I am still around.. just not posting as frequently.. working on me. Beginning to truly accept the fact that there is nothing I can do to help WW or MR.
I walk my dog at night. Typically 10-15 minute walk but last night I sat outside on the front steps; just chilling with my dog (yes, it was cold). Walked in and WW made a comment, saying she was about to lock the door, then she followed that up with, I didn't have to go outside to have privacy; that it doesn't bother her. I was like.. what?? I just didn't reply.
Then this morning, I said "good morning" to WW (just to be polite). Her reply was "um". So, I didn't respond to that either.
Then later today while at work she texted me about a comment I shared with my son about me having to possibly take a short business trip (my work typically does not require me to travel but wants me to take a course). In her text she told me that I should let her know ASAP on my work travel (but I have no control over that).. her last comment was "that's chicken sh!t" referring to me telling my S8. What?? I suppose it is if I was afraid to tell her.. but I not.. I did not tell her directly because it is not finalized and I was just chatting with my S8.
This weekend WW asked me, "what are we going to do". In a calm manner I reply, "what do you want to do". She responds she is not sure. I pause, then reply that the options have not changed..
1) separate.. 2) continue like it is.. 3) work on MR.. which she responds she does not want to.
So I just keep driving to our destination (running errands).
Yesterday, S10 did not go to school because of a bad cold/flu. I stayed home with him.
When I went to get S8 from school, I moved WW's bicycle out of garage to get my bicycle.. left all the bicycles outside of garage and WW gets home.
First thing she says when she walks through the door is "don't ride my bike.. if I can't drive your car.. you can't ride my bike". I respond I didn't ride your bicycle it's there because I had to move it to get to my bicycle.
She then goes to her bedroom to take a nap (she has a bad cold/flu too). She wakes up after kids and I ate dinner.. she does not look good or feel good but carries a conversation with me as if nothing happened.
I know she does not feel well and her head hurts.. so I offer to massage her neck and back because its something I would like if I did not feel well.. (no intention of pursing). After she goes to her bedroom to sleep.
This morning, both S10 and WW still have cold/flu and stayed home. I took S8 to school on bicycle (taking advantage of the break in weather) and returned home to get ready for work. As a kind gesture, I took a hot cup of tea to WW in bed (left it by her bedside), told her that S8 rode bike to school and I left van for her to pick him up after school.
Note, I have a narrow driveway so I had to move the van onto the street to get my car out that was parked in garage. Then I returned the van back into driveway.
Here is where it gets weird. Last time, I took the van because it was the first vehicle in driveway she said.. "I don't want to drive your car".. several times over the past few months she would make comments to kids like "dad does not want me to drive his car".
Then this morning I get a text from her and it says.. "You're to fu!@ing much. You move the van out so I don't drive fu!@ing car! I get it. We need to start a separation cause I'm over this bu!!$hit".
I simply text back what was shared that morning. No matter what I do I cannot win..
I haven't been posting for awhile because I have been working on me and GAL. But my WW throws these roadblocks in my way making it much more challenging to move forward.
Hi Sandi, good to hear from you. That's a great question because I still do not have the answer to it. I was working on me and DB'ing.. that was my plan and I was executing it.. (ie. being respectful and mindful towards WW.. stopped texting/calling WW during the day to checkin.. GAL.. etc).
I do not want S or D because it will hurt us both individual socially, economically, and mentally. Take away the emotions and look at the facts.. there is no doubt it will crash us. The big factor are our KIDS. It will kill them especially S8 (WW and I both feel he is developmentally/emotionally behind).
WW has asked me several times if it is better for kids to see a healthy MR rather than what we have.. I have never physically or verbally attacked my W.. kids do not see physical affection (holding hands/a kiss between us but we both give a lot of physical affection towards kids) but I do not think they care.. all they care about is that mommy and daddy are together (laugh, smile, joke, etc as a family) and always there to support them and love them unconditionally.
I am torn because if S or D is what she wants to be happy; I do not want to be the obstacle.. and on the other side do I stand to fight for my kids because who will fight for what they want (their best interest) if I do not?!?
So I do not have a plan other than continue to work on me (for now).. any insight/thought is EXTREMELY welcomed.
Hi Sandi, it's not that I have not thought about it. What I do feel is WW is not here with me in MR. I accept that we are here co-parenting and I am happy to support our kids $$ (more than 50%). We are here co-habitating and I feel this should be closer to 50% $$ because she works and is able to support herself. However I am sure this is NOT how she feels. I covered 100% of living expenses.. but now that I am coming out of the fog.. this is where I need to stand my ground and disagree because I did not end the MR.. she did and makes it clear she does not want to work on MR.. I have no obligation to support her.. right?
I have learned so much from this experience. I honestly see my flaws and opportunities for improvement to be a better man, father.. and hopefully someday a husband/partner.
