Help!

[Vapo]

Detachment IMO is a process and it takes time. IMO you can be sweet as honey, but will be seen by WAW as a plan B at best, if everything else fails, if you know what I mean. I don't want to be plan B to anyone, I deserve somebody wnating to be with me, no someone who "settles" for me, because her A option is not available.

Believe me, I know where you are talking from and it [censored] big time. It's a terrible thing to be concerned for someone who does not give a rat's ass about us and hoping they will come around.

Do not preoccupy yourself with how detached should you get, you will know when it's enough, and it it enough, when it stops hurting and it takes months to get there...

[CWOL]

It's almost enough...

Since D-Day she's been trying to make *me* the bad guy. I've been doing my best, being helpful and doing all the tasks she wanted me to do before D-Day, like doing the laundry and all the dishes, etc. She's almost stopped cooking entirely and I've been buying meals for the three of us to eat. Whenever I do nice things, her comment was, "It just reminds me of the things you never did before."

It's crazy when she works 15 hours a week and I do 50+ hours.

[Thornton]

I recommend reading Sandi's threads. She says you can't "nice" them back into a relationship with you.

[Vapo]

I recommend reading Sandi's threads. She says you can't "nice" them back into a relationship with you.

Nope, you sure as hell can't. In fact it just pisses them off. Don't do it. Stand up for yourself, please remember you do not have anything to lose, what is she going to do, leave you?

[CWOL]

Thanks guys, it is very different from the advice I have received up to this point from other forums. In fact, it is 180 degree difference.

I really need to think hard as to what I am doing.

[1313]

1313, why in god's name are you still helping her out. I see what you are trying to pull of, but it will not work. Time to grow some cojones. Your W lost the respect for you and you doing her favors will not win her back, you will just look pathetic in her eyes. SHE NEEDS TO RESPECT YOU AGAIN if you should stand ANY chance of a new relationship with your W.

I'm in the interesting situation that the W's assistant is acting as some sort of sick proxy. I have to beg to get access to the house. So today, the assistant meets me. She has no idea that I know the W is gone out of town. Now I know that she has a niece/nephew house sitting - she was playing dumb about the meds on the kitchen counter and the spare bedroom in full use.

So, yesterday she's calling me wanting her password for her email. I tell her that's none of my business. She can't understand (or won't) why the system admin wouldn't have everyone's password. I tell her all I did was enter it, tell her to write it down and after that it's her problem. Then, she wants me to give her my admin password. To the point of harassment. She really rubs people the wrong way, and isn't bright enough to remember anything you try to relay to her.

Thing is - I remember her password. I even gave her the password - by telling her "have you tried your name? Different ways? Upper and lower case?" Apparently, she hasn't. I also know the reason that her outlook isn't working is that they bought a new PC (sort of like buying a new car because the old one needs an oil change) to replace the one I built for her, to which I'm still the administrator. Apparently, their IT guy hasn't got it working yet. After all, everything I did was a staff position according to the W.

So, I told the ass (assistant for short) that the W had taken me off of the wireless account, I can no longer log in to pay my bill, and have to go and get my account straightened out (a 20 minute drive) in person. I have to look out for me, not you. Good luck. Love to help you - but the W took care of that.

So, I'm not really rolling over on this. Honestly, I could screw them over like nobody's business. I could literally turn off the W's email and put her out of business. I could have turned off their office subscription if I had wanted - I believe she was wise enough to change the password on that. But I still own the domains, and administrate the emails. But at this point I'd rather take care of myself and disconnect as much as I possibly can.

[CWOL]

I think Vapo is right in your situation, you should definitely Detach if she is treating you so poorly, if she is not paying you a salary.

Don't sabotage anything though, because that may come back to bite you later in divorce. Keep your cards close until when you need to use them.

[sandi2]

Since D-Day she's been trying to make *me* the bad guy. I've been doing my best, being helpful and doing all the tasks she wanted me to do before D-Day, like doing the laundry and all the dishes, etc. She's almost stopped cooking entirely and I've been buying meals for the three of us to eat. Whenever I do nice things, her comment was, "It just reminds me of the things you never did before."

Those things are her excuses she fed you and being her maid will not attract her back to you. In fact, if you have a WW, you will not be able to please her, so why not do what works?

[Vapo]

It is imperative no one be Richard (dick). Be pleasant but only to a level of meeting a neighbor.

As far as detaching goes WE ALL should detach. Guys, I' am afraid you have a wrong idea about detachment. It is not hating the W and being a total dick about it, it is detaching from the outcome, letting go so to say. You can still love your W, but detaching means that you recognize W's right to lead her life, do her thing, but you shelve those feelings and take care of yourself... And you stop worrying about the outcome and about your wife. You can't control your wife, you never could, the only person we can control is ourselves...

[CWOL]

Sounds easy but it's the exact opposite of how I led my life for the past 20 years.
It'll be quite am adjustment.