What the heck is this?

[2Times2Many]

Thanks, Job. Thanks to this forum, I m able to find the strength to be patient and keep my sense of humor.

I think he did want me to be a part of his fun day in some fashion, but it was so hard and I fear I didn't handle it well. I did till him I was glad he had fun but I just couldn't get overly enthusiastic about it. It all seemed so juvenile to me.

I knew about event and that he planned to put on a dress, but I was not prepared for the "endowment." Looking at that was a little unsettling, mostly because I know that pre-MLC he would have also thought that was somewhat over the top.

Most of the time I can look at him as the teenage next door. But it's so hard to walk that line between h and MLC h because sometimes he is an adult and talks logically and then others I'm reminded of when my daughter got away from home for the first time when she went to college.

I do think he's trying to figure things out. He's going to another retreat later this month. I don't know anything about this group. I've read good and bad (which you can read about anything). He has become calmer since the last retreat. Has anyone had an experience with Isha Life Engineering?

[bttrfly]

i would file what he said away for now ... did he seem to be fishing for your reaction? seemed like a temperature test kind of statement to me, but a. i'm an incurable romantic, and b. what the heck do i know?

anyway, you handled the past two weeks brilliantly. kudos to you!! xoxoxo

[2Times2Many]

Thank you, bttrfly, for stopping by. And thanks for the kudos, but I know there is a long way to go ... which brings me to this post.

This one may be a R rated and I've debated whether or not to post it, but I need some help to get past it and haven't been able to come up with a G rated version, although I'll try.

During MLC part 1 I guess h was thought he was being neglectful in certain respects and gave me a rather expensive gift that I suppose he thought would make up for that. I never used it except at his urging because it just wasn't for me. I'll leave it at that.

When here this last time, h said his friend (a guy I know well who lives in yet another country) wanted one of these for his gf and asked if I'd consider selling him mine. Without giving it much thought, I said yes. H told me how much F would pay and said he'd give it all to me. Again, without much thought, I said h had paid for it and I'd split the money.

H took it with him when he left the house that night.

I went to bed and woke up about 4am with the thought that maybe this wasn't for his F and h was taking it back for an OW to use. That's when I began to get suspicious.

I asked h the next day if he had F's address to ship to and h said F was in the process of moving and h was waiting on where to send it. I kept watching our shipments for next few days to see if h shipped it but he didn't.

At that point I asked if h had gotten F's address. H said no, he was still waiting. I continued to watch our shipments, but saw nothing other than our ordinary stuff.

Two days before h left I asked again about getting F's address and h said he didn't have it yet ... that F was busy with the move. I suggested that if h got the address after he left I would be happy to ship it to F. H said he appreciated that, but he'd looked at shipping costs and it was very expensive to ship and it might be cheaper to ship from h's country and he may just take it back with him and ship it from there. H said if he didn't take it back that it was well hidden and no one would find it.

The whole sitch started eating away at me and I debated whether or not to say anything and finally decided to just ask. So on the afternoon before h left I asked if the thing was really for his friend. H remained calm (even though I was basically accusing him of lying) and said it was and that he would even have him take a pic of himself standing next to it and send it to me after he received it.

Today BIL told me h had brought an empty suitcase back with him and I know it would take pretty much a whole suitcase to take this thing back with him. But I also know he was taking back a lot of stuff for friends over there as well as the stuff assistant bought while they were here.

Still, I can't get this image out of my mind of some OW using this gift after me while h watches. It's just creepy to me. I'm trying my best to put the whole thing out of my mind, but haven't been successful.

I keep telling myself that if my suspicions are correct, that this is just part of the MLC craziness, but I can't get the image out of my mind. And I can't get past how creepy it is that h would even do such a thing, if that is indeed what is going on. And I keep thinking that if I'm right, there is not only another OW, but more lies and more deceit on an even more intimate and incredibly hurtful level. That all the nicey-nicey was to throw me off track.

I need some help to push me past this. I can keep standing strong but I sure need to get this out of my head!

Hope that was G rated.

[2Times2Many]

I think the thing that I'm kicking myself about is I could have avoided all this heartache if I had just lied and said I use it all the time and don't want to sell it.

Now, I feel like I may have enabled good times with OW.

[2Times2Many]

I'm feeling somewhat better today. At least I'm not kicking myself any longer for being too agreeable with something before thinking it out. But it's something I definitely need to work on.

I was also somewhat disappointed that I said anything at all to h about the whole thing because I feared it would look like I was acting jealous or controlling or whatever way he could take that. But I think that maybe it wasn't a bad thing.

I've given him the freedom to live his life and take his journey and I've tried so hard not to interfere, but maybe my questions about that sitch let him know that there are still limitations to what I find acceptable. I know somewhere deep inside that fog he still cares for me and loves me, and I know he values my opinion on other things, so maybe it was not a bad thing to question his motives.

Sometimes I envy the LBSs that have regular contact with their MLCer because they can get a better feel for what is going on. It's sort of like the being forewarned is forearmed, I suppose.

Then other times I feel like being so much in the dark about what h is up to allows me to stay in a more protected place that shields me. The problem with that is there are then a massive amount of missing pieces that my mind tries to fill in and it's a battle to not let the mind go off on wild tangents.

Recent happenings ...

On the phone on Monday h was apologizing for sending the red dress pictures. I didn't expect that and didn't quite know what to say so I kind of stumbled around a bit. Later that evening I sent a text and told him I didn't quite understand why he felt he needed to apologize for the pictures. I told him that I appreciated his sharing them with me (thanks, Job) and I was glad he had fun. I told him to take it from someone who embraces her wackiness ... that sometimes being a little nutty was just what the doctor ordered. I also told him that if he was concerned about who I may show the pics to, that who he decided to share that adventure with was entirely up to him and that I wouldn't be showing them to anyone.

He replied that he was apologizing for hurting my eyes with those ugly men dressed like women.

I tend to agree with Bright (I think it was Bright) ... that whole group looks like a MLCer convention!

Yesterday I got a text that was an article about a famous violinist who played several famous pieces by Bach or Brahms or someone (can't remember) on a violin worth 3.5 million at a metro station. The gist of the article was about how people basically ignored him as they rushed by to go about their busy lives. The writer asked how much of life do we miss while were rushing about to meet deadlines, etc. It ended by saying, "Live life NOW. It has an expiry date."

H didn't comment except to say it was a good read.

I replied that I agreed with the article and that although people have to provide themselves a living and prepare and plan for the future, you can't make that the sole focus of your life. I said I thought we both stopped "living" and allowed our priorities to get messed up ... at least I did. I ended by saying it was fortunate that it wasn't too late to live our lives and it wasn't to late to enjoy our lives. We didn't get a chance to go any further into that.

For some time prior to BD the business was h's sole focus. I worked at it as long as I could because it was so important to him, but came to a point that I felt like I had no life beyond work. I told him I wanted to off-load some of my duties and take a lesser role. I think that is what launched him into hardcore replay and the A. He even accused me of trying to abandon him (along with all the other horrible things I had done).

Funny, NOW he sees the negative impact of living to work vs working to live. He's just gone overboard in the other direction!

On the phone today I got a rundown on what he would be doing for the next few days. He is doing that more and more. I know he is trying to at least give the impression he's being more open about his "other" life, but it's always what isn't said, isn't it? My mind always goes to ... I wonder what's being left out?

My gut tells me that he now considers me to be a friend and he's being a little more open about his life there (at least as much as he doesn't want to keep hidden) and even talks about things that he finds annoying or bothersome. I see that as a positive because for the longest time he went to great lengths not to let me know anything except how great his life was there.

Unfortunately, he has to move out of his apt. due to some construction and is signing a lease for his new place. Obviously, life there remains preferable at this point. Still a long way to go.

Sorry this was so long.

[bttrfly]

hi two,
yep, i know all about that lbs fill in the blanks brain. not a lot of fun on that ride. try to avoid it as much as you can. my db coach always says focus on the friendship, if that helps?
xoxoxo

[2Times2Many]

Thank you, bttrfly, for your input. You're right. I should focus on the friendship. I do my best to keep that in mind, but need a kick in the pants now and then. Thank you to you and your coach!

I got a nice compliment from my BIL today.

First a little background.

I texted h today and asked him to call into the office again (he had called in earlier) to help with some paperwork that he usually handled. He texted back and said he'd call in about 20 minutes. Okay, no big deal, right?

When h called he was obviously out somewhere (from noises in the background) and was extremely short and irritated, starting the convo with, "What do you want?"

I wasn't expecting the sour attitude (he was fine on the phone earlier) and got a little flustered. I came very close to just telling him never mind and hanging up.

Instead, I started to count to 10 and during the lapse in the convo, h asked if I was still there. I replied yes, apologized for interrupting his evening (different time zone) and proceeded with my questions. H's demeanor began to change as the convo continued and he apologized before hanging up for being so short. I thanked him for his help and again apologized for disturbing his evening.

I figure he was irritated because he didn't want to deal with work issues on "his" Friday night. Well, too bad. His business here runs on a different time schedule and he needs to be available!

After hanging up, h sent a text again apologizing saying he wasn't irritated with me but with some jerk he ran into on his way outside to call me. (So take it out on me? Assuming that is even the truth?!? Thanks a lot!) I texted back, "No problem" with a smiley face. He then texted thanking me for dealing with the issue saying he knew it was a pain. I just texted back, "Learning experience" and that was it.

BIL was sitting at my desk for all this and I said I guess we interrupted his social activities. BIL said, "2T, he told me on the phone this morning that he would be in his apartment all evening and if I had anything I needed him for, to just text him."

We talked a little bit about h, as we do from time to time, and BIL said he thought I was amazing. He said most women in my place would have kicked their h's to the curb a long time ago and he didn't know how I did it. I chuckled and replied that he shouldn't think I haven't thought about it.

So often, well-meaning people tell me I should D, should date, should do this or that. It was so refreshing to hear someone say I see what you're doing and I admire you for it! Wow! That made my day!

As for h ... that is precisely the type of attitude that prompted me to ask him to move out of the house. However, I will give him credit for backtracking on his unacceptable behavior toward me and issuing an immediate apology. An improvement on his part and a small step in the right direction in showing me some respect.

[2Times2Many]

Job, I read a comment you made on Mirepoi's thread about h going into a tantrum because she found him doing something he shouldn't have ... in her bedroom on her computer. You theorized that the tantrum was the result of basically getting busted.

Do you think h's inappropriate reaction to my "interrupting" his evening with a business issue was because he had misled me when he "volunteered" his weekend plans and outright lied to his B and then got busted??

[job]

I'm going to give you my personal opinion on what you asked me. I think your h wasn't happy to get a call from you. It reminded him that he has a wife and he thought you were calling to complain about something and/or check up on him. He may have felt guilty for being out and about and he figured you caught him doing something different than what he said he would be doing. So, yes, they do get angry when they get busted doing something they weren't suppose to be doing. Once he realized that your call was legit, he changed his tune just a bit.

They are like little kids who get caught w/their hands in the cookie jar and then sulk or exhibit anger because they got caught.

[2Times2Many]

Job, thank you for your opinion. It is soooooo frustrating to get snapped at when you haven't done anything wrong and had no intention of doing so.

I hadn't really thought of it in terms of me "invading" his fantasy, but now I have this image in my mind. I see h entertaining some skank in some fashion and right in the middle of playing out his fantasy, boom, my innocent, legitimate business need pops the bubble. Reality hits him smack up side the head. I know this may sound mean, but it kind of makes me smile and I hope it ruined the evening.