So W found out last night that OM isn't so perfect and has been lying to her too after reading several texts OMW sent me. She was pissed and hurt. Obviously she would expect him to lie to his wife but he told my W that he was moving out and done with his marriage. His W said he told her that he loved her and wanted to fix their marriage. A couple other lies to my W too. Plus he threw her under the bus making her look like a stalker. I said if he loves you he could have come up with lies that didn't make you look bad. My W wants to send his wife emails that OM send her. Showing he was the one pushing for things. I said that might get him kicked out and pursue you more, but do what you want to do. She is mad.
So what do I do... Nothing as I have been doing... basically being roommates living in different bedrooms. Do I start showing her some love? I guess it depends how she responds to any conversations she has with him today. I told her he would surely deny it and try to cover it up. If she buys his lies I will most likely be done. I don't see her buying it though as angry as she was.
My W had a fling with an OM whose W she knew and who he knew me.
After reading the last posts, I think you are missing the basic point in favour of the day to day actions and dramas.
It does not matter the reason why he cheated on his W nor should it be yours. It does not matter what he told his wife nor should it be yours. It is not your job to downgrade the OM. He cheated on his W for whatever the reason and it is of no concern to you, even though it was with your W.
As for you, you should not try to win back your W by trying to portray the OM as a creep or d1ck. In fact you should not try to win back your wife. She has to win you back.
Secondly, the underlying problem here which I think you are missing is that she should not have got involved with him. Period. Regardless if he is a d1ck or a really nice guy she betrayed the R and that is what you have to work on.
Why she did it and if you want your WW to be your W again you have to work on you and how you start to interact with her.
When I found out who other guy was I told him to stay away and threatened him. I even waited for him one night outside the gym. I was literally going to beat the sh1t out of him. He never showed up. I confronted my wife and also laid out a few of the flaws of this pr1ck.
The truth however is that it does not matter. If my W still wanted to have anything to do with him she was, even if I b1tch slapped him into never neverland.
So I decided to back off and continue working on myself and letting my W decide what she wanted to do. I told her it was her call but this train was not waiting. When she had made up her mind it may be too late. I still have anger issues about the event and if I still see him there is an 80% chance I will slap him even if he is with his family and I am with my W. It is a stupid macho ego thing I know but he was pretty sure of himself when I confronted him because he was always protected. Now he knows he is my target.
Anyway, that is one thing. As for my W she is changing and I know she has a storm in her head but she is changing and our R has changed since this all blew up.
Bottom line is dont concentrate on the OM. Concentrate on yourself. We hear it a lot and it is the truth. You have to make sure you rebuild your R with your W to that point where infront of temptation she will not fall again. Where you know that everytime she walks out the door she comes back being a loving and faithful wife.
You wont get that attacking the other guy. You cant tell a drunk how bad booze is. He has to abstain and go through the withdrawal symptoms by himself. He knows booze s@cks. He has to be the one to make the move.
One final thing which I think is more worrying, I estimate it will be a year before this starts to fade out. 6 months before she has OM desires of ever getting into another A again out of her system and 6 months before she starts to interact with you as a W who does from the heart and you will need 6-12 months before you have absolute trust. All this with the supposition that there are no major hiccups along the way.
The time line is obviously approximate and depends on her capacity to overcome whatever issues she had to do this and your capacity to unconditionally forgive her.
I agree with everything you are saying, but I think as long as she thought she was in love with Mr. perfect we never had a chance. I have no idea what will happen now. It does feel good to see her hurt some and realize the guy is probably a jerk. I will be done with the drama. That is on her now. I agree that I need to keep working on myself. I have no illusions that things are all better now. She will continue to sleep in the basement until I see some serious remorse and effort. She has said all along that she loves me and wants to be with me. She has said she knows what she is doing is wrong but can't stop.
I am a completely different person that I was when this started. I am strong enough to end it. She knows I have plans in place to move on without her. I have said that I will always love her but I can't be married to someone who isn't 100% committed to me. I told her this really doesn't change anything for me (even though it makes me a bit happy that it's blowing up). I told her I have busted my ass to save this marriage for 6 months. I said I was done doing anything until I started seeing actions on her part.
I know it will be a long haul ahead of us. I told her that. I said this will not be easy. But if we put in the hard work now, maybe we can have a great life and family down the road.
Ultimately she will have to show serious remorse and realize she has to figure some things out so this never happens again. I think we are aware of what caused is to pull apart, but it will take work to fix all the damage. I am prepared to do the work. She knows that. Put I won't do a thing until she shows me she wants to work at it too. Even then there are no guarantees.
But with so many days of pain and anger and sadness... I'm going to let part of me enjoy watching fantasy land burn down. I just hope it gets completely leveled. Maybe that makes me twisted but it's how I feel right now.
Maybe I didn't handle it the best... but my W really thought this guy was perfect. So when I saw the chance to show her this guy is lying to you and using you I took it. I didn't seek it out. The OMW contacted me so I just used what she said.
I was at the point of filing because I thought she would never get over him and give us a chance to see if we could figure it out. I still am not sure where she stands with OM. But I do know she is pissed at him.
So maybe it was a mistake how I handled it, but when I saw a chance to ruin her happy fling I took it. She has taken so much from me I thought it was justified.
Maybe I didn't handle it the best... but my W really thought this guy was perfect. So when I saw the chance to show her this guy is lying to you and using you I took it. I didn't seek it out. The OMW contacted me so I just used what she said.
I was at the point of filing because I thought she would never get over him and give us a chance to see if we could figure it out. I still am not sure where she stands with OM. But I do know she is pissed at him.
So maybe it was a mistake how I handled it, but when I saw a chance to ruin her happy fling I took it. She has taken so much from me I thought it was justified.
It's impossible to save a marriage when there are more than two people in it. You know where I stand on getting affairs squashed like the nasty little things they are. That event may help her step back and assess herself. She won't like what she finds. Then again, maybe it won't. Some of the things you said in earlier posts were very good. If you truly have the strength to walk away from this marriage then you're doing very well. That is also an event that contributes to them waking up and lifting the fog.
Sometimes when the fog lifts, they still don't want the marriage. You have to be ready for that too. I think you're doing fine. There is no perfect solution for this or there would be no divorce. Stay the course.
I can't blame you for how you feel! I don't know what I would have done in your shoes. But looking at it from the outside I would suggest you be careful as this could backfire on you. She could end up turning things around and feeling that you are NOW that man that ruined her perfect R and her M. I am just thinking how my WAW would throw this back on me.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
