But the spoken boundary is there. On OM it's ok not to trust.
If WW says "you don't trust me"
Tell the truth " I want to trust you. It is a little early yet to let go of my reservations on OM. I am entitled to my feelings on this and I am trusting you with those"
Then no arguing or explaining. "That's all I need to say"
Don't mention it again
My view
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Regarding her trip to the city and the possibility she could meet with the OM, do the two of you have a plan as to now she can avoid these types of opportunities that could tempt her to break her NC with the OM?
It is comparable to affair proofing your M. For a couple to believe their M is so strong that there is no need for an affair-proof plan, is very unwise. Even if there has never been any hint of looking at another person, a couple should agree upon certain actions being in place that assures the M will be void of infidelity. With that said, whenever there has been any type of an A in a M, you want to reinforce support back to a healthy relationship again.
Are the two of you discussing ways to give her support whenever there could be obvious opportunity to contact her OM?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You are doing great. I need to read your thread from the beginning. I feel like I am a lot like you. My sitch is different but see many similarities. Hope to support you as best I can!
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
Okay, help me understand clearly here. Are the two of you attending marriage counseling together, or each of you seeing individual counselors?
Did you know about transparency plans and present it to your W, or is this something she volunteered to do?
Do both of agree that you are piecing the marriage back together, or does she say she'll try and see how things go?
How soon till she goes to see her grandfather?
I had to go back to review some, b/c I was thinking she had been working on the M longer, but I noticed she has been in NC for only four weeks. That is usually the hardest time. If she breaks her NC, she'll have to start all over again.
You might want to get Squiggy's advice about how to handle this situation.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
We are both seeing going to counseling. Individually and couples. I thought we were working on things and improving and then 4 weeks ago I found she was still in contact. We had a big discussion and I asked her to leave for the night because I could n't be around her. She cam back the next day and told me that she had officially broken it off with the other guy. She said she was sad about it, but knew she wanted a life with me and there was no future with him. She showed more emotion on that day than she ever has.
Not sure what a transparency plan is, but I have access to phone, email, and tracking on her phone... but emails can be deleted and should could leave her phone in the car. Plus every time I check I feel crazy anxiety.
She is making efforts in some ways... she is reaching out and touching me more in bed (non sexual) and it sounds like she is finally opening up to her counselor.
She went to the city today. She brought it up last night and said she turned on the tracking app on her phone so I can check where she is at all times. She told me her exact plans and said she knew I would be stressed. I believe she is selling the tickets. I believe she will meet with her Grandpa... she will send a pic with him I'm sure.
This morning she could tell I was very anxious. I told her calmly that I am very anxious. I told her I want to believe her, but I am not to the point where I can without doubts. She said she completely understands, but it is over and I have nothing to worry about. She sent me a nice text saying that she loves me and appreciates me being open to her this morning and trusting her to do. All sounds good, but I still have doubts.
I agree that if she reconnects it will set us way back. But there is no way I will know if she does. So I will move forward doing the best that I can. Staying positive. I do believe she wants me and our life, but part of her really liked what she got from the OM. Only time will tell.
I will not bug her with texts today. I'm sure she will text me quite a bit. Bottom line is I still love my wife. I will not say breaking the NC ends our marriage but it will dramatically change things. She will be asked to move out until she can figure her crap out. I was a mess for a long time, but I feel strong now. Finances are not an issue. The kids adore me. Our friends will all support me. I think my life would be best with her in it (if she pulls her head out of the fog) but I am prepared to move forward without her.
She has NEVER said she doesn't love me, or that she's not in love with me, or that she needs a break... She continues to say I want you and our marriage and our family and we both have lots of work to do to fix things.
Okay, thanks for answering my questions. When you say you have access to her phone, emails, etc., are you saying that she knows you are looking at her activity or are you saying you have to snoop to see what she's doing? I'm just wanting to make sure I'm understanding everything correctly.
You can make the transparency plan the way you need it to be to help you feel more secure in the MR. It is not for you alone, but for your W, as well. I may have already said something about this, but it does help the WW stay on the straight & narrow whenever she knows she's being watched.
Having access to her phone, etc., is one way to be transparent. I think having discussions before an event actually happens would help. If she seems willing to talk about the transparency, and it appears that she is trying. This might be a good time to approach the subject about what to do to give her the extra support she may need in the future, if she's ever tempted.
When she gets home and the time feels right, you may tell her how much you appreciate her giving you reassurance when she went to see her grandfather. Tell her that you think it would be difficult for anyone withdrawing from an A. And that you have given thought to perhaps having some type of plan as to how to draw extra support/encouragement whenever there's a possibility of her running into OM, as a way to help her as well as give you added assurance. Then wait and see how she responds to this suggestion. If she seems to think it's you wanting to pin her down or control her, then you may need to put it on the back burner for a few days. Timing is important.
If she goes for it, then the two of you can decide what to do that would work for you. Her sending you a photo will be great. It proves she is where she said she would be. Having something in place for those times she's feeling weak would be helpful for her. Maybe she can think of something else that would give her strength whenever she feels really drawn to contact OM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I agree with all sandi said. You are in my shoes 4 months or so ago trying to bring this all back together. July-September '15 were filled with anxiety about all aspects of a recovering WAW and MR. Every time she picked up her phone...
What I did for transparency was I made it completely clear to my wife through boundaries what I expected from her. In my sitch, the worst offender was the &$*%ing phone and #*&*ing social media. She knew that I would not let her back into the home or my life, beyond being co-parents to S6, if she did not respect that part of transparency. The first weekend she moved back, which I so slickly made the Retrouvaille weekend, I had access to phone and social media any time I chose. I've only checked a couple times. You may need more. The important thing is that you make them non-negotiable.
That being said, what is it that you absolutely, at a minimum, and reasonably require for transparency? I say minimum, because if you set the bar too high, it will be impossible for her to meet, and this is about the two of you coming back to the marriage. If a photo with grandpa is good enough, so be it. If you need the GPS, then request it. You decide what will help you trust.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
I agree that if she reconnects it will set us way back. But there is no way I will know if she does. So I will move forward doing the best that I can. Staying positive.
Trust is the hardest thing for you to do right now. I totally understand that. I quoted this because you said the right thing - move forward with PMA. That is all you have control of.
Now here is the part that is great to focus on and to really think about. It seems like your wife is taking the actions to earn back your trust and return to the MR. She's turning on her phone tracking, planning to send you texts, taking photos as proof, giving you access to electronic media, validating you, etc. Much like we have to do consistent change and actions, so does the wayward spouse. These are the things you need to keep looking for.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
