Help!

[JulieH]

Hi cwol

What did you mean by detachment vs engagement? In what ways was engagement recommended?

[CWOL]

Hi cwol

What did you mean by detachment vs engagement? In what ways was engagement recommended?

Advice I received elsewhere was to engage WW, even after she leaves. Not to be a doormat, but to be a strong husband and father. If she needs help with her computer, go over to her apartment and fix it. If her car breaks down, go and help her out. Being positive and try to show her that I'm a good provider and husband, etc.

I've been doing this after D-Day but it hasn't gotten me anywhere. She's totally fogged out by her 18 year long affair so I am thinking about adopting Detachment as recommended here.

[CWOL]

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

I do not believe it is available electronically,
you can start the first chapter in my first post.

Got it, ordered a hard copy via Amazon.

[Mowgli]

Do what works!

I know it seems counter intuitive, but Detaching really does work, Especially with a WW.

Everyone here always thinks the their sitch is somehow different from all the others; I know I did. I found out rather quickly that it was EXACTLY the same...

Work on you, develop the relationship with your son, and become a man only a fool would leave.

I know you don't want to believe that this could possibly work, but you just need to remember to put the focus on you; that's what detaching is for.

If you focus on yourself and your son, then whatever happens with WW you know that you will be okay.

there is so much great info on this board. Sandi2 has amazing insight into the mindset of the WW. read job's thread in MLC on detachment and toxic relationships...

Remember YOU don't deserve to be treated like this, but YOU also can't control HER actions. You can only decide how you will react to them...

Find that inner strength and strap in for a long, rough ride... if you take the advice here, you'll come out of it a better, stronger man regardless of the marital outcome, I promise!

[1313]

Wow, similar in many ways to my dilemma. Although not the same person, my W has been a serial offender. Her denial was that she didn't consider an EA the same as a PA, so it wasn't really an A at all. Of course, that changed - and she considered herself free and clear the second she filed and started her PA in earnest. Although it really had already started she can at least say she's legally separated so it's morally ok.

You've got the advantage of still being in contact with her. I've been completely cut out - no communication except to beg to get into the house.

There seems to be some disagreement here as to how much you do actually engage. Since I acted as the IT person for my W and her assistant, I was helping with their problems after the split. But the weird passive-aggressive assistant made me crazy. So, I suppose I'll help, but I'm not sure my W would ever even know. The only stuff that the assistant conveys to her is the bad, and none of the good.

[CWOL]

Wow, similar in many ways to my dilemma. Although not the same person, my W has been a serial offender. Her denial was that she didn't consider an EA the same as a PA, so it wasn't really an A at all. Of course, that changed - and she considered herself free and clear the second she filed and started her PA in earnest. Although it really had already started she can at least say she's legally separated so it's morally ok.

You've got the advantage of still being in contact with her. I've been completely cut out - no communication except to beg to get into the house.

There seems to be some disagreement here as to how much you do actually engage. Since I acted as the IT person for my W and her assistant, I was helping with their problems after the split. But the weird passive-aggressive assistant made me crazy. So, I suppose I'll help, but I'm not sure my W would ever even know. The only stuff that the assistant conveys to her is the bad, and none of the good.

My WW had the first EA seven months after we got married. She was sneaking out to Kinkos to email the OM. I found out by accident when I was looking out my browser.

Looking at the email they restarted at least 9 years ago. There were only sporadic emails on birthdays, etc. but obviously the emotion attachment was there (and thus detaching from ME). The latest flare up is after OM went through his SECOND divorce. There were 211 emails between them from October to November, when I caught her.

The advantage I have is the OM lives on another continent half a day away. I heard her conversation with him, and the weasel said, "I wish I could be there for you, but unfortunately my family obligations won't allow me to leave here." So she really has nothing there, just a fantasy. He is fanning the flames into thinking she has a horrible marriage.

Friends who know about this think she is an idiot. So now she is revising history to tell people what a horrible husband I was/am. Problem is, most of them know me and how I behalf with DS and her. They know I'm a loving doting father and I am a great provider for the family. So WW even told me once when she tells people the things that went wrong in our marriage, most adds up to trivial petty things that made no sense to people. I have made my share of mistakes but none that deserves the Affair.

[daybyday]

Sorry you are here. I love the revisionist history that they ALL write to justify their behavior. Very sad. It's hard not to feed into it. But most of it is just normal human dynamics of a couple that they have overblown to suit their needs. It's a shame what the ww and waw want to throw away. I was here before and got her to recommit. Now I am back after getting complacent after having some bad things happen to both parents and getting depressed and yadayadayada. But this time I am starting to get it. You can't love someone the way that YOU think they should be loved, it has to be the way that they need to be loved. Again not justifying any actions by the WW or WAW, just a personal revelation. All we can do is stay positive that things will work out and literally work out. It can happen though, but sitting, and wishing won't get it done. It is an exhausting effort. One that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. But this board is great for spirit lifting. Take solace in it and I wish luck as I continue to follow your posts.

[Cristy]

Hello CWOL,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

Detaching is key to the DB process. It may seem counter intuitive, but that is ok! Put your time, effort and energy into being the best CWOL and Dad that only a fool would leave. Do it for YOU!

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Vapo]

Right or wrong, they are her feelings and she is intitled to them. And do not go fooling yourself that just because she hasn't jumped the guy's bones you are any less over. Women take EA DEAD serious. If she's allowed herself to EA, PA is no biggie for her. Rest assured.

1313, why in god's name are you still helping her out. I see what you are trying to pull of, but it will not work. Time to grow some cojones. Your W lost the respect for you and you doing her favors will not win her back, you will just look pathetic in her eyes. SHE NEEDS TO RESPECT YOU AGAIN if you should stand ANY chance of a new relationship with your W.

And both of you, you will have to come to the conclusion that your marriage is dead, gone, kaput and it is not coming back. That is not to say that a new relationship will not emerge, but it will be a while, a long while, think years, not days or week. Seek Sandy's thread, it will open so many eyes to you.

Please do not think I am being a dick, I do know what I am talking about.

Stay strong guys...

[CWOL]

Right or wrong, they are her feelings and she is intitled to them. And do not go fooling yourself that just because she hasn't jumped the guy's bones you are any less over. Women take EA DEAD serious. If she's allowed herself to EA, PA is no biggie for her. Rest assured.

I'm very aware of that. They were boyfriends/girlfriends before I came in the picture 20 years ago. So they've had sex then. The OM's family rejected my WW and that's why they broke up. So now, after two divorces, OM is playing her again. She's got an idealized vision of him as her first "true love" (she's only had one boyfriend before him in high school, and then I came after OM). She is conveniently forgetting that he never stood by her and already has two broken marriages under his belt, with two kids to boot. Plus he's not serious about her anyway, not moving here. At most they could meet if he makes a trip out here.

But I get you, the most important thing is to get her to earn her respect back. The thing I'm struggling with now is how much Detachment? Other people have advised me to be cool, but if she calls with needs (fix her computer, fix her car, etc.) help her out. Let her see what a great/useful guy I am to have around.

However, Sandi's thread seems to indicate just play it cool and completely detach from her... Let her go find someone to fix her computer, internet, shower, etc.

My question is, to what degree do I Detach?