate poorly, figure out why. If you make changes and he doesn't respond, he's not going to change. If you excuse him for treating you more poorly than his friends, it's a red flag. Why would you agree to that? If you prioritize the R more than him, why would you want to be in a R with a taker?

There are a slew of great book resources out there. I'm going to throw this out there because it's my origin. I don't know your story, so please understand it's coming through my filter. I made excuses for others because I grew up in a very codependent household with a drug addict brother. My mom (primarily) moved the bar for him. We wouldn't accept crappy behavior or accept friends that stole from us, but we would write his behavior off because he was family. NO! Codependence is a devaluing formula, and it is not healthy or productive, and it causes suffering if we don't cure it.

I went to Al Anon for several years just to get a handle on my codependence. Melody Beattie has a great book, and I highly suggest it for this reason. I've observed a lot of filter damage (not paying attention to and acting on red flags) where codependence is a problem.

Promise yourself to fix you before you get into another R. You deserve a happy, healthy and fulfilling relationship, and you're going to have to prepare that garden before you ever start planting seeds.

Your personal foundation should consist of some type of mission statement. Who are you? What purpose do you want for yourself? How would you map out a purpose driven life? If you can identify that blueprint and devote your time and effort into creating that life, you are going to find your independence, self confidence, and you're going to be a healthy long term R prospect. BTW, Rick Warren has a great book on this, and there are workshops. Imagine your horizons being broad, with endless possibilities. Feed your soul. Everything else is the cherry on top. Have an intimate R with yourself and see how much happier you are...

Dream big and go make it happen.

Betsey