Pink, You are right where you need to be right now. The man upstairs was guiding you and yes, you had plenty of time to sit quietly and the answers surely did come, even while you were sick. I'm very glad you went to the church service and stayed the entire time. You met some nice people and your xh was there and treated you w/respect.
How will your life's story unfold? No one knows, but you are very busy writing the next chapter and I can't wait to watch it unfold. I would continue to keep my expectations at zero and allow your xh to come to you and show you that you can trust him again. Keeping the door ajar will allow the both of you to find a way to rekindle your friendship first and who knows? Maybe later getting back together...but that is further down the road. Remember actions speak louder than words.
Pink, I know it's difficult, but you will need to find a way to forgive him. Holding on to the resentment and anger just makes life so hard and it does take a lot of work to harbor those feelings day in and day out. Yes, you were hurt deeply, but time does heal all wounds and the scars will shrink.
Pink, you've got this! I think God has shown you this weekend that anything is possible if you have a little faith and can keep those expectations at zero for now. I'm very proud for the way you handled yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
All sounds good Pink. Now the main challenge is to maintain steady and with no expectations yourself. Friendly with XH and a little more 'joint' time - but pressing ahead with your own stuff too. Good luck Sweetie xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
V, I am not anymore in that position to let XH physically close, and to tell the truth even the emotional closeness is something that is getting very thin inside of me.
I am getting tired of my fight. Looking back I see so much done and I don't see XH moving in any direction that leads home. I am seeing a man that is waking up for his own benefit, worry for his own needs, but does not give a bit to others.
I am not worry about his stuff anymore, about what he does or doesn't with his time and life. I am getting somewhat disgusted with him. What may be the way I detach from people. I feel that while hoping there is a line of romantic feeling and then with time there comes this weird feeling of disgust. And that is what is starting inside of me.
I recognize that I am in my own roller coaster. I am just getting out of my menopause and even feel that my feelings go up and down. But all the work I need to put for myself and my kids are making me to see that I am doing it all alone, XH is just worried about himself and his life and the truth is that he left me alone to deal with it all and resolve it all.
bttrfly - I am also a romantic being by nature. I dream with my eyes wide open but there is a limit for fantasy and I think that the MLC road is very twisted and is challenge me to see things in a different way. I am just not very sure how long I can keep on the swing dance with this. Slowly but surely I am giving up on it all. I need to focus in my life and see the big picture of where I want to be in 5 to 10 years and there is a lot of work to put myself in a safe place financially, physically and mainly mentally.
job - what happen was nice, it could be seen as some progress. I saw that XH is doing a good job for himself. But the truth is that I was the one walking towards him. I was the one giving that step and joining him. He did not even invited me, he just gave me the info.
How can I just see things in a positive way when XH does not do a little move towards me. He treated me well because he knows who and how I am. If someone does not treat me with at least respect, I just walk away.
So all what he did was to be polite, nothing else. I was the one in his space, he did not move a finger to be in my space. He was the one that purged, that betrayed me, that left me. I think I need to have some shame inside of me and let him go. It is not going to work if I feel that I am the one doing the hard lift to bring him back. If that happen, once he is back I will be asking him to leave.
Maybe I am from old times that a lady will wait the gentleman's move to accept his charms, but this is the way I think it should happen, he is not asking me to be in his space, I am the one that step into that.
GG - You are right, I have no clue of what is in his mind. But I can see the line of selfishness, self pity on XH. He did not change much towards others, he is changing towards himself because life exploded on his face and he got himself into a big mess. But it not necessarily tells me that he give any value to his family. It just shows that he wants to rebuild his own life.
Sotto - It does not sound too good. It is just politeness, good words and no action whatsoever. XH did nothing. I was the way that stepped on his shoes. The truth is not pretty and is not easy to face, but he is not moving a finger in my direction.
So, I am very busy and I said twice already that I need XH's help with the whole college stuff for S18. All what I hear are words that can make you feel good, but no actions. Not even a tiny bit of an action.
XH is a coward. He is not a man that will step out of his comfort zone and face life with all its challenges. I am almost getting to the conclusion that it is why we had a problem in the first place because I am a fighter. XH was always a good provider because he was amazed with himself at his work. He is a good professional and love the status that he gets from it.
But being a husband and a father is something a man does and does not get the external status. It is a prize you get from your own guts, not a plaque with congrats, best of the year stuff.
Through this process I have been learning a lot, more on some areas, less in others, but I can't deny that I am another person, have different perspectives in life, give value to things that invisible.
I can't deny to see the truth anymore, and the truth is that it does not matter how much is different, XH is not doing anything to move towards me.
I am not very sure if I will join him again in that church. I am questioning myself if it is what I need to do. I would be setting myself to pursuit him and that is exactly what I was working in not doing.
He will be doing what he set himself to do, it would be me walking in that direction and why I would do that?
I need to think about it, but I am quite sure that this is not what will make me feel better about this. Again, I am the way to follow, and I am not sure I am in mood to do this anymore for anybody else in this life.
I need to work a lot and that is not too bad since I am not in my best mood today. I looked at myself in the mirror today and I did not feel good seeing someone that is still doing things to get close to a person that does not want to be with me anymore.
Time will tell, but I think I am the one to purge now.
Thanks for being there for me. My life is better because I can tell you all what is in my heart.
Hi Pink I see you have woken up your passionate side this morning I'm not going to argue with you , just maybe point out that what I'm seeing from H is baby steps What you see as you moving towards him , I see as you responding to him coming forward
I really get that you want him to move faster or make more of an effort to show and tell you but that's. It going to happen. H has seen how strong you are and maybe he thinks you don't want him back. This will take time and only you can decide if you want to give him that time
Looking in be mirror you should see and strong , attractive , loving person who has been hurt incredibly badly but sometime she trusted with her life I know how attractive you are inside or out , FACT
You can decide what you want and I know you will but please give yourself time to think about it From the outside H is coming forward and telling you about his church was huge
Come and sit on the bar stool next to mine. Let's have a chat.
I sense that you are very wary and there's some mixture of anger toward XH's past transgressions. As for the first part, perfectly understandable. Second part, where's that anger coming from? What are you really angry about here?
Originally Posted By: Pink
I am getting tired of my fight. Looking back I see so much done and I don't see XH moving in any direction that leads home. I am seeing a man that is waking up for his own benefit, worry for his own needs, but does not give a bit to others.
What are you fighting? What is it really about? I think the fight is internal. Right? Wrong? Only you can answer this. What I am seeing here is that you're making assumptions based on erroneous data. Who are you to say that XH is waking up for "his own benefit"??!! In what ways is it "his own benefit"? I am curious to understand your perspective or logic on this one.
From your last post, I see that XH is really open and wants to introduce YOU to others. That is a sign of someone who is a bit more comfortable with his own skin and having you around him. That is a huge baby step...especially from a MLCer who is slowly awakening. That's GOOD in my book.
Originally Posted By: Pink
I am getting somewhat disgusted with him. What may be the way I detach from people. I feel that while hoping there is a line of romantic feeling and then with time there comes this weird feeling of disgust. And that is what is starting inside of me.
Disgusted with...what precisely? Did he fart or make any farting jokes? I mean...what led you to be disgusted with him? I am not clear here. Can you please expand on this a bit more?
Originally Posted By: Pink
I am just getting out of my menopause and even feel that my feelings go up and down. But all the work I need to put for myself and my kids are making me to see that I am doing it all alone, XH is just worried about himself and his life and the truth is that he left me alone to deal with it all and resolve it all.
Resolve what? What are you talking about here?
XH worried about himself? Really?! Are you sure about this? He invited YOU to check out the new church. He stuck close by you. He engaged in talks with other church goers. It seems that you are wanting to focus on the bad things he did instead of what is HAPPENING in the now moment. The now moment is unfolding and it is beautiful. It is a gift. Appreciate the gifts that are coming your way now.
Originally Posted By: Pink
job - what happen was nice, it could be seen as some progress. I saw that XH is doing a good job for himself. But the truth is that I was the one walking towards him. I was the one giving that step and joining him. He did not even invited me, he just gave me the info.
That is the problem with expectations and you end up disappointed if they are not done in A, B, C fashion. You expected a "formal" invitation from XH that satisfies some elusive criteria in your head and when he does not follow them to the letter, you get all upset. Is that fair to you? Is that fair to XH? Is that fair to the two of you? Change your perspective. Giving you information was HUGE here. Because of the information, it allowed you to go to the church which made XH happy and he showed his happiness several ways. Gratitude can be shown in several ways.
You ask this:
How can I just see things in a positive way when XH does not do a little move towards me.
Whaa...what?! XH did several positive movements toward you and he's wary too. It goes both ways, honey.
Drop the anger and resentment. Start appreciating the process and progress. Don't expect grand pronouncements from XH. He's feeling his way slowly as well. You two are sensitive and tender. You are trying to figure out a path to find your way back together. Don't be too hard on XH. Otherwise you will lose him as well.
I could go on and on....
But I can see the line of selfishness, self pity on XH. He did not change much towards others, he is changing towards himself because life exploded on his face and he got himself into a big mess. But it not necessarily tells me that he give any value to his family. It just shows that he wants to rebuild his own life.
It does not sound too good. It is just politeness, good words and no action whatsoever. XH did nothing.
XH is a coward. He is not a man that will step out of his comfort zone and face life with all its challenges. I am almost getting to the conclusion that it is why we had a problem in the first place because I am a fighter.
I can't deny to see the truth anymore, and the truth is that it does not matter how much is different, XH is not doing anything to move towards me.
I am not very sure if I will join him again in that church.
All of these comments are smoldering anger that is seeping out and if you are not careful, you can do some real damage to a wonderful and budding new friendship with XH. It all starts with a friendship before it progresses to another level.
Take care of the anger asap.
I do SEE XH is moving toward you. You just don't or won't recognize those actions from XH because you are stuck in the anger spot. Move away from it and you'll be able to see things from a clearer perspective.
Hi Pink, I think that was diamond advice from posters. I also think these were baby steps from XH and he was opening a door that you chose to walk through - all good.
You felt good about the interaction when it had ended. What changed for you since then?
I wonder if your own fears are getting the better of you and you want to justify pushing him away in case he disappoints you?
I know it's tough - but do try and take on board the advice and take your time. Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Wonka, I think I will rather sit on a little kindergarten chair today because I am in need to face big issues with my little girl.
Reading the posts made me cry and it is all about the little girl. It has nothing to do with XH. These are fears... Fear of vulnerability, Fear of rejection, Fear of Love.
I need to face the big demons now. I can't let it go and sweep it under the rug as I did my whole life.
I am hurting badly today and it all comes down to my childhood. I will take the time to finally face these demons and stop running away as I did all my life.
I am very proud that I saw a lot in my life. I traveled to a lot of places, lived in different countries. But was that just running away from myself?
And I am doing it again with XH. It's all so mixed up inside of me. I will sit down on my little pink chair, have my purple dress on because that is were I got stuck in my deepest wound, that is were I promise no one would ever hurt me. And then I will talk to you Wonka and I will tell you all about my pain.
And everyone is telling me that I need to let go the anger I have against XH and I can't really understand because I am not really very angry with him.
But underneath all this, it comes out some anger for the ghosts I hold inside of me.
I will write later. Just one thing. I am smiling, being nice and compassionate with my patients. The turmoil is inside of me and at my age you can trust that I can wear many masks and no one knows what is going on in my soul.
Thanks for the soft 2 x 4s Wonka. You are making me think. You are teaching me to grow up.
Wonka, first, thank you for challenge my comments. That is why this board is a life saver for so many in here. It makes you think.
After crying a lot today I had two things that came to my mind and was in my entire body. I went to the same place again. There was a time when I was about 12 years old. My mom made me a nice purple suit set and I tough it was gorgeous.
I was ready to go to a family party and I do not even remember what happen but my mom spanked me pretty bad. She asked me to go to my room and said I wouldn't go to the party because I was always a problem with the family. That no one want to see me around.
I did not go. I stayed in my room on my new purple clothes. I fell sleep sitting right beside my dresser. But I remember the feeling I had inside of me. I remember so much pain and hate and I remember I felt like I would never be anywhere that I was not wanted.
I do not have anything in purple. Do not like that color. Nothing in my house is purple. That is the easy fix.
But I also did something inside of me. Every time I feel a bit, even a tiny bit of rejection, or I feel I am not welcome. I run away. I always find the way to step out of the situation.
During my session with my IC, we worked on that and it seemed that I was handling that well. The truth is that some of that pain became habits, and I do this running away as a habit now.
I know I am wrong. I know I am a lovable person in many levels. I am a very discrete, on my own space kind of person. But that is what is happening with XH. At least, that is the way I feel.
When I am around him I remember he said that he was not in love with me anymore and then I feel like I need to purge. That I am somehow invading his life with my presence. Why I do this? I think I am really afraid of rejection. And I already tasted that with XH when he decided to be with someone else.
The problem I have is that I need to understand that these traits are in my life because I allow it to still affect me. And as a result I get into this kind of insecurities.
What am I fighting? I guess for me to go through my own turmoil is a big fight inside of me. Then I project that on XH. Like he needs to be the one to say to me: "Don't be afraid Cira, you are not being too much".
I am not disgusted with XH physically. He is a very polite man. He use to fart a lot, but only in a house, and most of the time always said I am sorry.
The disgust part, and you are a 100% right, is my anger because he just do not snap out of wonderland. Yes, I kind of understand the whole MLC, or at least try my best to learn more and more about this. But life has its realities and right now it is a very big load of stuff to do.
I spoke w/XH about our taxes and he is still deciding if he wants to claim some of the house taxes or not, bank taxes or not, and I need my taxes ready asap because I have a deadline for the Fafsa.
He does not know where is the kids insurance card. He asked for another one and also does not know about it. He does not know where is the health form for 2015.
I asked for his help with the football fundraiser, college stuff, school conferences, and more. He is always waiting for the babysitter to set up everything and just let him know.
I know it shouldn't bother me anymore, but it does. I do not need to keep doing these things. But then, if I don't, I became the mean person that is trying to hurt him using all this stuff against him.
So I get lost sometimes of what is better to do or better not to do. Again, the easy way out is to just purge and forget he even exist. If I could, I would just put some many miles in between us and close the door once for all.
But again, I would be doing just what I do best... RUN.
I guess everyone is right. I have some unresolved anger against him. Like why he can be the single guy, doing whatever he wants and I need to be the one left resolving it all.
Why he can't be responsible and take charge of one thing with his kids and think that it would be one less thing for me to do. Why he can just assume that I will do it all.
Now, Michelle's comments about you doing the heavy lift has another dimension in my view. She really meant heavy lift.
Of course, I always explode here on this board. XH does not know that I feel all this. And that is a good point you made. The same way I have all these feelings inside of me and do not let him know about it, who am I to conclude that XH is having the time of his life and is not thinking at all. He may be doing exactly what I am doing and not letting me know as well.
The Expectations... It is indeed so hard to have none. And yet when I genuinely do not have any, that is when I get very surprised with good happenings.
I think that I just would like a little sign that I can have some kind of hope he look at me with some feelings. Not just compassion because he left me and feel guilty about it. Like he is doing me a favor to be nice and polite.
You see him giving me the church info and a way to let me know I could go and he would be happy about it. In some ways I get it because he did not need to say a thing. I certainly did not ask him for it.
Yes, again you are right. I need to change my perspective of how things are unfolding and feel gratitude that there are many positives at the moment.
I remember reading lady bug and 25 giving many advice in different threads about compassion. It is very hard to have any kind of compassion towards someone that divorced you. It's the main prove they do not want to be with you anymore.
The conclusion is that: I need to work a lot more and DETACH, DETACH, DETACH.
I keep holding myself in some fantasy, something that may never happen, some fiction story. I know I need to let go. But for me detaching means forget, and I don't want to forget. I want to think that there is still a chance for our family. And then I think there is no chance at all.
What should I do then?
I am living my life. I did change somethings on myself.
Should I ignore him, disappear from earth and let him miss me.
Or should I go to his church next tuesday and just be there with a smile, a good attitude, feeling positive and enjoy his company?
Then everyone will ask me: What is that you want to accomplish? What do you want?
*** What I want is that XH will look at me and think that it would be worth to try to work on "US" so we would have our family together again.
*** What I want is to see a little more then politeness, something that would show he worked to have me around him.
*** That he would say something, even a little word that would let me hope that he sometimes think about us together sometime in the future.
Right now I do not believe he is doing anything to have me back in his life. All what he did may be a Huge baby step, but it is all very lost in translation. I could mean this or that.
Again, I am back to the same spot. I need to detach and let it go.
Sometimes I kind feel smart. But it is when I need to understand this whole mess that I get the feeling I know nothing.
I am lost. I need to go easy, but what that means? I need to go slow, but what that means?
Question:
What would be your advice for me. Do I go to XH's church next tuesday and enjoy that time beside him? Or let go on that and keep my distance from him and only go again if he ever mention it to me"?
And, I am sorry I am so stupid when it comes to XH, I don't really know what to do anymore.
H Pink. This is where the going gets tough and the tough get going
XH is coming forward and none of us know why
He could want to reconcile or he could want to be friends or maybe he wants something else Right now , it doesn't matter , what matters is what you want
It's clear to me you want him back and I would love for you to accept that and then start to work towards it. I feel exactly the same as you do and I have turned my W away time and time again in case I get hurt. I hate rejection and will do anything to avoid it. Like you , all people see is a person without s care in the world but inside I hate rejection. When we connected recently I dreaded your opinion of my appearance because I couldn't handle the rejection I still did it because your very special to me and it was worth the risk
Your XH is worth the risk , I wish I could slap him a few times and tell him to pull himself together BUT he needs to find his own way and you need to be so strong and face your fear of rejection Your a gorgeous person and your fear of rejection is working against you now Trust in yourself , you were never the problem for XH , it was always him.
Let go the fear and be you. Every time the fear starts please know that there are thousands of people that would kill to have you in their lives. ( me included )
XHs actions made / make you feel rejected , they shouldn't , he was / is going through something and while I'm not trying to excuse him , I am trying to explain his behaviours. He is not our partying or living a great life He's working on himself and reaching out to his faith to help him Trust in your faith and relax back from the fear
I don't know if XH will ever fully recover or if a new M will work but I do think it's worth your best shot Your cherished and loved on this board and we all want what's best for you. Listen to the advice and let the future unfold as it will
Reach out to XH when you think it's right , just like you did re the church , if nothing changes then Pink has tried everything she can and looking back in years to come you will know you gave it your all.
XH did some horrible , stupid , nasty things BUT the important word in that sentance is DID
If you feel you need payback , a sordid weekend in Dublin is always an option !!!!!!!
Anjo , you need to live in the now , the past is just that , past Let go of the pain and the rejection , they are over
Today is a new day , Pink needs to live her life and open her heart to XH , it's a risk but IMHO , a risk worth taking. No pursuing but just open up and be receptive
