My step sister said the same thing. She thinks he is really moving back to watch me or to be controlling because even though his dad said out by Feb 29, his mom said he could stay as long as he needs to and he doesn't have to leave.
I dont go out but he thinks( because I didn't spend the night at my house but went to be with my mom and sisters) that this week I went out tuesday, wednesday, last night and tonight for the superbowl. I'm staying home for the superbowl but I'm trying to DB and be vague and just SAY I dont know instead of telling him everything.
So do you think we should SHARE the MB or kick him out of the MB and I keep it and he gets where ever else in the house? He works overnight so the only nights we actually would be in the same bed is maybe 2-3 nights a week tops on a great week but usually 2 or less depending on work schedule.
If it's hard to enforce boundaries then do so. Your choice and you can change your mind.
Also if you are receiving the same message from several places then consider the opinion carefully. What is your"gut feel? Is that which you are doing working for you? Can you cope with WH back in your space?"
Further do you think WH returning home is a strategy to remove you from the house?
Take extreme care and be safe.
You can say "I am unsure about you living here in the same house"
And "what alternatives are there WH."
I wish to delay this until I feel ready.
Check your phone, tablet and computer for keyloggers and monitoring of your whereabouts too.
Keep on checking as well over time that you have your space, freedom etc.
This man sacked you as his W, he wanted you to go home, to have no resources, to control your destiny.
Care. You have come a long way in knowing your sitch, you are GAL. I as a supporter for you want to see this continue.
Hugs
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I'm not sure what I want yet. He hasnt told me what he wants so I'm curious.
I worry he will say EVERY night he is off I NEED to leave vs just when he keeps the kids overnight which is once a week or so.
I'm not willing to leave for 2-3 days a week. I guess I need to ask him how he expects this to work if he comes and then really think about what I want.
I worry I wont be able to GAL or do anything when he comes but then again I'm 24, and he as you said fired me as his wife so even if I put the kids to sleep there is no reason for me not to be able to GAL after. They go to sleep at 7:30-8pm.
I worry he will expect me to do EVERYTHING like I USED to. Clean, cook, get his uniform ready,pack his meals, make him coffee, pick up his dry cleaning etc whatever.
I will look for keyloggers. I'll do that today. My phone has a password he won't know but the computer doesnt.
He is getting very predictable as well. I can tell my mom or sister he will call or text by x time and if he doesnt he will show up physically by x time and I'm 90% right. Along with at least 2-3 x a week he likes to surprise me by showing up at someones house I'm at to see the kids( sometimes I feel its to see if Im lying)
I have never lied but sometimes he makes me want to park my car behind the privacy fence in the backyard to see what would happen. Probably wouldnt be smart idea though.
I was thinking for child support-he will not drop telling me he can only give me 400$ a month and no more.
He said we need to talk about it Monday or Tuesday so we can "prepare" for the divorce he doesnt want to go to get a divorce and have me complaining about what he can afford and he doesn't want to pay 1000$ and loose everything he has either.
I DON'T want to talk about court or lawyers or anything because that is when he flips out and yells and shuts down and says I'm trying to ** him over.
Id like to say- yes wah's name I think 400$ is good child support WHILE separated and while you are still paying for everything.
That being said if I get a job for 10$ an hour as a cna after taxes I will bring home around 1200-1300$. You would like for me to cover child care, which is fine while we are separated since I have no other bills.
Child care is 1150$ a month and i'd have enough for gas and the 400$ would be enough to cover the kids expenses and food.
When-if we proceed with the D though I will be negative hundreds of dollars. I will need my own car insurance, gas, food, items for kids, health insurance, etc and still paying for all of the child care I will not be able to do that.
How about we figure out that later when I do have a job, and see how much it will cost in gas, and other expenses and figure that out at a later time but if you would like to start giving me the 400$ now I will gladly accept it.
For the moving in this is all I got: I would like to be able to make this situation the best for both of us. I want to stay in the MBR and if you would want you can stay in there with me with boundaries on what will or will not happen or we can set you up a room across the house in the toy room and rearrange everything.
I will glady still leave on ONE of your days off like we have been doing so you can have that alone time and quality time with the kids since we will be together the rest of the week.
How you are handling the money situation is golden - calm, and collected. Truthfully, you shouldn't agree to a $ amount until you DO know what your finances will look like and I think you're handling that in a respectable, mature manner which speaks volumes. Sometimes it feels like WAH says those things to push buttons and get a freak out moment to justify their decisions.
I like your MBR suggestion, and I think it's something I'll be taking inspiration from.
Roar- it is really hard. I'm mostly trying to get him to drop the issue for now since it makes him very angry to talk about but I also can't keep not talking about it because he brings it up all the time.
V- That is a good idea. I will add a 4th one as well which will be on my OWN. The budget of what I came up with was just for if I lived with my mom. I couldn't even afford a 2-3 bedroom apartment over here where I live without another extra 800-1200$ a month on top of my maybe 1200$ paycheck AND child support.
He thinks because we had a house (really bought cheaply when the market was lower)and all our bills he could afford before that I should be able to be fine but I think he forgets that is with being a SAHM to make sure we didnt need to pay 1200$ in child care and our house payment is only 420$ while an apartment or rental will be 3x that.
Do I just make a spreadsheet and hand it to him with all the different budgets so he can see or is that for me?
I think you need to know these figures and keep refining them.
If it were me after discussion with WH I would say, I would like to think about this a little, perhaps put something together as I feel unsure. How did you get to your figure? Can I see how?
Then refine your figures again, only discuss the sitches you want to discuss with WH.
Cards, close, chest and confidential.
Let your workings be a straw dog (something to be shot down) and you might put a couple of errors in there, say an expense figure ten times too big, to give hime something to point out to you and buy you revision time.
Being prepared is going to be so worthwhile.
Hugs
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
He called me today and was cranky on the phone. He said his parents are letting them stay now as long as he needs to he is no longer moving back in but he wanted to know if 400$ was okay.
I told him I would rather talk in person and he got mad at me. He said that I'm being dumb and I don't listen to him. He said even with the D he is giving me my car and still wants to pay for my car insurance, cell phone, health, on top of the 400$.
Isn't that weird? Is it? How does that even work? Here ex hubby, here are my bills for this month for my health, car, phone, could you pay them please?
I didn't think it would make me sad for him not to move in but it does. I don't know why. I feel like him living with his parents it will push him to start the divorce faster and give me less time to DB with the pressure of his dad.
I think I am going to do that V. While we are separated and not filed I will tell him that 400$ is going to be okay (MAYBE) if it's just for my gas and groceries but until I GET a job, put the kids in full time to daycare, and SO MANY other factors, I really won't know if it is going to be enough down the road and we have to wait..and I will keep finding reasons to not settle on a number until then I guess.
