The last few days I have been juggling a thought back and forth as to how I should continue DBing. I know that I am not detached and I still carry a lot of emotion for W, at the same time I do feel like I am making progress with myself and handling situations better than I have in the past.
Lately I have been feeling an urge to talk more with W. Like I am taking limiting contact too far and if continued will tell W that I have moved on and am no longer interested. She being the stubborn type will in my opinion not say or do anything to me. Just think he's done and an a'hole.
Is there a point where her feeling the loss is missed and becomes resentment or anger that I didn't pursue? W's pride will keep her from reaching out to me if and when she does think back and feel a need to address anything with me.
I know there is no timeline attached to any of this, and until I do detach I will be waiting for her to come to me. It feels like she has already detached and I am playing catch up on the whole situation
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Tyler, first let me tell you that you are doing a WONDERFUL job with DBing. You have really taken to heart the DB process and are doing a great job with all of it. You are detaching, validating, GALing, acting as if, and basically moving on all while going to college and coparenting 4 small children. Not to mention, you're doing such a good job doing all of this during an emotionally devastating time. I am often frustrated in myself that I haven't been able to do any of this nearly as well as you have. You really should be proud of yourself.
With that being said, when I read your last post I could, unfortunately, relate to this question.
[quote=Tyler12]Is there a point where her feeling the loss is missed and becomes resentment or anger that I didn't pursue? W's pride will keep her from reaching out to me if and when she does think back and feel a need to address anything with me.
When I was 18 years old I was engaged. I eventually broke off that engagement. It was a long distance relationship & I wanted someone that I could see more than once every couple of months. When I broke it off, he was very nice and did the usual crying, begging, reasoning that we all do at BD. I can still remember his face, the exact words he said to me, the promises he made when he was bargaining. My XF NEVER, NOT ONE TIME, ever contacted me. I eventually married someone else. Eventually it did make me mad that he never called or wrote or anything. I mean, he claimed to love me but I always thought XF must not have cared that much about me because he never fought for me or our relationship. That man is my current H. It took him 18 YEARS to reach out to me!!! When I asked H why he never called, he said it was because he didn't think I wanted to talk to him. When I broke up with him, I did tell him not to call me, but he didn't even try. I wouldn't have been receptive to it right after breakup, but eventually I would have been and I would have loved to talk to him. If he had just called back then, we might have ended up marrying years ago before he had such hidden resentment towards me for leaving him. Could have saved us both a LOT of heartache.
Not sure exactly what you do with that information, I just wanted to let you know that it can and does happen. I wish I had some advice for you, but I don't know the best way to handle it. Hopefully one of the vets will give you some of their words of wisdom on how to make sure your W can find her way home if and when she's ready.
Are you all ready for your baby's first birthday party? Are you having the actual party at the indoor playground, or are you meeting family there to play and then going back to your house for cake and all that? I bet he's going to be so excited. I'm sure he will have a great time. You'll have to let us know how it goes.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Tyler, first let me tell you that you are doing a WONDERFUL job with DBing. You have really taken to heart the DB process and are doing a great job with all of it. You are detaching, validating, GALing, acting as if, and basically moving on all while going to college and coparenting 4 small children. Not to mention, you're doing such a good job doing all of this during an emotionally devastating time. I am often frustrated in myself that I haven't been able to do any of this nearly as well as you have. You really should be proud of yourself.
With that being said, when I read your last post I could, unfortunately, relate to this question.
Originally Posted By: Tyler12
Is there a point where her feeling the loss is missed and becomes resentment or anger that I didn't pursue? W's pride will keep her from reaching out to me if and when she does think back and feel a need to address anything with me.
When I was 18 years old I was engaged. I eventually broke off that engagement. It was a long distance relationship & I wanted someone that I could see more than once every couple of months. When I broke it off, he was very nice and did the usual crying, begging, reasoning that we all do at BD. I can still remember his face, the exact words he said to me, the promises he made when he was bargaining. My XF NEVER, NOT ONE TIME, ever contacted me. I eventually married someone else. Eventually it did make me mad that he never called or wrote or anything. I mean, he claimed to love me but I always thought XF must not have cared that much about me because he never fought for me or our relationship. That man is my current H. It took him 18 YEARS to reach out to me!!! When I asked H why he never called, he said it was because he didn't think I wanted to talk to him. When I broke up with him, I did tell him not to call me, but he didn't even try. I wouldn't have been receptive to it right after breakup, but eventually I would have been and I would have loved to talk to him. If he had just called back then, we might have ended up marrying years ago before he had such hidden resentment towards me for leaving him. Could have saved us both a LOT of heartache.
Not sure exactly what you do with that information, I just wanted to let you know that it can and does happen. I wish I had some advice for you, but I don't know the best way to handle it. Hopefully one of the vets will give you some of their words of wisdom on how to make sure your W can find her way home if and when she's ready.
Are you all ready for your baby's first birthday party? Are you having the actual party at the indoor playground, or are you meeting family there to play and then going back to your house for cake and all that? I bet he's going to be so excited. I'm sure he will have a great time. You'll have to let us know how it goes.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Not sure why my first post was messed up. That was weird. Resent it so the quote would be right and not confuse you.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
It's funny how something from the past can mean more now than it did when the memory was made. Music is my example here. On the drive to school today our first dance song from our wedding came on. I reached to switch it but stopped and thought. Sometimes you have to work through things.
Now I did shed some tears, they fell over a smile for good memories though and I wasn't the sobbing mess I would have been in the past. It's probably the first time I have heard it since wedding and I realized the words are more true to me now than thu were when the memory was made.
If your interested the song is Hold on by Michael buble
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Thank you MB. Your kind words always help me get my head straight. Your story does help in a way as it shows that it is possible for feelings to stick around for a long time. I don't want to set my life on that though. To forever be hoping she still thinks about us.
And Sandi. I was excited to see your name! As I was thinking before I read this morning it's been a long time since I heard from you, Azzork and Zeus. Then I had to laugh cause it was a question for MB. Which is totally fine. This place is like a home and friends are welcome to come over and talk amongst themselves.
I am happy you are still reading my post and I do wonder if you have any thoughts or observations you would share. Good or bad. There are times I need the slap of reality that you or Azzork and Zeus have to me.
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Just wanted to update on a interaction I had with W today. And a change in myself that I like and may be what I have been looking for the past couple days.
I texted her to let her know what time I wanted to meet tomorrow as she had asked and I said I would get back to her. So she said she will make it work and that she would bring cupcakes for the party. I replied that i had planned on doing the same though it has been 20 years since I last attempted a cake and that didn't pan out well. She said oh ok. I won't bother bringing any then. I felt like I was being cold here. I had planned the whole day and handled it all. She was looking to be involved in S1 bday too. So I replied, I can't make something with the kids on the weekend. And I don't want to ruin his cupcakes by mixing up baking soda and baking powder again. (I did this once with biscuits. It wasn't good). She laughed and said ok.
Now whether it meant anything to her or not that's her. This little act makes me feel good about myself and more like an action that is me. she has always made all the kids their cakes and this continues that for her. It's not a huge issue that I am not making the cupcakes as I have party hats and plates and a gift and the day planned already. I am excited for it!
A part of me really misses W baking too.... Haha
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
One more thing S1 bday party will bring ha this will be the first time since she moved out she and older 2 will see each other. Before leaving she made it a point that she still wanted to be part of their life. I always said its up to them. They are 12 and 9. And last I heard from D12 she hadn't heard anything from W since a couple days after she left.
There may be some interesting interaction there. I do hope it doesn't negatively effect the kids. It may be good for her to see all the kids together. Though that is was and is not my intention of this party at all. This is all for the kids doing something new in s new place and seeing for myself that I can plan things like this without fear of failire
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Sounds like you did a good job of planning and I think the way you handled the situation with your W and the cupcakes was great. Nice compromise and use of humor. WTG. Hope the kids love the party!!!!
Me:44 W:38 T:10.5 M:7.5 D:3 BD: 7/2015 W moves out of MBR: 9/2015 WW files for D: 2/8/2016
