How did you mess up? You were making sure you protected the things that are to stay. You kept your distance emotionally and put on a PMA. You accepted a hug, because you CHOSE to accept it. You broke down on your own time, not in front of him. Call me crazy, or if I'm reading it wrong, but that sounds like a success to me.
I don't know I just feel Like I did for asking him about what he was taking and then crying after and for wanting that hug. I feel like I should be stronger then I am. It makes me feel better for not being a complete failure in your eyes though!
I will see him monday or tuesday and then not again until Vday weekend. My friends keep telling me if he has any plans on vday weekend it means there is someone else and just that thought is making me starting to crack out. I know we aren't doing anything together or spending any time with each other or even saying happy vday but I am cracking out bad being paranoid about it.
I guess my goals until I see him is keep doing the same as before..only talk about kids. Don't call or text him. Don't stalk him. Don't tell him details of my life. Try to be happy sounding. Weekend goals.
I did have to call him after he left to ask if he was going to help me pay for my medicine from the doctor and he said he would let me know.( I don't have a job so if he doesn't pay I have to ask my mom or dad or I don't know to pay.)
I have to pick it up in 2 days or they will cancel the order. I don't know how to deal with that situation. Last month was my first month on it and my mom paid for my appt and medicine for the first time because she pushed me to go to the dr and I didn't want to tell my WAH until I saw him in person to tell him that I was put on medicine and why.
He forgot I was on it already and was confused(I only told him the 1 x and never mentioned it again but he doesn't pay attention or doesn't care)
You did it wonderfully. Don't feel disappointed on yourself. I totally endorse all Squiggy words ^^^^^^.
Why do you think many people, professionals, and whole field of studies say that this is one of the biggest impacts on a human being. Because it breaks us down to our cells, our core.
Give yourself time to process the whole pain, cry and let it out. It's not fun, but it is healthy to cry because you are in pain.
Please, as a homework to get you busy and taking care after yourself:
1. Eat - Even if it is no much, try to eat a fruit, something light on your stomach.
2. Sleep - It is very important, even if you keep waking up at night, try to sleep when you can. If you don't, then your brain will work against you.
3. Exercise - if you research, you will find the explanations of the many chemicals that are released into your brain when you exercise. They are good for you, they are good for your mood.
4. Have your faith close by - if you believe in something, this is the time to get it close to your heart. You will need that so your pain is not so strong and you will lean on something right now.
5. Support - choose a friend or two that you can talk. Tell them straight forward that you need them, that at this moment you need their friendship so you can talk about your issues. Have support for your kids too.
6. Read - keep reading all the good material on the subject. The more you learn, the more you understand, the more you see that it is not the end.
7. Lawyer - Did you have your appts already? Do you know everything you need to know if you are served next week. I am not saying it will happen, I am saying you need to be prepared for it. Are you keeping the house? What about alimony, do you think you will get any? Is your car paid off? Start your survival kit - I mean start buying no perishable items that you can stock up, leave it in your mom's place for now. This are things you can have for awhile if things go sour and you make some savings on that. You don't need to do anything for now. You can wait for him if he will ever move forward with this. But you need to be prepare for it all.
8 - Therapy - you still have his insurance, get that apt today. I actually told my XH once it happen. I told him I needed to be on his insurance and treat myself, he agreed. Get your contact lenses ordered. If you need any check up, do it now.
9 - Don't despair - you can cry, feel bad and miserable. But do not despair. Many couples get back together. I love TO324 story - she walked in burning hell and she kept DBing, so many times she said she was done, no hope. And now, she is right beside him. Yes, he finally got his S**t together and said that he would like to give it another try.
Squiggy walked a hard and painful path and now they are back together.
I am divorce and I get texts from my X every single day. We are not done yet.
Just use this time as you said, focus on you, think about the things that you want to change and try to figure it our how to get there. Some things may happen fast and some other ones will take longer. You do not need to be misses right tomorrow.
Be gentle with yourself. Eat chicken soup. I know it is unfair to ask you to do all this now that you are hurting, but there is no other way out unless you have someone doing it for you.
Be strong, be positive, now the good fight started. Prepare yourself for battle and be the best of you.
2- I will try to get more sleep, I am always waking up but I will try to sleep more.
3- Yes I have been exercising.
4- I need to get back into my faith I was doing good then got depressed and now need to get back into it.
5- I have 1 friend I can talk to. Everyone else pretty much has said a-divorce him or dont talk to me about him or b- just don't want to hear about my issues so I mostly just tell me one best best friend who will support me no matter what.
6- I am trying to read more, I got a bunch of books on my kindle to read about it.
7- Lawyers .not yet. I have to try to find time. It is very hard for me. I don't have anyone to watch the kids unless its my WAH and next week I have classes all week when he will be watching them. My mom said she would watch them on Wednesday afternoons so I could start going. I haven't seen a single one yet though.
The house when he wanted to separate he said he was keeping because he bought it before we were married and my name isn't on it. I wouldn't want to take it from him either, he saved and paid for everything himself when we were 21. He worked so hard to be able to get the house for us, that I wouldn't hurt him by taking it, even though I would have to move into 1 room with both my kids and he would get the big house.
My car is paid off. I don't think I would get alimony only being married for 4 years. I am not sure about any legal things but I'm making my list to ask the lawyers.
8- Therapy on my insurance has 40$ co-pay which I'm not sure if he would pay for, and I don't feel right asking my parents to keep paying for all my stuff so idk how that will work =/
9-I will try not to despair. I will try.
I know I need to prepare for a real battle.I know I need to get my stuff together. I know I need to see lawyers. I just seem to be having a hard time actually doing it. I wish I had more friends that were willing to babysit my kids so I could try to go see a few L's just for advice besides always asking my mom who only has 1 day off a week.
Red, I'm glad my judgment makes you feel better, but I would like you to see it with your own eyes. You weren't that blubbery mess in front of him. It's not about what he doesn't see (the crying afterwards, the internal need for a hug). It's about what he does see, and you nailed it. You now have a template for how things need to be going forward. Improve it over time as you get stronger and more detached.
Don't find time to meet with a lawyer. Make time. You need that advice yesterday. Explain that you have young children you are caring for and see if they are willing to meet you somewhere the kids can play, such as a McDonald's with a play place. You'd be surprised how many are willing.
You need to channel your inner Yoda and start doing. I don't care if the food tasted like ash (it did to me when I was depressed). Eat a piece of something each day. If you can only read a paragraph at a time, do it anyway. You can always come back to it.
You can do this.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
My sister stopped by to drop me off a book and she made a comment that made me wonder if I'm mental.
When I miss my WAH instead of calling him or bothering him I MAY..put on one of his shirts he wears that is sprayed with his cologne. She thinks im making things harder on myself and said she thinks that it makes it harder for me to move on.
Heal from the physiology up, that means nutrition. Hence Pinks suggestion of chicken soup.
2- I will try to get more sleep, I am always waking up but I will try to sleep more.
Rest as well as sleep.
3- Yes I have been exercising.
Great news.
4- I need to get back into my faith I was doing good then got depressed and now need to get back into it.
Consider mindfulness and guided meditation as well. There is much free stuff on the Internet and u tube.
5- I have 1 friend I can talk to. Everyone else pretty much has said a-divorce him or dont talk to me about him or b- just don't want to hear about my issues so I mostly just tell me one best best friend who will support me no matter what.
This is where GAL and new friends are so important. New friends will consider your views as they don't know WH.
6- I am trying to read more, I got a bunch of books on my kindle to read about it.
The word try is always a set up excuse for failure. I really dislike that word.
7- Lawyers not yet. I have to try to find time. It is very hard for me. I don't have anyone to watch the kids unless its my WAH and next week I have classes all week when he will be watching them. My mom said she would watch them on Wednesday afternoons so I could start going. I haven't seen a single one yet though.
There is that word try again!
You can start with telephone interviews. My L has a creche assistant on one day of the week.
The house when he wanted to separate he said he was keeping because he bought it before we were married and my name isn't on it.
No sweetheart in most jurisdictions at minimum you are entitled to half of the increase in value since you became M. That's what being M entails, for instance: with all my worldly goods I thee endow!
I wouldn't want to take it from him either, he saved and paid for everything himself when we were 21.
The homemaker has a significant contribution to make when a home is purchased and used during an M. An equal contribution to the asset by building and making a home. You and your child have the need for a home. Your WH has the responsibility to provide for this until you are able to work. The homemaker also puts their career on hold and will suffer a reduced income need.
He worked so hard to be able to get the house for us, that I wouldn't hurt him by taking it, even though I would have to move into 1 room with both my kids and he would get the big house.
This is why you need an L. One who is practical, as a mother with vulnerable children you deserve protection.look after your interests and those of your children. Imagine being in one room with TEENAGERS! Please seek advice.
My car is paid off. I don't think I would get alimony only being married for 4 years. I am not sure about any legal things but I'm making my list to ask the lawyers.
Absolutely you will get it. Seek L advice this is very urgent indeed.
8- Therapy on my insurance has 40$ co-pay which I'm not sure if he would pay for, and I don't feel right asking my parents to keep paying for all my stuff so idk how that will work =/
Ask.
9-I will try not to despair. I will try.
That word try again.
I know I need to prepare for a real battle.I know I need to get my stuff together. I know I need to see lawyers. I just seem to be having a hard time actually doing it.
Firstly is their a divorce club around in your area? If so ring the organiser and ask if there are child friendly L's in your area.
Also when you go looking ask if friends have experience and what they thought of their L. Ring the L explain you have small children, can they accommodate? I run an accounting practice and we have a play area for kids. We provide facilities. Family L will do the same.
I wish I had more friends that were willing to babysit my kids so I could try to go see a few L's just for advice besides always asking my mom who only has 1 day off a week.
These are excuses and it is my view that your resistance isn't doing you any favours. You get one shot at your D and it is an expensive mistake to nice it with your WH. Your WH is seeing himself as dominant and he will get that which he wants. If it helps think of an OW in your home persuading your WH his first family have no needs or wants.
Look after the needs of your children, financial, schooling and health.
--------------------------------
I know this is tough for you to do. It is responsibility and taking care of your future and your children.
It is in my view your responsibility as the more stable parent. At present you are a vulnerable mother of small children. Your L will help secure your future safety and that of your children.
Do not leave your home or assume that your WH has full rights. It isn't the length of your M, the courts will consider the needs of your children.
Where your emotions and R are concerned then it is my belief that you have many choices. In this my sweetheart the choice is advice.
I am very strong on it.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
My sister stopped by to drop me off a book and she made a comment that made me wonder if I'm mental.
When I miss my WAH instead of calling him or bothering him I MAY..put on one of his shirts he wears that is sprayed with his cologne. She thinks im making things harder on myself and said she thinks that it makes it harder for me to move on.
Do you think she is right?
If it works then keep doing it, when it doesn't stop or change it.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I know I need to see and meet L's. I also have NO IDEA how I am going to pay for one. I know they have free consultations for advice but besides that I literally have 0 idea how I would pay for one. It is one of the things holding me back from going as well.
I know my WAH said he didn't want to use any and thinks we could do it on our own, because we BOTH can't afford a lawyer, but I KNOW everyone says not to do that. Would I have to take out a loan? I am not sure how it works. I know my mom can't help (my parents are D) and my dad flip flops between I can, and I can't.
I know how much he makes, how much all of our bills are and how much is left over(or at least before we separated but it should be about the same.) Honestly for him to even afford child support of 600$ for both kids he would have to get rid of his car payment, cancel his internet, house phone, cable, cell phone at least and maybe get a room-mate. I know he can't afford a L unless his parents paid and they could easily afford one. They are very well off.
5 said unless I have been served there really isn't any info they can give me at this time because they need to "asses" the situation and to wait until I have been served because it is a waste of time to come in
1 gave me a free phone consultation- he said that there is no rush to come in because it seems that was WAH is paying all my bills, gives me money for everything, left me in the house, hasn't taken me off any insurance or cars or done anything except moved out part time himself and that is unusual of people getting a D. He said that the HOUSE is a premarital assets so it will be his because my names not on the deed and because I was a stay at home mom I never contributed financially so unless I want an expensive ugly fight then Yes I COULD TRY to take it but I probably wouldn't get it anyways. He said when I am served in my state I have 20 days to reply and that is when I would come in for a free consultation OR when he FILES then I can come in and we can pull up what he filed into the computer and figure out what to do from there. his retainers 3000$ and it goes up from there. He was very nice. He said I could probably get temporary alimony and child support and he would love to meet me if I have to go with the D but hopefully I don't have to. He said that it is really hard to tell me what will happen because until he files and says what he wants there isn't much we can preplan for because we might preplan for the wrong stuff. I REALLY LIKE HIM.
I plan on keep calling but I am starting to feel very anxious.
