The start of my Happiness 3

[Tyler12]

Something I can't wrap my head around tonight and I am tired of banging my head against the wall so hopefully someone can give me some insight.

Why an affair? i understand my faults that contributed and the cries for help I missed or dismissed. The signs I didn't pick up and the signs I wrote off as her problem.

I also understand getting emotional needs met elsewhere when they are unfulfilled. I haven't and don't care to confirm PA. Though i suspect it and it wouldn't surprise me.
I just don't understand how someone can get to that point before you leave your S before D is done.

I accept my faults and I have been working my ass off to better myself for someone that has hurt me more than any person ever had or will.

Writing this out has helped me actually. I had opened a new train of thought as to why I have hope anymore. The fact that someone I love would do that to someone that they loved once fillse with disgust and resentment. I don't know if I can look at her the same anymore.

Right now if she asked to R I would give it a shot. I wouldn't jump at it like I would have a month ago. And in a month from now would I even give it a shot?

Someday I will confront her on all of this. But not until I know that the answers will not hurt anymore, that what I hear will not effect me. I will get to that point. It's not today, but I am a heck of a lot closer than I was yesterday.

[Flight]

Why the affair? Because this person is emotionally weak. They have poor coping skills. Their world view stems from selfishness, immaturity and a sense of entitlement. Given certain stressors, lack of happiness, boredom, not enough sex, feeling misunderstood, etc. they feel they deserve to have those happy love feelings. Plenty of other people experience the same stress or lack of feeling their needs are being met and they don't cheat. They talk about it, try to work it out with their spouse, get help themselves, or leave the relationship. They don't cheat. A cheater cheats because they want to. They want those feelings and don't stop to consider anything above themselves and all the damage they will leave in their wake. That's really about it.

[Tyler12]

Thank you flight. I have been thinking hard in what you wrote before responding to it. First I thought ok. What was the stresser, unhappiness from my actions and behaviour.

Then that got me thinking of the first part.

Because this person is emotionally weak. They have poor coping skills. Their world view stems from selfishness, immaturity and a sense of entitlement.

I started trying to think of what in her life would cause this. I don't claim to know every single detail of her upbringing though I do know a lot and how she was raised. I fail to see where these qualities would have been instilled.

The point is she has and is this person. Before I met her. This behaviour is something she has to deal with or it will be a cycle for the rest of her life. Her mother saw this and tried to warn her of that. W of course paid no attention to it.

Your post helped me more than understanding why On a psychological level which is what I was looking for. It helped me to accept that if anything is to happen between us again that she needs to accept her faults and deal with them before I will consider a MR. In short. She needs to sort herself before I can put myself in harms way again.

[Tyler12]

There was a really tough moment on the drive with the boys that I wanted to share as well. S3 asked where we were going for about the 8th time and I explained again that we were going to meet mommy so they could go to her house.

This time he asked me if I was coming too. I asked coming where?
To mommys house too, with us. I told him no I wasn't going to mommys too and he asked me why. I explained that i had to go back to our house in xxxx because that's were I lived with them. He asked if it was because the cat couldn't be alone too. And I said yes to that and had to laugh.

It's selfish but part of me hopes his innocence shakes her sometimes. That he asks her questions like that to make her think.

[- MB -]

Someday I will confront her on all of this. But not until I know that the answers will not hurt anymore, that what I hear will not effect me. I will get to that point. It's not today, but I am a heck of a lot closer than I was yesterday.

By the time you get to that point, you won't care about what her answer would be anymore.

Why the affair? Who knows. Even if you asked her, she probably wouldn't be able to give you an answer that would make any sense to you. She felt like she needed something and chose to get it from someone outside of her marriage. I'm sorry that it happened to you, to me, and to everyone else on this list.

[- MB -]

Because this person is emotionally weak. They have poor coping skills. Their world view stems from selfishness, immaturity and a sense of entitlement. Given certain stressors, lack of happiness, boredom, not enough sex, feeling misunderstood, etc. they feel they deserve to have those happy love feelings.

While this might be true for a lot of people that cheat, it certainly can't be used as a blanket statement for all people that cheat. There are others out there that cheat but aren't selfish, immature or have a sense of entitlement. I know that everyone on here wants to think that the LBS is great and the WAS are horrible selfish jerks that just should have stayed put, but that's not true either. Now I don't condone cheating, but sometimes people try other things and can't find a way out because of the kids, or money, abusive spouse, or whatever. And, sometimes the LBS ignore all attempts to fix the marriage because of their own problems.

I'm not saying that this has anything at all to do with you Tyler. You seem like a nice guy. I'm just saying in general, that your W may have reasons other than what was stated above for her thought process that led her down the wrong path.

[Tyler12]

Your right MB, by the time I get to the point of confronting her I wouldn't care what the reason was.

However I tend to agree with Flight on the reasoning. I admit that I too was at fault and contributed to my sitch. I have identified what I have realized and work to fix that in myself. I am sure I will see more as time goes on.

She could have come to me and said she is leaving without being with someone else first tho. She said multiple times that we each need to find our own happiness and be an I before a We. So how does she plan on being an I when she never stopped being a We? While I am supposed to figure it out in my own.

[Tyler12]

The spew is so unreal it makes me laugh. I don't even get upset anymore.

After she moved she ordered a new drivers license to change her address and I assume name back to maiden. Anyway she had been waiting for 3 weeks for it to come and gives me a blast today. Thanks for letting me know the registry office called. Been waiting on my license for 3 weeks!

I said. What message. I have passed along any messages or mail to you. And why are they phoning me?

The house was a contact but I changed that now.

So I get home and yes there is a message. Left 2 hours after I had gone out for the day! And it says they couldn't deliver it because of a issue with the address SHE gave them.

So I said. Got the message at 9 today. Passing it along. No response and probably won't be.

Love how everything is still my fault.... Makes me question myself even more

[Tyler12]

Here is another thing that grinds my gears.

W pushed and pushed to get a kitten. We already had a cat and a dog and at first I said no. Not happening. I'm not a cat guy and though I like dogs, I can easily live without. Eventually I partially broke down and said ok. As long as you feel you can handle training it and all that.

That bought me a good 6 months until a friend had a batch of kittens and she fell in love with one. So guess who got a new kitten.

Now guess where the kitten she had to have is..... That's right. She took the dog and older cat which was fine. She had the first cat before we met and the dog I got her as a companion when she first moved to my place so she had a friend. But the new cat was left with me. Not because I wanted it but because she didn't.

This cat drives me nuts. First it goes into heat and I'm ready to strangle it. Now it has started pissing on S3 bed...

Will the kids miss the cat? No. Will W be mad I gave it away, probably.
The cat is lonely. She used to play with the dog all day and now she had no one all day. And I don't do cats so she doesn't get attention from me either.

Before someone writes it. No I am not getting another cat. And I don't have time to properly train a dog. So that's out.

I guess te issue is I don't want te cat but I am holding onto it because we got it? And she will judge if I get rid of it? I am not sure why I care. I have had 2 friends offer to take her without me complaining about her.

Sounds silly but does it prove anything to W if I keep it get rid of the cat? Also. Why do I care?

[Thornton]

What a nightmare! Can you give the cat up for adoption?