Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11
#2653323 02/14/16 11:53 AM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
sandi2 Offline OP
OP Offline
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
I've got to break this down into several posts, so if someone responds before I get it all copied and pasted, please don't think I am ignoring you. It's a quite day around my place and I've been mostly reading posts from husbands who have a wayward wife, I am not going as far to say that every LBH who has a WW is the nice-guy type of man. I do get amazed in how many I see on the board that usually have those nice-guy traits. In all fairness to men across the board and over the years, i have definitely seen a few who were not considered the nice-guy type........they just had a WW.

Anyway, I am going to just talk about it, for anyone newcomer who may might stumble across this thread. I want to tell the readers that I am not down on anyone, and I am not trying to make enemies in saying what I do. I am not truing to be offensive, even if it is taken as so. I am expressing what I have been observing for quite some time, and I hope it won't run anyone away from the board, but I do feel strongly that it needs to be addressed.

I see many husbands as being the nice-guy type of man. The kind of man women love to have for a friend. Kind of like having a big brother to protect her and listen to her problems. Someone to hang out with, when there's nothing better to do. However, at some point in the R, she begins to lose respect for him b/c he lets her get away with bad behavior and mistreating him. I am sorry to say, gentlemen, all women will try it, and if they say they don't......she's fibbing.

The nice-guy tells himself he's "taking the high road", but really, he is being passive and avoiding confrontation, or the issues. He won't call his W out, stand up to her, hold her accountable, or let her deal with the consequences of her behavior. He tells himself it is easier to just leave it alone......keep his mouth shut and keep the peace. Only problem doesn't work. All the time he thinks he is keeping the peace through avoidance, the resentment and disrespect is brewing in the wife. She becomes more and more wayward in her heart. She begins to harbor a lot of bad feelings in her heart. It shows through her attitude, the way she talks to him and her unique style of disrespecting him. Eventually, she finds something, or someone else, to give her the thrill that was lacking in her R with her H. He wants what she thinks is a "real man". What she chooses is usually a loser and fits the term of "affairing down", b/c he is not the man her H is, much less a better man. However, he fills her head with fantasy nonsense and makes her feel sexy, young, beautiful, smart, valuable..........whatever she seems to need to hear, he's there to give her all the b.s. And if for some reason that man doesn't work out so well, she moves on to the next guy, b/c she gets that excitement and thrill of a possible new love.

The big question looming here is......what is this wayward woman's husband doing all the time she's engaging in this behavior? Personally, I am saddened at how many men continue to think everything will be okay if only he can persuade her to change her mind. Some men have their wakup call when they discover an affair, and oh boy.....they are ready to do everything they should have been doing for years! He just can't understand why his WW doesn't feel the same way. He is awake now, so what's her problem? Why can't she just give the M a chance? In his attempt to show her he's working at making the changes that she always wanted, he puts on his cape and tights and writes across his chest, "SUPER HUSBAND". SH goes into action doing everything! He works all day, comes home and does all the housework, cooks for the family, plays with the kids, gives them their baths and tucks them into bed......all the while the Princess is communicating with her latest OM. Super Husband is stirring around like a busy little bee and smiling.........watching her to see if she is noticing all that he's doing for her and how happy he is to get to do it. What he doesn't know is if she gives him a thought at all, it will be along the lines of, "If he's crazy enough to do it all, then I'm sure not going to stop him". The really ugly WW will think, "What a fool. He thinks he is impressing me, but it's too little and way too late, now. I could care less how he works his tail off, b/c it has no affect on my feelings".

This woman's heart is closed to her H. He could work himself down into the ground and it would have no affect on her feelings. Some nicer WW's might say, "Thanks", once in a while, but soon she takes it for granted and expects him to do everything. After all, she's entitled! When he serves her coffee in bed, she's entitled to it. When he compliments how great she looks, she's entitled to compliments. And when a person feels entitled, they don't really appreciate the one giving, b/c they are arrogant. And you know what really gets me? The nice-guy H who says he doesn't matter if she appreciates it or not, that he's doing it b/c he wants to do it. Of course, b/c he has the nice-guy mindset and believes eventually it will pay off.

The wayward wife is the epitome of arrogance. Everything is about her. She will step on whoever gets in her way of whatever she wants at the moment. She is a master of manipulation and will use every trick in the book to accomplish what she wants. Her desires are at the top of her priority list, and she believes it should be on everyone else's, too.

So what does a man do when his wife's heart is hardened and closed off to him? When all his nice-guy ways fail miserably, what is the next step? Well, from what I have seen in the majority of the nice-guys, their nature is to want to wait it out. WAIT IT OUT?? What exactly do they thinnewk will happen? Let me say this to all the nice-guys out there.......this is part of your problem in the MR. You are passive and you want to just wait it out about everything! You think things will eventually work itself out. If most WW's are turned anything like me, then that type of attitude of the nice-guy drives her crazy!! A nice-guy will sit on his butt and watch his WW have an A and think if he just sits around and waits it out, then everything will eventually be okay. That is the laziest's not even an approach. It's nothing! Oh, and I have seen, and maybe at some point over the last nine years I have been guilty of saying something similar..........that there is nothing he can do to control her, so............. It leaves the impression of giving him the excuse of remaining passive. No, there is plenty he can do, but does he really want to do it?

Continued on next post.

Series Links

Links to this series of threads

First thread
For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife

Second thread
For the Newcomer LBH who has a wayward wife Part 2

Third thread
For the LBH who has a WW Part 3

4th thread
Guide for LBH who has a Wayward Wife

5th thread
Help for LBH who has a WW

6th thread (this thread)
Sandi's reflections

Last edited by Cadet; 02/15/16 08:16 AM. Reason: Links

It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
sandi2 Offline OP
OP Offline
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
So, let me calm down and get back to what a nice-guy should do when he
is faced with a WW.  There are three areas, at least, that I have seen
these wayward wives have in common.  First comes resentment, and
there's no telling how many years it has been building.  The H can't
do very much about how she feels toward things that has happened in
the past.  All he can do is deal with the things in the present, and
if he is aware of issues that cause her resentment.....and if he is
causing it, then he can work to correct it.  Just one example, (and
we'll say this started before her waywardness)............ it may be
the way his family treats his wife.  She may feel that he does not
defend her to his family.  It hurts her that he won't speak up to
them, and he takes the passive way out.  So, the resentment begins.
Then as other things happens that she see as him not taking proper
action, it adds more resentment to what's already there.  If he would
just stand up to his family one time, it could desolve those hurt
feelings she's pushed down, but he doesn't, so she keeps pushing it
down and the resentment turns to bitterness.  If he would listen
carefully, it would show in her conversations.  She may take a jab
about his family, or him, but he just lets it roll off his back and
decides it's not worth causes waves and he'll stay quiet and it will
keep the peace.

The second area that WW's have in common is disrespect for the H.  In
her mind, he has failed at being the kind of man he should be.  Maybe
he has allowed his neighbor to bully him, or friends to take
advantage, or maybe he can't keep a job.  Perhaps he has mismanaged
the finances and now they are in terrible debt.  He might be the kind
of man who is full of a lot of ideas or dreams, but he never puts them
into action.  People on the outside see her husband as being a really
nice guy.  Other women even assume they must have a great MR just b/c
they see her H is so.......nice.  And she thinks to herself,
"If only they knew what I have to put up with, I bet they would change
their opinion".  She is angry and keep pushing it down in her heart,
trying to keep going.  But she loses her respect for him, little by

Continued on next post.

It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
sandi2 Offline OP
OP Offline
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
The other area is rebellion.  It may start slowly and more subtle, or
it may break lose in a furious attack of every moral principle she
held.  B/c of the deep resentment and the disrespect she feels for
him, her attraction for him falls by the wayside.  He is not the man
she fell in love with, and the sexual desire has left.  After awhile,
she just feels empty and craves for something to fill that emptiness.
She may turn to various activities, friends, or whatever trying to
fill the unhappy void in her life.  Emotionally, she is done with her
H and the MR.  She may not realize it, or may not care, but she is in
a vulnerable state of mind..........and in fact, her entire mindset
has been changing into a direction her family will not understand, nor
will they recognize the women she becomes.   It may come subtley or
brazen, but usually something/someone is going to appeal to her and
cause her to feel alive again.  She will feel as if she is being
offered oxygen to a sufficating body.  Women will respond in various
ways, but they will respond b/c their mindset is set for rebellion.
In some cases, she may intentionally go seeking something, and then
she may act like girls gone wild.  Whatever or however, she will
display some form of rebellion against her H, her M, and anyone who
tries to stop her.  If her friends don't like it, then she drops them
and finds new friends.  Usually, the new friend(s) will be divorced,
maybe in an A themselves, hitting the bar/party scene, while leaving
their kids at home with the H.....or whoever will keep them.  She will
forsake her parents, kids, religion, career, marriage, and every
principle she ever held dear....if they interfere with her new
lifestyle.  If she doesn't get her way, she will react in fury,
hatefulness, pouting, craying, throwing a fit, on & on.  She acts
worse than any melodramatic teenager imaginable.  She has turned into
a selfish monster that nobody recognizes, least of all, her husband.

Okay, so back to the question of what should a nice-guy husband do
with a wayward wife.  These three areas I have described are the
enemies.  He needs to bear in mind that that is the source of her
waywardness, and he is not going to nice her out of it.  He is not
going to persuade her to give him another chance to prove how great he
can be.  She is done, over, and out of the MR.  She will not hear a
single word he says, as long as she has no respect for him.  I don't
think LBH's truly get it, b/c they have this idea that they need to
show the WW more love.  WHAT??  Read my lips........she does not want
you showing her how much you love her!  At this point, that's the last
thing she wants.  He needs to understand he is dealing with a
different creature.  Unless a woman has experienced being wayward
herself, or a man has gone through the hell of having a wife who is
wayward.....I honestly don't know if other people realize that the
general advice someone gives for a troubled MR, simply doesn't work
when it involves a wayward.  The WW has a different mindset, and it is
dark and very unattractive.

It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
sandi2 Offline OP
OP Offline
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
So, the nice-guy LBH can forget about showing more love to his WW.
Until he has her respect, he will never have her love.  At least, not
the kind of love a woman has for the man she adores and wants his body
and heart.  I think that's what most red-blooded men really want in a
woman, isn't it?  Does he really want to settle for just a friendship
for the rest of his life?  These guys buy into some kind of fantasy
that if they become her BFF, she'll eventually fall back in love with
him.  I know that is what the DB coaches recommend, and I try to be
respectful to them.  I just respectfully disagree when it is dealing
with a wayward.  I can agree, in most cases,  if the
woman is not wayward, let me make that clear.  B/c when the
woman is wayward, you have a different creature from any other, and
are dealing with .......well, to put it bluntly.......sin.  Therefore,
he needs to stop being this soft, passive, nice guy.  He needs to
start showing strength, tough love, decisiveness, assertiveness, and
firmness.  He has to deal with the WW, much like he would a defiant
teenager, only it's more difficult b/c he can't punish his WW.
However, there are other things he can do.

The LBH of a WW must, MUST, let go of the fear of a separation or
divorce.  I know all the arguments.  I don't disagree.  I am just
telling you that I have read countless threads since 2007 of men who
are scared sh'tless that their WW may leave the M.  It paralyzes him
from taking the assertive action required, and in most cases, he's
already a nice-guy to think he is going to start applying
tough love may be stretching the imagination.  I will say this much
about the fear, and I have have not been in the shoes of the LBS.  I
have had to face things in my life, afraid.  Some things, the fear is
not going to subside.  As one evangelist says, "Do it afraid".  But do
it!  Listen, the WW has a keener sense of smell than a hound dog.  She
can smell fear in her LBH.  Do you want to know how it affects her?
It disgusts her.  I could get more graphic, but I won't.

The LBH of a WW needs to be as solid as he can be, so he needs support
from reliable sources.  He can see his spiritual leader, a counselor,
get meds for sleep and/or depression, etc.  He has to be centered on
taking care of himself, or he can't hold up physically or emotionally.
This will be the toughest ordeal he has had to face, and just like in
the military, he has to be in shape and ready to face the enemy.

He will experience different levels of emotions.  He will have bad
days, and then out of the blue have a good day, for no apparent
reason.  He doesn't need to try and analyze everything.  It's going to
happen, so expect it.

He needs to decide his boundaries.  A lot of people have no idea what
their boundaries are, or even what it means to enforce boundaries.  It
is one of the links in the post Cadet gives newcomers.  He needs to
study it.  Decide what principles he can not live without having these
honored in his life.  Decide what he will not tolerate in his life.
Boundaries are not to be used to police the other person's life.  It
is to protect him.  If the other person crosses that line he has
around him for protection, then it is a direct attack on him.  It may
be rather subtle, or it may be daring.....but they have crossed the
line.  Now, what will he do about it?  Slug it out?  No, I don't mean
anything physical.  What else can he do?  If he cannot control the
actions of the other person, then that just leaves him doing the
action.  Here's the catch......if his action does not cause some type
of consequence for the other person, then it is not an effective
boundary.  And an ineffective boundary is no boundary at all.  He
needs to know, in advance, what his actions will be, if his boundary
is dishonored........then by all means, know he can carry it through.
He should never make some brave statement and then back away when
tested.  B/c believe me, the WW is going to test those boundaries, so
he needs to suit up his armor every single day.

He should read anything he can find about WW's, b/c he cannot afford
to be caught unguarded.  I have read more posts from LBH'S who say
they were caught with their guard down.  Know this now, she is going
to use her feminine wiles to manipulate the LBH.   Most guys melt the
first time the WW just smiles or acts a little nice to him.  Come on!
Really?  He thinks she's having second thoughts?  No way!  She is
manipulating him, and she knows just what to do to get him around her
little finger.  He may not see what she's up to right that minute, but
usually within a day or so, she'll hit him up for something.  He needs
never to forget that selfishness motivates the WW.  It is all about
her, period.  If he will look closely in everything she does, he can
probably see how she benefited in some way.....or at least tried.

He needs to be prepared at all times for her to test him.  When he
least expects it, she will do something that messes with his head.  He
immediately wants to believe she's reaching out to him and that he
needs to do "the right thing" and respond to her.  Nope!  It's a test.
One thing to look for is her emotions.  Is she crying?  Is she feeling
down on herself and he feels he needs to encourage her?  Is she having
a pity a party and wants him to comfort her?  Is she lonesome and
needs someone to listen to her long one-sided conversation?  Is she
suddenly acting playful, flirty, or even trying to seduce him?  For
gosh sakes he better not fall for any of that stuff.  This is not a WW
reaching out, having a change of heart, or any of the things he wants
to read into it.  Two things, she is either giving him an emotional
temperature check to see if she's still in charge of the relationship,
or she is just getting her kicks cause she knows she can.  Yes, well I
told you her heart was dark.

Continued on next post.

It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
sandi2 Offline OP
OP Offline
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
How does he get her respect?  Well, it's not by being a softie.  He
has to stop all her open show of disrespect for him, especially in
front of his children.  Sadly, so many men have lived in it so long
that they are conditioned to it.  They don't even realize she is
disrespecting him.  Some signs may be her showing a lack of
impatience.......taking long sighs, tapping her foot and/or putting
her hands on her hips & looking disgusted, rolling her eyes, speaking
with a disgusted or impatient tone of voice, talking to him as if he
was one of the kids, speaking to him indirectly through the kids,
making fun of him in a disrespectful manner, making verbal jabs at him
in front of others, a total lack of consideration, rudeness, saying
rude things to the children about him in his presence....or behind his
back, any kind of slurs, on & on.....the list is almost endless.
These are things he can, and should, call her out.  In other words,
instead of ignoring it, like he has made a habit of doing......he
needs to confront her immediately about her show of disrespect.  He
may not be able to help how she feels about him....but by God's help,
he can do something about her showing disrespect.  And, I
cannot stress enough how important it is to stop her from showing this
behavior in front of his children.  It is teaches them to disrespect
their father, and he loses credibility.

Now, he needs to understand that she has carried his balls around for
a long time.  She is not going to meekly hand them over to him the
first time he calls her out on her disrespectful behavior.  (and, btw,
he needs to take one at a time as it come, instead of trying to cover
everything she has ever done.  She'll get the idea.).  Anyway, back to
getting his balls away from her.  It will take more than one time for
him.  She is going to try him over and over, to see if she can either
out do him or to slide by without him calling her out.  Just like a
kid!  It's rediculous, but it's true.  Even women who aren't
completely wayward will do that much!

It is important that the H understands that he needs to handle these
smaller sized showing of disrespect, before he can expect her to do
much with the larger having an affair.  I don't recall
reading about that anywhere, so it may be debatable.  I just don't
think he will have much authority over the bigger issues if he has no
authority over the smaller ones.  Therefore, if his WW is in an
affair, I don't believe she's going to end it out of respect for
him.........b/c she has none.  He will have to show her he means
business. And this where he has to do it, even if he is afraid......or
else prepare to have a very miserable life.

I believe every LBH has to be ready to leave the M.  I know, I
know.....I can hear all the protests now.  I said he has to be ready,
b/c otherwise, he is going to wait too long.  He will cling to every
excuse in the book.  Usually, it's what it will do to the kids.  Okay,
at the risk of sounding like the worst human on earth, I'm not buying
it from all these men.  That's not to say they are not good, caring,
loving fathers.  I just think for the most part, it is a good excuse.
It sound justified for a man to sacrifice his entire life for his
children, right? I mean, what Christian minded person would find fault
with his reasoning?  Me.  I would.  When I see all the rest of it, and
he is scared of his own shadow and can't go poop without asking his W
if it's okay.....yeah, I think it is cowardly.  I think he uses his
own kids to cover up the fact he has no balls.  He is too scared to
stand up to his own wife, and that is why she the b'tch from hades.
That is why he is going through this mess is b/c he has not been the
man he should have been.  "Oh, you are blaming her affair on the H".
No, I am blaming him for being a nice-guy who gave his balls to his
wife.  Now he wears the dresses and she wears the pants with his balls

I won't say every single man that has a wayward wife is cowardly.  I
have met some men on this board throughout the years that I respect
very much, and I never saw them as being like those I described in the
previous paragraph.  I saw some who I liked and wanted to shake them
for giving too many warnings or waiting too long to shift into an
asertive gear, but they still had all their male parts.....from what I
could observe.    :). So, I don't want anyone to think I having a
man-bashing day where I just let them all have a piece of my mind.  I
actually like men a lot, and had rather work with them any day of the
week before dealing a some of female co-workers I had.......but,
that's another story.

Let me close this part by saying that There are some women who leave
the M due to giving up, out of discouragement, loss of connection,
etc.  Perhaps the H neglected her to the point she no longer wants to
stay with him. Perhaps he has nothing at all, but she has other issues.
 And of course, there are WAW's who come from abusive
R's, and other issues I could name, but the point I'm making is that
these woman may not have a wayward heart.  Just b/c they left the MR,
does not mean their heart has gone bad.  That was my point in dividing
the wayward wife from the walk-away wife.

Let me see if I can say something encouraging, after all that other stuff. It is not impossible for the WW to turn back. If you understand repentance, you can understand there is hope for a WW. People thought I was a good woman. My H thought I was, too. I would like to think my heart was not that of a bad person, however, little by little I succumbed to things I should not have done. I hurt those I loved the most, and it will always be something I cannot go back and undo. I know I have been forgiven, but I still struggle at times, knowing I let my family down. I am hoping that I can say something to help one of you realize a little more about the mindset of a WW. It may be dark, cruel, and selfish......but it can be changed under the right conditions. You men have to be use tough love if you want to save her and save your family. Even if she returns home, she won't truly love you if she doesn't respect you as a man.

It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,098
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,098
Sandi, this is amazing as usual!

I have seen women, inclding my own wife practically challenging thier husband to be assertive, without any consequence.

I recall a time a year ago, my wife going out on a shoping apree not a week agter we talked about cutting back on superfluous spending. She called me and said something like, 'i am so bad' basically saying what are you going to do about it, smile and nod like usual?

My reaction was not strong. Part of it was me thinking that i didnt want to control her the other was fear that i would make her angry. No consequense.

Not the Marlboro Man. There is a pretty obscene word to desribe a man who doesnt act strong like he should and that had been me for a really long time, letting wife run ramshod over me.

Thank you for your posts sandi!

M - 40's
W - 30's
Two Sons
Living together
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,142
Likes: 5
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,142
Likes: 5
Thanks Sandi! This is much better than having to search through all the threads for your words of wisdom. Now everything is condensed right here! After reading through your words, I have two questions:

1. You talk about the temp checking and how that is all it is and the LBH cannot fall for it. How do you tell the difference between temp checking and something more than that?

2. You mention a few times that the LBH has to be ready to leave the marriage. But what does that mean exactly? Are you suggesting the LBH should push things along (I don't think you are)? So how does the LBH show that?

I lot that you post rings true with my WW, at least from what I have seen. Thanks for the post :-).

Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 587
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 587
Your posts are always informative and help me get a better grasp in what I need to do with myself. Thank you Sandi.

My question is how does one enforce some boundaries when S is no longer in the same house or even town?

In my thread I talked about it earlier in more detail but I don't appreciate OM being involved in my kids lives. I tell her I don't like it however I don't believe it will stop it

The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 35
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 35
Originally Posted By: pinn

2. You mention a few times that the LBH has to be ready to leave the marriage. But what does that mean exactly? Are you suggesting the LBH should push things along (I don't think you are)? So how does the LBH show that?

I think she means that you have to be able to move on from the marriage and know that you will be okay. You have to be able to feel it in your heart. You can't fake it because the WW will know. It'll probably show in your actions. Once you GAL, find yourself, and love yourself, you might be able to pull it off. Your perception of your wife will change too, she'll change from a radiant goddess into a diseased rat. Sometimes I'm in that frame of mind now that I'm away from her and I see her from a distance.

Originally Posted By: Tyler12

My question is how does one enforce some boundaries when S is no longer in the same house or even town?

In my thread I talked about it earlier in more detail but I don't appreciate OM being involved in my kids lives. I tell her I don't like it however I don't believe it will stop it

Maybe if you contacted the OM? I've done that before to the point it drove one of them away but you might want to be careful. My wife used the argument that I was controlling her. Just another reason for her to leave the marriage.

In regards to enforcing boundaries while out of the house: my wife recently asked me to dinner one night and I accepted. Turned into a nightmare and told her I needed space from then on. That we couldn't hang out like friends anymore.

Last edited by Cadet; 02/24/16 06:51 AM. Reason: combine posts

M41 W39
Open Marriage Request by W 6/15
BD 9/15
1st EA 10/15
2nd EA discovered: 1/16
I moved out: 1/16
2nd EA blew apart 2/16
PA 4/16
I've had enough, filing for D
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
sandi2 Offline OP
OP Offline
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
Oh, thank you......all of you. I wasn't sure how this would be received, but like I said, I want to help someone learn from the mistakes my M has made, and from I have observed in others.

2. You mention a few times that the LBH has to be ready to leave the marriage. But what does that mean exactly? Are you suggesting the LBH should push things along (I don't think you are)? So how does the LBH show that?

OMG, let me answer this one first, b/c I may have totally forgotten to get back to why I said the H needed to be ready to leave the M.

It is the attitude or state of mind he has to have, when dealing with a WW situation. I don't mean he necessarily runs out and files for a D. However, he should not be afraid to do it. I would suggest that before he filed, that he separate from her, to show her he means business. Even if he just left to go somewhere else for a few days, she won't know what he's planning to do........which is good, she needs to worry. Every single WW that I have seen come and go on this board has said that it took her seeing that her H was done with her, before she woke up. She has to believe she could lose him. When he dropped her, instead of clinging to her and pleading that she won't leave. That's when it hits her. As long as he is clinging to her, she knows she has him and isn't losing him.

It is all related to his fear of his M failing, or of his W leaving him. The fear holds him back from being as assertive as he needs to be. He is afraid if he goes too far, then she'll leave or file for divorce. So, he ends up catering to her, mostly. IMO, he has to make up his mind that if it means the M is over in order for her to start acting like a respectful W (notice I did not say loving, but respectful), then so be it. He is not going to live with anyone who does not show him respect, or subject his children to that disrespect of their father, who is suppose to be the head of the home.

This is especially true when it comes to enforcing his boundaries. If he is scared of what she may do, how effectively do you think he'll be in enforcing his boundaries? She smells the fear in him. And b/c she can smell his fear, she will dare him to stick to his word. That is why I have recently started cautioning men about stating how they will not live in an open M........if they are not ready to walk out the door. She is going to dare him. As if to say, "Let's just see how serious you really are".

It's kind of like when kids are pushing us to see if we really mean what we say. As a parent and grandmother, I have never believed in telling my kids to do, or not do, anything but one time (being sure they hear me, of course). I don't believe in this telling a kid they better mind me by the time I count to three. B/c guess what? It becomes a game to them, and they will make the idiot parent count off to three before the kid moves. I have seen parent say, "One, two, .....two and a half, two and three-fourths........". What!? And the kid is standing there with a big grin on his face b/c it's all a game to him. Makes me want to get my hands on the parent!!

A wayward wife is much like that kid. That's why giving her a certain amount of time to decide what she wants, never works. She will wait until the midnight hour of the last day and then call crying and saying she just needs a little more time. So, the H starts saying, "Two, two and a half". He just can't play those kind of games. He lays it out once, and if she doesn't comply, he packs her stuff and leaves outside, or he leaves. Of course, without going into details, he always need to check his legal standing before leaving. I know men have been leaving for many, many years, and they still get to have their kids, but check anyway.

Probably said too much trying to answer your question, but if still not clear, please tell me, b/c I don't mind expounding further. And thanks for bringing it to my attention.

1. You talk about the temp checking and how that is all it is and the LBH cannot fall for it. How do you tell the difference between temp checking and something more than that?

WW's can be very emotional, b/c they are guided by those emotions.......and her emotions are all out of whack. Anyway, it is no problem at all for a WW to turn on the tears, especially when it's about her. Some men think this means something else, and they can be influenced by the WW, due to the man feeling sorry for her. If nobody died, don't feel sorry for her! She has to suffer the consequences of her decision, and usually, she's crying b/c she doesn't like those consequences. I think tears runs close to number one on the list of ways a WW can sucker the LBH.

However, I give the blue ribbon prize of tricks to the category of sex. It takes a wise and strong man to withstand some of the temptations of his naughty WW. I mean, she treats him like a bag of sh't, and the first time she parades around partially dressed, he crumbles? Come on! And I have actually seen men say, "What can I say, I'm a guy.....ha-ha". That's not funny, it's pathetic! Listen, I have read more than one account where a couple were separated b/c she was sleeping with another man and would not end it. Then suddenly, surprise, surprise....she shows up unexpected late one night.....falls into the arms of her LBH crying and blubbering some sob story. Then, surprise, surprise, a little kissing starts.......and you can guess the rest. And each and every story like this has the same thing to happen.......the very next day, when the LBH is thinking there has been a wonderful development......low and behold, the WW is cold as an iceberg. Then she's right back to the OM. Yeah, the H got played. The vets use to warn newcomers over and over, and they would fall for it every time. All the WW wanted (no matter her sob story) was to see if the H was still in the palm of her little hand. The H needs to make her WORK to get him back, and one night of sex isn't work for her. Work for her is getting her heart right, ending her wayward ways, start showing respect and devotion to her H & family, behaving like a decent woman, and apologize with a broken heart for everything she has done to her H and the destruction she's caused. That's the real work. And trust me, it is not sudden. It is not going to be one of these overnight things. Coming out of waywardness is not a quickie for most women. It is painful, and part of her pain should be remorse she feels, not some self-centered pity party she's having.

Let me add one more, that seems to throw men. It is when the WW suddenly starts acting nice. I think if the LBH'S would just be leery of anything she does "suddenly", he would be on safer ground. If she has been horrible to him, and suddenly changes her mood and starts acting as if she's doing something for him.........look out. Everything is selfishly motivated, so she's doing nothing more than setting him up for the kill (whatever the kill might be).

Here's the thing, if the WW is earnest in wanting to make things right with her H, and if her heart is in the right place, her attitude will tell the story. She will be humbled. Her tone of voice will be softer and more tender. She may be broken, and show it, but if she's real......I think her H surely would be able to see it. If she's broken and humble, She won't feel she deserves another chance or that she deserves to have her H. She will be willing to do ANYTHING her H wants, in order to reconcile with him. If he sees anything less, she's just playing. Now understand, she doesn't have to feel the desire or loving feelings for him, to reconcile. However, she doesn't get to Kay down the stipulations. He does. And one of those stipulations is that she will sleep in the same bed with him. He won't have sex with her right away, and he will be be patience to a degree, but there will be no separate bedrooms. This stuff takes time, too. He can't expect her to feel everything for him overnight. I really don't trust a WW who cliams she does. But she has to be respectful, and be willing to do what is necessary to save the M and heal back the relationship.

Sorry if I use too many words to answer.

It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard