GoodDad, you're also still looking to push and feel like you need to do something. Stop that. You might disagree with me, but we've been watching you ride the rollercoaster with your wife, especially after confirming OM, and reacting based off of emotions. That will not solve your problems.
Take the solid advice everyone is giving to wait, watch, and continue focusing on yourself and your changes.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
She just texted me... said she emailed his wife lots of things. SHe said it didn't make her feel any better because she realizes that she has ruined 2 families. She said that door is closed forever. Time and actions will tell what happens from here forward. I am still VERY guarded. I will have to see a serious amount of effort.
So I shared that info with my w when she got home. Weird. The guy is a jerk who has had previous affairs. Think it my have bursted her bubble on prince charming. Not out of the woods by any means but I've been telling her for a long time he's just out for a piece of ass. Think she's seeing that now. Hoping this is the wake up call she needs. Told her he'd try to lie his way out of it. We'll see if she buys it. She looks pissed tho and that's not good usually.
This ^^^^ right here is what will make it hard for her to turn back to you. Men talk about how stubborn their WW's are, but I call it pride. And whenever the LBH is walking around crowing like a rooster how right he was about the OM, he is chopping off his own head.
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Told my wife if she leaves I'd be doing same thing. Lying to hot girls to get some action. I'm sure that impressed here. Beautiful part is I have a buddy who is leading on this girl for sex and it bugs my W. I said it's the same deal with u. She thinks she's in love too. Still a crappy deal for me but it was nice to have a little moment like this. Long way to go. Still need to know it's over before I can move forward.
How old are you? You are acting like you are in jr high. Stop this stupid behavior and start acting like you are a mature man.
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Do I jump on this opening of her thinking he's a jerk? I'm sure he'll try to explain it all even though it's there in texts. Do I email her and remind her of the ways he has lied to her and other things about his character... Not feeling like the affair is wrong... Being willing to walk away from his kids... He's a real winner. Or do I stay with leaving her alone?
You already have jumped on it, and it didn't cause you to look particularly attractive.
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I do feel like this is a key moment. If her fantasy land crumbles she might wake up. I don't want her to get sucked back in but I don't want to push her away.
I really believe that if after all she read and I told her his wife said... If she still tells me she loves this guy... I can't continue to try. I'm not doing anything now, but I will have to make a decision that is best for me.
Let me tell you something about your WW. I'm sure she is pizzed at OM, and her pride is suffering now, and if you continue to hammer away about this OM......she's going to start feeling sorry for the guy! Now, does that blow your mind efficiently or do I need to tell you more? STFU!
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So what do I do... Nothing as I have been doing... basically being roommates living in different bedrooms. Do I start showing her some love? I guess it depends how she responds to any conversations she has with him today. I told her he would surely deny it and try to cover it up. If she buys his lies I will most likely be done. I don't see her buying it though as angry as she was.
Oh, you want to start showing some love? Like a little hugging, some cuddling, a kiss here & there....and who knows, you might even get lucky, now that she's mad at OM? I honestly hope you aren't thinking in that direction.
If having a bruised ego causes her to turn to you for physical affection, please be careful and don't have sex with her right away. I think the only reason she would even agree to have sex would be to spite OM. Her emotions are anything but stable at the moment, and I would hope that you want her to have sex with you b/c she desires you, and not for any other reason.
She may just want to be held and comforted b/c she's feeling the sting of rejection. If you want to do it, that's your business. Just don't believe that it has anything to do with the MR. It's still all about her. She's hurt and wants to be petted. A strong, mature minded man will remain calm and not take advantage of the temptation to pour salt into her wound. Neither will he act as if everything is fixed now that OM is out of the picture. (B/c he's not out, yet).
I don't think you should be trying to have a lot of conversations with her today. I mean, what do you want to say? She needs to let this sit with her a few days. Besides, she will contact OM again. You realize that, right?
You are acting on impulses and out of an emotional high. I suggest you remain calm and collected and not try to persuade her to do anything or agree to anything at the moment.
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She has said she knows what she is doing is wrong but can't stop.
Okay, so if she couldn't stop when she knew it was wrong, why would she stop when she finds out OM is a jerk? The answer is b/c she is addicted.
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But with so many days of pain and anger and sadness... I'm going to let part of me enjoy watching fantasy land burn down. I just hope it gets completely leveled. Maybe that makes me twisted but it's how I feel right now.
Careful, your halo is weighing you down there. Seriously, I get it. I just hope that you do, too. It would be easy to slip into a position of acting like her judge or maybe even a little bit self-righteous.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
wow I appreciate the help but really feels like an ass chewing. There isn't a fn manual on how to handle this. I've been betrayed for 6 months. I have dropped 25 lbs. Am I at my best after being crushed over and over again. Nope. But I am stronger in a way. I am prepared to move on without her. My stance is I will be open and honest and be the person I am. I know right now she will get space and she will get it. I will not ask anything of her right now. I agree on intimacy too. Believe it or not I am far from ready for that. She will remain in the basement for a while.
I do fear that once her anger passes she will miss the addiction.
I know it will take time for her to get over it if she is choosing to end it. She started talking to me about it on the phone and I said as much as I want to be there for you right now I think you should talk to your brother to get a non bias opinion. She agreed.
I don't have any answers at this point. I know things aren't better. I just have a little hope that maybe, maybe the other thing is finally over.
Gosh... I know it was for the wrong reasons, but I had a little happiness today. Then I come in here and get my tail handed to me. Probably deserved it, but be nice. I came here for help.
Gosh... I know it was for the wrong reasons, but I had a little happiness today. Then I come in here and get my tail handed to me. Probably deserved it, but be nice. I came here for help.
NO you did not deserve to be cheated on.
Everyone is trying to HELP you, sorry you don't think so.
This is a marathon not a sprint - take all the time you need.
Hi just read through your last post and Sandis answers. The positive thing you did was telling her to talk to her brother Why would you even entertain talking about OM with her ? That's friends territory' and not where you want to be
Don't take the ass chewing personal it's something we all need because it easy and understandable why you would enjoy Ws news but it that who you want to be ?
I truly get how you feel but it's not exactly heathy Detach from her and any news of OM is not worth your headspace
Just my humble opinion , again the brother thing was perfect
Ok... so I overreacted... but I think my actions definitely changed my W opinion of the guy. Maybe it's just temporary. I don't know. But to see her furious with him and wanting his W to know the truth felt good. So I can't change anything I did last night and today...
So what do I do now. I know she needs space. What if she wants to talk about the OM? How do I proceed? I want it to work out. I want her to be done with the other guy. I want her to focus on herself before she if starts to think about our MR.
Hey look, I'm not chewing your a$$! I am a former wayward wife and I am trying to help you by telling you from the WW viewpoint. Don't expect me to coddle you. You were sounding pretty cocky when you were crowing about how good it felt to see her hurting, so don't try to go all soft and want me to be gentle with you.
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There isn't a fn manual on how to handle this.
Really?
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Gosh... I know it was for the wrong reasons, but I had a little happiness today. Then I come in here and get my tail handed to me. Probably deserved it, but be nice. I came here for help.
Yes, it was for the wrong reasons that you had a little happiness, and isn't that exactly what your WW was doing that led her to this point?
Had you rather me pamper you and tell fairy tales? This stuff is tough, and if you can't handle what I have to say....I don't know how you will handle what your wayward wife dishes out.
My intentions was not to squash your hope, but to prepare you for the reality that's coming. So many LBH's believe that when the A has been exposed then everything will be okay. Therefore, they aren't prepared and don't know what to do when they see things aren't fixed.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I completely realize things will not be ok. Things weren't ok before that's why were are where we are now. I get that. I would just be happy to start trying to work on our MR. She can't do that as long as the OM is in the picture. Is he completely out yet... I don't know. She's seems adamant, but that could change. I realize that. I know she will need time before she can start thinking about us. But I think this is a HUGE opportunity... so I don't want to mess it up. So lay it on me. I'll put on my big boy pants and do whatever it takes. DO I completely detach (which I have been doing). Do I show her my best? I know S P A C E will be huge for her.
Here's a problem I have... her brother is the person she respects most in this world. They are super tight. They need to talk. But my W [censored] at reaching out for help. Part of why she is where she is today is because she has tried to do this on her own. I want to contact him and tell him he needs to talk to her, but is that crossing a line. I am real close with him. We are good friends. But I know his sister comes before me as she should. Do I reach out to him?
I am a fixer. I can't get out of my own way. I have been working real hard on that. But right now I'm in full on fixer mode. I'm trying to shut it down.
I honestly hope you aren't thinking in that direction. 
