Everything will work out in the end

[Rouky]

Yes NYGAL, I have found it thanks

[Rain75]

Hey Rouky. I'm glad that you're going to see your parents. I hope you have great visit.

As for your question, and please take this with a grain of salt, I am no expert as we know. I would first tell you to ask yourself as DR says...'will doing this get my closer to my goal'.

And second will you be okay? You were very upset and emotional with him coming around to the house. If you are in a different place mentally and emotionally and can handle it and can celebrate it as a baby step then I say yes.

Just my opinion.

[Rouky]

Thanks Rain for the advice. I have decided not to invite him round. If I get another message, I will reply saying that he can come if he wants. If I don't get another message, I won't bother with it.

I'm feeling in a better place now and don't really want to jeopardise this. STBXH has checked out a long time ago ( for me it was when he started A), and it's a long time to fall back in love with me. So I'm moving on with my life, become the better I can be and see what comes my way.

[Rouky]

Just to reply to Shotgun as I don't want to high jack his post and I'm sorry if it's too long.

No my STBXH isn't a fool, he is just a person who has a lot to deal from his childhood and didn't get the support I should have provided him with. He felt unloved (not that I don't love him, but I didn't show it enough since birth of the kids), critized (he was right as whatever he was doing it wasn't good enough for me), not understood ( I wasn't listening to him and couldn't see things from his point of view).

My MIL's words will haunt me for the rest of my life. When I got married, she said look after your H. I laughed it off and here I am now.

Gradually I'm coming out of my depression, seeing positive things instead of negatives ones, becoming more caring and more genuinely interested in others and not expecting things in return when I do something. A bright example of this is that today I cooked pancakes for one of my daughter's group. I did it because I wanted too, and wasn't expecting anything in return. That's a huge 180 for me, and I felt so happy and so proud. Even the lady who runs the group said it was the first time someone offered to do it. I was so pleased to make someone happy. A couple of years, I wouldn't have done that!

Regardless of what happens to my M, I realise that my M should have been my priority ( and it'll be in my new relationship), that I had let myself go badly (I won't go out without make up now!), that I didn't appreciate what I have (always wanting something better), that I was very judgmental ( and refused to admit that I was wrong), that I was scared of having boundaries just in case I'd be left by my OH (oops! already done :-)!).

That I was very negative (still working on it though), very stressed (still in progress) and I wasn't putting things on the big scale. I wasn't also validating him and I realised that he felt in love with my because I was confident, strong minded and at the same time he was my world. I can't turn the clock back, and I wouldn't anyway as it'd mean that I would still be the victim and wouldn't look at my responsability in the failure of my M.

There is still a lot of work to do for me, and I'm definitely on the up. Ask me in Sunday and that would probably another story.

I want to be happy and I want this for my kids. So to start my new Valentine's tradition I'll get a red rose for each of my girls, a card and a little something. I'll get a rose that they'll put on their granny's grave. I will take them to see their grandad.

I'll carry on my journey regardless of the outcome of my M. I know there will be some though time ahead, luckily I'm in a stronger place now. All I know is that your support has been such a life saver for me and I'm thankfull for everyone who has followed me, commented, picked me up when I was down and gave me a good kick in the backside when needed.

I love you all xx

[shotgun]

Rouky please, please, please hijack my thread! Nothing brings me a bigger smile than to look at my thread and see your name there. I hear you taking your share of the blame in the problems with you marriage but I hope you also recognize what you did right. You were loyal and you were a great mother. This I know from simply reading your posts. I am sure that you were many other wonderful things and it is unfortunate that your husband is willing to just throw it all in the trash. Like you my self esteem has been beaten down severely by my spouse and it is taking a while to build it back up. Other people besides your husband and my wife have opinions about us and they matter too. I feel like everyone loves you and sees you for the great lady that you are. Don't forget that and thank you for the great compassion that you have shown me and many others through this website.

Something else that I would like to address is your statement that you had let yourself go during the marriage. My wife completely let herself go after the baby was born and became enormous. She stopped wearing any makeup, never did anything with her hair and would only wear black. I told her every day how beautiful she was and never stopped trying to be affectionate with her. This is not because I am some sort of amazing husband but because I loved her in spite of anything. I found her beautiful and the first time that I ever saw her as unattractive until she became enraged over dividing of our assets. At that point she became someone whom I did not recognize and I didn't like it. I think your husband felt the same way at one time but succumbed to the temptations that are presented to all of us but some of us aren't tempted or we properly deal with it when we are.

I am proud of you for forging ahead and you remain an inspiration to all of us here. I hope your week is going well and that you have many smiles! God Bless you Rouky!

[Rain75]

Rouky...the list of things you have seen in yourself and changed for the better is amazing. You shouldn't beat yourself up so much though. H made the choice of his own free will. You really have come such a long way. I'm inspired by you and MB as you've both made these kinds of lists.

By the way, that sounds like a beautiful new tradition for the girls.

(((((Rouky)))))

[broke]

Rouky,

Thank you for sharing your post above about how you are forging ahead and looking at your negative contributions to your marriage. I feel like I am looking in a mirror - everything that you said about your mistakes are exactly what I did in marriage as well. My husband also has been having an affair for the last 6 months. But, in the past week he has filed for divorce, bought a house and told the kids we are proceeding with the divorce. I have been pretty devastated all week because I feel like there is no hope left. However, I want your post about all the positive changes you are making for yourself to remind me that I am doing the same. I would love to be in your place of feeling stronger and willing to accept whatever happens to your M because of your strength. Thank you so very much for sharing.

[Rouky]

In true not DB style, just bought STBXH a necklace on behalf of kids. Still feeling bad about it, so I decided to replace it. It should be arriving while I'm away to see my parents.

Girls told me that he isn't wearing the one from OW, and the fact he wore it in the first place made me think. It must mean a lot to him to have taken the risk of wearing it, so I though that if he really wants to wear it maybe as a present on behalf of his kids would be nice. Not expecting him to wear it, not bothered to have spent the money. I just thought that I'd be a nice gesture from me to apologise.
People might think that I'm using it as a way to control what he wears and as a way to show OW that I'm still in the picture ( now writing it, it feels like that), but it wasn't my intention. STBXH said I never showed that I care me for him, and he was right. When we started to date, I'd buy him things but stopped as it wasn't reciprocal (now I know you do things out of kindness, not too expect something in return) and he'd either lose the presents or if it was clothes he'd wear them for work. This is a 180 for me. I know STBXH is long gone, so by doing it I feel that I'm redeeming myself.

I know the timing is also Valentine's time, and as we never celebrated I felt that it would be a new tradition from the kids. The old me has always loved offering presents to the people that I love/ loved, as now I'm getting back to who I was before I started dating STBXH, I want to do it.

I have no expectation, so I know I won't be disappointed. It felt right for me to do it.

Other than that another positive day, achieve a lot and told my kids how proud of them I was because they both did very well today. I'd praised them, unfortunately something would be missing. This time I felt true love by telling them. Can't describe it properly except that it felt right.

[NYGal]

Lovely post, Rouky. You're doing so well!

[shotgun]

You are such a precious and sweet lady Rouky. You are also very inspirational. I would love to have your strength. What are your plans for the weekend? Have you bought any pretty new clothes lately? When are you coming for Awful Waffles? I am so happy to be your friend Rouky and I look here every day just to see you name and it gives me great comfort. I hope that you are doing well. Mark