As for what do I know about love.... From everything I have read about it lately it seems like Love is simply choosing to love another person in spite of their imperfections and put their needs at an equal level to your own. It's not a happy feeling or magic... Love is something we choose to give to others and choose to accept from others.
That's part of our problem... she wants to feel happy. She wants to feel passion...but she's waiting around to feel it instead of taking actions to feel it.
I want to be in shape... maybe I should wait around until I'm really ready to start working out or eating right... or I should get off my butt and start working out and eating better which will get me where I want to be and get me to feel how I want to feel.
Sorry I have so much to say today... It's a Friday so slow day at work.
She's trying for sure. She is sending me a text every morning saying something nice and that she loves me. She is trying to reach over and touch me at night (hand on my chest or grab my hand)... She is offering to do dishes. She bought me some clothes the other day. No doubt she is trying. She's opening up some through our question jar at night... so I have to completely do a 180 when I'm seeing lots of good.
I have also stopped telling her how beautiful she is every day. She is really stunning at times so it's hard for me to not tell her that.
Oh.. and she did make dinner from scratch the other night... it was really good. Again... I'm trying not to over react.... I'm trying to be patient. I believe we will get through this... I just want to make sure we don't go back to the way we were. I want to be better.
Love is something we choose to give to others and choose to accept from others.
Or actions we take to show love, such as choosing to love someone by walking away from an unproductive argument.
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She wants to feel passion...but she's waiting around to feel it instead of taking actions to feel it.
Because she doesn't know what real Love is. Passion comes and goes.
I'm not even going to try and compete with Cadet and sandi. They have a much greater amount of experience here than I, and you should take heart of all their words. I just want to throw in some thoughts, because I've been in your shoes.
SLOW DOWN. I read all of your posts so far, and I really get the sense you are pushing, even after getting some insight into the recovering WW's mindset. She is on her own schedule, and there are limited things you can do. Be calm, give her space, create a loving environment without expectations, and work on yourself.
Remember, you contributed to this sitch just like she did. Whether it was the angry summer or not showing enough affection or whatever it may be, you had an impact on how she felt in the MR that contributed to her going into an EA. If I hadn't realized this for myself and with help from here, I would not be recovering my marriage.
Work the 180s/GAL. I get the guilt. During my most stressful times at work, I was overly harsh with my kid when I was home. I felt tremendous guilt. Like you my child became my savior. However, I bordered on losing myself to him, but how my W did in the beginning. Put some time directly into you, independent of the kids, and they will still feel the benefit.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Good point on walking away from an unproductive argument. We really aren't arguing though. It's been very peaceful. I haven't been angry and when I have been I have controlled it. I get more anxiety than anything.. fearing reconnection with OM.
I have lots of strengths but patience is not one of them. It's a new skill I'm hoping to learn quickly.
I have been backing off a lot and she has acknowledged it. I just could use specifics on what that looks like. With things heading in the right direction I don't want to screw it up.
Also... I'm waiting... I'm being patient... but will there ever be a point where we can talk about some issues or concerns I have... I feel like... she needs space... Great... here you go. I have some needs too... like not being at the bottom of the priority list.
When can we talk about what mature love is and looks like and how marriage takes work and a choice every day to love the other person. Part of me feels like I'm stuck in the same boat... catering to her needs. I guess I'll leave that for couples counseling.
Ok.. so I wish I would have come to this place long ago... I just read some of Sandi's ideas on how I should make her feel the loss of our M and me. Wish I did that right from the start...
So the question is what do I do now? Things are going well, but it could be an act on her part. She has done it before. If I stop making her lunch and other normal things I do I think she will go backwards or it would just be obvious.
I can GAL for sure... get out more on my own. I can end ILUs and any physical contact. We still are in the same bed... do I go sleep on the couch occasionally just saying I wasn't comfortable? Kind of tough to kick her out now. I won't email, or text or call unless it's an absolute must. Reading marriage books in front of her will stop for sure too. I can just do less around the house... leave the dishes or laundry. I won't ask her about what she is doing.
Is that enough for now? If not what do I do? Specifically?
Another fun things is its starting to spread around are small town. Awesome. A couple friends have asked me about it. I'm not sure what to say... I just say we are in a rough patch and working on somethings...
What do I do if she wants to go out with a gf for a drink? Not care? Tell her I have plans already?
Your W is doing so much better than I did.......I can't even begin to describe. Perhaps you are being like you have always been in your interactions with her. Maybe b/c she is not productive, motivated, energetic, or driven as you, it causes you to have a tendency to get behind her and try to turn her focus on things and push her toward them. I know the frustration in having a personality like yours and living with a person who has a phlegmatic temperament. I had two in my family (husband and daughter) and they nearly drove me nuts before I finally learned to stop doing what I was doing and let them handle things in their own way. They truly were opposite from me, and no matter how hard I tried, I could not make them like me!
If my H had done all the work you have done since your W's EA..........I would have been blown away. Instead, I saw nothing in him. On the other hand, looking from the viewpoint of the WW, I can see how you may be placing emotional pressure on her. As I said, your way is not hers. I get you.......I really do! However, I think as difficult as it may be for you, you need to try to be more relaxed. I think people like you and I seem intense to our spouses. We wear them out just watches us work so hard.
The thing we hate (slowing down) is really what she needs, at the moment. She may admire how you are driven to make the very most of a situation, but she's just made in that way. She actually has to have the time and operate at a slower pace. I think some of our pushing actually slows them down at times. With her being the WW, she may not handle the emotional pressure to produce more action as a mother and wife. I don't know this for certain, and you know your wife. I am simply giving the viewpoint from the WW, and trying to think how I would have been if I was turned more like her.
Perhaps she truly needs more alone time, in order to deal with her responsibilities as a mother of three and a wife of a driven man. Maybe this is when she regroups. I do think, however, the more you do for her......the more dependent she will be on you. So although she may need your assistance, discipline yourself to not do it all, or to it so she doesn't have it to do.
When I was going through the period following the affair, the last thing I wanted was showing physical affection to my H. I had to have time to mentally and emotionally shift from the other man to my husband. If he had been telling me he loved several times a day, or that I was beautiful, or trying to touch me in bed..........I probably would have took off running in an attempt to escape the feeling of being emotionally smothered. And this may feel very deflating to you, b/c you've probably read or heard how most females crave what you've been doing. Timing is extremely important, and the older I get, the more importance I see in good timing. My husband and I have not had a sense of good timing in our MR, and unfortunately, have suffered repercussions. So I hope you can get a sense for the right time for things with your wife.
Balance is also critical for the betrayed H. You feel you are carrying the major weight of the family and the MR, b/c it doesn't appear that your W could.....or maybe, would, if you didn't do it. You are working so hard to your part and her part, too. Whenever we try too hard, or we try to do the work of the other person......things get out of balance and becomes unhealthy. Perhaps your MR has experienced this unhealthy or unbalanced weight of responsibility, or effort, since your kids were born. Perhaps your W has become a bit spoiled. Grown women can become spoiled just like children. The more spoiled, the greater her sense of entitlement grows. All of this can come from an unbalanced production of effort. You do the work around the house. You spend quality time with the kids and go overboard in showing them wonderful and fun activities. You carry the load of parental responsibility. Plus, you are carrying the load of piecing the marriage back together. It sounds as if you not only have become super dad, but super husband, as well. Sounds good on paper, but the results are not that great. My advice is to find balance in what you are doing, before you burn out....and burn down the MR. Don't go to the extreme the other direction, which a lot of BH's tend to do in attempts of finding balance.
I advise you tell her ILY only once a day. Tell her ILY when you say good-bye or good night. That way, she won't feel like you are watching so closely to see how she responds. It does put pressure on the WW.
Try not to always be the one to initiate physical affection. It is better to give her more non sexual touches throughout the day/evening. Touching the small of her back, her arm, shoulder, etc. Make it a natural thing and not as though you are glaring at her to see what she does. I think most women need a buildup to more sexual touching. And a WW needs time before she's ready to be intimate with her H.
Give her compliments about other things, besides just her looks. I mean, you can tell her she's beautiful, but don't overkill.
Try not to question her about how she spends her time. You don't want to sound as if you are going over a honey-do list with her. You don't want to act as if you are an employer. (Not that you do, just saying in case).
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
When you finally came out of it did you realize how much you did love your husband or did that take time to figure out?
I'm prepared to wait as long as it takes, but it would be nice to know I might eventually get someone back that loves me and sees the good in me.
Since there aren't many WW's around here, I will respond to your question. Once I felt remorse for what I had done to my H, then my other feelings for him started to come back. I just had so many years of resentment that that blocked the remorse, and the lack of remorse blocked the loving feelings for him.
Yes, it took time. Too much time, I'm ashamed to say. If he had not been the good natured man that he is, he probably would have given up on me. Plus, you have to realize that I was getting help from the board, too. Not very many waywards come to the DB board. I don't know where I'd be, if not for the people who helped me.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
