What the heck is this?

[2Times2Many]

In all seriousness, that phone call with h has been bugging me big time.

For years ... since MLC, Part 1 ... I've put up with that kind of behavior from h. I can recall many, many times when he's gone off on me in front of family or, worse, employees when I didn't deserve his wrath. I had done nothing wrong and couldn't fix whatever he was ranting about even if I wanted to. So I would just zip my lips and take it.

I've never been confrontational at all and for the past few years have done whatever it takes to keep the peace because I (mistakenly) thought that if I didn't rock the boat things would improve between me and h.

So I sent h a text telling him I made every effort (and I do) not to interfere with his life there, but there may be times that I can't avoid it. I told him I was sorry that he had to be "on call" during his down time but as his day was ending, ours was just beginning. I reminded him that I had to do the same when I was away from the office during business hours. (This is his f'ing business he's dumped in my lap.)

I told him I appreciated his quick apology but I didn't think I deserved to be treated the way he treated me. I told h that if a similar sitch arises in the future I would appreciate it if he would remember that I wouldn't be invading his private time unless it was absolutely necessary. Then I wished him a good day.

The more I thought about that phone call, the more I thought that it was totally disrespectful and that I deserved more appreciation and respect for what I was doing. I was trying to handle an issue that he usually dealt with and he knew that and he knew I would have questions and need help.

I decided to lay down a boundary ... I won't let him treat me like that. I think he's gotten that as far as "in person" but he needs to realize that I mean all the time. I deserve to be treated with nothing less than the same respect he would give any casual friend.

It's actually a 180 for me ... to stand up for myself and say I don't have to put up with this.

He can treat his skanks in whatever way they will put up with, but I'm not going to let him treat me like crap when I don't have to.

That may not be good DBing, but it's my boundary. I've given him the freedom to live his life in whatever way he wants (and he's apparently taking full advantage of that) but that doesn't mean I don't deserve as least as much respect as he would give the next door neighbor.

Okay, end of rant!

Sorry.

[2Times2Many]

I didn't include that part about this being his business in his test message. I haven't gone that far off the reservation!

[2Times2Many]

I guess I didn't go too far off the DBing reservation.

H replied to my text with another apology and expanded "explanation."

I waited a couple of hours and replied "It's all good."

He called shortly after. He went to more apologies and explanations and said he knew that call was bothering me. He said I knew he was trying to work on that kind of behavior and was still working on it but he wasn't there yet. He said, "I'm trying." I validated.

He told me he knew I tried not to bother him and said he also knew there would always be things we had to contact him about. He said not feel like I'm bothering him and added, "In fact, I want you to bother me."

I realize that his whole lifestyle is disrespectful to me and our M and but I feel like he can at least speak to me respectfully, particularly when he has no reason to do otherwise.

I simply refuse to be the wall he throws his plates at when things don't go his way or people don't behave the way he wants or when reality invades his fantasy life. Maybe he got the message.

Now, off to enjoy my day.

[2Times2Many]

A bummer day today.

As I mentioned earlier, h is moving to a new apartment. He says it's because there are structural issues with the building he is currently in and major repairs have to be done, but I don't know if that is true or not. He's mentioned several times in the past that he was thinking about moving.

Anyway, I awoke this morning to a text saying he had signed a lease on a new place and asked me to wire the funds from our bank to the landlord. He's paying the full amount up front and based on the amount I wired, it looks as though the lease is for a year. I don't intend to ask.

I know leases can be broken and that being there a year is not written in stone, but this just bites! In his old place he could have picked up and left anytime, but this new one ... IDK.

Anyway, I'm sitting here thinking, great ... another year of this!

It took a while to nail down what was in MY best interest and regardless of the R issues, where I'm at is the right place for now. I am happy with me and content with my life at the moment and no longer have thoughts about throwing in the towel. I'm good with where I am.

But this sitch gets under my skin.

I think what bugs me the most is I had to help him set things up by handling the wire for him. I feel like I'm just helping him keep his fantasy life alive. I know I could have said no but I don't feel like that would have been wise and would have set any progress we have made way, way back.

I also don't like feeling used and that's kind of how I feel right now. I try to remind myself that he has to do this and giving him the freedom to do it is the right thing to do. I feel like the fantasy life is a necessary evil in order for him to complete the journey.

But at the same time, I feel like it will only take him longer if life isn't difficult or a little uncomfortable. I wonder if stepping in and helping him more or less maintain his current lifestyle is the wrong thing to do? Will that just make it take longer for him to realize that I am worth coming home to. I sure don't want to lengthen this process!

I'm trying to keep in mind the progress we've made recently ... I'm no longer the enemy, he no longer dwells on all the things I "did" to make him unhappy, we're becoming more friendly, he's said some very nice things to and about me the past couple of months (when I didn't unexpectedly interrupt his life there), he recognizes he needs to fix himself and get help ... which he has done and is doing.

There's a lot of positive there I think?? It makes me wonder if enabling him to continue to live as he has is beneficial to the whole sitch? I have no idea, but such is the territory, I suppose.

OMG ... I'm beginning to sound like my brain is scrambled.

The one thing I do know for sure is I need to dig down for another big helping of patience so I can try to sit quietly by.

Good news is I have some time off scheduled for the end of the week. I foresee some major retail therapy on the agenda.

[BrightFuture]

2T, I have some thoughts to post here. I’m just too tired right now. I will try to post tomorrow. I just want to say now is that I can relate to your feelings and thoughts. I’ve being going through similar “motions” recently. Hang in there… You don’t need to decide anything right now.

[peacetoday]

2 Times

Its a hard choice
If we are there 2 much, we make it easy, but the relationship stays calm
If we pull away or ask too much and make it more difficult, they may withdraw more
I think it is best to do what feels right for you
If you are having good interactions and things seems calm between you and you see progress ,,then it may be worth waiting it out
It sounds like you want to go in this direction

In reality, there is no where to go anyway-except to take care of yourself
creating new activities, making plans with friends, meditating
whatever brings you closer to peace
In time you will know more and which direction it will go
Hang in there

[2Times2Many]

Bright, Thank you for stopping by. I know you've had similar thoughts about how much to do for your h. Finding the right balance is difficult and it seems to change with the wind.

Peace, it does seem to be a choice between calm and chaos sometimes. I think my "child" surfaces every now and then and I want to start stomping my feet while I yell, "This isn't fair!"

But, you're right. I do want to go the wait it out direction and I felt really good with that until this lease business came up.

When I talked to him this morning, he was thanking me and saying he owed me a steak. He was oozing happiness over it all. I just couldn't bring myself to say, "No problem. Glad to do it." I suppose he picked up on that because he asked if I was ok. I replied that I was and I was glad I was able to help him out but if he was going to live over there he really needs to find ways to take care of this kind of stuff himself and not rely on me. I was completely calm and non-threatening, but it was obvious from his somewhat terse reply that he didn't like what I said.

(I swear, sometimes I think he's read DB. He's a master at "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm sorry that happened" and other validating statements. But his aren't meant to validate. They're meant to bring an end to the discussion and/or change the subject.)

Oh well, back to the doghouse with me.

I'm so glad I have a few days off. I feel like I lost my focus and I need to get re-centered. I suspect my beacon needs recharging. But mostly, I need to move closer to that peace you referred to. I think so often that if I had one wish and could have anything I asked for, there would be no hesitation: peace.

[2Times2Many]

Wow. A couple of really nice things happened this evening that really brightened my mood.

H uses a car service to go to and from the airport and I've met the driver (almost always the same one) many times and have even used him myself a couple of times. I haven't seen him since h moved out of the house several months ago. He called to say he was thinking about me and wanted to see how I was doing. (It's totally innocent ... nothing going on there.) I was stunned. Obviously he's figured out that things are not all wonderful with h and me and I'm just thrilled that he stepped beyond that to inquire how I was doing. I can only imagine what h has told him about the sitch.

A short while later, my MIL emailed to tell me about the Easter dinner plans for the family and wanted to know if I'd be available to join them. (H will be off in fantasy-ville, so it will just be me.) I guess that puts to rest all the garbage at Christmas about whether they wanted me to be in the family photo. I was certain that was all a load of crap from h, but never actually brought it up with the in-laws. This confirms it for me.

I was so in need of a mood-lifter and I got two in a short span.

[mleigh4]

Hi 2times. I see your point, on feeling like you are enabling. I too, until very recently actually, felt I was doing the same. I felt, if I am nice, friendly and happy with H, isn't that giving the message to him that I am A OK with his choices?

What is the alternative? Be nasty and mean? Throw out ultimatums and demands? Will that bring H closer, or push him further away? Most important, how would that leave YOU feeling?

At the end of the day, I want to feel that I was my best that day. I see my reflection of myself in my behavior, a huge life changer for me that I learned here. Who do you want to see in yourself?

I would not look at it as enabling, I would see it as being a nice person, someone only a fool would give up. If our spouses choose to continue being fools, their loss. I believe it's part of knowing we did all we could do. And we will be the ones sleeping soundly at night.

Sorry to ramble, your post took me back to a struggle I have always had. It's part of the reason I decided to try giving in to some family time...why fight it? H is a broken person right now, there is nothing I can do about it. In the meantime I choose to be my best as often as possible. As you travel through each phase of your journey, you will find what fits you best. Do what feels right.

[2Times2Many]

Oh my gosh, mleigh4! I can't tell you how much I needed to hear what you wrote in your post. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I let my focus turn from me and being/becoming the person I want to be to h and the the painful things he is doing that I have absolutely no control over. My brain really was scrambled. You unscrambled it for me.

Your post took me back to the two things that I try (not always successfully obviously) to keep in the back of my mind: That I can change the way I feel about things by changing the way I think about them (I hear my IC right now) and something I read on a post a while ago ... Can I live with it and is it the right thing to do?

I am not at all a mean or vengeful person ... never have been ... and certainly don't want to become one now. My thinking, my anger, my "woe is me" attitude was leading me in that direction and I certainly don't want to go there!

You are 100% correct. Regardless of the direction this journey leads me, I want to know that I handled it with grace, kindness and dignity.

Thank you so much, mleigh4, for picking up the 2x4 and knocking some sense back into me! I needed it.