Hi in pain. I hope you're doing OK. We're here for you. Hi Thornton, that's good advice. I should be pretty detached by now, if every tear is a little bit more letting go.
Take care, everyone.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Hi Thornton, NYGal, Rednail and Rain, thank you for your posts.
I'm not doing very well. In floods of tears right now again. We have argued tonight and now I'm so upset and scared that that means there is no chance of R now.
He came round at 6:30pm again despite knowing I needed to use the car to run an errand with D. D had a meltdown about going out which ended in me having to tell her off. H was down stairs while this was going on. When I got down stairs he asked me if she was being difficult so I said yes. He then asked if he'd done something wrong as he felt like I was being snappy with him!?!? I just don't understand where he's coming from to keep asking me if he's done something wrong. Does he not think leaving his wife and kids is doing something wrong?!?! Am I supposed to be happy about it and OK with him for doing it? Anyway, I let it slide and D and I went out leaving S at home with H.
When we got back it was already close to bed time so I said they both needed to go upstairs and bath/shower etc ready for bed. Tantrums from S followed as he hadn't had a chance to play on PS with H. I asked why he hadn't done that while D and I were out, we'd been out an hour. H said S hadn't been interested in playing together, S said H had just been sat on his phone and hadn't been interested. They had a quick game and H was his usual snappy self with S - it is like watching two children not a father and son. Always been the same.
I was busy downstairs and H went upstairs to say his goodbyes. S came down and asked what were we going to do about Dad. I asked what he meant and he said that Dad was in such a bad mood. I told S there wasn't much we could do about that unfortunately.
When I went upstairs with S, H said goodbye and was going to leave. He is taking D to a party tomorrow as I have a meeting. I asked him if he's also collecting her from school and he asked why he needed to!! I said I just thought he would collect her seeing as he's taking her to the party. He started shouting about not even knowing what time the party is and that he has to literally beg for information about anything that is going on these days! I asked him why he was shouting and he said he didn't know how I dared because all I do is shout. I queried this as it is completely unfounded. He said all I'd done tonight was shout at the kids. I couldn't believe what I was hearing! Yes, I'd told D off during the going out incident and I'd also had to tell S off twice and he equates it to me doing nothing but shout!
I'd already told him what time the party was when I asked him if he could take D but of course he's forgotten that and just accused me of not telling him. Then he said I insinuated he would be late for the party if he didn't pick D up from school. Again I was confused as to how I've insinuated this just by asking him if he's collecting her. I said I just thought he wouldn't want to exchange kids with my Mum if my Mum collected her from school. He left very angry saying he would collect her. Slammed the door, slammed the gate, slammed the car door.
I feel like this whole thing is going rapidly down the plug hole. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong to keep having these arguments. Now I'm sitting here distraught that it's all over.
IP I'm not as good as others, but I will let it wash over you. Tomorrow is a brand new day. Maybe your H had a bad day at work and maybe he took his frustration on you. Not fair I know, and try to embrace tomorrow with a beginner's mind.
We don't really know what is going on in our H's head. Don't try to over analyse as you are only going to hurt you.
IP - the only thing you can control is you. Is it possible that the pain you are suffering is making you snappy?
If so, I get it. But you need to foster an environment that makes your house a safe place for your H. ACT AS IF you are just fine. Fake it! Always remain calm around him. When he leaves, then you can punch a pillow and write an angry letter to him that you never send.
It's not too late and you can still turn it around.
Inpain...I have been here too. It's insane to me as well that they don't acknowledge that us being sad or on edge or whatever is because of what they've done. But right now they don't believe that. They can't. The guilt would be overwhelming.
And the projecting and exaggerating they do is maddening. Him saying that ALL you do is shout. Come on IP...you know it's not true and so does H. But again, from my own situation and reading here about our fellow DBers it is common. They feel a need to villanize us, especially when they're feeling down, to justify their crazy.
I'm not going to tell you to rise above it or to pretend right now. He left for the night and the kids are in bed. Cry if you need to. Beat a pillow or scream into it.
But Rouky and Thornton are right. Tomorrow is a new day sweetie. You can turn it around. If tonight would have been the straw that broke the camels back R wise he could have very well told you he was going to his lawyer tomorrow. He didn't. And hey, even if he did. So what? Anna's H did just that and has never turned the papers in.
It was just a tough few days is all. Re-read DR. I took mine out to read tonight as XF is meant to come by tomorrow. I want to really get into the 180s in case he actually shows up.
We are sad, heart broken, angry and frustrated and at our wits end. We have a right to be. But has showing them this helped us in any way? Has it brought us closer to them? No and no.
So, and you know this from last time, are we going to keep doing it or find something new, something different? I vote for new ans different. And a baby step in that direction are the 180s. How different would the past days have gone had you not done "more of the same"? Had you not given H exactly was he assumes he can expect from you?
I wish I could do more than commiserate with you here. But at least we have each other on this BB. There are millions of people going through this alone.
I always keep all of you in my prayers. And we can make tomorrow a better day IP. We can! My day wasn't so hot either. But like Rouky said...a beginners mind. That's what we need. Im going to post over at mine in a bit. Maybe I'll even post some of my 180s.
How about your 180s?
We can't convince ourselves we've lost and done everything if we don't actually implement DB and DR. What we are doing just isnt working and we end up miserable. I want to be able to look at my life and my kids in 5 years and genuinely be able to know and say that I did EVERYTHING I could to save our family or, if it works, look at him and our kids and smile knowing that it took one to tango and I held our family together and look at what a wonderful place we are now.
So, 180s IP?
(((((Inpain))))))
Rain (moi): 40 Ex Fiance: 39 3 kids On/off again EA & PA Last BD by ow 12/15 Moved kids and myself back into our own place: 12/15
