One of the 180s I wanted to make was that I was always on the computer while the H was sitting next to me watching TV - I wanted to 180 that, but now it seems like that would mean that I would watch a show with him...and isn't that somewhat pursuit instead of GAL. How do I 180 that?
Nooooo R talk right off the plane. No! People say things when angry or hurt. We do, our H do, try to show him with actions over words and talking about the R or the D.
Hmmm about the tv situation though I think it would be okay to watch tv with him.. Or maybe read a book in there or watch the tv instead of phone or computer?? I have no idea.
I'm curious what the advice on that because I want to 180 how we hangout and I need to advice too lol.
REEEEDD... See, why do I jump to this talking thing...thats all I do!
I need to come up with actions that will show him that I do want to work on the M if and when he's ready..
I'm afraid to be sweet, because every time I am - sweet or friendly - he throws the "my feelings won't change" card in my face like I'm doing it on purpose when really, I am choosing to look past all of this to a better future.
I know I'm a sweet, thoughtful, caring person and I want him to be reminded of that side. Not the needy, controlling, stressed-out side.
It is hard to stfu. I AM THE TALKER, I am the crying on the couch next to you begging you to please talk to me because you won't talk. I'm that stage 5 clinger who is an emotional ball. I always want to talk my feelings out.AND I DO, but HERE! Lol instead of to him or other people.
Biggest 180 for ME and my sanity was to stfu. I had to because the talks always made me hurt more. I don't want to hurt more. They never helped me especially now being separated.
We can totally still be nice and sweet without being a kiss a OR without coming off as chasing. If he says his feelings won't change, Just remember they DID love us, THAT changed so they can RELOVE and CHANGE their MIND AGAIN.
I had to figure it out. I had to learn to say stuff like :
A- hey, if you would like some chicken salad, there is extra in the kitchen and let it go. Friendly like I would tell my brother ( i'd of course make extra just incase he wanted some but if not then well leftovers.)
VS B- hey would you like me to make you lunch? Want a sandwich? I'll bring you it since you are watching tv.
With A- I get a okay, cool, thank you.
With B- I got a stop kissing up, I can make my own darn sandwich, leave me alone, I am not hungry blah blah.
I'm still learning but I'm getting better. We both joined here at the same time. I just think since I physically see my wah in person a whole lot more that ive hard to learn things quicker and adjust.
At least you are preparing for when you do see him so you habe a game plan!
It is hard to stfu. I AM THE TALKER, I am the crying on the couch next to you begging you to please talk to me because you won't talk. I'm that stage 5 clinger who is an emotional ball. I always want to talk my feelings out.AND I DO, but HERE! Lol instead of to him or other people.
Biggest 180 for ME and my sanity was to stfu. I had to because the talks always made me hurt more. I don't want to hurt more. They never helped me especially now being separated.
I don't want to hurt more either - I didn't think about it that way. Always looking for answers or a little glimmer of hope...and I need to stop.
I like your food examples - that's something I am STRESSING about. How to navigate that situation, and all the wifely stuff that I used to do that I'm not wanted for anymore. :[ I know he doesn't want me to MOTHER him, it's something that I did despite him not wanting me to - his laundry, worrying about him eating, all of those things. He even told me once that he wanted to do his laundry, you know what I did...gave him some ridiculous reason that it was easier for me to do it. SERIOUSLY. I'm looking back and things are just...standing out. I didn't listen. I didn't truly listen.
I thought answers would be a glimmer of hope, I took the glimmer, made myself he was coming home, and he was like I still want the D. Broke my heart, I gave up looking for any hope. Unless he tells me straight I want to R, I want to fix this, I try to ignore all the other signs and mixed signals. EVEN though they drive me insane..and make NO sense.
I did it too, I did too much mothering things thinking it would make him love and appreciate me more but really it made him take me for granted.
NOW you have then chance to listen. If he wants to do laundry, great. One basket for you, one basket for me. I do mine when I want, you do yours when you want. If he doesn't and ends up smelling like a gross hobo, well at least no girls will wanna be smelling or near him LOL. Just see it that way now! If my WAH want's to eat fast food and get a belly. BRING IT. Before I made sure he would eat healthy and balanced. Now (in my head of course) i'm like yeah..you eat the snickers and get a beer belly. Less people will want you hahaha.
The last two posts show you still have detaching to do. It's reaching that point of zen peace where your partner's actions do not hold a strong sway on you and your emotions. "Not my circus, not my monkeys" (personal mantra).
Quote:
If he doesn't and ends up smelling like a gross hobo, well at least no girls will wanna be smelling or near him LOL. Just see it that way now! If my WAH want's to eat fast food and get a belly. BRING IT. Before I made sure he would eat healthy and balanced. Now (in my head of course) i'm like yeah..you eat the snickers and get a beer belly. Less people will want you hahaha.
This had me laughing so hard!
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Yesterday driving and finishing up the house, I just stopped in my tracks. I had been telling H that I'd be okay with D (which I'm not) and was negotiating terms and a bunch of other things. Then, out of anger I said I didn't want to see him and he said, after I asked what he wanted, he wanted the D. BUT...he was panting, literally panting. After that convo, he apologized for how things have been, and for "everything".
So, yesterday I was soul searching and seriously taking a time out from life to feel EVERYTHING I've been brushing aside. I heard everything I had said differently - I wasn't being honest, I wasn't being intentional. I was protecting MYSELF from more hurt. I was doing exactly what I didn't WANT to do and was agreeing to things I don't agree on out of absolute fear of losing the love of my life. I feel like this doesn't get worse...
I broke down and messaged him in a voice message. I said I wasn't being honest because I was afraid. I want to be intentional about what I say and not say anything off the cuff, because those off the cuff statements hurt and they just aren't the truth. They're pain just being strewn about as defense. I told him I want to be friends, and more than anything I want our friendship to grow into something amazing that I know we can have (ugh, I know..but it's true). I said the other day that I wanted to make it work for D4 and that wasn't the whole truth either. I want this for us, I want this for a happy...a blissfully happy us that I know we can be. I also said there was no pressure and I left it there.
I KNOW - BROKE THE BIGGEST RULE ON R TALKS but it was one sided lol
He listened to them, didn't say anything. I checked on him this morning just because I know he's getting ready to leave. He didn't say anything again, and that's okay. I think he'll have a lot of time to think on the way back.
I'm just really scared.
I was scared I messed up, but I really felt like he needed to know coming home that I don't want this - I think I sent a lot of mixed messages in agreeing to terms, just so he could have some peace of mind. I don't know. UGH!
At the end of this day, I know that I know this man - no matter what he is saying - I know his soul. I know he's hurting, confused and conflicted. I want to be his lighthouse. I want to be his calm. So, now I feel like I can pull back and show him this woman that he hasn't truly seen in a long time. The woman who has a sense of humor, who is fun, and wants his attention...and doesn't push him away, take jabs at what he says, or criticize him.
I'm trying not to read too much into it, but he listened to a song he sent to me in the beginning of all of this called die a happy man, I saw it on his music history in an app we share. The single country song he EVER listened to, he said he was a sucker for good lyrics when he sent it a few months ago. I saw that and thought...there is hope (or its for an OW). Funny, perception really messed with me on that one.
Soon enough - he'll be back tomorrow night y'all.
How do I keep my cool. God, will he even hug me? The biggest part of me ACHES for him to see me and just KNOW...that everything will be okay and we can leave this all behind. ALL of it. We can move forward together and work on ourselves, and work together for us. I don't know...I'm so hopeful, so scared. I feel so helpless for wanting so much.
At the end of this day, I know that I know this man - no matter what he is saying - I know his soul. I know he's hurting, confused and conflicted. I want to be his lighthouse. I want to be his calm. So, now I feel like I can pull back and show him this woman that he hasn't truly seen in a long time. The woman who has a sense of humor, who is fun, and wants his attention...and doesn't push him away, take jabs at what he says, or criticize him.
Be this women then girly. Be her. I cant judge you for breaking the R rule. I have 2x.
I feel like I'm getting there. I need to stomp this fear out tonight. I'm just so tired of it all...of going back and forth. I need to enjoy my life with or without him.
Yes Squiggy, detaching right now is hard. You'd think it would be easier because of the distance but I find its much, much harder than anticipated.
