MB...long winded is ALAWAYS welcome here. And I can see what you're saying about your H. He may have done those things for you, to get your praise and show you that he listens to you and loves you. Your reaction sounds a lot like me...sigh...maybe thats why we're friends. Birds of a feather and all that.
My XF? No. Just. No. I may have (definitely have) handled everything wrong. But my gut has been pretty accurate on all of the BS he has done all along. I wish it wasn't.
Rain, I think I agree with MB. If only because it would be a 180 to open the door just a bit to trusting him. I don't mean trust him if he's not trustworthy (and he may not be). But if he's trying, and you accept it in baby steps, he's more motivated to keep trying. It sounds like he's doing a 180 for you. What's the worst that can happen? Only you can answer that, but I have some ideas, and it involves you getting hurt all over again. That's your decision, of course. It's not fun to be so vulnerable, I know.
On January 2nd, the last real time I spent with W, we had a good R talk, she made lunch for us both (very unusual) and cleaned up most of the dishes as well (a 180 for her). I thanked her for doing that, and I meant it. When she left the house that day, she was still uncertain about leaving me or not. At least that's what she said. But the next day she said her decision was "final". I don't think it had anything to do with her making lunch of course, but i don't think my thanking her hurt either.
Except for the time I followed her across campus arguing about a financial settlement, I've been pretty even tempered and nice to her, as she has to me. So I don't know if it's helping or if she just sees me as "just a friend" in the future. I believe, from our conversation last week that she's still trying to figure it out. What she doesn't know is that I don't think I can ever be just her friend.
What I've tried to do, with everyone's help here, is give her the space and time alone she has asked for. And then she says she misses me and realizes all I did for us as a couple. So maybe it's working, maybe not. Again, I don't think it's hurting.
And of course like MB,I wonder how long this dimming can go. I want to figure out when it's OK to spend some time with W, but for now I'm still waiting for her to make the first move.
Thinking of you...
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
NYG...I am a screeching banshee here. But other than crying and cursing during the talk a few days ago, I have been dim and I even told him yesterday that his plans sound good and that I know he can do it all.
I'm getting us ready now to pick up the money he owes me. And I plan on finding a way to bring in money without paying for day care since it would cancel out a paycheck, It's very expensive. I just see that he is saying a lot of things (he wants to buy me a new car, he wants to pay off something that needs to be paid for me, he wants to do XYZ for and with the kids etc) but his actions of spending every dime on what he is spending it on go against what he is saying.
I will check in soon. Have to finish getting us ready.
Okay about to run out. But also, it is not a good feeling to be told that there is no money for extras like takeout or a movie when all he is doing is throwing money away BUT says I'm not being understanding of how hard he works and how difficult it is for him to be paying for 2 households. Refuses to accept the real reason he has no money.
Okay. Wish me luck that I thank him and leave with no argument. Especially if he is being nasty.
I started to write this yesterday but worried about coming across as non-supportive when you've already been through so much lately, however...I concur with MB and NYGal. It's so easy to mind read and make negative assumptions as to what is motivating his behavior, but you never know... What if he took all the recent conversations to heart and was truly motivated to try to change some of these things you've always asked for? How would you recognize a genuine effort at change without at least being open to the possibility instead of assuming the worst? We *have* to believe in the possibility of change for BOTH partners if we are to have any hope at rebuilding our broken relationships. Otherwise, it just doesn't work. I know transparency and total commitment are the big things you're seeking from him, and he hasn't been able to offer those to you yet. But just because he can't offer those today doesn't mean he never will, or that all other efforts are fake or meaningless. Baby steps.
Either way, it sounds like you handled the talk well, and I think it would be an awesome 180 to continue to build him up and encourage him all the way. You have set your boundaries...R talk is off the table until he can provide total commitment and transparency. But that doesn't mean you can't be a cheerleader and support all his other endeavors to change. Make him WANT to be a better man for you.
One of things I picked up from my own sitch is how our expectations of an individual influence the outcome. As I have mentioned before, my H tried really hard after his A was uncovered to really make amends. But the level of deception he'd engaged in to cover it up in the first place still made it really difficult for me to trust him. As he grew more and more resentful of the fact he was making all these efforts for me and I still couldn't give him full trust, he started to say things like, "what difference does it make...I might as well be doing all these bad things because you think I am, anyway." And slowly, he quit trying, and eventually walked away entirely. If you have negative expectations of someone, they are going to give you what you expect. By the same token, people can often become more trustworthy simply by being trusted.
Anna I will respond to you, and I will post what happened today, but first I need advice. I have his calls blocked. He has started video calling since yesterday. However I don't answer all of them. Let me do a quick count.
Yep. He has video called 26 times today so far. I'd say 5 or 6 were because I got lost getting to him. So I answered 4 plus the "lost" calls. The others I didn't answer, some on purpose, some because my phone was charging or I was busy.
He is angry and has asked me (nicely) to please unblock so that he can call me without the other app. He is also upset that I am "ignoring" him.
If you're going to answer a video call anyway, then why not unblock him? I mean, it's more intrusive to have to see him and give him the control of being able to see you when he calls through a video app. Not to mention he can see where you are and what you're doing if you answer a video call. Just my thoughts.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Because with our carrier if we look at the screen as the call is being made we can see if the other person is on the other line. Weird right? And 'cause I try to, as the kids say (and me lol) "keep it real" with you guys... I would get super crazy mad and lash out when I saw that. Especially if he had already said goodnight and that he was going to bed.
But I haven't done that in forever. But now it's him. And if I try to be vague aka mysterious, when he asks who I'm talking to, it just makes him madder and I don't need that crap.
Plus as you can see from his excessive video calls he borders on stalking. Unless he is otherwise engaged *cough*.
However, I have always shut down (after going ape sg!t) on him and ignored him so a 180 would be to not do that. Because a carefree single gal that has to find a way to co-parent with her XF would be too fabulous and enjoying her super fun and awesome new single life to even care enough to block him. Or so I tell myself. Which is why I have come to the land of the heartbroken but sane for advice. I've made so many mistakes. Mostly by not coming here first or by ignoring the advice.
OMG, that IS weird! That would drive me nuts. I think I'd have to switch phone carriers.
Is the video app that you're talking about called Marco Polo? My sister wanted me to download that one, but I haven't used it.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
